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  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

I just got cheated on. I wanna out him.

I came on here to vent, not seek advice, but I ultimately took you guys advice and cooled down a bit. Most of you were right I'll go ahead and admit that now.

So I called him and asked him for his side of the story. He said he was driving back from chicago (to jackson, where we both live), and he asked the other guy if he could stay at his place for the night (in oxford, three hours away from home, because he didn't feel like driving)... and, in his words, "it all just happened so fast." Of course I didn't buy any of this... because I know for a fact that they were sexting, camming, all of it for months.. probably before I even had the misfortune of meeting him (he didn't know that I knew this). My friend girl also said that dude mentioned them having oral sex too... I also know that this was pre-meditated as well; think about it.. chicago's over 10 hours away from jackson.. why would he all of a sudden get fatigued enough to burden someone by staying at their home, using their shit... when he only has three hours to go. I'm not stupid; he planned to do this, and there's probably plenty of other guys he's been with. Frankly, JUB, I got played... so please, spare me the "honesty" crap. He's a liar and a ho.

But I still did the classy thing. I apologized for calling him an insecure little boy and belittling him for not coming out (I only came out two years ago anyway, so I'm not really in a place to judge him for that). He asked, when school starts back up, if we could start over as friends and "see what happens", and I told him I don't want his friendship... just looking at him will bring up all the fucked up feelings that I'm still trying to get over now. Unfortunately, the people who live in his dorm suite are friends of mine too, and I'll undoubtedly see him around a lot next semester, but whatevs.. that's the way she goes eh?

I told him his secrets safe with me, and that he should never do what he did to me to anybody else again, even though he will. I'm just glad I didn't catch anything from him, and that I found out about his bs before I became his roommate.

As far as lessons learned - never dating a closeted boy ever again, and never letting people use bullshit technicalities to get what they want, even if it means having a blood-mixing ceremony, followed by a contract (which is what it sounds like some of you guys are all for) to PROVE we care about each other enough to not fuck around. I maintain that it was a relationship. He did every single thing that a boyfriend does, except be faithful.
 
Actually, a simple conversation to know whether you're both on the same page will suffice. And having that is not a technicality in the modern world where so many people want to not attach strings to things.

Anyway, lesson learned. And for all his bullshit, the guy probably does like you if he wanted to live with you...
 
Of COURSE he likes Mrbeebs...

The scumbag just thought he could get away with cheating and NOT get caught...

I AGREE that Mrbeebs is JUSTIFIED in his anger -- I just think its better to NOT allow your anger to control your actions...

The fact that they are INEVITABLY going to be running into each other next semester makes an awful situation even worse...
 
Kien said:
It's good that you calmed down. If you're still taking advice, I think it'd be best to at least TRY to start over with him. You said that you guys have some mutual friends in your dorm and that you'll be seeing a lot of him anyways when the semester starts up again, so you might as well give it a try. If you just continue to be bitter towards him, it'll just make it awkward for the both of you and your friends. Your college life should be a good experience, not one with grudges and making continuous efforts to avoid someone.
Click to expand...

He's not out of the closet, so his friends won't be awkward if I just ignore him. I really want to be able to be cordial with him, though.. but just seeing him pretending to be straight around his bros will probably be enough to make me punch him in his fucking throat. I'd love to give him a fake smile and a "wassup" every now and then, just to show him I'm over it... but I'm not, so why bother?

but you're right in that, ultimately, I should just be able to be around him without feeling used and inferior. Might take a while.
 
I do think someone should tell that girl tho, I feel sad for woman who fall for a closet case. I don't think you should tell her but maybe someone you know. I don't think you should out him but warn the girl.
 
hi mrbeebs,

Thanks for your various replies and good to read you are cooled down abit.

I would not bother too much about him being in the closet. That's his problem, and it also means he always needs to hide his real identity. I mean, any moment his straight friends might get an idea that his contacts with you were too close (or whatever). Being in the closet and having sex with guys is almost always giving alot of stress and fear. He has those problems, not you.

In contrast, you are out meaning that all the other guys at the dorm (and including his friends) are aware that you are gay. You don't need to hide that you like guys, and you don't need to hide to others when you invite another guy into your room. Same like straight guys don't hide that they are dating girls, that they are sleeping with girls (etc.).

Likely, he must feel horrible, because he must live with the Big Secret. Well, and when ever it becomes clear that something has happened between you and him, please be aware that you don't have anything to hide.

So take your time, go on with your life, and make clear to others that being gay is not a big issue. Good luck and take care.
 
Blood mixing ceremony with a contract? What? I've never heard of such a thing and that's absolutely creepy and not safe. Is that something you did or something you think we as this community do with our partners?

Anyway, I'm glad you cooled off and realized your idea for revenge was a terrible idea. Both of you are young and passionately make mistakes in life. You learn from these experiences and grow a little wiser. It was fun at the time, and in that present moment, you were happy.

You'll find a much better guy.
 
He who plans revenge should first dig two graves.

Outing him is not a good idea. He might retaliate in an unpleasant way.

(If he slept with you every night how could others in the hall/dorm not know?)
 
Kulindahr said:
There's no "projecting here", BTW, there's just lessons from graduate level counseling courses and some experience. The fundamental rule of mental health and relationships is self-ownership. You fail to own yourself, you try to own him.

You're still playing the same game.

YOU screwed up the relationship. Own it, and stop blaming him.
Click to expand...

THIS!

To the OP...owning your shit is like being given a pass into the secret garden of life...a much better version of life as you know it. You will have a mental freedom that is not possible without owning your shit. I had someone wake me up when I was 21 and to that man (RIP) I will be forever grateful. He saved me.
 
hi mrbeebs,

I hope you will soon find a nice boyfriend, so you can forget all about the past. That guy is closeted and he is realizing himself this every day, and day after day. You are free to do what you want with any guy, and you can approach any guy at any place and moment of the day. That's the advantage of being open.

In contrast, he must live in fear (and day after day), and he cannot behave like you. Don't you think that this should be enough?

Good luck & take care.
 
I am glad the OP is now more calm. When someone gets hurt when a relationship doesn't work out sometimes people have irrational thoughts or thoughts of anger I think that's normal. Maybe the OP has learned a lesson about dating closeted guys? One of the things about dating closeted men is sometimes they aren't true to themselves.
 
To the OP:I believe your delusion when you say it was a "relationship," because you decided to go with a manipulative, possibly bisexual/confused, sexual player/predator! And being the "cocksman" playing the field, I bet you dollars to deutschmarks, he said just about anything to keep your formerly virgin-ass around, including (while in the heat of the moment) saying he'd never "do that" to you. Well, Caveat copulare! Do the right thing, cut all contact with him, if possible...and get yourself tested. What were you thinking, getting screwed without a rubber?! Don't be so guillible, stay away from "closeted" guys and always play safe.
 
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