I'm not really sure where to start. I guess I'll warn you that this is another straight friend story. There seems to be a new one every day. I've actually had my fair share of experiences like this. You think I would have learned by now. I thought I did. I guess I can try to convince myself that this is different from every other time, from every other story but it probably isn't all that different. So what's the point of posting it? Who knows. Maybe I'll get some solace from letting it all out, from joining the ranks (or re-joining). Why does this happen? I don't know. I've heard a lot of good answers for that, my answer right now is that in some way it is safe. In some twisted way it is fun. There's a mystery to it. There's an uncharted land of possibilities just waiting...or so you think. I know I'm a fool. I know I'm an idiot. I can't really talk about it with my friends because I feel like a douche. Hell I am a douche for letting this happen.
I've known J for a pretty good chunk of my 22 years. I ran into him sporadically. We roomed together at church camp several times. I don't really remember him from that but his signature is in my camp book so we both know we were there together. I mostly only heard about him but never interacted with him much. In 9th grade I went from a small school to the public school that he attended. We didn't really interact at first. I always assumed he didn't like me. I guess I actually have my other good friend to thank for bringing us together. We were greasers in the fall musical "Grease." So we had time to get to know eachother then and began to get to know each other a lot better but didn't hang out exclusively that often. I never remember being that attracted to him back then. Kind of sad that that it was easier for me to keep it platonic when I was a teen but I'm somehow not able to now.
When me and my other friend had a place together, J would come over a lot and get drunk with us. That's when we all started drinking and being bad kids. I had been coming out to a few of my friends and finally decided it was time to come out to him. I was afraid of his reaction because he always seemed kind of sheltered and maybe naive to me. But his reaction was good, he actually said that he loved me more. I was pretty happy. I do remember hitting on him once there when we got drunk. He was so nice about it, just said he wasn't the person I was looking for but I would find someone.
All through high school he never dated anyone. I never heard about him getting any tail or anything. But we weren't really partiers. We were the good kids so I guess techincally he wasn't supposed to be out looking for pussy. I never really asked him why he didn't date in high school. But I guess I didn't really either. It seems like it was only after high school that he started to be more interested in finding a girl to date.
The summer after he graduated (I'm a grade older) the three of us went on a camping trip and there I was again totally hitting on him. To the point where I pulled his dick out and started playing with it. We were all fucked up. He was really uncomfortable but I totally leeched on to him. It's hard for me to say this shit because I feel absolutely disgusting for doing that to my friend. There's all kinds of excuses I could make but the truth is...I acted like an idiot. I'm surprised he still hangs out with me sometimes.
Our friendship didn't grow really strong until early 2008. He had already been seeing this girl for about a year I think so he was obviously my straight buddy and I was good with that. I THOUGHT I was good with that. I never remember looking at him in a lustful way or wanting anything else with him. I was working 11 in the morning until 10 at night then so I would drive down after work on fridays. He lives about an hour away and at that time he had a place in a small town. We'd drink and listen to music and watch movies and just whatever. I always so wired from my shitty job that we'd stay up until 4 or 5 just dickin around. I don't remember when we started smoking pot together but that could be one of the reasons we're so close. I don't consider him just a smoking buddy, but it's just something that we started doing together...and pretty much ever since we have been doing together. We'd sleep in the same bed and it never seemed to be a problem. I never tried to get on him then. My memories might be fucked but I really don't think I ever even thought of it. After that we've hung out almost every weekend. Smokin, talking, laughing, camping, listening to music, just being happy.
I don't know if I dreamed it (and that's a big possibility) but I remember waking up and he had his arm around me. That's about the extent of our physical contact. I guess once when we went camping and it was cold we held on to each other to keep warm but fuck I could have dreamt that too. Really, I think this all might be a dream because it seems to fucked up to be real. For all the times that I swore I would never fall for another straight guy - here I am again, thinking about him all the time. I swear I love him so much it hurts sometimes...it hurts often. I'm not sure when it happened but it just started creeping. It's like a gradual sickness and I'm not even sure I want to get rid of it. That's the part that's the most fucked up.
One day in February I got the balls to tell him how I felt. We were driving around and I started freaking out and just let it all out. He just said that he didn't plan on turning gay anytime soon but he didn't feel that weirded out by it. Also that he knew by the way I would act sometimes. Also I guess another one of my friends sensed it and told him once. I went into a slump after that because I knew he felt weird/acted weird. IT seemed like he got over it pretty quick. Actually we both got over it pretty quick. And there we were, back to the same old - hanging out every weekend just bein buddies. I thought just being honest had made the feelings go away. But now I feel like I've hit the biggest wave of it yet.
People tell me that we seem like a couple. Actually a lot of people thought we were. At parties...if one of us is there without the other everyone makes a big deal out of it because honestly we are attached at the hip. It sometimes gets to the point where I only want to hang out with him and I end up blowing all my other friends off. It's only gotten worse since his girlfriend broke up with him. Now we are usually together Friday night through sunday night and then wednesday and thursday. And I know it's because I want us to be like a couple. I want to believe we are like a couple. Sometimes I swear we are. When I did talk to him about it, he agreed. It's something that I want...but I don't want it. I don't want it because I know it's temporary. I know that he's looking for a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I think that's the hardest part...I feel like I have found the perfect person. I've found someone that could make my life so perfect if he would just want me back. But he doesn't and he won't ever. No matter what I do...this will end. If I don't get out there and try to find someone who will want me like I want him...I'm going to end up alone.
I lost 50 pounds since Jan 1 and the shitty thing is the whole time I was doing it mostly for him. I thought if I was skinny and better looking then maybe he would change his mind. I just get so confused because he'll acknowledge that a guy is cute or not cute. I almost always feel ugly to him. It's always happened like that. If i like someone and I know they aren't attracted to me then I feel really ugly. I know it's crazy but I guess I'm fucking crazy.
Now he wants to move here and we're supposed to get an apartment together. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be just fine. I think I just need to shove these feelings deeper and deeper and they'll go away. I mostly just want him to be happy. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I just want to be a good friend to him and he shouldn't have to worry about that shit. No one should have to worry about this. Sometimes I wish someone would invent a pill so I could be straight. I think I'd be the first in line.
I know this is a huge mess. Kudos to anyone who even reads this. I mostly just need someone to talk to who isn't directly involved. I have no idea what to do...
I've known J for a pretty good chunk of my 22 years. I ran into him sporadically. We roomed together at church camp several times. I don't really remember him from that but his signature is in my camp book so we both know we were there together. I mostly only heard about him but never interacted with him much. In 9th grade I went from a small school to the public school that he attended. We didn't really interact at first. I always assumed he didn't like me. I guess I actually have my other good friend to thank for bringing us together. We were greasers in the fall musical "Grease." So we had time to get to know eachother then and began to get to know each other a lot better but didn't hang out exclusively that often. I never remember being that attracted to him back then. Kind of sad that that it was easier for me to keep it platonic when I was a teen but I'm somehow not able to now.
When me and my other friend had a place together, J would come over a lot and get drunk with us. That's when we all started drinking and being bad kids. I had been coming out to a few of my friends and finally decided it was time to come out to him. I was afraid of his reaction because he always seemed kind of sheltered and maybe naive to me. But his reaction was good, he actually said that he loved me more. I was pretty happy. I do remember hitting on him once there when we got drunk. He was so nice about it, just said he wasn't the person I was looking for but I would find someone.
All through high school he never dated anyone. I never heard about him getting any tail or anything. But we weren't really partiers. We were the good kids so I guess techincally he wasn't supposed to be out looking for pussy. I never really asked him why he didn't date in high school. But I guess I didn't really either. It seems like it was only after high school that he started to be more interested in finding a girl to date.
The summer after he graduated (I'm a grade older) the three of us went on a camping trip and there I was again totally hitting on him. To the point where I pulled his dick out and started playing with it. We were all fucked up. He was really uncomfortable but I totally leeched on to him. It's hard for me to say this shit because I feel absolutely disgusting for doing that to my friend. There's all kinds of excuses I could make but the truth is...I acted like an idiot. I'm surprised he still hangs out with me sometimes.
Our friendship didn't grow really strong until early 2008. He had already been seeing this girl for about a year I think so he was obviously my straight buddy and I was good with that. I THOUGHT I was good with that. I never remember looking at him in a lustful way or wanting anything else with him. I was working 11 in the morning until 10 at night then so I would drive down after work on fridays. He lives about an hour away and at that time he had a place in a small town. We'd drink and listen to music and watch movies and just whatever. I always so wired from my shitty job that we'd stay up until 4 or 5 just dickin around. I don't remember when we started smoking pot together but that could be one of the reasons we're so close. I don't consider him just a smoking buddy, but it's just something that we started doing together...and pretty much ever since we have been doing together. We'd sleep in the same bed and it never seemed to be a problem. I never tried to get on him then. My memories might be fucked but I really don't think I ever even thought of it. After that we've hung out almost every weekend. Smokin, talking, laughing, camping, listening to music, just being happy.
I don't know if I dreamed it (and that's a big possibility) but I remember waking up and he had his arm around me. That's about the extent of our physical contact. I guess once when we went camping and it was cold we held on to each other to keep warm but fuck I could have dreamt that too. Really, I think this all might be a dream because it seems to fucked up to be real. For all the times that I swore I would never fall for another straight guy - here I am again, thinking about him all the time. I swear I love him so much it hurts sometimes...it hurts often. I'm not sure when it happened but it just started creeping. It's like a gradual sickness and I'm not even sure I want to get rid of it. That's the part that's the most fucked up.
One day in February I got the balls to tell him how I felt. We were driving around and I started freaking out and just let it all out. He just said that he didn't plan on turning gay anytime soon but he didn't feel that weirded out by it. Also that he knew by the way I would act sometimes. Also I guess another one of my friends sensed it and told him once. I went into a slump after that because I knew he felt weird/acted weird. IT seemed like he got over it pretty quick. Actually we both got over it pretty quick. And there we were, back to the same old - hanging out every weekend just bein buddies. I thought just being honest had made the feelings go away. But now I feel like I've hit the biggest wave of it yet.
People tell me that we seem like a couple. Actually a lot of people thought we were. At parties...if one of us is there without the other everyone makes a big deal out of it because honestly we are attached at the hip. It sometimes gets to the point where I only want to hang out with him and I end up blowing all my other friends off. It's only gotten worse since his girlfriend broke up with him. Now we are usually together Friday night through sunday night and then wednesday and thursday. And I know it's because I want us to be like a couple. I want to believe we are like a couple. Sometimes I swear we are. When I did talk to him about it, he agreed. It's something that I want...but I don't want it. I don't want it because I know it's temporary. I know that he's looking for a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I think that's the hardest part...I feel like I have found the perfect person. I've found someone that could make my life so perfect if he would just want me back. But he doesn't and he won't ever. No matter what I do...this will end. If I don't get out there and try to find someone who will want me like I want him...I'm going to end up alone.
I lost 50 pounds since Jan 1 and the shitty thing is the whole time I was doing it mostly for him. I thought if I was skinny and better looking then maybe he would change his mind. I just get so confused because he'll acknowledge that a guy is cute or not cute. I almost always feel ugly to him. It's always happened like that. If i like someone and I know they aren't attracted to me then I feel really ugly. I know it's crazy but I guess I'm fucking crazy.
Now he wants to move here and we're supposed to get an apartment together. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be just fine. I think I just need to shove these feelings deeper and deeper and they'll go away. I mostly just want him to be happy. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I just want to be a good friend to him and he shouldn't have to worry about that shit. No one should have to worry about this. Sometimes I wish someone would invent a pill so I could be straight. I think I'd be the first in line.
I know this is a huge mess. Kudos to anyone who even reads this. I mostly just need someone to talk to who isn't directly involved. I have no idea what to do...
..
