I just can't do it! Help

[GayJerseyGuy]

Alright guys...so here's the deal. I have more than a "foot" out the door...but can't seem to tell the most important people right now.

Some friends know that I'm gay...as do some co-workers. My Aunt and Cousin know, as does my Brother and my Sister-In-Law. So far everyone has been really accepting and very cool about my coming out. The problem lies with my parents. I know that they're probably going to be okay with it...but I just can't seem to hack up the nerve to just say it. So today, I printed out a letter and was planning on presenting it to my mom...but again, I just couldn't get myself to do it.

You may say, you'll do it when you're ready. I really am ready...but something is holding me back. I mean I'm starting to go out on dates, and don't want to have to hide this part of my life from my parents if I get myself into a real, long-term, meaningful relationship.

So...why can't I just do it? I mean saying it in a letter is easier for me, but I'm just worried of the initial reaction as well as the awkwardness for the first bit of time thereafter.

How can I just suck it up and drop the ball? I'm busting at the seems. I can't keep it inside anymore...and I think I'm getting so stressed over it that I'm starting to not feel well.

Please help a guy come out of the closet all the way. I'm tired of just having my foot out the closet door.

Sorry for the rant...but it feels really good to get it of my chest!
Thanks for all your help

 

[Eagle653]

Hi GayJerseyGuy, your problem, as you probably know, isn't that unusual. It's really hard to talk about something so personal with ones parents. I would think that, for most of us, they were the toughest conversations we had about this. It's just very difficult to talk about things sexual with ones parents, period.

Whatever you say to them, it has to be natural and mesh with your style of speaking and your personality. Thus, it's hard to "script" this for another person.

Here, though, are a couple of ways I've heard it done that I thought were pretty adult and matter-of-fact.

One was a conversation that said "You know, I think the world of you guys. Because of that, there's something I want you to know about me, because I really don't want there to be any wedge between us. I love you too much for that. Over time, I've realized that I like guys more than I do girls. I've thought a long time about this, and I'm certain of it. I don't have a bf right now, nor anyone I'm in love with. But, the time will come and, when it does, I want to share him with you like I would a gf. I don't want to hide anything from you or create any awkwardness. I know you love me and always wanted me to be happy. I am happy, and if I find a bf, I will be happier still--and I want you to know him and be part of our lives."

Another went along the lines of "You've asked me, a few times, if I had a girlfriend [or when I'm going to get a girlfriend]. The truth of the matter is that I have thought about this a long time, and I'm certain that I like men better. I'm fine with that, and hope you are too. I don't have a bf at the moment, but when one comes along, I hope that you'll accept him as you would a wife. It's important to me that you know this about me, because I don't want to be sneaky or have any awkwardness between us, etc. etc."

You have some close family members who know. Talk to them privately and elicit their advice. They know you, your style, and your parents. Ask them how they'd broach it and what words they'd use if they were in your shoes.

Lastly, are you sure they don't know already? Parents frequently sense these things in their kids and are simply waiting for the son to bring it up so as to not embarrass or intimidate them prematurely. Moreover, several close family members know and words have a way of getting around. Are you sure they haven't been tipped off already?

In extreme cases, someone could out you for you--like one of the relatives mentioned above. That way, you wouldn't have to actually broach the subject, but would come home to address the aftermath. This really is for those who simply cannot broach it--it just won't come out. That way, it comes out and you react instead of initiate. I personally think it's better to address yourself like an adult and a man, but I think in cases like yours, that's it more important that they know, no matter how you engineer it. It's time.

Good luck. Let us know what happens and how it goes!

 

[PSCGuy]

I'm certainly not an expert in "coming out", because I'm still at least more than a foot in the closet. But I find myself in a situation similar to yours, so I want to comment and offer my thoughts on the predicament.

To turn the subject to myself, cause that's what I do, I was playing Guitar Hero III with my roommate and "When You Were Young" came on. I commented that it's one of my favorite songs, and he asked me why. What I should have said was "Well, I'm gay and I really like the song because ..." And I almost did, but for some reason I could.

As much as I hate stereotypes, it is conditioned into many young men that they shouldn't show emotion. And that adds a lot to talking to someone about something so personal, especially if you don't talk about personal things with said person to begin with. You might be close as you can be with your parents, but just not talk about your love/sex life. Straight or gay, I think a lot of people just don't talk about those kinds of things with their parents. So expecting anything besides a brick wall to come up when you try to is a little silly, in my opinion.

If your comfortable with yourself, than that's all you can do. Look at your last line. Maybe you should just 'suck it up' and tell them. It will be a little awkward. I mean, does anyone except their son to come out and say "Mom, Dad, I'm hetero?" No. It's just assumed. So breaking that concept of assumptions is a little frightening, because the unknown is on the other side. It's more comforting to just keep the status quo.

At least, that's how I see things. Best of luck.

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

Hey guys:

Thanks for the great advice! I'll keep you posted on what happens over the next couple of days.

 

[-Lance-]

For the love of God, trash the letter.

Do not come out in a letter, or on the phone for that matter.

Face to face is the only way.

 

[ssean18]

hey mate..

im in the same position at the moment and completely understand.

most of my friends know.. well everyone who im close too and see regularly. pretty sure my brother knows too.

my parents dont and ive been trying to tell them for a while know but i just cant say it. ive never been one to open up to my parents emotionally so i guess that makes it harder. Everyone says you'll know when its right but ive had so many 'right moments' but just cant say it.

ive thought about writing a letter or even sending them a text message..

good luck with it all, im sure it'll all work out for you.

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

Hey guys.....

I FINALLY told Mom & Dad about an hour ago.

What a friggin relief! They were very cool about it and understanding. At first I felt weird...now I feel such a sense of relief. Oh my god...if you only knew how much better I feel. No need to lie the them about where I'm going, and who I'm going to see.

Anyway, will write more about it later.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and words of wisdom.

Much love to everyone.

 

[gameboy 11]

Glad you didn't use the letter. That'd be too lame. >_<

 

[BlueD]

congrats on outing to your parents

 

[Dejajb]

congratulations!! NOW, go get those hot boys!