I just came out to mother

[timesquare101]

And it was possibly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I just couldn't let it out, it felt impossible. She sat next to me after I told her "I need to tell you somethings". After that, a few minutes went by, she held my hands and just waited for me. And i finally came out with the words "I'm gay". She was very shocked, I could tell a million thoughts were going through her head. She asked me what made me think that, to which I replied " I don't think, I've know for a few years". We then just sat there for around 10 minutes, as I held my arm her, and reassured her. I was strong for her. She didn't know what to say, but told me that she still loved me, she was just really overwhelmed. It was so difficult. She later told me that this will take her some time to adjust to. I love her so much, a part of me feels guilty for placing such a heavy burden on her by telling her.

 

[G-Lexington]

Your mother deserves to know the truth about you. What you've told her may be tough for her to deal with for a while, but I'm positive in the long run she'll be happy you told her rather than hid it from her.

Lex

 

[Inwood]

First off, congratulations. You've done one of the hardest things you'll ever do, and from what I can tell, you did it well. Be proud of yourself.

Second, give your mom some time. She will have a range of emotions to go through, and it sounds as if ultimately she will return to the same person you know and love at some point, but she will need some time. Mind you she's not reconsidering her relationship with you, but needs time to process the fact that you're gay.

Moms are smart gals. 99.9% of the time they already know - they're pretty intuitive - but hearing it vocalized is still a bit of a shock. When I came out to my mom she was good at first, then for a period of time it was a little weird with us as she didn't know how to act or react to certain things, but she eventually came around. Now, she's a HUGE part of my life as well as my husband's, and in fact, when we got married last month she insisted on paying for a big chunk of it! She is 1000% supportive of me and my husband. What a difference from ten years ago!

Hang in there. Keep open the lines of communication, but don't pressure her to talk. She'll talk when she's ready, but don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her either. Just be the same son you've always been, and if it comes up in conversation, remind her of that. You're still her little boy, you still love her, and the bond you share will not change because of who you are.

Good luck, and keep up posted on your progress.

 

[Giovanni]

Good job. Some of us don't have mothers to come out to, you know.

 

[timesquare101]

Thanks guys Today (the day after i told her) has been really difficult though. She has been really depressed, and we haven't talked about it. I have felt slightly awkard around her, i feel like somewhat of a new person around her - its kind of feels like an outer-body experience. For years I have kept this to myself, its all been in my head. Now she knows, it just weird. Later in the day, she had a big cry, as I hugged her tight. She kept saying that she feels so alone, that she has no one to talk to (her "relationship" with my father is very strained - and i think she's most worried about he will react to the news when i eventually tell him). I just kept reassuring her, telling her how much I love her.

I just really want her to start asking me questions so i have chance to properly explain everything, should i wait for her to ask? What if we go on completely avoiding the subject? i dont want that to happen.

 

[rareboy]

She kept saying that she feels so alone, that she has no one to talk to

Uhhhh. She has you.

While I appreciate the parental 'grieving' notion when their kid tells them they are a homo, your mother has a responsibility to ensure that she is looking for her own answers as well.

Suggest she go online or talk to other parents at PFLAG.

Her first concern should be that her child is happy; not that he has not lived up to her expectations.

 

[timesquare101]

Uhhhh. She has you.

While I appreciate the parental 'grieving' notion when their kid tells them they are a homo, your mother has a responsibility to ensure that she is looking for her own answers as well.

Suggest she go online or talk to other parents at PFLAG.

Her first concern should be that her child is happy; not that he has not lived up to her expectations.

I really do respect your opinion, but my mother wants nothing more for my happiness. If you understood my family situation (ie. my dad) you would understand why this is such a hard situation for her. She's depressed for many reasons, not just me coming out. She has alot of stress on her - she basically runs the lives of 5 people as well as full-time job - and has a very un-supportive husband who only puts her down. My mum loves me, I never worried about her reaction when I came out. Not that that makes coming out any easier. I just need to be strong for her and guide her through this; return the strength she's showed me over all these years.

 

[sb]

I want to say congratulations too.

You shouldn't feel guilty... she should feel proud that she has raised a son that is able to have an open and honest relationship with her.

She sounds as though she handled the information well.... in a few months you will probably both be wondering what the big deal was.

 

[broadwayboi]

Congratulations. It's very tough coming out to your mom....I was just there 5 years ago. My mom was a bit shocked when I told her, and she had a few questions, but she wasn't surprised. After a few days we started talking around the subject, but never anything direct. A few weeks later the lines of communication really opened up. Just give her some time. She'll come around I promise. I finally knew my mom accepted me 100% when she told a couple of my aunts I was gay. Best of luck, and do keep us posted.

 

[954dude]

It's not a burden, don't feel that way. She's only shocked. The fact that she's understanding and supportive shows her love for you. Congrats!

 

[Yves]

Congratulations! That's a huge step and your mom showed support and acceptance. As mentioned before, your mother might need some extra time to adjust her expectations and clarify basic questions/misconceptions about homosexuality. Give her some time and offer some resources if needed. rareboy mentioned PFLAG and that's an excellent resource.

She's depressed for many reasons, not just me coming out. She has alot of stress on her - she basically runs the lives of 5 people as well as full-time job - and has a very un-supportive husband who only puts her down. My mum loves me, I never worried about her reaction when I came out. Not that that makes coming out any easier. I just need to be strong for her and guide her through this; return the strength she's showed me over all these years.

Your mom is dealing with a lot of stressors and she might need some extra support in general (based on the other family factors you mentioned). A full time job and 5 people don't leave much extra time. PFLAG has online material. A few minutes online browsing PFLAG might clarify basic questions expected at this stage (even if those questions are not the main factors affecting her stress level)

www.pflag.org/

Congrats again!!

 

[luminum]

A child being honest with his mother and trusting her enough to tell her about himself and trust in her love is probably the greatest gift you can give her. So don't feel guilty, feel happy that you and your mother have a bond that is strong enough for you to do the most difficult thing and for her to still love you despite society's preconceptions.

That being said, it's understandably a big thing for her to take in, and perhaps finding your local chapter of PFLAG can give you some ideas for how to help her transition together with you or with the support and guidance of other parents.

Check here at the main site to find a chapter near you (assuming you live in the US): www.pflag.org

To expand on what Rareboy was saying, she's probably feeling like she's alone, but she does have you to talk to. However, she may not be ready to talk to you for fear of offending you or you not having the same perspective she may need. That's why PFLAG is a good idea, because it's other parents in the same situation understanding and learning about themselves and their queer children together. Other parents may understand what she's going though and give her someone else to speak to.

 

[timesquare101]

Thanks heaps guys, I've printed out the "Our Daughters and Sons: Qns and Answers for Parents of GLB People" booklet, from the PFLAG website, for her to read. I'll give it to her tomorrow. She was still in a depressive mood this morning, but her mood lifted during the evening, and we watched tv together. Before she went to bed, I asked her how she was feeling and she put that brave face on, and said we'll talk tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I just came out to my twin sisters who are two years younger than I am (I'm 20). They were really, really good about it. It was much easier coming out to them cause they understand it more. Wow, thats 3 out of 4 people in my immediate family who now know something I have kept inside me for almost a decade, in the space of two days.

 

[luminum]

Good for you, Keep us updated.

 

[SL1986]

Wow. From reading this, I wish I have the same courage as you. Only some of my friends really knows. I really want to tell my parents but I am so afraid that I will be disowned or something. Good thing they don't really know how to use the internet. I love my mother, so I really don't want to lose her. Anyway, Congratulation! Keep us updated and good luck with everything.

 

[Xpione]

Awesome, congrats on a sucessful and warm coming out

 

[Tizinsane]

Congrats!! Good for you!

My mom has bipolar disorder. I'm not exactly sure how she would react to me coming out. One minute she might be totally okay with it and loving, the next she might call me a homo and tell me to fuck off!