I remember having a crush ona 14 year old when I was 16. Of course, it only lasted a little while, but still...you shouldn't do anything until he's legal.
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I have a crush on a minor! WTD?
- Thread starter Motyrassy
- Start date
bluedragon4
JUB Addict
I have to say that is a bit creepy. What can you find attractive about a child? hope this won't lead to a life time of trouble.
This is one of those times where I think sometimes our fear clouds our reactions to certain situations.
First off, you're not creepy for having a crush on a 14 year old. You said yourself that it's not predominately a sexual interest anyway...you're interested in his personality presumably. The two of you could date for a couple of years and never let it become sexual--heterosexual high school couples can date for years without having sex. And high school senior girls date Freshmen boys all the time, and high school senior boys date high school Freshmen girls all the time. A teenage dating relationship can be based on more than just having sex.
Unfortunately, our fear and sense of caution seems to immediately make us go to that place in our minds. We don't know enough about the circumstances here to judge accurately, so we err on the side of extreme caution. Motyrassy, are you also still in high school? Is this other boy gay? How do your parents view you dating him? Do you know his parents, and if so, how would they feel about this? Do you think you can honestly have a romantic relationship with him without it getting sexual until you can do so legally? What are the age of consent laws in your state? Even if you could handle the responsibility of this relationship, could he? And if you dated and he wanted to have sex with you before it was acceptable, could you be responsible and hold off?
We lack so much in the ways of dating rituals and customs due to our orientation, so we either take our cues from how our heterosexual friends do it, or we don't do it at all, usually out of fear. These kinds of things can be navigated if done so carefully and responsibly, just like any other teen relationship. If we don't at least have the dialogue about it being possible, then we will never truly have coming of age experiences equal to those of the majority.
First off, you're not creepy for having a crush on a 14 year old. You said yourself that it's not predominately a sexual interest anyway...you're interested in his personality presumably. The two of you could date for a couple of years and never let it become sexual--heterosexual high school couples can date for years without having sex. And high school senior girls date Freshmen boys all the time, and high school senior boys date high school Freshmen girls all the time. A teenage dating relationship can be based on more than just having sex.
Unfortunately, our fear and sense of caution seems to immediately make us go to that place in our minds. We don't know enough about the circumstances here to judge accurately, so we err on the side of extreme caution. Motyrassy, are you also still in high school? Is this other boy gay? How do your parents view you dating him? Do you know his parents, and if so, how would they feel about this? Do you think you can honestly have a romantic relationship with him without it getting sexual until you can do so legally? What are the age of consent laws in your state? Even if you could handle the responsibility of this relationship, could he? And if you dated and he wanted to have sex with you before it was acceptable, could you be responsible and hold off?
We lack so much in the ways of dating rituals and customs due to our orientation, so we either take our cues from how our heterosexual friends do it, or we don't do it at all, usually out of fear. These kinds of things can be navigated if done so carefully and responsibly, just like any other teen relationship. If we don't at least have the dialogue about it being possible, then we will never truly have coming of age experiences equal to those of the majority.
Riverrick
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I totally agree with Killjoke.
I was thinking about the ages today and realized that we are talking about a high school senior and a Freshmen. It doesn't happen every day in high school (Well maybe it does. How would I know?) but it certainly isn't odd and definitely wouldn't be considered creepy.
I was thinking about the ages today and realized that we are talking about a high school senior and a Freshmen. It doesn't happen every day in high school (Well maybe it does. How would I know?) but it certainly isn't odd and definitely wouldn't be considered creepy.
Alive and Free
Sex God
keep your hands off of him.
Just_Believe18
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Not creepy and you're not a pedophile. A pedophile likes pre-pubescent children. You just happen to be a teenager who likes a teenager! Don't let some of these guys get your boxers in a bunch. 
Nothing wrong with having a crush but don't expect anything out of it. He doesn't know you're gay, and do you even know if he IS? I think you should focus your energies on someone else you would feel comfortable having a relationship with. Even if the 14 year-old's feeling were mutual, you still have to deal with age-of-consent laws and does a 14 year-old really have the capabilities of a mature relationship? I was still building legos at that age.
Nothing wrong with having a crush but don't expect anything out of it. He doesn't know you're gay, and do you even know if he IS? I think you should focus your energies on someone else you would feel comfortable having a relationship with. Even if the 14 year-old's feeling were mutual, you still have to deal with age-of-consent laws and does a 14 year-old really have the capabilities of a mature relationship? I was still building legos at that age.
The fact that he has come to JUB, asked the question and stated that he knew it was illegal is a bit of a give away as far as I can see, that Motyrassy is both fairly mature and intelligent. Confused too obviously.
Maybe because I have been on the receiving end of this stuff, from a younger age through to about 14 maybe gives me too strong a perspective. Yes it was a different circumstance but all I can say is that for someone of that age, when the thrill of the encounter has gone, you are not old enough to process the consequences. Its later in life when those mistakes haunt you.
Thats why the 18 year old has to not think about himself and put the others first.
doctorsun
I'm not really a doctor.
The thing is, when I was in high school, it was uncool if you were 14 and DIDN'T have a much older boyfriend (for the girls, of course). There were girls dating guys in the early 20s. It's a messed-up state of mind for both people involved.
18 isn't that bad, though. It's only natural to be attracted to people who are minors because just a few months ago, you were a minor, as well. Your attraction to a hot 16 year old doesn't just shut off the second you turn 18. In most places the laws are a bit relaxed for such cases. 14 IS too young compared to 18, though, when you take into account how much changes between those two ages. At 18, I was NOTHING like I was at 14. So, I wouldn't pursue anything.
18 isn't that bad, though. It's only natural to be attracted to people who are minors because just a few months ago, you were a minor, as well. Your attraction to a hot 16 year old doesn't just shut off the second you turn 18. In most places the laws are a bit relaxed for such cases. 14 IS too young compared to 18, though, when you take into account how much changes between those two ages. At 18, I was NOTHING like I was at 14. So, I wouldn't pursue anything.
bluedragon4
JUB Addict
WOW! the justifications for child molesting on here shocks me!Someone said you could have a non sexual relationship and date for a while.HUH? the guy is 18! this is a 14 year old child.Yeah, he's really interested in his mind! C'mon! what is in a 14 year olds mind that an 18 year old would find interesting?You guys on here are pushing him to think this is normal and are gonna ruin this 14 year olds life! Not everything is okay. If he starts dating this 14 year old at 18 and they break up a few years later do you not think he will not date a under age child again? of course he will. It's what he has become use to and understands. It will stunt the 18 year olds growth as an adult and he will have a string of these "relationships". Does nobody see that?You guys can write any reply all you want to this but it is wrong! the boy is 14! underage! it's not just my opinion it's the law.
S
Soilwork
Guest
ok... now...
grow the fuck up.
Crushing on children isn't cool, it's not ok, and I dont' care what laws are written anywhere, it's just foul.
But most likely, you're crushing on a boy becasue you think of yourself as a boy, and not the man that you now are.
If you get it into your head that you're a man, you'll most likely start to be attracted to men your age instead of boys who are WAY too young for you and are not able to relate to you at an adult level.
If you REALLY think that this kid is for you.. wait for a few years until he's old enough to even approach.
don't MAKE me come down there.
grow the fuck up.
Crushing on children isn't cool, it's not ok, and I dont' care what laws are written anywhere, it's just foul.
But most likely, you're crushing on a boy becasue you think of yourself as a boy, and not the man that you now are.
If you get it into your head that you're a man, you'll most likely start to be attracted to men your age instead of boys who are WAY too young for you and are not able to relate to you at an adult level.
If you REALLY think that this kid is for you.. wait for a few years until he's old enough to even approach.
don't MAKE me come down there.
spreadeagle
JUB Addict
In New Zealand we regularly debate whether the drinking age and the driving age should be raised from 18. There is evidence to suggest that even at 18 the adolescent brain is insufficiently developed, and there is insufficient breadth of experience to support sound, rational descision-making.
The ages that define childhood and adulthood are legally determined by the old, white, rich, fat men who make the laws and make no allowance for individual difference. I am old enough to remember a time when any homosexual behaviour, even between consenting adults in private, was illegal and could lead to a jail term. Would you agree never to have sex with another man for the whole of your life simply because some judges had decided what was appropriate for you?
The ages that define childhood and adulthood are legally determined by the old, white, rich, fat men who make the laws and make no allowance for individual difference. I am old enough to remember a time when any homosexual behaviour, even between consenting adults in private, was illegal and could lead to a jail term. Would you agree never to have sex with another man for the whole of your life simply because some judges had decided what was appropriate for you?
Let's bring this back on topic - the debate is about an 18-year old having feelings for a 14-year old. It has nothing to do with sex being illegal between two consenting adults. Thankfully those days are over in most countries
Your hysterical response to someone suggesting it would be possible for two people to date, as many heterosexual couples do in high school, without having sex until it is appropriate says more about you and how you view sex than it does those who you accuse of trying to justify child molesting. I did not suggest that they have sex, nor did I justify them doing so--I asked him a number of questions that he should seriously think about before entering any kind of relationship with this kid.
In my years of teaching high school, I saw literally hundreds of teenagers who navigated these kinds of concerns all the time. The responsible ones did so quite well--the others, not so much. Your response makes it seem as though Freshmen in high school are practicially in diapers. They are not--they are dealing with sexual and romantic feelings all the time at that age. If both the participants in this relationship could handle a romantic involvement without doing anything illegal, then why shouldn't they?
Labeling this young man as a potential pedophile instead of understanding that he is going through what so many young people who are heterosexual go through every day is irresponsible on your part. If he reads our responses and decides that, nah, this isn't for him, then great. If he reads your response and becomes afraid that he's a ped just because he has a crush, then you've damaged him far more than the people you are pointing fingers at.
bluedragon4
JUB Addict
more excuses.A man having a crush on a 14 year old is just fine. What was I thinking?Why not date a 12 year old if you want?I'm sure that's just fine also.It's only 2 years younger.
Just_Believe18
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I have to disagree with you this time, Soil. This guy may be 18, but he is still a teenager. You know teenager and eightteen? He has a crush on a boy who is 14. If you remember back to your high school days, seniors were dating Freshmen. I had a lot of Freshmen in my class dating seniors. Years later, we had a lot of seniors from my class dating Freshmen. And "the law" didn't stop the universal hormones of teen sex.
Just because the United States has only recently acknowledged 18 to be a legal adult age, it doesn't make the OriginalPoster a "grown man." He's still a teen who is going to like teens. I don't think he can make a mature relationship out of this particular crush but he is not a child abuser.
Brian,
I appreciate your saying this, but this is obviously a subject where people cannot debate the reality of the situation without calling anyone who doesn't agree with their extremist views a pedophile. I work closely with teenagers all the time, and I would never condone an adult having a relationship with one of them. But I also see this kind of thing played out in heterosexual teens all the time, and the irony here is that many heterosexual parents see nothing wrong with these kinds of relationships as long as the participants are responsible.
Apparently though, with many gay people, we have to immediately begin calling each other the most disgusting of names simply because we think that gay teens should have the same dating rights and rituals as other teens do. NO ONE on this entire thread is advocating that this young man hook up and have sex with a fourteen year old, and yet bluedragon can come on here and hurl inflammatory remarks at people who are just having a dialogue about the possibilities of someone dating a person responsibly.
I would never label someone a pedophile, one of the grossest insults one could throw at another, without an overwhelming amount of evidence to prove it. Unfortunately, that's not the case with others, who seem to be quite ready to hurl such a disgusting term at others. I thought this was supposed to be an anti-flame section of the site--is there any greater flame in our community than to call people pedophiles without any responsibility to those individuals in the debate?
doctorsun
I'm not really a doctor.
It's reality. Has anyone even been to high school? It happened ALL THE TIME. Is it right? No, but it happens and it's not going to stop. By the time I was 14, I knew so many girls who had at least blown, if not gone all the way with, a guy who was over 18. It's sick, but that's what goes on in high schools.
I must apologize to bluedragon. My post above in reaction to his assumptions about my views led me to over-react in a way. He did not label anyone a pedophile--he did not use that term at all. He did insinuate such a thing, and it was upsetting to find myself in a discussion where someone was not trying to understand my point of view and was instead saying that I would basically advocate child molestation. That's not who I am or what I am about, and it was hurtful to think that someone would take my points in such an extreme and insulting direction.
He did not, however, use the term pedophile, and for that, I apologize if I over-reacted in that manner. This is obviously a very touchy subject, and not knowing bluedragon, I cannot know why his view is so harsh. Ultimately, however, I can appreciate that while I do not agree with him, his view IS based on keeping someone safe who he believes may be in jeopardy in the situation, and I respect that greatly.
He did not, however, use the term pedophile, and for that, I apologize if I over-reacted in that manner. This is obviously a very touchy subject, and not knowing bluedragon, I cannot know why his view is so harsh. Ultimately, however, I can appreciate that while I do not agree with him, his view IS based on keeping someone safe who he believes may be in jeopardy in the situation, and I respect that greatly.
This is quite common and you're not a bad or sick person despite what society might tell you. It's normal and natural at that, but...
But PLEASE, don't risk coming onto him. Simply, stay away from him and if you can, write a fantasy and masturbate to it later. I know that might sound dumb but it does help. One time I had an illegal fantasy and to get it out of my system I wrote a really hot story and jacked off furiuosly lmao.
When it was over? I kinda got it out of my system and felt much, much better. And also, it was in the privacy of my own home and nobody got hurt.
I agree with the above poster who said it wasn't about you, although that might sound a bit harsh at first, it is the truth. Just turn the other way. And if you want, hit me up and we can discuss your fantasies together. It's very important to be able to discuss things you can't in the 'normal world.'
Sometimes a lot of aggressive sexual fantasies we have to repressed because of 'laws' and morals (and I'm not just talking about wanting to be with a minor) get built up way too much and the only cure is to go just wild and like a monkey and start spitting on yourself roflmao. I know that sounds really weird but it's true...don't repress your masculinity, just let it all out in the comfort of your own home.
Peace bro.
But PLEASE, don't risk coming onto him. Simply, stay away from him and if you can, write a fantasy and masturbate to it later. I know that might sound dumb but it does help. One time I had an illegal fantasy and to get it out of my system I wrote a really hot story and jacked off furiuosly lmao.
When it was over? I kinda got it out of my system and felt much, much better. And also, it was in the privacy of my own home and nobody got hurt.
I agree with the above poster who said it wasn't about you, although that might sound a bit harsh at first, it is the truth. Just turn the other way. And if you want, hit me up and we can discuss your fantasies together. It's very important to be able to discuss things you can't in the 'normal world.'
Sometimes a lot of aggressive sexual fantasies we have to repressed because of 'laws' and morals (and I'm not just talking about wanting to be with a minor) get built up way too much and the only cure is to go just wild and like a monkey and start spitting on yourself roflmao. I know that sounds really weird but it's true...don't repress your masculinity, just let it all out in the comfort of your own home.
Peace bro.