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I love them both..

Seasoned said:
Your continued sobriety and your one on one therapy will prove to be the most beneficial to you at this stage in your life.

You are going to have to figure out if you're capable of being monogamous and/or if you're capable of being sexual with one sex and forgoing the other.

I don't know how long you abused drugs, but it seems as though you might have been self-medicating to ignore this very thing.

There is a strong cultural bias to be straight. I felt as if I loved my ex-wife and that I could "supress" my attraction to men. It turned out that I neither could, nor did I want to, even though I did for 10 years. I thought I was bi. I'm not; I'm gay. In all the time I was married I didn't fantasize about other women, just men. And when I cheated it was with men.

Take this sober self-exploration a day at a time and don't make commitments to a partner until you're ready to do so. Best wishes.
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Thank you so much.
 
As you know, from being through your own rehab, that owning up to your wrongdoings is a big part of healing. So, I hope you mean what you say when you say you don't want to blame your sexuality for your infidelity. You chose to cheat, just as you chose to have unprotected sex and produce a child. Choices have consequences and now you must face that. It's time to focus on good choices leading to good consequences. If you are honest with yourself, you have to admit the relationship with this male friend is going nowhere. If it continues, it will be only sexual. He's in the closet and you aren't exactly out and proud. Also, having sex does not help you decide what your sexuality it. It's more than just being able to be sexual with another person. Deciding who you are will have to come from being honest with yourself and that might take time. Your therapist can't tell you that, either. Besides, some therapists are full of shit.

Lastly, you may not love or be committed to the guy or your gf, but there is someone you absolutely need to love and commit to...your baby.
 
Even though you're not in a traditional relationship with him, he has kinda been the longest relationship you've had. He's always been there for you, he understands you, and knows where you're coming from. You have an understanding. He's also been a type of escape for you to fall back on when things got tough in your day to day life. I see him as a type of security blanket for you, as someone who's been in your shoes and probably knows you better inside and out (no pun) than anyone else ever has. Perhaps he's the closest thing to an unconditional 'love' you've had that you can let your hair down and be yourself around 100% with no judgements about being in a closet, bi, in a relationship with a female, kids on the way, recovering user... I can see why he'd be hard for you to give up. What he represents as a like spirit is probably a whole lot larger role that what he really fills as a 'friend'/FB.
 
borg69unimatrix said:
Even though you're not in a traditional relationship with him, he has kinda been the longest relationship you've had. He's always been there for you, he understands you, and knows where you're coming from. You have an understanding. He's also been a type of escape for you to fall back on when things got tough in your day to day life. I see him as a type of security blanket for you, as someone who's been in your shoes and probably knows you better inside and out (no pun) than anyone else ever has. Perhaps he's the closest thing to an unconditional 'love' you've had that you can let your hair down and be yourself around 100% with no judgements about being in a closet, bi, in a relationship with a female, kids on the way, recovering user... I can see why he'd be hard for you to give up. What he represents as a like spirit is probably a whole lot larger role that what he really fills as a 'friend'/FB.
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Thank you for your remarks. I have received a lot of input from people on this forum, some good and others not so good, but your post has been the closest to my reality that has been shared so far.

There are a lot of layers in my history with him and you touched on the. My sponsor knows him through the program and also a gay man and his feedback sounds a lot like what you wrote.

This is why I stated that I believe I love them both, and for entirely different reasons. I love my girlfriend because the part of me that wants a family, stability and a more "traditional" life yearns to maintain my relationship with her and to strive to be the man she deserves. The other part of my heart loves him because there is no pressure so to speak because we don't have all the extra layers of craps that come from a "traditional" relationship. He understands me in ways that I feel she never can or will. We are a like in so many ways because we have our families and lives, but still find comfort and safety with one another.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel better after reading the last couple of replies I've received.
 
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