I have feelings for my best friend.

[backseatboy]

..and I told him the other day. Unfortunately he (I'll call him Zach) does not feel the same way.

And Zach does not want anything to change between the two of us.. Unfortunately for me, everything has. I've heard so many stories of people falling for their best friends.. Are you able to keep that friendship, and how? Do you regret it? In the context of it all I feel like an angry, inadequate, confused idiot.

Background (i'll try to make it short):

I've liked this guy since high school and I went to rigorous college a long ways away and got distracted with the college life, work, other boys, etc. Basically I never really stopped to listen to what my heart was telling me. Throughout the years I've been in college Zach and I both kinda did our own thing, but we maintained an amazing friendship though thick and thin and I started to fall even more for him. (issues with this same guy are the majority of my posts on this site throughout the years) We complete each others thoughts, we go out every time I was home on break, we seem to go through hard times at the exact same time, we kissed, call each other at the same exact time; he simply understands me like no one else. There have been so many instances where I felt the "just friend" boundary was crossed. I built up the courage to tell him how I felt last weekend because I built up this elaborate story that he must like me too... and he thinks of me as a best friend forever, not a boyfriend.

The most trifling thing about it is at the lunch date, when I was going to tell him how I felt, I got a text an hour before lunch from Zach saying that he broke up with his boyfriend of two years a few weeks ago (not bothering to tell his "bff" any of this until the last minute), and is bringing the new guy to our lunch date. FML, right? We talked later and I let it all out to get the "I think of you as a friend" response.

 

[racer2438]

keep in mind if you want to keep him as a friend, you should move on and find your love some where else.

Your not a idiot, get that out of your head. You just may be in love with someone that you cant have and it's tearing you up.

Things seem to usually go wrong when one falls for the bff and it's onesided. You want it they dont, they just want to be friends.

Friends come and og through out ones life but it's the ones that stick by you no matter what. So think about that. It will tear you up inside knowing you cant have him so why make it make your life miserable. Keep him as your friend and enjoy the friendship that can last for yrs. It will be much harder for you to deal with losing him than to be bff and still have a good friend.

If he did not tell you about his break up that's his business and he would have told you when he wanted. It looks like he wants you as a friend more that a bf. You just have to learn that sometimes no matter what you cant always get what you want. It may seem that he is not into as a bf but more a bff. So either support him and move on or you can be all down and depressed about. it's up to you..

 

[rareboy]

You've spilled your guts.

He knows how you feel.

He's told you how he feels.

Be glad for such a close friend.

Lick your wounds and move on.

 

[BiBlackMan]

I told my best friend too. The only difference is he is straight and married with a young daughter. Yes, the rejection hurt and it's hard not to still fantasize (romantically and sexually) about being with him. However, after months of feeling lonely and depressed I realized it was more important to keep my best friend than live a fantasy. Rareboy is right (and brief): lick your wounds and move on. Good luck.

 

[texan_slant]

I had feelings for my best friend, and confessed and came out at the same time;

This was almost 20 years ago. He's straight; I'm over it; and over the years, our friendship went from something unhealthy and co-dependent to something very healthy, sacred, and blessed - we're like brothers.

It ultimately becomes a choice -

Either work through your feelings, remember the positive side of it, and accept it for what it is;

...or keep feeling the anger, which turns into resentment, and move on.

It's all in how much you value your friendship. If you don't, it's OK, cuz some friendships come and go, and some are for life.

 

[G-Lexington]

You probably should take some time apart. Let him know - he'll understand. Then work on finding somebody who CAN return those feelings.

Lex

 

[backseatboy]

Sigh. I'm less upset today than I was yesterday. I definitely played my depressing playlist all day, had some tears, etc. I realized something though.. I find myself still unconvinced by his answer, but I have to accept it and move on like yall said. "Time apart" is the road I'll try to take for a while. I really need some time to comprehend and believe all of this. Two years of fantasy kinda just turned into a nightmare in less than 30 minutes.


I guess I'm back on the market without half of my heart invested in a best friend.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I find myself still unconvinced by his answer...

Here's your problem. You HAVE to both believe and accept his answer.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

The issue here is not that you have complicated feelings for your best friend. The thing with friends is that there is a lot of emotions and feelings in the relationship and it is sometimes hard to distinguish the exact nature of those feelings.

The real issue underneath this all is that you've put your hopes on something that is not to be. You finally put it out there and you got an answer about how he felt.

So, it's time for you to move on from all this. It's time for you to find someone of your own. It's time for you to date and find companionship. It's time to accept that what you had hoped would be, will not be.

So, play all the sad songs and do what you need to do. And then move on with your life... it's been two years and that is long enough.

 

[Lube]

I realized something though.. I find myself still unconvinced by his answer, but I have to accept it and move on like yall said.

You don't have to believe it, but you do have to accept it. There could be all sorts of reasons that he can't or doesn't want to be your lover. And you may not be privy to them.

So move on. Yeah, maybe you do need some time apart, too.

 

[backseatboy]

Definitely. I needed those encouraging words.

Specifically, many thanks to Lex and KaraBulut. You all have both responded and helped me through this issue of the two years.. damn, it is hard to believe its been that long. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the future.

 

[fudebako]

I've gone through exactly what you have. Probably still am, but I'm coping. Hope you find your answers.

 

[backseatboy]

Thanks! Same to you!