I just need an opinion

[dragon08]

Ok so there's this guy I really like. But I don't know whether he's gay. Let me start from the beginning.

We're both college students and we live in the same dorm. I meet him last year but just had mutual friends, so we didn't talk much. This year I've made it a point to talk to him and stuff. He's kinda a shy guy until he warms up to you.

If he is gay, he is probably kinda closeted. I've been in group conversations with him if someone asks him if he thinks a woman or girl is attractive he will avoid the question. He knows that I'm gay for sure.

I've eaten with him a few times and I've gotten coffee with him but they were all spur of the moment things so I don't really consider them dates. Every time he sees me her makes it a point to talk to me even I don't see him. He's asked me to go eat with him a few times but like i said they were spur of the moment things.

Also one time after we finished eating he asked me to text him so we could hang out later on. Later on I was doing group work with some classmates so i was too busy to hang out. He was with his roommate and saw us. About thirty minutes later he comes in and sits next to me and pulls out his own homework. He was the even after all my classmates left and i think he finished his homework. He stayed till about 1am but then he had to go to bed.

we've also hung out in each others rooms by ourselves just talking.

Oh and another thing is the fact that he didn't mind me touching him. I've done small stuff like grab his shoulder or arm occasionally. he lets me play with his hair. I've even touched his upper thigh to demonstrate something and he didn't even blink.

What do you guys think? Is he gay from what you can tell?

I've made the mistake of thinking guys were gay when they weren't before.

 

[aaggii]

Invite him for a cup of coffee or lunch/dinner and ¨joke¨ that it´s a date, see his reaction. If he knows you´re gay, drop a ¨if you were gay, I´d totally date you¨ line.

 

[medic1]

You describe him as having a rather shy personality , perhaps he is just grateful to be able to be one of the guys . Without feeling to much pressure .

 

[sixthson]

Invite him for a cup of coffee or lunch/dinner and ¨joke¨ that it´s a date, see his reaction. If he knows you´re gay, drop a ¨if you were gay, I´d totally date you¨ line.

This is a really good idea.

 

[Special K]

My advice to you would be not to assume that someone is gay, because you never truly know, unless they tell you so themselves. Also, even if someone appears gay in the stereotypical sense, you should not assume that they are out, and chances are that even if you ask a closeted person about their sexuality, they will still deny that they are gay, which is their right of course; everyone should be allowed to come out in their own time, they should not be forced out of the closet by others. I would approach this situation very carefully; if your friend is gay but is not yet comfortable with his sexuality, you should make him feel at ease around you by creating an accepting environment and by respecting his boundaries, that way he will be more inclined to come out to you and possibly engage in a relationship with you.

 

[dragon08]

Thanks i think I'll try the date thing.

And this isn't about me forcing him out of the closet. I'm trying to see if there's a possibility for a relationship. I think he just doesn't like everyone knowing his business.

And trust me i know not to judge on stereotypes. If you noticed i didn't list a single one. I am pretty far from the stereotypes myself so of all people i know that those aren't that accurate.

 

[Rolyo85]

I wouldn't recommend it. This is game playing, and I hate games. Don't create scenarios and devise situations. Just ask him. If he is shy enough that he hasn't said anything yet on his own, he will avoid your "jokes" in the same manner, but there is no way to avoid a direct question. If all you said is true, the guy clearly likes you. You just need to determine in what capacity he likes you and take it from there.

 

[dragon08]

Oh and about the one if the guys thing, that's what's kinda throwing me off. I know that he has other friends too that he can hang out with, but i can't tell if he's just being friendly with me or if this is his way of flirting.

 

[KaraBulut]

Or, you could just ask him.

 

[Rolyo85]

Nothing will ever be conclusive enough to alleviate your fears, until he says "yes, I am gay". So devising schemes and running circles around each other, and most of all - playing the guessing and interpreting game - is utterly pointless.

It's 2013. You don't have to skulk in the shadows anymore...

 

[Seasoned]

Ask him. You'll get a yes, no, a "I'm bi" or an evasion. After you get your answer you'll know whether or not to pursue something with him.

 

[dragon08]

I think I'm going to ask him to eat and then tell him the "if you were gay I'd totally date you" thing and go from there.
I'd ask him straight out but even if he is straight I value his friendship so I don't want him to feel really uncomfortable. And the former method seems more lighthearted than the latter suggestion.

 

[Ganoderma]

You don't have told us if both of you share the same cultural background. In some cultures, it is normal that straight guys play with each others' hair where as this is not normal at all for straight guys of another cultural background.

I agree with para0402 that you should avoid that he starts to feel uncomfortable when you want to cross some border of him (has to do with his private life). Maybe this guy feels himself just very comfortable and very relaxed while spending time with you, as you don't talk about girls and why he does not has a girlfriend (etc.).

So please be aware that there are (quite alot) of straight guys (esp. shy ones of around his age) who have no idea how to get a girlfriend (and who have no experience at all with girls / girlfriends). Quite a few of them might feel ashamed, and thus can feel themself comfortable when spending time with you (= a friendly and a relaxed gay fellow student).

On the other hand, he might as well be gay / bi / confused (or whatever), but not yet comfortable to tell you this. Again, para0402 gave a good advise ("I would think going around a more indirect route to determine if he's gay is better than asking him directly.").

Do you talk with him about private items of yourself (eg about boyfriends, dating guys, your coming out, etc.)? Start with talking with him about your own experiences can also be an easy way to inform -a bit- about his experiences / ideas.

Good luck, and great you have found such a nice friend.

Please keep us informed.

 

[dragon08]

Well as far as the culture thing goes that's a little hard to determine.

Oddly enough we are both half white and half hispanic.
Personally I was raised in a more hispanic environment. I know that hispanic culture is more touchy feely than white culture. I'm not entirely sure exactly where in the spectrum he falls though. He has a few younger brothers so i think maybe that might be a reason why he wouldn't mind.

But other hispanic guys I know aren't comfortable with friends like that until they are friends for a while if at all.

And I know that he knows that I'm gay. I wear a rainbow bracelet, plus I talk pretty freely about being gay.

I probably mentioned an ex once, I've mentioned little things involving being gay, and I've told a funny story in his company that involved my mother trying to find out if I was a top bottom or versatile but the conversations have all been lighthearted in nature.

And yeah I'll keep you guys informed.

 

[Rolyo85]

I think I'm going to ask him to eat and then tell him the "if you were gay I'd totally date you" thing and go from there.
I'd ask him straight out but even if he is straight I value his friendship so I don't want him to feel really uncomfortable. And the former method seems more lighthearted than the latter suggestion.

Another serious drawback of this plan is that while he may like you and he may even be gay, he might not want to actually date you yet. So if you say something like that, you risk pushing him away by going too fast with something that might mean a completely different thing for him. If a guy tells ME he wants to date me after only having hung out a few times, I'd instantly cut ties with him.

 

[Ganoderma]

Thanks alot for your friendly and nice reply. Good to know there is no doubt that he is aware that you are a gay guy (including the people around you and him). Keep things lighthearted with him. Great that you have such a nice friend.

Rolyo85 is totally right. You have two questions: (1) is he gay; (2) would he like to date with you.

I fully agree with Rolyo85 that you first must concentrate on the getting an answer on the first question (given that he is even willing to give you an answer).

Besides that, don't put too much 'value' on the word 'dating'. Why not just continue with doing things together with each other, similar like the things you were doing already with him (eating together, spending time on each others room and talking with each other, doing homework together, etc.). Would it be different with the knowledge that he is a gay guy? I tend to think that this is not the case: both of you are good / very good friends of each other with a lot of shared ideas / interests (etc.).

Good luck and keep us informed.

 

[dragon08]

Well if i knew he was gay i would flat out ask him on a date or something but yeah for the most part hanging it would be the same i just would want to coax it out of him sooner rather than later.

I don't want to let my feelings just keep growing only to have them stomped out later by the fact that he's straight.

Maybe if I get my flirt on a bit more, and be less discrete. So far other than the little things to test his boundaries I haven't been overly obvious that I like him.

 

[hylas]

id just ask him out on a date, and actually use the word "date". his answer will tell you if hes interested in you or not, and thats what all this ultimately is about, right?

 

[sixthson]

Well if i knew he was gay i would flat out ask him on a date or something but yeah for the most part hanging it would be the same i just would want to coax it out of him sooner rather than later.

I don't want to let my feelings just keep growing only to have them stomped out later by the fact that he's straight.

Maybe if I get my flirt on a bit more, and be less discrete. So far other than the little things to test his boundaries I haven't been overly obvious that I like him.

From the info you have provided, it appears that the direct approach is going to be necessary. He already knows you are gay and is apparently ok with it since he is still your friend. The worst that can happen is you find out he is straight, but happy to be your friend.

 

[ruivinho]

Oh and another thing is the fact that he didn't mind me touching him. I've done small stuff like grab his shoulder or arm occasionally. he lets me play with his hair. I've even touched his upper thigh to demonstrate something and he didn't even blink.

Hm, if I were him, and if I were into you I would've blinked, and I wouldn't be so natural reacting to the touching...
Especially if he is shy, it might just be that he found a friend in you that he trusts, and that's why he keeps reaching to you.

But as everyone said:

"Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to"

(not sure how to put an youtube video here but the song is ASK from The Smiths that should be enough to make my point )