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i have a good friend...

Y

ytnes87

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i'm sure this is such a typical story, but it is really happening to me.

my friend mike is one of my best friends. we went to high school together, and have been friends for a long time. when i'm in town for the summer, i only hang out with him and a few other people. we are really close and hang out almost every day. he has a girlfriend and they've been dating since he was in 11th grade (he will be a sophomore in college next year). she is also one of my very close friends.

last night mike and i were hanging out in my basement watching tv. all of a sudden out of nowhere he told me that he'd been having thoughts for almost a year about hooking up with me because he knew i was gay. he said that he had these thoughts, but was unsure of how to feel because he thought he was straight, etc. etc. etc. i told him it was natural to feel that way (i personally think that all humans are bisexual in nature), and that if he wanted to experiment with a guy he should.

once again, we are almost inseparable, and have never been "like that" with each other. his girlfriend is also my really close friend and i like her a lot as a person. but i can't help being attracted to him. he's adorable. and now all of a sudden he told me he had thoughts about hooking up with me? what do you think i should do? i don't want to ruin my friendships with people, but i am definitely interested with exploring/helping him explore. let me know.
 
you said his girlfriend is your close friend and they've been going out for 4 years?.... don't think it would be a good idea to let him cheat on her with you.. unless shes okay with it
 
He shouldn't be cheating on her, that's for sure.

There's no way for him to experiment while ensuring his gf is still there for him that isn't cheating unless he told her and she consented. So I'm not sure how he can remedy his situation without cheating on her or breaking up with her so he can be free to experiment.

Since she's a good friend of yours, I'd say that you definitely need to be hands off with this one. If she finds out and he doesn't want anything more than to experiment, you could stand to lose 2 friends. No need to make this any messier.

For you, I'd say your only hope would be that either his girlfriend is understanding enough to let him experiment and explore his sexuality with you or that he ends things with her and you give it enough time that it's okay for you to start something up with him.
 
He's obviously got some issues to sort out. But as far as your'e concerned, so long as the two of them are "together", it's hands off.
 
If they're still a couple, it's cheating. Not "experimenting". Cheating.

Lex
 
It is not cheating if it is with a guy, i bet his girl would think it is hot. Hey as long as you dont take him away from her it is fine
 
alright so basically i didn't really listen to any of you, and we hooked up twice. i just figured i would let everyone know. it was really intense and we both liked it.

right after he came though, he shyed away and said how guilty he felt about his girlfriend. that was two days ago. our friendship hasn't changed yet (i know it's only been about a week), and we still hang out alone together all the time. it's not like he's scared of it happening, or he wouldn't put himself in those situations.

we were going to do it again tonight, but his girlfriend called and dragged him over there. i'm such an obsessive person that i'm already feeling upset about it. i don't want to continue doing it for the sake of my own feelings being hurt, but i can't help myself. he's too fucking cute and perfect!

while he's at school, he has another girlfriend besides the one he has at home and sees no problem with that, but thinks it's wrong to be doing this with me? i obviously think that's extremely hypocritical, but he can't help but feeling guilty about it. any thoughts?
 
Do it while you can, don't look back like me and regret times you could have done something and didn't always wondering "what if?"
 
Don't mess up two good friendships for a little action. If he wants to experiment, then he needs to discuss it with his girlfriend. If she gives the OK, I would still say that you shouldn't be the one. Once you open Pandora's box, there will be no closing it.
 
Well, our lives are our own. Do what you want, but have no regrets if your friendship with his girlfriend dies if she finds out, and if he ultimately chooses her over you.
 
sartj7 said:
alright so basically i didn't really listen to any of you, and we hooked up twice. i just figured i would let everyone know. it was really intense and we both liked it.

right after he came though, he shyed away and said how guilty he felt about his girlfriend. that was two days ago. our friendship hasn't changed yet (i know it's only been about a week), and we still hang out alone together all the time. it's not like he's scared of it happening, or he wouldn't put himself in those situations.

we were going to do it again tonight, but his girlfriend called and dragged him over there. i'm such an obsessive person that i'm already feeling upset about it. i don't want to continue doing it for the sake of my own feelings being hurt, but i can't help myself. he's too fucking cute and perfect!

while he's at school, he has another girlfriend besides the one he has at home and sees no problem with that, but thinks it's wrong to be doing this with me? i obviously think that's extremely hypocritical, but he can't help but feeling guilty about it. any thoughts?
Click to expand...

I'll disagree with most people here and say it's not cheating if he just experiments once or twice. For a str8 guy, that's experimenting once in his entire life. Not a big deal to me.

However, now that he's tried it, it's time for him to make a decision. So, IMHO, if you guys continue having sex than it definitely is cheating. His experimentation is over. You only get a "get out of cheating by experimenting with the same sex" card once in life. :-)

It doesn't sound particularly good that he's already been cheating on her with a woman in another town. Will he do that to you?
I wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole until he breaks up with both his girlfriends.

Otherwise, he's just using you (and them).
 
>>>I'll disagree with most people here and say it's not cheating if he just experiments once or twice. For a str8 guy, that's experimenting once in his entire life. Not a big deal to me.

Sorry, I'm going to disagree with lube's disagreement. :)

No, I don't think having sex with a guy once or twice means a straight guy is gay. I have no problems with a guy "experimenting". But, IMHO, one does not "experiment" while one is in a relationship. If I decided to have sex with a woman, even just to see what it was like, I'd be cheating on my boyfriend. Unless all parties are aware of what's happening, and are cool with it, it's cheating - doesn't matter if it's a male, female, a friend, a prostitute, anything.

>>>while he's at school, he has another girlfriend besides the one he has at home and sees no problem with that, but thinks it's wrong to be doing this with me? i obviously think that's extremely hypocritical, but he can't help but feeling guilty about it.

But he also can't help but have sex with you. Wonderful.

It appears that you're not even second choice now, but third choice. Maybe the sex is so fucking amazing that you don't mind only having it only when the two women aren't available to him. Maybe it's so incredible that you can meet this guy and his girlfriend face to face and carry on a civil conversation, but while thinking to your female friend, "I wish you'd go away so I could have sex with him again." In which case, enjoy it.

But that sounds like a really fucked up relationship to me.

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
>>>I'll disagree with most people here and say it's not cheating if he just experiments once or twice. For a str8 guy, that's experimenting once in his entire life. Not a big deal to me.

Sorry, I'm going to disagree with lube's disagreement. :)

No, I don't think having sex with a guy once or twice means a straight guy is gay. I have no problems with a guy "experimenting". But, IMHO, one does not "experiment" while one is in a relationship. If I decided to have sex with a woman, even just to see what it was like, I'd be cheating on my boyfriend. Unless all parties are aware of what's happening, and are cool with it, it's cheating - doesn't matter if it's a male, female, a friend, a prostitute, anything.
Click to expand...

You know it's curious because this reminds me of another thread where someone asked if jerking off to a live video was cheating.

The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that, to me, cheating occurs primarily on an emotional level.

If my bf experimented with a woman once or twice and decided it wasn't for him, and he only told me after the fact.... well, I wouldn't really consider that cheating. He didn't fall in love with someone else, he doesn't think I'm not worth staying with: he just wanted to try it once. I'd feel a little funny, sure, but I'd get over it.

Someone who JO's to live video--well, there may be problems in that relationship, but he still hasn't actually cheated in my book. There's no physical contact, there's no emotional connection--how is that cheating?

Again, if it happens over and over and over again, there's definitely a problem in the relationship.

Back to this guy, though.

I'm not sure I'd want him as a friend, much less a lover. He's showing no respect for anyone in his life. He has problems.

But that sounds like a really fucked up relationship to me.
Click to expand...

Totally agree there!
 
sartj7 said:
alright so basically i didn't really listen to any of you, and we hooked up twice.
Click to expand...

lolz I found that hilarious the way you said that


just don't catch any feelings,
because if he cheats on these girls then he would cheat on you too if the 2 of you ever got into a 'serious' relationship
 
i know i'm contradicting myself when i say this, considering i had mentioned that i tend to get emotionally attached to these things, but i'm not stupid. he's been dating my friend for nearly 4 years. obviously they have a more important relationship than the (sexual) one he and i have had for 4 days. we are both going back to school in the fall, and he will still be my friend and will have his girlfriend at college and i will have my miserable one-hookup-per-semester time at school and everything will be fine.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm trying to make this a strictly sexual relationship (many of you don't think that exists). him and i have had such a close friendship for the past 6 years, and i don't really agree that he "doesn't care about anyone in his life." that's a pretty loaded statement.

i thought about things a little more, and i think what he REALLY feels guilty about is the fact that another guy got him to orgasm. i remember the way i felt the first time that happened to me, and i'm sure he must be running the same thoughts through his head. i realized i was gay, and now am completely open about it with my friends. he has two girlfriends, and nobody knows that he has had these thoughts. it's a whole new part of him that he has never really discovered. do you think it's the two girls, or specifically having homosexual contact that has him more upset?
 
you can have a strictly sexual relationship with a fuck buddy but not a friend. Listen to what you're saying. It doesn't make sense.

Don't feel bad for him; he's using all 3 of you.
 
>>>do you think it's the two girls, or specifically having homosexual contact that has him more upset?

I think you're making excuses for him. It's very nice of you to be worried about what might be upsetting him, but it seems you're a lot more worried about his feelings than he is about yours. It may be false that he "doesn't care about anyone in his life", but what IS true (according to you) is that he's got a girlfriend, he's got a girl on the side, and he's got you on the side of that side. And unless everybody is clear that this is what is happening, then he's treating them poorly.

Lex
 
you are obviously all right... he's sitting here right now oblivious to what i'm doing hahahahhaha if only he knew... but like i said, he is my best friend. i want to give him the benefit of the doubt. i suppose we will see what happens. maybe i've opened pandora's box. maybe i'm being a horrible friend. maybe we'll never hook up again. maybe we'll hook up everyday for the rest of the summer. i don't know. i don't really think he knows. i'm just going to play it by ear.
 
well i guess it doesn't matter anymore. in a strange turn of events he told me that it can't continue because of his girlfriend and because he said "i can't be a girl when boys are both forceful in physical contact"... weird. now i'm crushed and i brought this all on myself since i didn't listen to anyone. lesson learned. sorry for wasting all of your time.
 
Chalk it up to experience.

There are a lot of smart and experienced people here.

Listen to them.

Don't follow their advice blindly, but listen to them. Think about things.
 
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