I have finally met a guy that i like but :(

[ebluue]

Hey all, i'm feeling very down and depressed at the moment. I'm feeling like i want to cry out loud but the tears won't come out, I rarely cried and i hate feeling this way and i don't know how to deal with it

Like my topic stated, i have finally met a guy I really like, lets call him MR IT but i don't think he is into guy stuff.
I have only known him for a few months or so and i rarely talk to him, i have barely know him, yet i don't know why i feel so attracted to him.
He isn't the best looking guy around and yet i can't help but think he is absolutely gorgeous.
He is so manly, smart, independent, yet elegant and sensitive, his mannerism is what appeals to me, plus he's got a great body too.

I don't know why, whenever i'm around him i feel a little light headed and all excited. I really like his natural smell (I didn't pick up any scent of perfumes or colognes) and i'm having a hard time trying to hold myself back from getting down on my knees when he is standing next to me, who am i kidding, i'm having a hard time trying to hold myself back from ripping of his pant when we are in the same room

I have had crush on guys before back in high school a few years ago, but this time it's a whole lot stronger and i really want to express it out, i want to tell him i like him and let him know that he is the most perfect guy . But i can't say it i'm not out and i don't want to ruin our friendship.
He is very str8 looking and acting and so chances are, he is VERY str8 and i don't want him to think i'm some kind of freak obsessing all over him. I will be devastated if he finds out and avoiding me.

a little off topic
All my life, i have always try to keep myself looking as good and elegant as possible to attract men who are rich, smart and with power, usually the CEO, top managers type etc... So far I have gotten these type of men to like and wanted me but strangely enough, i'm not attracted to them at all, they either got a family, too old or treated me like a gold digger (buy me gifts, holidays and want sex afterward) made me feel like a cheap 2 dollar ho. I'm attracted to men with money, not attracted to his money. I grew up very poor and so i want men who are smart and can provide me with financial security (I'm not going to spend his money, I work too so i got my own ca$h, i just like knowing my bf is rich).
back to topic

Since I met MR IT, i can't help but feeling down, ugly and not wanted. I have tried to seduced and flirted with him many times, like taking my shirts off or bending over on purpose while doing gym etc.. Once i asked him for advice on training certain parts of the body and ran my fingers over my chest, abs, and back/buttocks area to show him but he won't look at my body, his eyes was just fixed onto my face the whole time while he giving me advice. Not once did he look below my face

He is a nice guy and treated everyone very kindly.Ever since i met him, each night i go to bed, i imagining him cuddling and laying next to me, normally i don't think of this kind of stuff. I want him to be my bf so bad, but he is str8 (i think).

Have you guys ever felt this way before? feeling so helpless, depressed, lonely and ugly? because the guy you like doesn't feel the same way you do.

 

[ebluue]

Just to clarify, me and MR IT work at the same company. So i see him every single day during the week!

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to "I'm Closeted and in Love With a Straight Guy". Not sure where to start, so I'll just pick a spot and start.

Judging by what you've said about "getting rich guys to like me" and your futile attempts to get this guy interested (and the simple tone of your post), I'm having trouble believing the "I'm not out" claim. Being out doesn't involve putting a rainbow flag up in your cubicle. It's just letting people know you're gay. And perhaps you're absolutely brilliant at switching it on and off, but I'm guessing (like most guys) you ain't. Perhaps there's some reason you feel you need to lead the double life, but it doesn't appear to be doing you any favors.

Next up, the guy. I'm not sure if he's Mr It or Mr IT - I guess it would depend on which department he's in. He might be straight, he might be gay, but one thing's for sure - he's not interested in doing anything with you. You've made less-than-subtle moves in his direction, and were turned down cold. There are still a couple moves left to try - mainly the direct ones - but I'd argue against them. You're co-workers. Interoffice romance (or interoffice rumpy-pumpy) is rarely a good idea anyway, and when you're in a position where you have to push to hopefully accomplish anything, you're stepping way over a line there.

Why is this guy so appealing to you? Probably because he said no. At a restaurant last week, they told me they were out of peach cobbler. It wasn't until that moment that I realized how much I wanted some peach cobbler.

What should you do next? Turn your attention away from Mr IT, and find somebody else. Honestly, I don't see why you don't come out. Once you're out, it's a hell of a lot easier to get boyfriends.

Lex

 

[Ringfinger]

Interoffice romance (or interoffice rumpy-pumpy)

Oh my god, rumpy-pumpy is now part of my daily vernacular.

And I entirely agree with his lack of interest in you contributing to the strong feelings you have. You plainly stated that there are plenty of guys interested in you, but you don't like any of these ones. I have a feeling that even if MR IT ended up having an interest in you, it'd only last a month at the most before you moved on to the next person playing hard-to-get. Although, I'm fairly certain this guy isn't even doing that.

 

[Seasoned]

You are getting some kind of payoff by being in the closet and then flirting/crushing on straight or bi-guys. It doesn't sound like it is doing much for your piece of mind. Just as an outsider peaking in I'd say it's time to transition into an honest, adult world. You deserve it. If it is not something you can do on your own you may need therapy. Preoccupation and fixation are both very powerful and can have negative effects including depression and isolation. Take care and good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

The payoff for crushing on straight guys, is in your head you get all the romance and drama, and angst, the endless soap opera of analyzing his every move, the tantalizing hope that deep down he really loves you, but just is too shy to say it, the whole fantasy, with absolutely no risk of rejection. Because deep down you know he's straight, and nothing will ever happen. You can't have him because he's tragically conflicted, and can't express his feelings, but of course that also means he's not rejecting you.

It's a nice buffer for having to put yourself out there and take your chances.

That goes for gay guys who play this game in or out of the closet.

To the OP. You say you don't want to be treated like a gold digging slut, then you say you're looking for a rich guy because you grew up poor.

OK, that's kinda the definition of a gold digging slut. Stop it. Someone else's money will never be your money, and if you chase men because of their money, why do you think it's odd they treat you like a glorified prostitute?

The money is why you're there in the first place, and somehow I suspect they know that as well. Guys don't make tons of cash by being stupid.

r.e. the straight guy, you're entirely capable of avoiding him, and walking away, he's not your friend, he's not even gay. Now you can sit there and wallow in your tragic misfortune - and certainly many guys in similar situation choose to do that, but that won't change squat. Or you can choose to act - to walk away - and yes in the end it is that simple, no matter what you "feel," no matter how hard it is, walking away can't possibly be worse than all that theatrical helplessness now can it. You will either marinate in your unhappiness and complain, or you will grab a hold of your self respect and distance yourself from the soap opera.

So the ultimate question really is, do you want a resolution, or do you want the drama?

 

[rareboy]

Everyone has written everything I would offer on the subject.

So you feel ugly and unloved because the fantasy guy of your dreams is straight and not jumping your bone?

Snap out of it.

If he is straight, you're never going to have him. If he is gay, maybe you're just not his type.

Enjoy him for what he is and not as prey.

 

[ebluue]

Thanks guys for the replies.

TX-Beau, what you said is so true about me (have you been through that before?), your words helped me to realize how delusional i was. You're right on the part I made up the whole fantasy & soap drama in my head, in the corner of my mind i fooled myself thinking he might be interested in me even though in reality he doesn't even care or want to know.

Thanks again guys, your words really helped me to snap back to reality. Just today when i talked to him, i almost fell back into that same made-up fantasy routine in my head and i kept telling myself 'he is not into me' over and over again for it to sink in. I'm tired of feeling this way and i want to get over it.

You guys said coming out and putting myself out there will be better for my mental health and a whole lot easier to get a bf? how so?
what is coming out anyway? do i tell everyone i know or met that i'm gay? like 'hi, my name is blah blah blah and i like men'?

 

[jstanthrguy88]

You only want him because he dosnt want you. He that trophy to work for. Dont kid yourself and get yourself into something you will regret

 

[ebluue]

why is everyone saying i want him because he is str8 and hard to get?

I want him because he is very smart, manly and a nice guy. by the way, he is not even rich, i don't think!

 

[rareboy]

If he is straight, you're never going to have him. If he is gay, maybe you're just not his type.

Enjoy him for what he is and not as prey.

I repeat....

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks guys for the replies.

TX-Beau, what you said is so true about me (have you been through that before?), your words helped me to realize how delusional i was. You're right on the part I made up the whole fantasy & soap drama in my head, in the corner of my mind i fooled myself thinking he might be interested in me even though in reality he doesn't even care or want to know.

Thanks again guys, your words really helped me to snap back to reality. Just today when i talked to him, i almost fell back into that same made-up fantasy routine in my head and i kept telling myself 'he is not into me' over and over again for it to sink in. I'm tired of feeling this way and i want to get over it.

You guys said coming out and putting myself out there will be better for my mental health and a whole lot easier to get a bf? how so?
what is coming out anyway? do i tell everyone i know or met that i'm gay? like 'hi, my name is blah blah blah and i like men'?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that every one of us has at some point had a crush on a straight guy. The difference between dealing with that in a healthy fashion and not, is in how you deal with it. Making up illusory romances in your head and trying to convince yourself that he's secretly gay is not a healthy way of dealing with it.

Being out pretty much means you don't give a damn who knows you're gay and being able to put yourself into places and situations where there are a lot of gay men for you to crush on.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>what is coming out anyway? do i tell everyone i know or met that i'm gay? like 'hi, my name is blah blah blah and i like men'?

There's a thread about this in HT, but let me reiterate my answer here. Being out involves two things:

1. Those closest to you know.
2. You don't care who else knows.

Note that last bit. It doesn't mean you haven't told absolutely everybody. You don't need to flag down the mailman and Cousin Melba to make sure they know. But then again, you're not taking any steps to make sure they (or anybody else) DOESN'T know, either. You use terms like "boyfriend" with people, without worrying if that will alter the way they view you.

Lex

 

[ImBleedingLove]

you wanna cry but the tears won't come out ..... it's because it dosent even hurt....

 

[ebluue]

ImBleedingLove, you don't know me, so you don't know how depressed and hurt i am right now, It's so hard to get over him. I mean, i barely knew him and yet i don't know why i feel so attracted to him.

When i first saw him, i felt instantly drawn to him for some unknown reason, I can see that he isn't the best looking guy around and yet, he took my breath away when ever i see him, i'll get all emotionally excited, happy and very nervous at the same time. I don't know if he feels the same way like i do. You guys have said that he is not into me or might be str8 based on the details i've given out so far.

Even though i know there's a high chance that he is str8, i still just can't get over it, in the back of my mind, i just can't seem to let go of the feelings i have for him unless i know the real truth, whether if he is gay, str8 or bi, and whether if he likes me or not.

You guys keep saying i want him because he is hard to get or he is str8. You guys don't know me at all, I want him because he makes me feel happy when i'm around him, i feel safe and warm just being in the same room with him, and i want to make and see him smile.

This is my first time having such a strong feelings for a guy, for some reason, i can see and picture myself being very happy with him, usually when i do fantasize about guys, it's usually just the guy's body with no face. Ever since i met Mr IT, i always think of him for some unknown reason and he isn't even that good looking (yet, i still think he is absolutely gorgeous).

I have never felt like this with all the other guys that i have met and dated in the past. this time everything feels so right, there isn't a doubt in my mind that he is the perfect guy for me. His mannerism, the way he act, talk,walk and handle himself really appeals to me.

I really want to express and tell him how i feel, I want to know if he likes guy and whether if he likes me, i want to hear him say either a yes or a no.
I want to ask him so bad but i can't, this is my first job and i don't want to lose my job or my friendships with him. Yet if i don't know the answer, i'll go insane

Any of you guys got any ways of telling a guy is gay or not, or any easier ways of asking him about it? i don't want to scare him off by directly asking him 'are you gay?'.

This morning i was about to ask him if he got a gf, but i was too nervous and didn't know how to say it
I planning on asking my other work colleagues to find out if he is currently dating any girl or have done so in the past, but that guy (worked with MR IT for over 3 years) is on vacation at the moment and won't be back until next month

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I have never felt like this with all the other guys that i have met and dated in the past. this time everything feels so right, there isn't a doubt in my mind that he is the perfect guy for me. His mannerism, the way he act, talk,walk and handle himself really appeals to me.

But all evidence says that you aren't the perfect guy for him.

I don't know if this guy is gay or not. Maybe he is. But even if he is gay, it won't matter if he's not interested in you. Judging soley on what you've said, you've made some rather blatant moves on him. If he's gay, he most certainly would have picked up on that. He might have picked up on that even if he were straight. But either way, he didn't respond. At all. This seems to indicate that he's not interested. At all.

Your descriptions of him don't sound like you're "in love with him". Except perhaps in the same way you might be "in love" with a car you see through the showroom window. What you see is very appealing, and you enjoy fantasizing about owning it. But I don't get the sense that you even know this guy all that well. I see plenty of description about how this guy fits into your world, but I don't see any indication (or interest) about how you might fit into his. And that's going to be the real difficulty.

The silver lining here is that you might be viewing potential partners and relationships differently. Before, it seems you were mainly interested in really hot and rich guys to fuck. Now you're interested in a not-so-hot (and presumably not-so-rich) guy. That's progress, anyway. But I see this as a dead end, and fraught with hazards.

* It's rarely a good idea to shit where you eat. One common test is "if we hooked up, and it ended horribly, so that we hated each other, would work suffer?" It sounds like you'd fail this test.

* It's not like you haven't made a play for him. You have. He didn't respond. I really doubt that the issue is that your moves were too subtle. I'd say he gave you his answer by not giving you an answer.

You say you just want to find out if he's gay. OK then. Say you find out he's straight. Then what? You're done? You're over him? Or do you find out if he's ever be willing to jump the fence? Or say you find out he's gay, but partnered. Then what? Start seeing if he's interested on something in side? Work on breaking him up? Or what if he's gay and single, but not interested in you? Do you apply a full-court press to try to MAKE him interested in you?

This simply isn't going to end well.

We can't control our feelings. But we can control our actions. We no longer steal people's food when we're feeling hungry, or attack people every time we feel threatened, or pee on them to mark our territory. We've moved beyond that. There comes a time you have to be adult and not let your emotions dictate your actions at all times. Here's a good place to start.

Lex

 

[aneal_lingus]

you can't be straight and make another straight guy fall in love with. at the end of the day, you'll probably end up telling him you're into guys.

I'd suggest telling him you're attracted to guys (not gay, attracted to guys). I wouldn't suggest telling him you like him or waiting for him to reciprocate. If you want a straight boy, then treat him like one, be a man. By telling him you're attracted to guys, it may make him feel more comfortable with hanging with you and asking questions. Gay is a powerful word for some people and I wouldn't suggest using it on a person you're not sure of unless he uses it first ( and watch how he uses it).

Telling him doesn't need to be an event, will probably work best when you don't even expect it, maybe during the quiet part of a conversation.

I'd do it quick like a band-aid because waiting will make it worse or will even make you miss the opportunity. do it when you think he's ready, not when you are.

[done]

 

[ebluue]

>>>

Your descriptions of him don't sound like you're "in love with him". Except perhaps in the same way you might be "in love" with a car you see through the showroom window. What you see is very appealing, and you enjoy fantasizing about owning it. But I don't get the sense that you even know this guy all that well. I see plenty of description about how this guy fits into your world, but I don't see any indication (or interest) about how you might fit into his. And that's going to be the real difficulty.

Lex

G-Lexington,You're right, i barely knew him at all, After reading your messages and analyzing my feelings for him, Your description of the 'love for' car was spot on. The feelings I have for him right now isn't real love at all.
You guys are right, i guess I'm not used to being rejected and wanted what i can't have. My sudden fluctuation of emotions got way out of control and I mistaking that as real love. Guess it's my hormones playing tricks on me.


I feel so much better now and i don't feel that attracted to him anymore, i have placed him in the 'just friends' group and that's that. Now MR IT is just MR I-T and not MR 'it'.
I'm not depressed anymore after sorting through my emotions. So thanks guys, all of you are amazing, your advice and insight really helped me out a lot (especially G-Lexington, you should be a love marriage consultant).

Now, i'm back on the look out for a rich man who want me for me, an elegant gold digger with a heart. LOL kidding!

I'll let you guys know when i do find the right guy! Take care and best luck in life, bye

 

[rareboy]

Now, i'm back on the look out for a rich man who want me for me, an elegant gold digger with a heart. LOL kidding!

somehow I doubt you are kidding....