thisisinteresting
balance
A moment of clarity got me second-guessing my relationship. We don't have anything in common. We're very attracted to each other, in love, and enjoy each other's company but I feel like past that... I... I don't know. On one hand, there's cool stuff I've been exposed to due to the naught-so-obvious common interests: opera, jazz clubs, classic movies, art museums, classical music... On the other hand it's... work.
I've been reading these zodiac compatibility (don't judge me!) things and they're weirding me out. Like I literally get shivers and goosebumps 'cause it's so freakishly accurate. One starts out with, "This couple shares a love of music and art, but hasn't much else in common." Is it mere coincidence everything I listed earlier was art or music? We don't even like the same kind of music though. I have learned to appreciate opera, classical, and jazz, but they're not what I go out of my way to listen to.
Every one I read says compromise is key to making this work. This is probably assuming there isn't a 29 year age gap. Cool, more compromise. He's a taurus and I'm a libra by the way if you're into that hippie mumbo jumbo.
He really is taurus-characteristic: complete rooted in his ways, predictable, logical, formulaic. I, meanwhile, can't make decisions, have my head in the clouds, love surprises, don't plan ahead, am emotional.... I'm fluid and changing all the time to the point of being wishy-washy. He wants stability, and I get bored knowing we're gonna do the same thing we did last night.
I love to share, converse, philosophize, socialize, show affection in public, and to be spontaneous. We don't have much to talk about ideals-wise: he's a older conservative man from the south/southwest, I'm a young liberal time bomb of emotion from seattle. This is okay though, I prefer someone who can be comfortable not having to fill the silence with conversation.
I'm a very curious person and he's a very hermit shell-type person. I dated him for probably 2 years before I met any friends of his. He didn't show me old pictures until well after a year if not more. He still won't tell me anything about his past relationships whether romantic or sexual. Well actually I know a few random things about his last guy.
I learn a ton from him, he's a seasoned mechanical engineer who's traveled to more countries than I have cities. This part is really cool. He almost always knows more about a given subject so I can always ask him about random stuff or random word definitions and he usually knows. He makes great money and can afford to take me places, buy me what I need, financially support me, lend me money... I worry that this security is an influencing trait and it really shouldn't be. Would I be as happy if he couldn't afford to help me out? I hate the idea that I'm using him as a sugar daddy. I just don't know anymore. I know that I love him and he's a great person and a great steady romantic partner, but... is that what I want? Do I want to be with someone who doesn't level with me intellectually?
I almost feel inferior in the relationship. Okay, so he pays for everything especially when I'm unemployed... This is logic - he is in a high-paying profession while I am most the time unemployed or if I'm lucky working for minimum wage. Everything revolves around him, though. We only hang out at his place. I mean yeah there's more to do at his place, so I understand why we'd spend most the time there. He has a nicer place, a better kitchen/stuff in it, whatever. I used to try to see if he wanted to hang out at my place and he's just like "yeah but what would we do?" ...man, what do we do at your house? Watch TV, play video games? I have the internet, we can watch TV over here. I know he appreciates me a LOT, but like... I feel... useless. I don't contribute anything to the relationship. I just leech money from him while hardly looking for a job, racking up my debt with him.
So the sex was a combination of stale and infrequent, so I opened the relationship and I know it's killing him. I have a friend I've had a crush on for a long time and he's always been jealous. I now have sex with this guy. The sex is phenomenal. I'm sure if there was 1 person he'd rather me NOT be doing, it'd be him. It's... ugh, I hate saying this but it's better than with the bf. He's so unadventurous. It started cool, I was learning all sorts of things that turn me on & how to improve my love life. Now I understand that people don't really change, he's had 50 years to be who he is, why would he change now?
I had been trying for a long time to get him to be more dominant - I sometimes see a side of him come out that is dominant in bed but I think he then gets embarrassed or self-conscious. I want him to bite me, and hard enough to really feel it. I want it to hurt! He is "afraid he'll hurt me." He also won't scratch my back any harder than a feather dropping on it because he doesn't want to hurt me. I have explained I have insensitive skin (when I scratch my back I leave red marks everywhere - it doesn't hurt) and it doesn't hurt me. He still won't. He says it feels weird, so okay, whatever. As long as the reason isn't not wanting to hurt me... but what part of bite me really hard during sex does NOT demonstrate that I get off on the pain? He then says it's "not his style." So irritating. Topping is "not my style" and I still have a great time doing that with him because it brings him pleasure and thus, brings me pleasure. I have talked to him about this and I can see an effort but the change is so minimal. I want to stick with it but I'm worried he'll just retract back into his comfort zone.
He doesn't want the open relationship to be long lasting or permanent, and I don't know that I can go back after having a taste of someone so compatible with me. I'm worried this alone is going to lead my relationship to it's downfall. This is the worst because he would literally be perfect for me if I had already had time to mess around, figure out what I like, go get the partying out of my system, and if I was a bit older and focusing on my goals in life.
I love him so much and I just don't want to drag him through the dirt if that's really the way I'm headed. I don't know what I'm doing or planning to do. I do know that I've been disillusioning myself for 3 years into just being this docile cat, compromising and molding myself to make sure I fit his standards. The differences in the relationship are beautiful and create some beautiful things. We have to be creative to stay entertained, and it's cool. We used to play a ton of scrabble but his 29 years on me means his vocabulary whoops on mine. I get frustrated. We picked up chess, which is pretty fun. However, I'm not as patient as I thought. It's like street fighter but... fucking slow as fuck. I want to play speed chess and not think about it - he wants to sit and contemplate and play it smart.
All in all it's really not that bad but my recent epiphany that we have very little in common is hard for me to deal with. We don't have the same ideals, we don't have the same goals, we don't have the same opinions on anything, we just don't click intellectually. I learn a lot from him but sometimes I just want someone who thinks the way I do. I want someone who sees that it's raining (knowing I fucking love the rain) and spontaneously decides that we're going to the beach to make out because no one will be there and it'll be fun. Instead, he takes all his receipts and spends his time entering his weekly data in spreadsheets and making sure nobody's gypped him of precious cents, or stealing his identity. Then it's time to shred every single document in the world that has your name on it. Yes, everyone is after you and your identity. They sift through your garbage to find precious t-mobile bills.
I most of all want someone confident in their own skin. After 3 years I can finally hold his hand in public (if we're in the gay district of seattle) or kiss him when we're departing. I can still feel the awkward tension when I do it though so sometimes I just don't bother. I understand the anxiety as I have a ton of it but I'm making huge strides toward defeating mine while he just sits at home and lets it grow. Yes, hate crimes happen. Yes, you're technically putting yourself at risk by displaying that you are a homo. On the other hand, paranoid fear-based thoughts are the kind of energy that ATTRACT those kinds of people.
I don't know if I should try to hope for change or if I should stop wasting his time and love. I know he's embarrassed of his age difference but it's just sad that I have ONE FRIEND who has ever met him. We've been together for like 3 fucking years. Again, maybe this has to do with the common interests - the things my friends and I do aren't really of interest for him. I know part of this is communication issues. We are both personality types that do not like decision-making (this sure is a fun clash, we can't even decide what to eat for dinner. ever.), nor do we like confrontation, communicating issues, or facing problems head on. We want to ignore them and hope things will work out. Two people like this with issues between them? Destined for unnecessary conflict. So I don't mean to say any of this like it's all him... Hell, tbh it's all me. I'm young and still figuring things out. I feel so fucking bad like I've just been wasting his time or using him.
I feel like a lot of the issues I/we have stem from his lack of confidence/self-esteem. I think this open relationship thing could work for him as well if he were a confident person. He would no longer be jealous/worried. Not to pin it all on him.
I don't know where this stream of consciousness is headed but I'm too tired to continue. He'll be back from his business trip in a week and I don't think I can pretend nothing is wrong. Not sure how to even approach this. *deep breath* Am I ready for the difficulty and compromise required in this relationship?
I've been reading these zodiac compatibility (don't judge me!) things and they're weirding me out. Like I literally get shivers and goosebumps 'cause it's so freakishly accurate. One starts out with, "This couple shares a love of music and art, but hasn't much else in common." Is it mere coincidence everything I listed earlier was art or music? We don't even like the same kind of music though. I have learned to appreciate opera, classical, and jazz, but they're not what I go out of my way to listen to.
Every one I read says compromise is key to making this work. This is probably assuming there isn't a 29 year age gap. Cool, more compromise. He's a taurus and I'm a libra by the way if you're into that hippie mumbo jumbo.
He really is taurus-characteristic: complete rooted in his ways, predictable, logical, formulaic. I, meanwhile, can't make decisions, have my head in the clouds, love surprises, don't plan ahead, am emotional.... I'm fluid and changing all the time to the point of being wishy-washy. He wants stability, and I get bored knowing we're gonna do the same thing we did last night.
I love to share, converse, philosophize, socialize, show affection in public, and to be spontaneous. We don't have much to talk about ideals-wise: he's a older conservative man from the south/southwest, I'm a young liberal time bomb of emotion from seattle. This is okay though, I prefer someone who can be comfortable not having to fill the silence with conversation.
I'm a very curious person and he's a very hermit shell-type person. I dated him for probably 2 years before I met any friends of his. He didn't show me old pictures until well after a year if not more. He still won't tell me anything about his past relationships whether romantic or sexual. Well actually I know a few random things about his last guy.
I learn a ton from him, he's a seasoned mechanical engineer who's traveled to more countries than I have cities. This part is really cool. He almost always knows more about a given subject so I can always ask him about random stuff or random word definitions and he usually knows. He makes great money and can afford to take me places, buy me what I need, financially support me, lend me money... I worry that this security is an influencing trait and it really shouldn't be. Would I be as happy if he couldn't afford to help me out? I hate the idea that I'm using him as a sugar daddy. I just don't know anymore. I know that I love him and he's a great person and a great steady romantic partner, but... is that what I want? Do I want to be with someone who doesn't level with me intellectually?
I almost feel inferior in the relationship. Okay, so he pays for everything especially when I'm unemployed... This is logic - he is in a high-paying profession while I am most the time unemployed or if I'm lucky working for minimum wage. Everything revolves around him, though. We only hang out at his place. I mean yeah there's more to do at his place, so I understand why we'd spend most the time there. He has a nicer place, a better kitchen/stuff in it, whatever. I used to try to see if he wanted to hang out at my place and he's just like "yeah but what would we do?" ...man, what do we do at your house? Watch TV, play video games? I have the internet, we can watch TV over here. I know he appreciates me a LOT, but like... I feel... useless. I don't contribute anything to the relationship. I just leech money from him while hardly looking for a job, racking up my debt with him.
So the sex was a combination of stale and infrequent, so I opened the relationship and I know it's killing him. I have a friend I've had a crush on for a long time and he's always been jealous. I now have sex with this guy. The sex is phenomenal. I'm sure if there was 1 person he'd rather me NOT be doing, it'd be him. It's... ugh, I hate saying this but it's better than with the bf. He's so unadventurous. It started cool, I was learning all sorts of things that turn me on & how to improve my love life. Now I understand that people don't really change, he's had 50 years to be who he is, why would he change now?
I had been trying for a long time to get him to be more dominant - I sometimes see a side of him come out that is dominant in bed but I think he then gets embarrassed or self-conscious. I want him to bite me, and hard enough to really feel it. I want it to hurt! He is "afraid he'll hurt me." He also won't scratch my back any harder than a feather dropping on it because he doesn't want to hurt me. I have explained I have insensitive skin (when I scratch my back I leave red marks everywhere - it doesn't hurt) and it doesn't hurt me. He still won't. He says it feels weird, so okay, whatever. As long as the reason isn't not wanting to hurt me... but what part of bite me really hard during sex does NOT demonstrate that I get off on the pain? He then says it's "not his style." So irritating. Topping is "not my style" and I still have a great time doing that with him because it brings him pleasure and thus, brings me pleasure. I have talked to him about this and I can see an effort but the change is so minimal. I want to stick with it but I'm worried he'll just retract back into his comfort zone.
He doesn't want the open relationship to be long lasting or permanent, and I don't know that I can go back after having a taste of someone so compatible with me. I'm worried this alone is going to lead my relationship to it's downfall. This is the worst because he would literally be perfect for me if I had already had time to mess around, figure out what I like, go get the partying out of my system, and if I was a bit older and focusing on my goals in life.
I love him so much and I just don't want to drag him through the dirt if that's really the way I'm headed. I don't know what I'm doing or planning to do. I do know that I've been disillusioning myself for 3 years into just being this docile cat, compromising and molding myself to make sure I fit his standards. The differences in the relationship are beautiful and create some beautiful things. We have to be creative to stay entertained, and it's cool. We used to play a ton of scrabble but his 29 years on me means his vocabulary whoops on mine. I get frustrated. We picked up chess, which is pretty fun. However, I'm not as patient as I thought. It's like street fighter but... fucking slow as fuck. I want to play speed chess and not think about it - he wants to sit and contemplate and play it smart.
All in all it's really not that bad but my recent epiphany that we have very little in common is hard for me to deal with. We don't have the same ideals, we don't have the same goals, we don't have the same opinions on anything, we just don't click intellectually. I learn a lot from him but sometimes I just want someone who thinks the way I do. I want someone who sees that it's raining (knowing I fucking love the rain) and spontaneously decides that we're going to the beach to make out because no one will be there and it'll be fun. Instead, he takes all his receipts and spends his time entering his weekly data in spreadsheets and making sure nobody's gypped him of precious cents, or stealing his identity. Then it's time to shred every single document in the world that has your name on it. Yes, everyone is after you and your identity. They sift through your garbage to find precious t-mobile bills.
I most of all want someone confident in their own skin. After 3 years I can finally hold his hand in public (if we're in the gay district of seattle) or kiss him when we're departing. I can still feel the awkward tension when I do it though so sometimes I just don't bother. I understand the anxiety as I have a ton of it but I'm making huge strides toward defeating mine while he just sits at home and lets it grow. Yes, hate crimes happen. Yes, you're technically putting yourself at risk by displaying that you are a homo. On the other hand, paranoid fear-based thoughts are the kind of energy that ATTRACT those kinds of people.
I don't know if I should try to hope for change or if I should stop wasting his time and love. I know he's embarrassed of his age difference but it's just sad that I have ONE FRIEND who has ever met him. We've been together for like 3 fucking years. Again, maybe this has to do with the common interests - the things my friends and I do aren't really of interest for him. I know part of this is communication issues. We are both personality types that do not like decision-making (this sure is a fun clash, we can't even decide what to eat for dinner. ever.), nor do we like confrontation, communicating issues, or facing problems head on. We want to ignore them and hope things will work out. Two people like this with issues between them? Destined for unnecessary conflict. So I don't mean to say any of this like it's all him... Hell, tbh it's all me. I'm young and still figuring things out. I feel so fucking bad like I've just been wasting his time or using him.
I feel like a lot of the issues I/we have stem from his lack of confidence/self-esteem. I think this open relationship thing could work for him as well if he were a confident person. He would no longer be jealous/worried. Not to pin it all on him.
I don't know where this stream of consciousness is headed but I'm too tired to continue. He'll be back from his business trip in a week and I don't think I can pretend nothing is wrong. Not sure how to even approach this. *deep breath* Am I ready for the difficulty and compromise required in this relationship?
) and just the IDEA of cheating on him coming into my head lead to me having a talk with him where I presented an ultimatum. We either break up or open the relationship because he deserves more respect than that. We broke up for about 4 days before he couldn't really take it anymore and we hung out again, and talked, and decided to try the open relationship.
