The Original Gay Porn Community - Free Gay Movies and Photos, Gay Porn Site Reviews and Adult Gay Forums

  • Welcome To Just Us Boys - The World's Largest Gay Message Board Community

    In order to comply with recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding adult content, we will be making changes in the future to require that you log into your account to view adult content on the site.
    If you do not have an account, please register.
    REGISTER HERE - 100% FREE / We Will Never Sell Your Info

    PLEASE READ: To register, turn off your VPN (iPhone users- disable iCloud); you can re-enable the VPN after registration. You must maintain an active email address on your account: disposable email addresses cannot be used to register.

  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

I just came out...then back in.

O

OTHFan

Slut
Joined
Dec 18, 2006
Posts
226
Reaction score
0
Points
0
So I posted a really beautiful video called the gay rights movement on my facebook page. the first comment was a friend of mine asking when i would be coming out of the closet and I probably should have just ignored it but the video really moved me and made me feel proud of the fact that I was gay so i responded that i just did. Now this decision was really on impulse and I haven't even told my parents yet but it just felt right. my friend responded positively but then my dad came in to say goodnight and I told him what i did aka came out to him for the first time. He is very narrow minded and said some ignorant things but he gave me the impression that as long as i was happy, so was he. My timing was really bad though because he's getting married in march and if people saw my comment, he was worried it would become an issue at the wedding so he asked me to remove it and at first i didn't want to because I never want to go back to that place but I realized that i already came out to him so he knows for sure now so for that reason, i did what he wanted and took down the post. It's probably for the best since i still need to tell my mom which i'm planning to do when i see her this weekend. Still though, our conversation went really long obviously and i'm not sure how many people might have seen it before i removed it. Now i'm thinking it was a stupid thing to do and that I made it harder on myself by having to do it again and I should have just waited. On the other hand, this has been something that's taken me 23 years to do and i didn't want to waste anymore time not being true to myself What do you guys think? Was I foolish or should I be proud?
 
I think you should be proud. You came out to your dad and you respected his wishes, regardless of whether or not his fears may or may not be misguided. It wasn't as if you had a lot of time to think about your decision. Also, there's the added fact that you haven't told your mom. I think she deserves to hear it from you and not from Facebook.

Once you've done that, I could totally see you putting the post back up.

I do have one question. Do you live with your dad or on your own?
 
I still live with him. I'm working on moving on my own.

I was surprised at how easy it was to say it. His reaction wasn't the best but I think his biggest worry is i'll get attacked or something but I assured him I would be fine.
 
OTHFan said:
I still live with him. I'm working on moving on my own.
Click to expand...

I can understand that in this economy.

OTHFan said:
I was surprised at how easy it was to say it. His reaction wasn't the best but I think his biggest worry is i'll get attacked or something but I assured him I would be fine.
Click to expand...

My mom has the same worry, which I think is understandable.
 
Be proud. You did it, one step is done. Now that you know how hard it is, you can take different measures towards your mother and other people.

And as for coming out, I don't think facebook is the best place to do it. The friends you truly care about are the ones you will eventually see in real life, right? Why not tell them there, instead of facebook. Facebook is just a big source of rumours and bitchy insults.
 
yeah dont worry. a facebook post is not all that. the important thing is that you came out, to your dad and to some other people, and thats great! and now you just keep going at your own speed and soon you will be out to everybody and feel great about it.

as for your dads worry that "it might be an issue at the wedding"... what bullshit. hes insecure about the subject and like all such people, hes grasping at rationalisations and excuses. its sweet of you that you respect his issues, but never forget that its ultimately his problem not yours. be mindful of his issues because hes your dad - it seems you already are - but you cant let him hold you back.
 
hylas said:
yeah dont worry. a facebook post is not all that. the important thing is that you came out, to your dad and to some other people, and thats great! and now you just keep going at your own speed and soon you will be out to everybody and feel great about it.

as for your dads worry that "it might be an issue at the wedding"... what bullshit. hes insecure about the subject and like all such people, hes grasping at rationalisations and excuses. its sweet of you that you respect his issues, but never forget that its ultimately his problem not yours. be mindful of his issues because hes your dad - it seems you already are - but you cant let him hold you back.
Click to expand...

Yes, but he needs to keep in mind that his father respected him, so he should respect his father as well.
 
The deleting of a FB post does not make you back in :) Little things like that decide nothing. You can put in your profile "Interested in Men", then delete it from the news feed. But Darted is right - you wanna tell people in person.

The only way you can get back in the closet is if when asked right out whether you're gay, you reply with "no".
 
Rolyo85 said:
The deleting of a FB post does not make you back in :) Little things like that decide nothing. You can put in your profile "Interested in Men", then delete it from the news feed. But Darted is right - you wanna tell people in person.

The only way you can get back in the closet is if when asked right out whether you're gay, you reply with "no".
Click to expand...

I don't think that going back in the closet is a great idea. Once you're out, you know how much easier things are (in most cases). I really think that Facebook should not have any of that relationship crap on it. It should be to reconnect with old friends, that's it. If you want to know if someone is gay, and you go see them IN PERSON, then you deserve to know. Otherwise, if you can't go through that trouble, it can't too relevant and you shouldn't worry about it.
 
Darted said:
Yes, but he needs to keep in mind that his father respected him, so he should respect his father as well.
Click to expand...

I think what hylas is trying to get at is that he shouldn't have to hide his sexuality from anyone out of respect. His dad is uncomfortable with people finding out that his son is gay, but that's an issue that his dad has to work on accepting. People will eventually find out regardless, but he shouldn't have any shame for it. The op shouldn't have to hide part of his life, because his family isn't currently comfortable with it.- They might never be.

Respect =/= Asking someone to hide apart of who they are because they are uncomfortable with it right now.- It's like telling someone to go back into the closet until they are ready to deal with it. It's not fair to ask that out of anyone.

Congrats on coming out OP.- You should feel proud. It takes time, and you'll get there in time. =] It's not always easy, but you are headed in the right direction. I used to feel the same way with my parents, always tired respecting there wishes, now I am who I am. I don't brag it, but I am also not going to hide that part of me for them. It's who I am.
 
DeadRussianSpaceMonkey said:
I think what hylas is trying to get at is that he shouldn't have to hide his sexuality from anyone out of respect. His dad is uncomfortable with people finding out that his son is gay, but that's an issue that his dad has to work on accepting. People will eventually find out regardless, but he shouldn't have any shame for it. The op shouldn't have to hide part of his life, because his family isn't currently comfortable with it.- They might never be.

Respect =/= Asking someone to hide apart of who they are because they are uncomfortable with it right now.- It's like telling someone to go back into the closet until they are ready to deal with it. It's not fair to ask that out of anyone.

Congrats on coming out OP.
Click to expand...

His father is obviously shocked, respectfully or not. His father never asked him to hide, just to simply wait. It's not like OP needs to come out to everyone and make a scene. I think he should be happy that his father took it so well, unlike so many other people's father's who disown their son's.
 
Darted said:
His father is obviously shocked, respectfully or not. His father never asked him to hide, just to simply wait. It's not like OP needs to come out to everyone and make a scene. I think he should be happy that his father took it so well, unlike so many other people's father's who disown their son's.
Click to expand...

He's been waiting for 23 years, why should he have to wait any longer? Isn't waiting, the same thing as having to hide who you are in this case. What kind of response is- their are fathers whom disown their son's...? The point is he shouldn't have to hide who he is out of respect for anyone else. His dad's response is both inconsiderate and selfish.
Coming out is about acceptance- Not feeling shamed with who you are.- It's about being true to who you are, being true to yourself.- That's when we are the most happy. That's when our life seems to have the most meaning, because we are being ourself, without being ashamed about who we are. No one, should have to hide who they are, because it makes someone else uncomfortable.- That's their problem and issue to deal with, not yours. Yours is just being who you are, people can take it or leave it.
 
hi OTHFan,

Congratuated with outing yourself, and great to hear you are proud on yourself as being a gay man.

I keep having some problems that your dad told you to remove this video from your facebook account. In fact, I feel very uncomfortable about this. On the other hand, you are still living in the same house, so I can imagine very well that you have removed the video. Others over here have told you many other ways how you can let your facebook friends know that you are a strong supporter of the gay liberation movement. Hey man, also straight guys can post this video on their facebook page, its not something which is only allowed for gay people.

But please don't let you throw back into the closet. Your dad is narrow-minded (as you told us), so he is the one who needs to change.

And how about that wedding in March, and those 'issues' your dad is afraid of? What's the problem? Alot of homophobes around, who might attack you when it becomes obvious that you are gay (your dad told you he was afraid of this)? What's that for weird wedding party? So your dad likes it (and even promotes it) that you ly to these 'wedding people'? I mean, there is no doubt that you will ly to them that you are 'straight, single, and still are looking around for a girlfriend'. Have you told your dad that this means that he is promoting that his son is lying?

And how about the boyfriend? Maybe you meet Mr sweethart tomorrow, who knows.. Mr sweethart is not allowed to atttend this wedding party, because there are too many homophobes around?

So your dad is the biggest problem, and I feel very sad that he is trying to relocate his problem to you.

Anyway, please keep out and proud, and don't mingle with homophobes.

Best wishes, and feel free to ask additional questions.
 
Congratulations on coming out. You are the best judge of how to live with your dad. You've made your move and you'll discover what works best. Taking down your blanket announcement doesn't put you back in the closet. Pay attention to your feelings and priced accordingly.
 
Darted said:
His father is obviously shocked, respectfully or not. His father never asked him to hide, just to simply wait. It's not like OP needs to come out to everyone and make a scene. I think he should be happy that his father took it so well, unlike so many other people's father's who disown their son's.
Click to expand...

well, my point was that the OP should do what is right for him, whatever that means. yes, that also includes considering the feelings of his father, but also considering his own needs.

i dont think his father reacted all that well. it sounds to me like it could have been worse, but also much better. his father may have been shocked, but hes an adult, and he is not the one dealing with all the homophobia. personally, i tend to think that straight people should just get the fuck over it, because regarding this issue, us fags have it much worse and i have little time for their insecurities.

asking somebody to wait for another two months, for a stupid reason, seems unreasonable to me. but again, i think the OP is the best judge of that. he knows his situation and his father best, and im sure hell make the right decision, whatever it may be, if he remembers that he loves his father and loves himself.
 
Thank you guys. I love all your feedback. I know my dad needs to get over people finding out. He said that he just wants me to wait for the wedding and after that, i can tell whoever i want but we'll see if that's really his attitude when the time comes. Regardless, today was a pretty incredible day for me. my dad treated me the same as he always has. He came in to say goodnight and that he loves me like he always did. plus that friend of mine i was talking about told me how happy she was for me. I feel amazing. I still have to tell my mom but I'm not that worried about it. It may be a shock to her and possibly break her heart at first but i know she loves me to death and i'm fairly confident i won't lose her because of this.
 
Not to be rude or anything, but you've been crying to come out of the closet for almost 5 1/2 years now. Fuck your dads bullshit marriage in 3 months from now. There's always a reason / excuse to stay in the closet. Grow a pair and tell your adulterous dad to go fuck himself.
 
I don't know, OTHFan, but it seems MOST come out to their Moms first cuz they're scared shitless of how their Dads might react.
It sounds like your Dad took it pretty well....... :-)
I think you're pretty lucky to have a Dad like him.
 
I get that a lot of people have the fuck it be out and proud mentality and its awesome to be that way but I don't think your Dad is being unreasonable.

If this was a year away from the wedding I'd say he's in the wrong but because the wedding is close this may be the first time many family and friends are together and why would he want the focus being taken off of his day for himself or for his bride?
 
willtate said:
I don't think your Dad is being unreasonable.

If this was a year away from the wedding I'd say he's in the wrong but because the wedding is close this may be the first time many family and friends are together and why would he want the focus being taken off of his day for himself or for his bride?
Click to expand...

Dear Willtate,

Excuse me very much, but I disagree with your opinion. Only homophobe and/or bigotted and/or narrow-minded parents will react on such a way.

Parents who are open-minded and who are aware what is means when people are gay (eg because they have good friends and/or beloved relatives who are gay) won't face any difficulties when their beloved son will tell them that he is a gay, and under such circumstances (so a few months before a wedding). For them it will be no big deal, as it will be very likely that also gay people will attend this wedding party (very likely when around 100 ppl will be on the party). And the beloved uncle Y with husband Z are just 2 of them.

I will give you an example.

(1): OTHFan is a straight guy and just got engaged with a nice girl. At the moment, she is the girlfriend of OTHFan, and both are very serious about the relationship. Ah, and dad will remarry within a few months, so that's a good moment for OTHFan to introduce his girlfriend to the rest of the family (and to alot of friends of his parents as well).

(2): OTHFan is gay and just got engaged with a nice guy. At the moment, he is the boyfriend of OTHFan, and both are very serious about the relationship. Ah, and dad will remarry within a few months, so that's a good moment for OTHFan to introduce his boyfriend to the rest of the family (and to alot of friends of his parents as well).

Or do you try to tell me that the real OTHFan (#2) is not allowed to bring the boyfriend to this party, and that he must ly to all these people that he is 'straight, single, and still looking around for a nice girl'?

Excuse me very much, but I don't see your point. What's the deal to promote homophobes? Is is a shame / bad etc that this dad has a gay son?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top