I have trouble meeting guys....

[gaysian85]

I live in an area where it is very hard for me to meet other gay men for both relationships and friendships. Online dating sites are my main source of meeting other gay men. The problem is that every guy that I talk to literally stop talking to me after an average of two weeks and won't even acknowledge my existence. And I have been on two for a little over three years now and I still got nothing. I have become so paranoid about being abandoned now that I am afraid to try to make new friends because I get abandoned and then I fall into an awful cycle of self-hate and basically stop caring about how I look or even cleaning my apartment. I'll shower, do laundry, take the garbage out, and do dishes but nothing else. I just stop caring in general and see no point in making an effort. I have been known to act this way for up to a year. Sometimes I think that if I developed an eating disorder like bulimia, people would like me and will never ever want to leave me because I'm not "fat." My question is how do I get guys to actually talk to me after two weeks and not abandon me and still feel good about myself which I have never really been able to do?

 

[thenewkcm]

I have a few questions that I'd like to ask you.

Are there any non-profit organizations or support groups in your area? It's important that you're aware of the resources in your community. You can't rely on the internet as your primary source of communication and socializing, it's going to isolate you.

Have you ever considered therapy to get an objective point of view? Having an eating disorder is not a healthy option spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically. You shouldn't sacrifice your well being for the acceptance of others.

What hobbies do you have? It would be great if you can take your time and discover different things you may enjoy. Of course you won't like everything, but you'll never know if you don't try.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Could you please provide some detail on yourself (age, area, weight, educational background, things you are attracted to in guys, etc) and What your approach is for communicating with guys online?

Guys online usually stop talking to you because after some point they start to lose interest. My first impression is that either you are saying something that is scaring them off (your approach), or you are not giving them the impression that something will go further between the two of you, but at this point I don't ave enough information to say why guys are not talking to you because you have not provided any details on these interactions.

 

[gaysian85]

I have a few questions that I'd like to ask you.

Are there any non-profit organizations or support groups in your area? It's important that you're aware of the resources in your community. You can't rely on the internet as your primary source of communication and socializing, it's going to isolate you.

Have you ever considered therapy to get an objective point of view? Having an eating disorder is not a healthy option spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically. You shouldn't sacrifice your well being for the acceptance of others.

What hobbies do you have? It would be great if you can take your time and discover different things you may enjoy. Of course you won't like everything, but you'll never know if you don't try.

I live outside of Pittsburgh and my county has no LGBT support other than PFLAG. In fact there is literally only ONE gay bar and it isn't even open until 9 PM Tuesday through Saturday. Even then no one will talk to me. I have no idea how to start conversations either. And I basically am afraid to even apporach new people and talk about myself because I think that they'll abandon me like everyone else around me aside from family tend to do.

Could you please provide some detail on yourself (age, area, weight, educational background, things you are attracted to in guys, etc) and What your approach is for communicating with guys online?

Guys online usually stop talking to you because after some point they start to lose interest. My first impression is that either you are saying something that is scaring them off (your approach), or you are not giving them the impression that something will go further between the two of you, but at this point I don't ave enough information to say why guys are not talking to you because you have not provided any details on these interactions.

I'm 29, I live in PA, and I'm willing to accept practically any guy as long as he isn't a drug user, an alcoholic, or will physically or verbally abuse me. I give hints that I'm interested in guys online and I am polite and respectful and they still abandon me. My loneliness seems to be getting worse because I tend to buy more unnecessary stuff whenever I have money even though I KNOW I do not have room for it all.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK it seems you are a mess, and you're fooling yourself if you think other people don't see that. It's time to stop focusing on finding guys, having a boyfriend is a distraction you are using to avoid dealing with yourself.

Yes you are lonely, but that doesn't mean you are in any place to BE a good boyfriend.

FIND A THERAPIST!!!!!!!!

We're amateurs and you need consistent professional advice. Even if you don't, ask yourself, would you date you? Then don't WALLOW in your insecurities DO SOMETHING about them. If you want to be gym fit - work out, if you think you need better interpersonal skills, go talk to people - NOT to date them, to PRACTICE. You can find people everywhere, some will be nice, some won't. That has nothing to do with you. You can find people to talk to by joining a charity committee, volunteering, taking meals to the elderly and infirm, joining a hiking club, hell, just sitting in cafe, NONE OF WHICH HAS TO BE gay.

You won't find confidence and self esteem in someone else, you have to develop that FOR yourself BY yourself - and you probably won't find a guy, and if you do you'll never keep a guy, if you're a train wreck emotionally. That's a vicious cycle, you look for what you need to find in yourself, in someone else, he disappointing, or he leaves, you blame yourself - wash rinse repeat.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to tell you it's time to break the cycle. The one thing that absolutely certain, is that nothing will change, unless you change it.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I live outside of Pittsburgh and my county has no LGBT support other than PFLAG. In fact there is literally only ONE gay bar and it isn't even open until 9 PM Tuesday through Saturday. Even then no one will talk to me. I have no idea how to start conversations either. And I basically am afraid to even apporach new people and talk about myself because I think that they'll abandon me like everyone else around me aside from family tend to do.



I'm 29, I live in PA, and I'm willing to accept practically any guy as long as he isn't a drug user, an alcoholic, or will physically or verbally abuse me. I give hints that I'm interested in guys online and I am polite and respectful and they still abandon me. My loneliness seems to be getting worse because I tend to buy more unnecessary stuff whenever I have money even though I KNOW I do not have room for it all.

Maybe you should talk to them instead of waiting for them to talk to you?? You gotta grow a pair and just do it. A wise man (my father) once told me, ask and ye might receive, don't ask, and you will never know. That is to say, rejection is a part of life which you have already experienced, but if you don't even pursue what/who you want, you will never know what will happen. Why does someone being not interested in you hurt your pride so much at 29 y/o? You should seek to understand that and grow from it.

Conversation Starters:

1. That's a nice hat/watch/shirt/shoes. Where did you get it/them? Cool my name is XXXXXXX, what is your name?

2. Oh I see you are drinking xxxxxx. Are those good? I'm more of a XXXX(whatever you are drinking) myself. Maybe I'll get one next, btw my name is xxxxx, what is your name?


Ok, you still have not told us anything about yourself, what you like to do, or what kind of man you are. Do you literally give a "hint" to any guy between 18-99 online who does not explicitly state they are abusive or an addict? I am sure you have a more detailed selection process and you have shed no light on what it is. What does a "hint" even mean? You have basically told us nothing we didn't already assume...

The fact that you don't even have an idea of what kind of personality or interests you want in a potential significant other shows that you don't know anything about YOURSELF. At 29, that is a problem. One that should be immediately addressed. I suggest actually writing down on pen and paper who you are in 3 sentences. These may change, but at least you will start to understand how to express it and start to recognize it.

Fuck hints. How many guys have you asked out to dinner or on a real date from online?

They are not abandoning you, as they owe you nothing. Don't expect them to think they owe you something either. If there isn't a match, there isn't a match. This is how dating and meeting people works.

How far out of Pittsburgh? Maybe consider moving to Pittsburgh, halfway between, or just going into the city more often to meet people in person.

Who are your friends? Have you expressed any of this to them? DO you have any friends? What is your profession? Can you find that opportunity in Pittsburgh?

Maybe, everytime you think you are going to buy something because you are feeling lonely, take that money and buy someone a drink at the local gay bar or make it a point to ask someone to dinner from online and say its on you? Just a suggestion as to how you could use that habit to your benefit.

I hate to say it though, but I largely agree with TX-Beau. Seek some therapy if you can afford it.

 

[gaysian85]

^I don't really have any friends. They all abandon me as well.

 

[JimLahey]

I second the therapist suggestion. Now I'm a psych major so I've got a bit of a bias, but really these people are trained to get to the root of problems. In the mean time go here: www.succeedsocially.com/

 

[checkinthingsout]

^I don't really have any friends. They all abandon me as well.

Well see if you can use some of the other advice I provided in my previous response to get the ball rolling and tell us how it works out.

In the meantime, seek therapy.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I would find friends first.

You can go to a therapist.. but that doesn't always work and can cost money.. requires insurance... etc.
I think therapy is the best route but if not, there are other options.

What are you interested in? Find groups for people interested in those same things. Are you shy? socially anxious? They have groups for those too.

Meetup.com is one site but there are many others that you can use since it seems you are most comfortable with the internet.

Until you have a stable network of friends or people that you can talk to, I don't think you are ready for a boyfriend. Potential guys will notice the clinginess, insecurity, and desperation. This is coming from someone who has had their own struggles meeting people, making friends, etc.

I wish you the best of luck and remember that we are here to help!

 

[TX-Beau]

Let me second a very wise thing Lucky has said, if the guy you are trying to date is the only thing in your social life, you will become attached and clingy to an unhealthy degree.

Everyone likes to talk about what they want in a nice guy, almost no one talks about how to be that nice guy to be met. Attraction, relationships, they take two people. You have to be the nice guy for someone else, never forget that. SO, you work on yourself to make you the best you, you can be, and I promise you, something will happen.

Obsessing over finding a guy is a huge red flag.

 

[thenewkcm]

TX-Beau, you need your own advice column. I enjoy reading your responses!

 

[gaysian85]

I would find friends first.

You can go to a therapist.. but that doesn't always work and can cost money.. requires insurance... etc.
I think therapy is the best route but if not, there are other options.

What are you interested in? Find groups for people interested in those same things. Are you shy? socially anxious? They have groups for those too.

Meetup.com is one site but there are many others that you can use since it seems you are most comfortable with the internet.

Until you have a stable network of friends or people that you can talk to, I don't think you are ready for a boyfriend. Potential guys will notice the clinginess, insecurity, and desperation. This is coming from someone who has had their own struggles meeting people, making friends, etc.

I wish you the best of luck and remember that we are here to help!

I'd WOULD use meetup.com but literally everything I'm interested in has nothing local or even closer to me than a two hour drive. And I don't pay for the gas in my car myself.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I'd WOULD use meetup.com but literally everything I'm interested in has nothing local or even closer to me than a two hour drive. And I don't pay for the gas in my car myself.

Maybe focus on being more economically independent at first so you can pursue your interests and have the ability to make your own friends when and where you want to, and on your own terms?

That freedom will greatly increase your chances of finding friends or a date.

 

[chrisrobin]

Is anyone familiar with "Front Runners?" It's a club for getting LGBT folks together. Many groups (in many cities) meet on Saturday mornings. They go for a fun run/walk and afterward, meet for breakfast and socializing.

You can't win if you don't play.

Check it out:

http://www.frontrunners.org/

 

[hylas]

Well, firstly, it's not so uncommon for people you meet online to disappear after a short while. It's just part of how it works. You meet, you get to know each other a little, and maybe one of you just "isn't feeling it", so they move on. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesnt say anything about either of you, other than that you weren't meant for each other. Unfortunately, many guys don't have the manners (or the balls) to properly say goodbye, and simply disappear. This is unfortunate, but ultimately just how it works these days.

ALL THAT BEING SAID, a lot of what you're writing is giving me a whole bunch of red flags. I think you should seriously consider professional help. Do it for yourself, but a nice side effect is that it will also make you more attractive to other men. Good luck!