I have a crush on a guy but what now?

[weeklyrentalbb]

Lately in class one guy has caught my attention, well, it's more like the last half year. I'm not out yet but I have been thinking about it and how liberating it could be or how devastating it could be. The quarter is going to end soon and this particular row of classes ends with it so odds are I'll never see him again. I have no idea if he's straight or gay and he doesn't seem to have gotten close to anyone. The last time I had a crush like this was 3 years ago and the guy did turn out to be gay but by then it was to late since he went off to a different college.

So what do I do know? My crush is overwhelming me, almost to the point where I can't pay attention to the lecture since I'm just so captivated. It's gotten so bad that I get silent and warm If I just see him walk by. I want to ask him out but, I don't know how he'll take it. What should I do, if anything at all? The closest interaction we've had so far was him sitting on the other side of the classroom, and that's it. I don't really want to let another one get away but he could be straight. I need advice, and thanks for reading. I needed to get this off of my chest and tell somebody.

-Weekly

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude,

You want to put the best moves you have on this guy. Ask him for coffees; for help with the course you are attending, whatever.

It would be foolish to believe that your possibly 'coming out' would make him go for you, even if he is a gay dude.

Granted that the dude is not completely dense, he'll get your message and he'll go for it or not. Your wearing a rainbow flag and coming out to everyone is more likely than not going to seriously put him off. (You never said he was out either.)

So, leave the gay thing out of your equation. See if he is responsive to your moves and take him somewhere, so that you can quietly experiment a bit with each other.

It won't be too late to come out, once he tells you, you really ought to do that.

SC

 

[OTHFan]

i feel like that all the time. those guys always turn out to be straight so i don't even ask. but if your serious about him. get to know him first. don't just come onto him like that. getting to know him will tell you what kind of guy he is and if he's straight. he could be a total jerk.

 

[weeklyrentalbb]

Thanks for the replies guys. I do want to get to know him better, so I'll probably try to actually talk to him tomorrow. But I don't have much time to befriend him since the end of the quarter is in 3 weeks, not only that but this guy likes to ditch the only section of the course I share with him. Basically the only time I get to check him out is in the hallway as he waits for class. On the outside he seems friendly, and he's got a really nice smile, and dresses rather well, at least he always looks awesome to me. I don't want to let another chance slip away without at least trying.

-Weekly

 

[xterranx]

I think you should talk to him, and at least try to get to know him. Doesn't sound like you've tried to talk to him at all.

The way you posted it sounds like you'll never see him again. So, take a chance and go for it. If he responds positively, great; you've at least made a good friend and/or boyfriend. If he responds negatively, well, at least you're off knowing you could've done without that piece of shit. It's a hell lot better than wondering what could've been.

And this is a personal experience, I'm not saying it could be the guy you're talking about (or it could be?! LOL that would be funny.) but I'm very socially standoffish too like the guy you posted on. I don't talk to people in my classes, cause it feels like there's a strong intellectual gap between me and them. Plus, I have totally different interests from everyone else and then there's also the fact that I'll probably never see some ever again, and to me, I start missing people, so I just avoid it altogether cause I already feel lonely with all my friends going to 4 year colleges and me being stuck at a community college.

Urgh, lawlz, your post totally reminded me of a guy I like in my Chem class. Total cute half-Asian, heeeeeh. Ah well, I don't have the nerve to talk to him, and I'll probably never see him ever again.

 

[Eternaldarkness]

you might never see him again when the class ends.

why not give it a try. If it turned out badly, then it doesn't really matter.

If it turned out wonderfully good!... then you will definately see him more often.
C'mon, a friendship doesn't just stop then and there when the quarter end.

 

[chrisdobro]

I can tell you about my crush. It should give you some thoughts and ideas that maybe you can draw from.

I had a serious crush on a guy. He was perfect in every way. His clothes was also perfect and clean and he was always clean shaven, nicely dressed and had this very sharp look to him. One semester he was in THREE out of four of my classes. Kinda hard to avoid him then. I kept looking at staring at him once in a while, while trying not to do that to not get him to notice. I desperately tried to find something wrong with him just so that I could get out of the crush as I was kinda stuck there with my thoughts and lack of action. It didn't work -- everything about him was perfect. I wanted him but was afraid of something. Perhaps of him not returning my feelings, or feeling of rejection in general. Another big reason was that I put him on a piedestal and idolized him. And I didn't talk to him because I was afraid that he would not pull up to being that idol I've made and hoped for him to be and that him being so high in my head, he just wouldn't give me the time of day or reject me.

I waited 2.5 semesters to talk to him. When I did talk to him it took me probably about 10 minutes to get the courage up and come up to him and talk. It was great and cool talking with him but it was non-eventful. He told me about his job, classes, etc. Talked about us being in 3 classes together.

My excuse to talk to him was the most ridiculous one, even that it was real. At my job (selling computer parts) someone with the same name as my crush happened to call and ask for an order. So I asked him if it was him. Can you think of a worser "pick-up" line ? "Ummm ... you see I work at so and so and yesterday a guy with this and this name called and asked for his order status. Was it you ? " he he but it worked as starter. I didn't want to talk about gay issues as I was afraid of rejection. That'd be really devastating if he'd reject it with all my build up of him. So my purpose of talking to him was to just feel him out. He didn't seem to pay much attention to him, and when his friend came up they talked for a while and I kinda felt ignored. Then his friend left and I think we exchanged a few more lines and then I left. I talked to him one or so more times when I showed him a magic trick. He didn't seem to be interested in me generally, so I generally stayed away as I do with most people due to my generally introverted personality. That's perhaps also the reason why I never invited him anywhere. I don't think it'd matter though, as my stance was that if he's interested things would have work out either way. That's a passive stance though -- when I have interest in someone, I seem to wait for their interest in general rather then trying to get interest from them


So soem time after that, I saw him a few more times, but after talking to him I didn't see interest back from him and my interest in him was not as strong... I felt as if it was his time to talk to me and he never did. I thought that he was perhaps straight though I held my fantasy of him being not so, or just being him without any sexuality label. I never saw him with girls. A few times with a friend for a short time, but he was mostly by himself.

I still had a hard time finding something wrong with him, but this time it was a little easier. There was nothing wrong with him physically in my head and there wasn't ! The only thing I could grab onto was that he was kinda aloof and not very engated when talking to me. That made him a bit less than perfect. Now I see it as he was just not interested in me. I figured that he was straight.

More to the story: I think 4 years or so later I wondered "what if" ? So I guessed and hoped he'd be on myspace and he was (!!) I found his profile where he's matured a bit and changed physically from what I remember him to be like in my thoughts. I wanted to see some pics of him younger, but there were none. oh well. He's still hot, but it was kinda sad to see him changed and ... being married to a girl.


--- extra thoughts.
In my case I tend to idealize things.
Had I not done that and rejection was not my fear, I'd probably talk to him on 1st/2nd day I realized I like him. Then I'd find out he's straight and just move on. Maybe become friends, or maybe not. Either way I'd probably be checking him out once in a while just cuz he was really hot, but then I would not have the feeling of a crush.

So what will you make it out to be, weeklyrentalbb ?
I chose to hang on to the fantasy and made the guy to be a perfect crush. He never had a clue, at least I don't think he did. Unless he saw me drooling over him during me talking to him, but I tried to maintain my composure


Another case. There was this HOT HOT guy I met recently who is also very hot. I said to myself I won't be making a mistake of waiting that long. I talked to him very quickly. He was also by himself most of the time... I guess I feel safer to talk to people who are by themselves. I've seen him somewhere before. I realized it was at a meeting. He was hot. oh yeah. So I talked to him a couple of times, and he was more talkative and it was nice talking to him. His friend was there a bit further away, they talked, then we talked again. I don't know though. I couldn't pick up from him if he's gay or straight and I didn't want to ask. I guess I needed to spend more time on him and invite him somewhere and find out, but I didn't ... I have a boyfriend, but that was not an excuse though as why not make friends with him ? That again goes back to my introvertedness. I expect people to be interested in me, and I generally don't follow up on them if I don't feel they are actively interested back. I really need to change this. It may do me some good. Although I don't know if I can do this for a long term and thus I don't know how this issue of mine will affect the relationship in the end if I was to get the guy, he was gay, and we started having a relationship.


So in your case ... what do you want it to be ? This is "create your own adventure" part.
I say talk to him. This will be hard, and this may effectively put some dampers on the crush, but I think that ultimately knowing is better than guessing.

 

[mabby7]

^^ chrisdorbro

Hey, I felt like you were writing something that happened to me. But the funny thing is, is that the person I liked didn't turn out to be straight, they turned out to be gay. I tried to contact them, but can't seem to get a hold on them.

Anyways, weekly, you should just talk to that guy. If he likes you then, you could be friends, if not, then that's fine too, just move on.

 

[weeklyrentalbb]

Eh. I made an effort today to go wait in the hall early since his class is the same time as mine and we'd be just there waiting, but of course he probably showed up to lab late. Being as my class was down the hall I made a "mistake" and "accidentally" sat my self down right by his class door. No dice. I did manage to see him later, but it was just a walk by since I just wanted to give a friend something. It looked as if his lab partner was doing more of the work. I get the feeling he's a slacker but for some odd reason that made him even more appealing, when It shouldn't have.

As for chris' question about leaving him as the perfect crush. I already had a perfect crush before that left me regretting that I never did anything. But now I have a chance to try again, even though it's a big risk. I'm willing to try even if I get burned in the end. It's probably going to happen sometime but I can never find someone if I'm not willing to take a risk.

We have a midterm on Wednesday so I might ask him if he's ready for it, just to chat.

-Weekly

 

[Nice Boy]

This message is for Chrisdobro. Hi! Actually I have the same problem as you. I´ve (perhaps for ever) lost my best friend due to I fell in love with him . I definitely realized that our relationship is perhaps over for ever at the time I was entering the university and well you know, after leaving the high school and entering the university it´s quite hard for me to make friends. Like I mean real friends with whom I could go out and so on. I´m quite introverted and perhaps a bit shy (although it really doesn´t seem so!), I was cut off my previous environment at high school, I´ve lost my best friend and for a year or so I´ve felt quite abandoned. But, I sought a psychologist and I´m trying to cope with all the problems worrying me. I advise you to do the same. However, it may take a lot of time for the effects of it to show up (let´s say 1 year [but it depends on frequency of your therapeutic sessions]), but I believe it´s really worth it. Try it.

 

[Nice Boy]

This message is for Chrisdobro. Hi! Actually I have the same problem as you. I´ve (perhaps for ever) lost my best friend due to I fell in love with him . I definitely realized that our relationship is perhaps over for ever at the time I was entering the university and well you know, after leaving the high school and entering the university it´s quite hard for me to make friends. Like I mean real friends with whom I could go out and so on. I´m quite introverted and perhaps a bit shy (although it really doesn´t seem so!), I was cut off my previous environment at high school, I´ve lost my best friend and for a year or so I´ve felt quite abandoned. But, I sought a psychologist and I´m trying to cope with all the problems worrying me. I advise you to do the same. However, it may take a lot of time for the effects of it to show up (let´s say 1 year [but it depends on frequency of your therapeutic sessions]), but I believe it´s really worth it. Try it.

 

[chrisdobro]

to weeklyrental:
well ya I don't know if there is such a thing as a "perfect crush". Unless you get married to them and live happily ever after, but that's closer to fairy tale range for most people. I'm glad I finally talked to him (mucho pats on the back!!) even though I realized that he was not into me.
Just to make it clear I advise against leaving him being a perfect crush where you admire him from afar and never talk to them. Doing so may work for dreamers but ultimately it creates greater frustrations overall. Like you've said.

That's a great approach to ask him about the midterm! And after that be ready with quite a few more questions. Ask things about him in general, get to know him a bit. Not too much but enough for first time. Like find out where he lives, works, eats, works out, etc. Sometimes if I have only one question I plan to ask, I find myself out of questions and if the person is not talking back much, there are awkward pauses that also give him a chance to walk away. Some also say that you should be the first to end the conversation and walk away before they do, but I don't think that's relevant. Do according to the situation and don't plan anything, except perhaps being ready with the questions.

It's hard to do, but sometimes this worked for me: not caring about your crush. In your head lower them to being just some other person. Like you don't care if you talk to them or not. It's very hard to do as it goes against your grain and your thoughts of the person and brings you from the fantasy world more into reality (which sucks), but it helps to ease the talking part if you can pull that off. My partner calls it removing the sexual tension.


To Nice_Boy. Thanks ! I did go to a psychologist mostly for coming out and relationship issues. I still do sometimes, they do help. I also met a boyfriend then who was coming out too. Coming out together was much easier than doing it by oneself.
I find it that for me it is hard to make friends in college. It was easier in high school. My college doesn't have dorms, it's a commuter college, which makes it even harder as people are not hanging around much. One good way to get friends to hang out with is to join a frat, but it was not for me. After visiting the frats on my campus and giving them a fairly good look, I realized that they are expensive and that they revolved around drinking games, talks of girls + rumors of who did what and when and how and boasting about sports. To me it looked mostly like macho straight guys' realm. And also it looked like continuation of high school -- there were groups and cliques and other stuff that tends to rule in high schools. There are also deeper parts to frats that didn't exist in high schools, like brotherhood, connections, rituals and more. I did not like the extra helpings of straight macho though. Frats work for some, but did not work for me.
I've talked to my counselor about the friendship issue, but so far I don't seem to be willing to take the risks. I don't think I see the pay-off. Being with a boyfriend who is also a friend seems to lower my need for a friend. Having a good friend will be nice, and I'm still working on that issue.
Sorry to hear you lost your friend... I don't know the details, but I know it often happens that you lose your high school friends. After high school I still hung out with my friend a little bit, but then I stopped. If you still have feelings for your friend, I would encourage you to find him out and talk to him. Even if for nothing else but to find out if he's gay or not.
When I was 15 I moved from Russia to US. I left my first love there. I didn't know if he was gay or not or if he had feelings for me. Since then I've visited Russia twice and my first thing on the list was to talk to him and find out where he was emotionally. I did talk to him, told him I'm gay.. He didn't say anything about himself. I was not there to push him into anything. I thought that he was probably straight, but wasn't sure as he left a few subtle hints that really played out in my head for a long time after that. It took me another visit to put more closure on it. He is still a good friend and we'll be and I would love to hang with him more when we see each other again. So this is to say that being cut off is not that big of a problem if you really want to find out.

 

[mabby7]

...
It's hard to do, but sometimes this worked for me: not caring about your crush. In your head lower them to being just some other person. Like you don't care if you talk to them or not. It's very hard to do as it goes against your grain and your thoughts of the person and brings you from the fantasy world more into reality (which sucks), but it helps to ease the talking part if you can pull that off. My partner calls it removing the sexual tension.
...

I've done this. And it really hurts, way too much. It's already bad when you know you can't be with your crush and then trying to not care about them. It's painful, but it's the best thing to do. Time really helps and so does trying to meet at least a few new people.

... I definitely realized that our relationship is perhaps over for ever at the time I was entering the university and well you know, after leaving the high school and entering the university it´s quite hard for me to make friends. Like I mean real friends with whom I could go out and so on. I´m quite introverted and perhaps a bit shy (although it really doesn´t seem so!), I was cut off my previous environment at high school, I´ve lost my best friend and for a year or so I´ve felt quite abandoned. But, I sought a psychologist and I´m trying to cope with all the problems worrying me. I advise you to do the same ...

Me too. I'm really shy as well and haven't really made good friends at college. I wish I was more out there.

 

[weeklyrentalbb]

Again, no go. I showed up early again but It appears he didn't even show up to the first class at all. I did however get to sit incredibly close to him during the midterm, but being under testing conditions I couldn't do a dam thing. Incredibly close being him 3-4 seats away and in the row ahead of me. I normally sit on the other side of the room but I really wanted to make an attempt. Had he entered the class room just maybe two minutes earlier I could have at least made contact before we were handed a test. I do think it'll be worth it in the end to get him out of my head, or in my dreams a relationship. Jeez, he's not giving me a break....

 

[rareboy]

Stop obsessing about a crush. You are doomed to disappointment and failure. It is so high school and you're too old for this kind of nonsense now. It says a lot about your level of intellectual and mental maturity that you're more concerned with where the guy sits when you're taking an exam than anything else.

Go out and get laid. You'll feel better and he'll be less interesting the moment you've had sex with someone else.

 

[weeklyrentalbb]

It says a lot about your level of intellectual and mental maturity that you're more concerned with where the guy sits when you're taking an exam than anything else.

I suppose it may seem that way since I'm only telling what I do to try and meet the guy. Once the exam was handed I'm all business. I know my priorities.

I don't think getting laid would benefit me more then just leaving it alone. In fact I would imagine that it would be more effective in causing more damage. But being that I have no experience in that field I'll just go my way.

As for the guy, I've started to lose interest, but it hasn't all gone away completely. Maybe it's the pressure from upcoming finals or just lack of presence. It would have been nice to do something but time is just about out.

 

[Xpione]

approach him

 

[weeklyrentalbb]

Sounds easy to just go and talk to him, but really it isn't.

- For starters, the only time I get is when he happens to be waiting for the class doors to open in the hallway. Even that is only when he shows up early. If he's late he'll just bypass me and go straight into class OR I'll be off to my class before he shows since they start at the same time.

- The part of the 3 section class I DO have with him, he never shows. Literally. The lecture is two times a week for 10 weeks. I can count the number of times he attended with one hand. It's the end of week 9 right now. Monday is a holiday so no class at all, leaving only one class left before finals. Odds are he's not going to be there.

- The last chance where I know he'll have to show, is Finals. Just great. There's no option of a "coincidental" meeting anymore, it'll be pretty obvious if I make a move. I can see it now, me seeing him come into class and me packing up and moving closer to chat. Granted he shows up early, otherwise at the moment that test start it's pretty much officially done. The final is Monday next next week.

I thank you all for the encouragement and support, but odds are stacked up against me. However, I'm not giving up and if given the chance I will do something.

Awkward side note: I actually do have his email, but using it when I received it in a mass email instead of actually asking for it is tacky and creepy.

-Weekly