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I know, it's another one of 'those'

190E

190E

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I know you're all probably getting pretty sick of me but I really just have to type this out, and get it out of my system, if you dont mind.

Heh, I don't know what to say, where to start, where to go, or how to end, so I'm just going to start typing till everything I feel is on paper, or screen, minor technicality. I feel hurt, sad, depressed, betrayed, changed, hardened, but worst of all, lost. I don't know where to go, who to turn to, where I should pull my inspiration from, who I have to lean on, what is going to happen to me, or why it is that I still feel like shit. I've put up with stupid shit from one person for a year and a half, it's left me an empty shell of the original Sean. I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to battle, I don't want any of the grief that comes along with what the person brings. I want to gain my power, my respect, my ambition, my sense of worth fullness, my friends, and most importantly my life. My relationship with one person has caused so much turmoil in my life that I have betrayed some of the best people in the world, I have neglected them and I have caused them all to run. So, where do I look for new friends? To money, which is the wrong answer, I should not have compromised my values, I should not have given into the pressure of resorting to that, and I should have just tried to glue together the shattered remains. I feel sad and depressed because I knew what was happening, and I let it continue, I didn't even try to stop it because I was blinded by something bigger than myself, I know, no excuse and I should have been able to control it, but now the hope and longing is gone, and I need to try to salvage what I can from the burning smolder that is my friendship.

I feel betrayal because one of the people who I hold dearest, the strongest people I know, cracked under the pressure of peers, fell under the weight of words. I don't think I've ever felt as hurt by someone who I've considered a friend. What has this done to me? It's hardened me, it's changed the way that I see people, it's changed the friendship dynamic completely. It's not that everyone is out for the good of society, no they're out for their own pleasure and to make themselves better, even at the sacrifice of someone else's feelings, and well being. It's made me become more hardened, because I feel as if I now have to protect myself instead of looking out for this person, and that no matter what I say or they say, it's not ever going to be the same.

At the same time as all of this, I feel lost, not having any sense of direction, I cannot simply live for an organization, I cannot simply live for the sake of living, what do I have to look forward to, what do I have to stand for? The only thing I wake up in the morning to do is go to class, the gym, and eat, that isn't a life for a KID, I stress again, a KID who was once vibrant, outgoing, and maybe nice (I stress maybe.). What do I have to do to get back on the path, grab the hors by the reins, and take control of my life again? Why am I stressing about something a year and a half long, which has been over for months? When am I going to feel like myself? Who can cause such turmoil to another human life? How do I just going to get back to ME?

Opinions welcome, if you want.
 
Hey sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now, but just remember everyone goes through times where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember there are always people to talk to, i don't know where all your problems came from but if you ever need someone to listen i know i would.. hope you fell better.
 
Dude, my best friend has betrayed me, lied to me, manipulated me, treated me worse than I've ever let anyone else treat me and blamed me for all of it. The key is to move on. I think about it everyday. I see him, or someone directly affiliated to him, everyday. His boyfriend lives two blocks from my house, dammit. But the fact is, that I've discovered new friends, people who make me feel good about myself, and that respect me, and I reciprocate. I know that he still cares, but the damage is done. The dynamic is forever changed, and only when he decides that he feels he's lost something worth fighting for, will I actively attempt to think about it. Yes, I think about him, and try to understand why, and how, and so on and so forth. Yes I've cried about it. But now, I've taken my space. I've made old connections, and new ones. I focus on my schoolwork, go out with other friends, and even read a book. But I do miss him- and i do remember the times we shared. I will not be hardened, but I will respect myself. How can I expect others to respect me, if I don't set limits. It seems that this is the key to your problem: it's all or none, you invest yourself heavily in friendships. I do too... but you have to be careful, because the person you rely on, and who relies on you the most is also the person who can hurt you the most. So rely on yourself and trust yourself. You can still be good to others. You can still be helpful. Don't be bitter, and remember that you need to define yourself in your own eyes- not the way others perceive you (or the way you think they perceive you!).
 
Hey 190,

We're not sick of you mate...if you wanna keep posting we'll happily keep replying...

I remember some of your other threads...and this one mate gives me heart. It may sound strange but I read this post and I really believe you are one your way back to being the guy you want to be.

See, theres a determination here, an understanding and a resolve. Sure there are still questions but the fact that you are asking them means you want answers...you want to move on...you dont want to be held back any more.

Being hurt and betrayed can easily throw you off balance...your priorities change, your feelings change...and yes you harden up. You learn to not be so vulnerable, not be so giving. Take it far enough and you do close down...you shun freinds and betray trusts. And it leads you to here.

190... there is nothing that you have done that cant be undone. Nothing said that you cant seek forgiveness for. No freindship ruined that you cant fight for. Words are powerful weapons thats true...but they work for both good and evil. Neglect by its very nature is undone by action...you have the power to make things right...to the people you want in your life.

And thats the balance you need to find now.

You've hurt...and for the most part you come through it. You bleeds tears and your heart was laid open...that hurt has taught you how much you love, how much you give and how much you care. Those are things to wear like a badge, show them with pride, shout them from the roof tops. They are things to be proud of.

The lesson to learn is caution. To take care and be sure that you are an equal and loved for who you are. To close yourself off completely is to make a bigger mistake.

You went from hurt to anger...from anger to a steely determination. A determination to put yourself first.

You've learned just how important you are. And you are. Your passionate, your loyal, your giving, your honest and now you are someone who values yourself the way you should.

Your nearly there. Your nearly at the end...or really the beginning. The beginning of the new you. The you who can give the way you did, but temper it with enough caution to protect yourself too.

You'll always look back with mixed emotions...its what we do. And things never will be the same. But from all bad things there are good too.

Take the lessons you learnt. Trust yourself again. Put yourself out there. You've got new tools and weapons now to balance your life. Use 'em. Make good use of them. Just keep going. Keep marching on with your head high 190. You've earned that right.

The right to your own happiness.
 
I'm in the middle of one of those dark periods myself, except that it's coming out that screwed up my life and killed friendships.
I just try to keep telling myself that this can't last. In my gut I don't believe that, but I keep telling myself.
 
Kulindahr said:
I'm in the middle of one of those dark periods myself, except that it's coming out that screwed up my life and killed friendships.
I just try to keep telling myself that this can't last. In my gut I don't believe that, but I keep telling myself.
Click to expand...


It can't. It won't.

5 years from now both of you will look back and remember why you're still alive. There are a lot of things you can do in the future in addition to what you've already done. You still have plenty of chances for your life to develop into something else.

Even a little chance is better than zero...
 
Well the first paragraph, or part of it rather, was about my ex, and me not understanding why I'm not over him. The second was about my friendships, and my third was simply about how I can fix everything. I'm really not understanding anything in my life, and this is the first time that I'm feeling this way about my life.
 
This may sound a bit off the wall, but every time I feel a bit asea, like I'm not sure why I'm here and why I'm doing what I'm doing, there's something I do that always seems to help re-center myself.

I volunteer.

I've volunteered a couple places, and each time, I've sort of felt reconnected to the human race, like I'm reaffirming my humanity by donating my time. And I don't even have to do it a lot - a couple hours a week works fine. You may have to do a bit of self-assessment and decided what sort of talents you might have, and where they might be best employed. I've got this math degree I wasn't using, and a decent speaking voice, so I volunteer at RFB&D, where I record textbooks (usually math or science ones) for blind and dyslexic students. That may not be for you, but it shouldn't take too much work to find a place that could utilize whatever talents you have. And hopefully at that point, you'll start to feel better about yourself, and be able to move forward easier.

Lex
 
What is the best way to let out emotions? I've tried crying and I really cannot even force myself to do it. I want to hit something, but that's illegal and costly, I feel like screaming a lot, but then someone might think I'm in trouble.
 
Hey 190E
Sometimes this shit hits us
Are you a nature boy?
I'm asking because, whenever I feel down and lost, just being outside looking at the sky and nature round me brings peace and a realisation that in the great context of things, my troubles are so small and transient that they are not worth holding onto, that holding onto them simply causes too much pain and uses too much emotion. Being in nature - maybe even get into the middle of a wood, find a sunny clearing, strip off, lie flat on your back with your arms and legs out like a starfish and scream, shout and cry as much as you can would be helpful.
Another thing, like the volunteering, is to hug someone else who needs support. Take some of the effort you're expending on your own anger and turn it into effort re-building someone else. It doesn't matter who it is and it doesn't matter how much you do as long as it's sincere.
The worst times in my life so far have been when I nearly broke under the strain of a destructive job, when my only true gay love died of AIDS, when I realised I was sterile and couldn't have kids without help (two lovely daughters now) and when my wife was diagnosed with cancer last year. These are life events not death events, though they were supremely shitty at the time and still have left their scars - can you manage to let the sunshine back in your own life, count your blessings and stop living your loss every day? Does it help if you think that actually it's not your loss, it's his?
Love and hope
Merry
 
In my heart, I know it's his loss, but my brain is telling me it's mine, and I dont know why. I really dont want to feel like this for any one person, nor do I want the pain in my life, but I dont know how to change that. I get afraid when I'm by myself just sitting and thinking, that's when I think about it the most, so I drink, or I call friends and ignore the school work that I should be doing, or ignore other friends because it's painful to see them and think they still talk to him. Everything I do reminds me of him, and every song I use to play, I can no longer, and I use to LOVE these songs, even before I met him. Music use to be my outlet, but I cant even turn to that anymore.
 
190,

It's been a while since I read your posts and I am sorry to see things are not better with you ... have you tried counseling? It sounds like that would help you refocus and get your life back on track. You seem to be in a holding pattern and not allowing yourself to land into happiness and away from all this emotional trauma.

I will continue to hope that you find peace and happiness! (*8*) and you know you can PM me too!
 
Hi 190 I, too, am sorry things still suck.

I just wanted to echo what Rican said about counseling. You need a strong shoulder and steady ear to unload all these feelings. You mentioned classes--most schools have a counseling department to help. Do you have access to one of those? If not, investing in a therapist--even short term (like 2-3 sessions) can do wonders.

There's a lot of hurt there, and some frustration and confusion too. You don't want that to lead to chronic depression, or permanently jaded outlook on life.

In the meantime, stick around here and dump it out here too. There are a lot of bright readers here, who are generous with their advice and vast experiences.

Good luck. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
(*8*)
 
I've signed up to see a counselor at the campus department, but they cant get me in to see him til april 10th, which is a rediculous amount of time. I think my Insurance I get ten free visits, so I will try going through them too.
 
190E said:
I've signed up to see a counselor at the campus department, but they cant get me in to see him til april 10th, which is a rediculous amount of time. I think my Insurance I get ten free visits, so I will try going through them too.
Click to expand...

Have you tried contacting the GLBT Center in Orlando? They could also be a source of information and counseling for you ... not sure if they are free but it is worth a call to see, plus at least you will feel more comfortable talking about gay issues with someone who you know handles them.

Website at http://www.glbcc.org/
 
190E said:
At the same time as all of this, I feel lost, not having any sense of direction, I cannot simply live for an organization, I cannot simply live for the sake of living, what do I have to look forward to, what do I have to stand for? The only thing I wake up in the morning to do is go to class, the gym, and eat, that isn't a life for a KID, I stress again, a KID who was once vibrant, outgoing, and maybe nice (I stress maybe.). What do I have to do to get back on the path, grab the hors by the reins, and take control of my life again? Why am I stressing about something a year and a half long, which has been over for months? When am I going to feel like myself? Who can cause such turmoil to another human life? How do I just going to get back to ME?

Opinions welcome, if you want.
Click to expand...

190, I can empathize with you... I have had experiences such as you have described my whole life. There is light; just look and you will find it. I have to every day I get up in the morning. Live for YOU if not anyone else. In the end YOU are what matters. You started out in the right direction by "talking" here - look at all of these wonderful responses and support you have.

4 years ago I nearly lost my foot in an accident (I fell 7 feet from onto a concrete pad from a roof), lost everything financially because of the accident - got back on my feet again, and not two weeks ago was laid off. I've hit bottom twice now, and I've swam back to the top with a lead weight on my foot.. Keep your chin up - and when you need to talk, come here or wherever, just find someone to talk to. There are people out there that do care about you, and always will no matter what you do. (*8*)

The sun will shine...


 
190E said:
I'm starting to think that I'm kind of bipolar in a depression way if that makes sense.
Click to expand...

It's possible; some people who go through something deeply traumatic for them get kicked in bipolar.
But it also isn't likely. Deep emotional wounds are something our systems don't like, and they'll try to make things okay by boosting all the body chemicals that elevate mood, and you'll have periods where life seems wonderful, but then it's back down to the dismal abyss, because the body can't keep it up. If that turns into a regular pattern, you could be going non-biologically-based bipolar.

And the best way to deal with any of those is to get to a good doc. If he decides you need help from meds, there are pills that will kick the depression in the ass, and break the hold it has, and any cycle that's developing. Once that's dealt with, counseling can help get your head straight so the depression doesn't take over again, and you can be free of the meds.

But as a very highly-respected psychiatrist once told me, hugs really are better than drugs -- friends there with lots of hugs, falling asleep back to back, even showering together, actually alter the way the brain is functioning, sometimes briefly, sometimes longer. A steady supply will help you stabilize naturally. So however hard it might be, connect with friends, make new ones, and get lots of physical affection. Don't even think about trying to replace the depth you had before, just fill all the buddy-level areas of your life that seem empty.


BTW -- does sunshine lift your mood?
 
Lately there hasn't been much helping my mood other than drinking and sleeping. Just things to keep my mind off of it. That, however can only go so far because eventually you're not going to get to be drunk. I.e. in class. I've been in this off and on now for months and months, and it's not gotten better.
 
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