Well, I was reading this thread and it brought a lot of memories of myself and my friend back in my last years in college. This all started in 2000, when we both were about 25 and were finishing college. He had been my classmate for several years, and yet we had a nice friendship and we appreciated each other and had some great deep conversation now and then (that was characteristic of our relationship, as we both liked to read and he was much involved in college politics), I didn’t have any other particular feelings about him; I also just considered him cute. And he is cute.
But in those days I suddenly started to develop an intense crush on him. I like him more and more every day, and by the end of the year my crush had turned into HUGE. We had finished college by then, so I managed to keep in touch with him and, as a matter of fact, our friendship grew ever since and became very close. I mean, we never went out together or with other male friends, to go dancing or shooting around, and he never asked me about my sexual activities and companions. I must say I’m bisexual but very few people know about it, and he was not one of them. So, I was as much straight as him at his eyes at that time. He started to work, and the following 2 years I used to see him at least once a week, and called him every 2 or 3 days; I used to visit him at any of his offices, but always when he was alone, I had said him so and he gladly accepted so we both enjoyed those times for ourselves. We talked and laughed, and without me even asking, he liked to tell me everything he had done, here he had been and with whom, but always keeping his mouth closed about his contacts with girls. It was a beautiful relationship as we kept it secret, I mean, everyone knew we had been friends since college but none of his posse knew that we saw each other so often and by ourselves. I used to give him things when I visited him, such as ….. chocolate or some sweets, and always kissed his cheek to say hi and good-bye. It’s not unusual for male friends here (today is even more usual) but I DID kiss him very tenderly and sweetly on his cheek, and sometimes I even kissed his neck briefly! How did he use to react to this? Well, when he saw me he put his cheek himself up to be kissed by me! And everything was like that in our relationship: I always took a step forward, and he always took it very willingly and he always kind of encouraged me to keep on. He had been dating a girl sometime, but I survived to that (it lasted just about 3 months), and yet our friendship grew and grew. I was SO sweet and tender when I was with him, and he made me feel really UNIQUE, I mean, he treated me as he treated NO ONE ELSE, for he had some other close friends but he only opened himself completely when with me and he was sweet and tender ONLY with me. I was deeply in love by then, and I have to admit even today that he has been THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
I must make it clear that I was not searching for sex with him, I mean, I loved him and wanted to be with him all the time and wanted him to love me, so I thought sex would be a natural consequence of our love, but I just did not strive for a mere sex session. That was not essential to me, so I knew my feelings were very pure and real.
But I was having a hard time too as I could not resist to be close to him and not kissing him or touching him or saying to him what I was feeling, so every time I went to see him I was dreaming whether that would be the time that I could manage to tell him my feelings and got our first kiss! But it didn’t happen and it was growing harder and harder for me. Moreover, I was always fearing he would start dating a girl any given time, so I wanted him to know about my love BEFORE that could happen.
Well, as a friend of mine allowed me to use his apartment, I invited my boy to have lunch with me 3 times. I remember I cooked myself some delicious dishes for him those times, and he enjoyed them very much and if he was a little defensive at the start, I managed to make him feel comfortable and we had a nice time, but I could never find a suitable moment to tell him anything, and even if he had intended to stay with me up to the afternoon (maybe we would get a little nap then and… who knows what could have happened?), his damn cell phone always sounded and he had to leave promptly.
Well, as I was finally determined to tell him everything (as I was pretty secure he cared for me enough as to try to understand me at least and not going telling everybody even if did not share my feelings) I suddenly learned he was leaving for Spain for almost a year to take a postgraduate course at a university! I was almost desperate, not only for the upcoming long separation, but because I could not tell him anything right now as he was leaving a week later! He left finally, and I missed him so much I learned to chat in the Internet to maybe catch him online. And I certainly did it: one March evening here (it was after midnight in Spain) we spoke online by the chat and I couldn’t help hinting him about my feelings about his trip, and he left it there but in short, when he finally came back, he finally made it clear he was guessing what I was feeling, and when he went back to Spain for a month for his final exams, I sent him some e-mails and my language really betrayed me, to the point that he got very angry when he was back and he finally told me on the phone: I’M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! in angry voice. So, it all was ending then, I just wrote a letter to him when I accepted the fact that I loved him but had no hopes of him feeling the same, that I just wanted to see him and be his friend and nothing else. He once had told me we should speak together alone somehow sometime, but he never dared to and ever since our relationship has broken, we are not friends anymore and I just rarely see in on the street and we just say a neutral Hi, no smiles, no bright eyes, no hugs, no kisses, no of anything we had before. I’m 99,99% over it now, but I do think it’s kind of sad when some beautiful relationships end up like this and just because one has feelings beyond his control and just tries to be honest about them.
It’s a long post, I hope anyone might read it to the end, but it has a lot to do with this thread topic hasn’t it?
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