I just don't know what to do

[NickWilliams1101]

I'm 21 years old, in college. I have been told consistently over the last few years that I am very attractive. I have body image issues and not a lot of self confidence, so I personally don't see it, but there do seem to be a decent number of people interested in me. I put a lot of effort into how I dress, my hygiene, that kind of thing.
I am just very confused about what I am doing wrong in terms of dating, or lack thereof rather. I have liked five guys over the course of the last two years, and NONE of them have worked out. One was a closet case, who I was 150% sure was gay, but was definitely not going to come out any time soon, even though he clearly liked me back and made subtle moves, he'd go into a sputtering rampage of "but I'm not gay" when I would reciprocate. Another I was friends with who was out, who flat out told me he just wasn't into me. Two of them were actual straight guys, who I obviously never hinted I liked but just tortured myself over. And then the final one, who was just recent, flirted with me constantly, implied things, seemed interested, and then I asked him out, and he said yes, but then because he was sick the date never happened, and then he basically told a mutual friend of ours he wasn't interested in me, I wasn't his type, and he's "in love" with some other guy.
And the problem is I'm not just horny or looking for any guy to fuck, so I don't want to go to a gay bar or something and try to pick up someone/be picked up by someone. I just would like if, somehow, someday, in some world, someone was actually interested in me who I also liked. I just don't understand why that hasn't happened.
I don't know exactly what kind of answer I'm looking for and I'm sure this post just seems like I'm complaining or bitching about something stupid that doesn't really have a solution. For some reason posting on here though seems like it would make me feel better. If anyone does have any input, it would be appreciated.

 

[bruce379]

You're young. Don't force it. It'll come to you. By your own admission, you say you're attractive and I believe that you are. If you are studying engineering, medicine, architecture or physics then I won't be surprised you don't feel you have the time to date.

 

[blublud]

Nick, I agree 100% with Bruce. You are young. Don't be impatient. Often times, when we're talking about a real, true relationship, they hit out of the blue from where you least expect it. Just don't become a hermit. Get out there just to meet people in general. Have fun and he will find you.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, Nick, when you go out looking for a "relationship," you rarely find it, and if you do, it usually implodes. Why is that you might ask.

It's because you are looking for some idea in your head no guy will ever live up to.

A relationship is not fairy tales, it's something that happens between two people, not one person, an idea, and a guy he thinks is cute.

Relationship AFTER guy. Take the guys as you find them, don't waste your time on the straight (if he says he's straight he is, no matter the reality, as far as you are concerned,) closeted, or dramatic - and if you don't see a guy on the horizon, work on making you the best possible you and have fun in the meantime.

You find a guy by putting yourself in a position of meeting the largest amount of gay men possible. If you won't go where gay men go, what do you expect. I call this inhabiting a target rich environment.

There is nothing wrong with banging some cuties in the meantime. The two things are not mutually exclusive, in fact the more fun you are to be around the more likely one of those guys is to want to date you. No this does not mean becoming a big slut (my favorite kind of people) but it does mean that your expectations are probably building a wall in front of you.

You want guys to want to be around you, not feel like they are auditioning for the role of Jesus Christ.

If you are desperately seeking Prince Charming and happily ever after, that rolls off you like odor and most guys don't like it.

 

[KaraBulut]

As odd as it sounds, these guys are teaching you something. They're teaching you about what you want and how not to waste time with guys who don't want the same things that you do.

It's a little unrealistic, though to go in with the expectation that guys do want what you do or that they will be interested in you just because you are interested in them.

Dating is supposed to be the process where you figure out whether you're compatible. If you're driving to the first date in a UHaul ready to make a lifetime commitment, you will always find yourself disappointed. On the other hand, if you go in with, "I like this guy. Let's see if we're compatible and if he has the same values that I do... and in the meantime, let's have a good time and some hot sex...", then you'll probably find that you enjoy the dating experience much more.

And you'll end up disappointed a lot less.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't count this as 5 guys because 3 were unavailable. It doesn't matter that the remaining 2 weren't in to you. How many guys are you not into? Let your guard down a bit and just get busy with life and fun group activities, hopefully some of them in a gay environment and your feelings will change.

 

[maxpowr9]

As odd as it sounds, these guys are teaching you something. They're teaching you about what you want and how not to waste time with guys who don't want the same things that you do.

It's a little unrealistic, though to go in with the expectation that guys do want what you do or that they will be interested in you just because you are interested in them.

Dating is supposed to be the process where you figure out whether you're compatible. If you're driving to the first date in a UHaul ready to make a lifetime commitment, you will always find yourself disappointed. On the other hand, if you go in with, "I like this guy. Let's see if we're compatible and if he has the same values that I do... and in the meantime, let's have a good time and some hot sex...", then you'll probably find that you enjoy the dating experience much more.

And you'll end up disappointed a lot less.

Kara is spot on. There is no "perfect" guy that will tick every box on your wishlist. Some of those boxes may even change as you age as you change too. As long as enough boxes are checked off to make you happy, that is all that matters.

At least with rejection, it stings the first few times but it does get a bit easier after a while. I've learned to treat dating as "one less guy I have to deal with till I find that guy for me." Many people: male or female, gay or straight, will go on a number of dates till they find someone they want to get to know better and start a relationship.

The important thing I have learned and some other people have made countless topics on here is the cry: "I want a relationship SOO badly". I find that these people are in love with the concept of love and not actually able to love a person. They want that "fairy tale" but a relationship is not like that and requires a lot of work and many will walk away at the first sign of a struggle.

I wouldn't focus too much on finding a guy to be in a relationship with. Just go out and meet people and have fun. I would say most relationships happen when you are making other plans. Hell, two guys I dated found me drunk and took care of me in that state and still wanted to date me after not that I would condone excessive drinking to meet guys.

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

I have found coffee shops to be the greatest place to get to meet decent folk. Heck, even for people that don't drink coffee, it is a phenomenal place for the pseudo-intellectuals to congregate, drink overpriced energy drinks, or even herbal tea. The most difficult thing is to just get out there and introduce yourself; mutual attraction is invariable - much to the chagrin of some of my immature acquaintances that say that ugly people should be outlawed from procreating. School is great too, but scheduling conflicts come into play (i.e. classes, work, extra-curricular activities, familial responsibilities, et al). If you establish yourself as a regular (even if just for a drink or two), you'll find some folk that share your down time too (no pun intended).

Starting with university degrees and subsequent internships, I've moved exactly 8 times to different major cities. Depending on my mood, sometimes I would go to a gay bar (preferably a subdued smaller bar on a slower night for a drink or two or seventeen), but more often than not, I'd frequent the coffee shops in [my or] the "gay" neighborhood(s). Too hard to meet and get to know someone at a club, despite the yelling over the music and crowd, imho.

Please do NOT give up!

 

[DarkHelios]

Five guys isn't really all that many.
Even if you find a guy that you like and likes you back, there's no guarantee that it will work out long term.
Just keep putting yourself in situations where you can meet new people.

Also, even if someone starts out as a hookup, that doesn't disqualify them from being someone you might like.

 

[evanrick]

id say your doing everything right, you are attracting men.

you seem interested the first one, maybe try a different approach.

you would be amazed how many guys you think 'are not gay', usually the ones who you would least expect are, like the popular jock, the sexy nerd. the more 'straight acting' they you can bet they are gay.

 

[NickWilliams1101]

Thanks a lot guys, your comments actually made me feel better

 

[yhtang]

Thanks a lot guys, your comments actually made me feel better

Good to know you are feeling better about the whole thing.

Do remember, as much as you choose your potential, they too are at liberty to choose you - or not. Things may not have worked in your favour right now, but as they say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your prince. Do not be disheartened, it is just that your turn has not come up yet. Do not be discouraged, try, try and try again. May all go well with you.

 

[umjreon88]

I feel you... But don't give up, there are other ways to meet guys who deserve you.