I kissed a boy

[cornholio]

.. and damn, it was great! and I couldn't be happier about with whom it happend, also!

He's a good friend, a straight one, at least that's what he though up until yesterday. but we as his friends kind of always assumed he was at least bi, because of his "gay acting". Anyways, there was a lot of magic happening the last few times we met and looked each other in the eyes, and yesterday I apologized for the last times, because I knew I had always come on to him a little. Subtle, but there. And that'S not fair, because as a straight guy, or better as a friend, how do you stay polite etc?
To my suprise he said he found me very attractive aswell, agreed on the obvious magic between us, and so we searched for a rather dark space in the garden where the party was at and made out. Including a little grabbing. It was great!
The rest of the night he spent with this girl he had started flirting with before :shrugs: I didn't really mind, because if that's what he's got to do, so be it.

Back to sober reality, we texted, and made sure we were still close and all, since he doubts he will repeat anything like this. He's confused and doesn't want me to just be some homosexual experiment. And I respect that. I also knew what I was about to get myself into. I enjoyed it while it lasted, but will continue to "just" be a good friend to him from now on. As long as he doesn't explicitly let me know, that he wants a follow up. I could actually imagine spending a LOT of years together with him, so I'm willing to take risks, aswell as I'm confident that I would be able to maintain our friendship. We both laid back, have a lot love to offer, are both a little troubled. We'll make sure to be there for each other no matter what. (although imagining him with someone else does not feel good, I just realized.. but I'll deal with it)

anyways,
my first gay kiss! c'est tres bien!!

 

[looseliam]

It's sounds like you've a good head on your shoulders.

Don't get your hopes up and let him lead the way.

 

[boiseboy]

Glad he didn't drop you, glad he isn't using you, and glad you understand. The worst is when a guy uses you as experience when you want something more.

 

[KaraBulut]

OK. You jumped the first hurdle. Now back to the race... with a gay guy the next time.

 

[Toddxxx]

Spend more time with him alone. Get to know him and his wants better. Then decide how far to go with him. Good luck. Sounds good to me!

 

[cornholio]

Thanks folks for your responses! Still very excited about this first

Meanwhile I had some time to sort this out, because it did leave me a little hurt aswell.

I think I know where I'm standing. I know he's always been a phantasy, something I drew in my head, the guy I imagined myself making out with for a couple of years now. Nothing more nothing less, and I had that, and I'm grateful.

But recently I realized what a kind human he is and how well we get along. So I guess I'd really like the idea of being with him. That night, him being so close within my reach, must have blown me away (+ the amounts of alcohol..)

After that night the whole updated phantasy seemed so tangible.

And while I believe him saying he's attracted to me (I really do believe he's capable of seeing no gender when it comes to souls, and I could imagine he's actually attracted to both sexes physically) I realized it's probably just not the time for anything to happen. He doesn't seem comfortable about that at all right now (I blame his upbringing. wild guess). He did text me he was confused about his sexuality now.

I'm rather certain now that he could not do that transition to being gay with me right now, I agree with those of you who implied that. As you have pointed out aswell, I should look for OUT GAY guys, what kind of person would I be if I tried to trick someone into something he doesn't feel too well about, by, say, persuading or idk. And what would I get in return? halfhearted affection? Someone with one foot out the door, all the time? And all that at the cost of being friends?

What might aswell be true is that his love for me is HUGE, and the transion would be possibly quick. And then I'm not sure if my love for him would match up right now. I'm not yet sure what I want, with what kind of person I see myself being partnered. I have had one relationship, it lasted 1 month, was with a girl I was not attracted to and happened 7 years ago. So if he likes the idea so fucking much, I don't believe it would be fair to be together either. Probably.

He doesn't want me to be his homosexual experiment (his words), and I should not want him to be mine either.

I'll meet him tomorrow, and if I'm lucky, we will agree on believing that we really can work this out, as an item. Maybe he's not 100% convinced that it's a good idea, aswell as me, but are both excited to try and both confide in each other. And that could very well be a rough start to something amazing.

The odds are it's not the case. I'm prepared for that.

Then I will concentrate on being a good friend. Maybe he is deep in denial, but opens himself up towards me, then I'll try to convince him that the gras IS greener on the other side. Step by step and not for my personal gain.

Maybe he has totally different worries, I'll listen.

Maybe he has no worries at all and it was all fun for him. Then I will tell him he messed with my heart, because there simply was no need to tell me I was attractive to him when I was honestly apologizing for exactly thinking this way about him, for my strange behavior towards a friend. He should know I also had a difficult time opening up about my emotions. and then I'd like to hear an apology.

I will get answers to some of my questions, concerning us, anyways

This could get real ugly. Keep a close eye on your mental health, and I would recommend that the next guy you kiss be fully gay and totally into you.

That's just my opinion. You live your life, you know what's best for yourself. Just be careful, man.

It's sounds like you've a good head on your shoulders.

Don't get your hopes up and let him lead the way.

OK. You jumped the first hurdle. Now back to the race... with a gay guy the next time.

thanks again guys, that's a lession I thought I already learned.. I didn't

Glad he didn't drop you, glad he isn't using you, and glad you understand. The worst is when a guy uses you as experience when you want something more.

I get it. But yepp, I needed some time to see this possibility, after all it also just is a possibility. Still I got a making out session out of it, so I won't be mad for too long lol

Spend more time with him alone. Get to know him and his wants better. Then decide how far to go with him. Good luck. Sounds good to me!

right, let's see how it turns out.

(who said everything would be easier after coming out? ha!)

 

[cornholio]

all right in short:

we'll remain buddies. He doesn't want it to happen again in the near future. But it wasn't just some fun thing for him neither, but special aswell, not happening with some random person. We both agreed at the end, that meeting had been a good thing, but that it hadn't really helped stop the confusion. But it did help realize, that we'll be fine either way. Somehow.

 

[cornholio]

I thought I'd make an update, to have some sort of completion of the story.

After a lot of careful consideration on both ends, emotional back and forth and a bunch of excessive drinking, we ended up having sex last weekend. Since then it happened two more times aswell. Also we call each other every day.



We'll see how things will develope. I think it's a beautiful thing we had up until now, and meeting him tomorrow I'm quite sure there's also more to come. It does make me happy, in all honesty! On the other hand it's still all so vague, there's much to lose.

He now has to deal with this new idea that he indeed is gay, or at least bi. Although it doesn't seem to bother him too much.

For me, it's my first experience of that sort aswell, never had sex before, never been in a relationship. I'm pretty afraid of everything still. Intimacy to any person on that level + I really don't know what exactly I want in a relationship. Whether we can fulfill each other's interests and needs.

But then again, I guess that's the case with a lot of people. And we all get through these thoughts and mixed feelings.

We'll see, although I doubt I will update in here in the near future, because from now on it's between me and him. I guess.

I hope I'll soon know what I want, what he wants, and if we'll have a future.

 

[justright25]

Congratulations on finding someone you feel that way about. I have a feeling that it will work out in between the two of you but remember to share more of your feelings and less of your bodily fluids. Those can wait but if the two of you feel right for each other, be happy and care less about what others think.

 

[Corny]

good for you and enjoy what you have hope it lasts.

and if you want to say hello some time during the gay games

 

[cornholio]

thnaks.

Just to react to your advise, yepp, today we talked on the phone for three hours. We definitely want and need to share our feelings. It's true, that has to be the main focus, because only if we feel we'll get along really well, that we feel that we belong to each other, it will be worth all the struggeling. I have to add "I guess" again..

 

[cornholio]

@corny:

oh yeah the gay games! I think I'll make sure to come.
But first of all I think I'll take him to the CSD, it'll be another first for me aswell

 

[Corny]

haha today is a street fair at the bermuda triangle I heard. Not sure if I will make it to the CSD, rheinkultur is at the same day
But I plan to visit one day at the gay games