I have a deep and unsettling sadness today.

[rareboy]

I am sorry, but I really need to unload this today.

I have some PTSD about automobile accidents because of my own experience as a child and then the too many relatives and friends who have died in them since I was a kid.

I am having a bit of a struggle today because yesterday morning, we had the most horrific accident at the roadway at the corner of our farm.

It was such a huge single bang and I went running down the lane although I am too old and too fat again. And by the time I got down there traffic was stopped and one vehicle was in the ditch and smoking and when I ran farther, the other vehicle was just a million pieces on the road. I was yelling about whether the passengers were okay and one had been pulled out and the one in the destroyed car was still moaning...

I wanted to break right there, but ran back away from the vehicles and started to stop and turn traffic around because it was so bad and the road had to be cleared. God people are stupid. And Ghoulish. But I more or less told them that unless they could save a life, they were of no use and to get the fuck out of the way. And some of them just didn't seem to get it until I told them they would never sleep easy again if they looked. For some of them with trailers, I just directed them to go up and turn around and get out.

And all along I knew it was no use but I didn't want everyone looking at the terrible pain that I saw.

The firemen put out the fire, the EMTs turned up and a horde of police vehicles got everything under control and we were then allowed to leave and take a detour we know to get to the office.

By the time we came home...I have no idea how they did it, but everything had vanished except for the deep raw cuts where the two vehicles had left the road.

And today, when we left for work and came home, I was just overwhelmed with sadness, looking at the gashes that are already being regraded...the mass of broken glass bits on the road, the tire marks all over everywhere and all the traffic in and out of our driveway all day yesterday.

And I look at the deep gashes and feel just helplessness and see the wreckage before me. And my first and horrible thought was that I hope it doesn't become someone's roadside shrine because that happened with a friend of mine and just kept that moment alive and raw for years whenever we went by it.

I think my partner kind of understands but even he didn't realize my horror until he saw the pics of the one car on the news. (To be clear, I recorded nothing although both my neighbours were). And amazingly, he never had any family or friends killed in an MVA. Or been in one.

So here we are. I keep tearing up and choking up.

And I hope to be better tomorrow, But for the moment, this is my only relief valve and I hope others understand who have been through this is some way or another.

 

[Peloso]

You're too sensitive for this world. rareboy, and I admire that.

I hope you can work through this and feel better tomorrow. Maybe some wine and some cat videos?

 

[rareboy]

Maybe cat videos.

And some wine. Lots of wine.

You know me too well. I am trying to numb and block and play throw the mouse with Mizzy.

I don't think I am too sensitive but I never expected, particularly on my partner's birthday, to feel as bereft and affected as this.

Thanks. I need pictures of Maple too.

 

[NotHardUp1]

I think trauma catches all of us unprepared.

Was anyone killed, or critically injured?

 

[LeicsDom]

I do think I am very lucky that I can very easily compartmentalise other people's trauma so it doesn't affect me long term.
Even the things that have happened to me personally I am able to lock away in a box and leave them there
I was talking to someone the other day about this and mentioned that I had witnessed all sorts of awful things but not a single one keeps me awake at night.
Maybe I am a sociopath

 

[Dargelos]

You don't have to be delicate to be affected by witnessing something traumatic. Most people would be disturbed by what you saw. I would be falling apart, I cant imagine how I would cope. Events like this catch us unprepared and that is a good thing because it is due to the rarity of ghastly injuries in car crashes these days. Cars safety has improved so much in our lifetimes. When we were little boys, our dad's cars had no safety features of any kind so any crash could easily become bloody. It didn't help that drink laws were not much enforced round our way so you had tipsy drivers and no seatbelts, no nothing. Smashes were not so rare 50 years ago, we were less shocked by them than we are today. The odds are that you will never again have to witness anything this upsetting again, take comfort in that if you can.

 

[rareboy]

I think trauma catches all of us unprepared.

Was anyone killed, or critically injured?

Both.

The one in the smaller vehicle probably died by the time the EMTs arrived and the other from the burning vehicle was airlifted to Toronto.

And I think it is why I am so terribly sad today looking at the site.

 

[rareboy]

You don't have to be delicate to be affected by witnessing something traumatic. Most people would be disturbed by what you saw. I would be falling apart, I cant imagine how I would cope. Events like this catch us unprepared and that is a good thing because it is due to the rarity of ghastly injuries in car crashes these days. Cars safety has improved so much in our lifetimes. When we were little boys, our dad's cars had no safety features of any kind so any crash could easily become bloody. It didn't help that drink laws were not much enforced round our way so you had tipsy drivers and no seatbelts, no nothing. Smashes were not so rare 50 years ago, we were less shocked by them than we are today. The odds are that you will never again have to witness anything this upsetting again, take comfort in that if you can.

I think it is because of my own past experience and the fact that since we have lived here there have been at least six or more serious accidents in our .5 k of road. Most of those, however have been bad but not fatal and a couple that were happened when we we weren't here. This one was one that I was witness to the aftermath and left feeling helpless and somehow in the midst of such pain.

 

[metta]

Thankfully, I have never been in a major accident and I have never seen one. (cross my fingers and toes) And I live in a canyon that is an entrance to a national monument/forest. It is very common for people go up into the forest and get into accidents, dead bodies have been found. 2 years ago, a 19-year-old took his new motorcycle out to take it up to the forest, and he crashed in front of the development I live in, hitting his head into the k-rail, cracking his helmet and killing him instantly. And someone dropped off a dead naked body in front of my development once. We had one guy hang himself on a tree. People drown getting stuck in the heavy currents in the river. But I have only read about them. I have never actually seen it.

I know that actually seeing stuff like that can change a person forever. In the first home I grew up in, I still remember this lady that was a neighbor who used to constantly talk to 'God/Jesus'. It affected her entire life. I was told that when she was a child, she walked into a barn and saw a black man on a rope.

 

[Rickrock]

I am sorry that you had to see that accident. I can't imagine the depth of your feelings, but imagine the helplessness of it is some of the worst. I don't like to see movies or plays where bad things happen to people and that don't have a happy ending. I am glad that we weren't in Israel right after the attack to see, but the news is bad enough.

 

[unloadonme]

You're too sensitive for this world. rareboy, and I admire that.

You do seem to take a lot on to your shoulders.

About 15 years ago I was driving on the motorway, in the inside lane approaching the exit I needed. The traffic on the motorway just about level with the exit suddenly stopped, but one lorry driver was slow to notice this, slammed into the back of a car and shunted it into another lorry. Debris was thrown up and vehicles in front of me swerved to avoid the carnage. Fortunately I was far enough back and driving slowly enough to be able to make an emergency stop onto the hard shoulder whilst avoiding everyone else.

There were two women in the car which was crushed between the lorries. They both died instantly. The lorry driver who did the shunting was charged with causing death by dangerous driving. I gave a witness statement to the police, but was spared having to go to court because he pleaded guilty. He was jailed.

That's the only major traffic accident I've ever witnessed. I've not really thought about it for years and at the time I more or less shrugged it off and carried on with my day as if nothing had happened. As LeicsDom says, some people can compartmentalise these things and some can't.

Mercifully, I can't think of any member of my family or any close friends who've been involved in anything like that. Whether I come from a family of safe drivers or we're just lucky, who can say?

 

[rareboy]

There has been a crew of about 10 and a lot of roads equipment today making it all disappear.

And I have to say, just unburdening here was a huge help. I think that once I was able to just express the aftermath of the experience it really lightened the load.

So thanks for the comments and just helping me walk through it.