I messed up my life! Help? :(

[Hot Hector]

Guys... I didn't know who to resort to, I'm ashamed to say things to most people close to me, so I guess I'll say stuff here.

Well, yeah I'm gay and I know that since I'm like 17. Today, I am 26, and I still haven't accepted myself well. I kept thinking the day would come, and I just cannot seem to come out, I feel my life and energy is fading away... 9 years have passed, and I am just suffering a lot and my youth is going down the drain.

Major issues putting me down:

1. I am extremely self conscious of my body image. Most people say I look good, but I am too perfectionist and I don't even feel like going out of home because I'm not muscular enough, not tan enough, I don't like my dick size (it's 'usable', but still not big...), I have bodyhair I don't like and I am ashamed to show... the list goes on. All of this makes me nervous, I constantly bite on my nails badly until it bleeds.

2. Having issues with my body makes it very hard to come out home and socialize. I have very few close friends remaining, and new ones are not on the horizon. I am pretty addicted to online gaming because it is a good way to hide myself and kind of forget my real life for a bit.

3. My college scores have plummeted last semester. I could have graduated in Law, but I failed horribly. Now I have to endure one more semester on the failed subjects, and as I said on number 2 topic, going to college is also painful because I can't even feel good in public.

4. I have a part time job, which pays ok but I still feel pretty helpless, and I live with my parents. Living with them bothers me because I feel old and a burden to my family.

5. I haven't been with a guy for a long time, for all reasons I mentioned, I feel crappy enough to believe no one will want me...

Other day my colleagues at work scheduled a small meeting at a nearby shopping, so we could talk and watch some movie. They told me they feel I am a sad guy and decided to help me.

Just a few minutes ago, my mother and brother told me they want to know what is going on with me, what is my problem and why I am failing at handling my life.

People want to help me but I just CAN'T mention the fact I'm gay. I can't. I'm extremely ashamed to say it (and I think it isn't even worth it, because I'm not even enjoying my gay life anyway...). I tried a therapy last year, because I was thinking of killing myself, so it helped a little, but I cried and cried during the sessions, I ended up giving up.

Could someone please inspire me? I want to put my life back on track, but I need some help, some light, someone who had similar experiences and what they did to escape this situation.

Thankyou for reading.

 

[chillyboi]

Wow
i've been there except living w/ family
you've got to improve yourself, work-out,join a singles group, go out & volunteer, you'll be amazed at who you might meet,also continue your education,heighten your resum'e

 

[WYSIWYG]

You need to focus on who you are and what you want to be. You have to begin to know and understand that there is ONLY ONE YOU on this planet. You have self-worth and you can share WHO YOU ARE with SOMEONE!

It sounds like you have setup yourself to fail because of the thigns about your body you do not like. Have you ever thought that your guy would like those things about you??

A big cock, lots of muscles, etc., is not all it is said to be my friend!!!

BUT before you can be who you are, write down ALL the good things about YOU!

Get out of the house and DO things as mentioned! Explore others and who you are. Your only 26! ENJOY life, because before you know it your 50 and you will say, "Damn, where did my life go to?"

Coming out does not have to be a priority, if your gay, or bi, or whatever that is who you are, but your sexuality isn't all you are and can be! Coming out can come later AFTER you feel better about yourself. That has to happen FIRST!

 

[JustStephen]

Like I said in the PM, step one is loving yourself. After that, you start to find that other people will too.

-Stephen

 

[KaraBulut]

You've put a lot of work into this.

If you put nearly as much work into accepting yourself as you have into creating these reasons why you can't...

This isn't about other people not wanting you or finding you attractive. It's about how you feel about yourself.

You've come up with a lot of reasons why you won't try and until you do, you really won't know, will you?

Like I said in the PM, step one is loving yourself. After that, you start to find that other people will too.

^^^QFT. Couldn't have said it better.

 

[fiorio]

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/NEVER-GOOD-ENOUGH-Perfectionism-Advantage/dp/068486293X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233107765&sr=1-1"]Amazon.com: NEVER GOOD ENOUGH: How to use Perfectionism to Your Advantage Without Letting it Ruin Your Life: Monica Ramirez Basco: Books[/ame]
check out this book, i am actually reading it. i am a perfectionist as well.
and stop biting ur nails.

 

[G-Lexington]

Wow, not sure where to start, so I'll just pick a random spot.

>>>People want to help me but I just CAN'T mention the fact I'm gay. I can't. I'm extremely ashamed to say it (and I think it isn't even worth it, because I'm not even enjoying my gay life anyway...).

A few things here. There is no "gay life". Any more than you have a "hairy body" life, or a "six foot tall" life. Your sexuality is a fact. A datum. Something that's just true about you, the same as your height and shoe size. You can certainly do things related to that fact about you, but the fact doesn't vanish when you're not dealing with it. It's still there.

Your sexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. You may have heard discussion about (and, here, read threads about) "gay pride". And a lot of people get confused by that. "What's the big deal? Why are you PROUD of being gay? You didn't do anything to become gay." True enough. But here's the thing - pride is the opposite of shame. And no, I'm not "proud" of my sexuality, but I'm sure as hell not ashamed of it. I don't brag about it, but I don't hide it. When people get to know me, they fairly quickly find out I'm gay. (Being partnered helps.)

So on to that. There are places where it IS considered horrible to be gay. I don't know where you are, but your post certainly suggests the US. (The word "college" is a big clue.) And in much of the US, sexuality is becoming no big deal, with the vast majority of people. I recently was helping a teenager online with a problem involving being gay. He was 14, and lived in Iowa. You know what his problem was? "None of the other gay kids at school want to go out with me." Seriously. In Iowa. In high school. He's not getting his ass kicked on a daily basis. He's not worried that his parents might find out. He's just gay, y'know? Like several other students in his school. And the other students GET it.

On to self-esteem. You do have to learn to let go of this image of a "perfect guy" you seem to have in your head, and how you're not measuring up. Because none of us do. Perhaps you watch a lot of porn? If that's your major input as far as gay men go, then yeah, you can start getting some wrong ideas. The average cock size is NOT nine inches. Most guys don't have chiseled abs. Many of us have hair where we'd just as soon not, and big noses, and misshapen nipples, and whatever else. I've got a belly on me. I've got tons of hair - on my back, my feet, you name it. I've got an odd look to my face, and some of the ugliest feet you've ever seen. And, I've noticed, unlike the porn actors, I can't cum in thick milky ropes in slow-motion from a variety of camera angles. But you know what? I don't care. It's who I am. I've accepted that that's who I am. And I've grown to like me. Every bit of me. Even the errant back hair and misshapen toes and birthmarks and goofy hair. And guess what? Once I did, other people started warming up to me, too. I grew more self-confident, and that proved to be the most attractive trait imaginable. Much more than a perfect set of hair or well-manscaped torso.

I think you might benefit from getting back into therapy. Crying during the session doesn't mean it wasn't going right - I think it means it WAS going right. It meant you were facing your problems head on, and it was probably painful as fuck. That's what happens when you drag your demons out of the dark, and face them in the cold light of day. It can be painful and scary. But then you start hacking away at them, and bit by bit, they start retreating. You start getting to the other side. And that's when life starts. When you can just enjoy your life without having to carry around these demons everywhere you go. So do give therapy a bit more thought. Yeah, it'll be painful, but it'll probably be worthwhile.

And as always, feel free to spill your guts here at JUB. That's what this section is for. We'll get you to the other side yet.

Lex

 

[Blueboy369]

What are you afraid of? What is the worst that can happen if you trust your family enough to tell the truth? Will you get slapped?...so what. The world will not come tumbling down because you come out. Life is so short. If you die tomorrow will you be satisfied with how you have lived your life?
You are alive, You are healthy, You have two hands and two feet. You have a family that cares enough to want to know what's going on. Live your life to the fullest. Enjoy the little things. Choose to be happy! Choose to live worry free! Choose to live! Every day you wake up in the morning is a gift and a new beginning. Take it one day at a time. Stop worrying and start living.

 

[hanzosword]

I suggest you do some kind of exercise. I know feeling the way you do you probably won't feel like it but I promise it will make you feel a little better. You should also try meditating. You can search the internet for how to do it and it will make so much more relaxed and carefree. You just have to recognize that you are an amazing person and that you are so worthy of being loved! Watch "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne too..

 

[hotatlboi]

26 is way too old to be living with your parents. If I had to guess I would say that's part of it. I went though the same kind of stuff you did briefly but way younger because I was away from my parents at college for the first time. I'm convinced that helped me a lot in maturing into a self-confident and independent person. It was really hard for me living at home. Get out of the house if you can would be my advice.

 

[StlKj]

Get back into therapy. Quickly. Then stay there. Being gay is only one of the potential problems you're dealing with here. You've tossed out some details that could point to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, social anxiety disorder, and/or body dysmorphic disorder.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/body-dysmorphic-disorder/DS00559

You aren't necessarily suffering from any of these, but it is a possibility, and you should be seeking professional help to see if they are active here.

Hang in there. The first step towards feeling better is putting it all out there and being willing to find out what is wrong. It's worth it.

 

[Nerd12]

Hey,

I really feel that I can relate to you in a lot of your problems. I'm extremely self-conscience about my body image and because of that, I find it harder to be in a social setting with people that I don't know even though I enjoy making new friends. I too have a few remaining close friends and I guess my low self-esteem and low confidence in myself makes it harder to make newer friends. I thrive in places and scenarios where I feel like I can be free of judgement from other people. This has really gotten me depressed and I have been going to therapy also.

I'm a very optimistic person though and even though being optimistic towards yourself is harder to do than say- being optimistic towards a friend's situation, it still keeps you moving. Despite my slump and depression, I know that I will be happy soon enough as soon as I feel to build that confidence with myself and be happy with who I am. I'm a big dreamer and I aspire to do a lot so that keeps me motivated to just keep going because I know things will get better. It's as simple as becoming happy with who you are first.
I'm sure you're a great guy and I'm sure others see that in you but you have to start believing it also. Take small steps to do what you want to do and be who you want to be. Like someone else mentioned, I'm particularly fond of volunteering so I'm looking for something like that to make me feel better about myself.

There's an awesome quote from one of my favorite books that goes something like : Believe me that things with me are good, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough.

 

[Muscles4daze]

I use to have issues with my body when I was younger ( I was overweight), until one day I just said I am tiered of feeling like crap . I joined a gym and started reading fitness magazines to learn some routines and to get some motivation. The more and more I worked out and saw my body transform, the more motivated I became. A lot of the things that you have just mentioned can be corrected, but before you take and steps to correct those issues, I think you need to work on loving yourself for who you are right now. Rome was not built over night man every takes time.

 

[Fishstix]

26 is still pretty young, especially since people live up to 80 and up these days. Also in the gay community, you're at an age that all gay men are attracted to. People as young as 18 wouldn't mind going out with you, people 60 and up wouldn't mind going out with you since you still look young but not like a kid or an old man. I even find some 50 year olds hot when I'm usually not attracted to people my dads age. A lot of guys who don't fit the model look are so hot because they have an interesting look to them. And no, I'm not ugly, I just have a wide variety in my taste in men.

Most gay people also like men of all sizes since half of them are really skinny anyways. I like skinny men, I find pale men hot, I don't care for dick size and most gay guys on this site have said that they like men who are hairy. You could always shave if you want. If lots of people say you're attractive then you're probably attractive. If anyone's going to judge you for something you can't change then they're not for you and they're not worthy your time. There's someone out there for everyone.

The reason why so many gay guys end up being afraid to ask other gay guys out is because most of us worry about what we look like to other people and if they find us attractive or not. People are worried about whether you think they're attractive or not while you're worrying if they think you're attractive or not. Some of the hottest guys are the most intimidating to approach. I've read a thread here asking whether you approach guys or wait for them to approach you and only a low number of people in the poll answered that they were confident enough to go up to any guy they want and ask them out.

Your mom and brother want to help you, they love and care about you.

It's never too late to fix your life, even if college ends up not working out. There are always other options. It may take time, even years but eventually it'll all work out in the end.

 

[darkdreamerx]

Don't let anyone diagnose you psychologically on this forum for one. Things like OCD aren't usually serious - I have minor OCD issues. You either have to make yourself a game plan on getting out of the rut, or have someone else help you (friends, family, doctor). There is always someone willing to help, as much as everyone on this forum.

 

[tominstl]

There is some very good advice here! Let me boil it down to a few bullet points for you:
1) Get up and move! When you feel down and depressed, one of the first things you need to do is snap yourself out of the rut a bit. Run. Dance. Move. Breathe heavy. ALl of these things will temporarily break your thought cycle
2) Keep going to the therepist. Even if it is just crying, you have to "get it out" to someone. A friend, a family member, or a professional. Just verbalizing and getting things organized in your head a bit helps a lot.
3) Look for a support group. You need to see real world proof that people come in all shapes and sizes. Gay folks are of all kinds and surely some will think you are the most fantastic looking man on earth. That has to help confidence, right?
4) Set realistic goals for yourself. Small steps which you will go for and meet. Spend one less hour a day at the game console and spend it with friends and family. Obviously they are telling you that they want to spend more time with you.
5) If you truely feel that you can never come out to your family, and that is the source of your avoidance and pain, then specifically work on getting your own place. Get some independence. It will lessen your fear of coming out.
6) where would you like to be in 5 years? write it out. Make it your goal to make a step toward that everyday. Big or small...any step.
7) Build friends here for support. Lots of guys have gone thhrough this and you are not nearly as alone as you think you are.

 

[StlKj]

Don't let anyone diagnose you psychologically on this forum for one. Things like OCD aren't usually serious - I have minor OCD issues. You either have to make yourself a game plan on getting out of the rut, or have someone else help you (friends, family, doctor). There is always someone willing to help, as much as everyone on this forum.

Just a follow up point--I'm not diagnosing anyone psychologically. I merely pointed out there are things the OP said that might point to some more serious issues than just "oh, I don't like my looks." That's why I suggested he seek some help to find out if it is possible.

I figure it has to at least be mentioned that there might be serious underlying issues here. I can only imagine it must be very difficult for people to come on here and seek feedback, and then feel terrible when they receive lots of good advice but can't seem to follow it. While we can offer some great insights, we aren't trained to offer help that might require professional intervention. If it's bad enough that he's finding it hard to leave the house, and he bloodies himself while obsessing over his looks or being gay, then he should seek that help.

 

[KingofFaeries]

Your body issues are relatively easy to deal with. If you got some pudge or just want some muscles, then you need to figure out a gym nearby to go to, or come up with a work out routine that you can do at your house. If your hairy, you got two choices accept it or shave it. There's also nair like products involving no razors but can result in really painful chemical burns, believe me I know from experience. If it's a HUGE! deal to you, then start saving up for laser hair removal, or if you don't mind a little temporary pain get an epillator. Essentially it's like 6 pairs or rotating tweezers that will rip the hair out at the root. Be SURE! to follow the directions. Because if it gets a chunk of skin it's gonna hurt ALOT! If you simply cannot accept how you look now then you have to change it. And given the issues you listed above I think that could help with alot of your other issues.

Stop biting your nails. Dip your fingers in chili powder when you feel your anxiousness starting to rear it's head. As long as your not fond of spicy food should help to discourage that particular behavior.

Watch 'Prayers for Bobby' it was on lifetime last night, I recorded it planning on rippin it and editing the commercials out. So let me know if you want a copy. It's a very emotional movie. And if you think it could help you come out to your family you can have them watch it to. If they're going to have a 'christian' response to it, the movie could definitely help.

Go back to therapy, it helps. And you can also join a support group. I'm sure there are a few in your area.

Stop letting mmorpg's take over your social life. They are recreational only. Believe me, it's easy to lose yourself to it. Especially when people say 'You have no friends, you haven't seen daylight in a month etc.' Because you can respond 'these people are my friends, they understand and accept me, what has sunlight ever done for me ' Bottom line. You do need to spend some time in reality and use the game as a stress relief. If you find that you might be addicted to the game there are support groups for that as well.

sweetheart I wish you all the love and joy in the world. Keep us updated

 

[Hot Hector]

Wow, guys, I must say I feel touched by the amount (and quality) of responses I received. You are simply awesome, I love how people care to help.

Unfortunately I cannot quote every single post, or reply a PM to each of you individually, but I want to say thanks and that every single reply had something of relevance. Thankyou!

Today I have made a step towards changing my life.

I have joined a site that deals with gaming addiction, Online Gamers Annonymous (http://www.olganon.org). Lots of people with similar experiences to mine.

I have went ahead and deleted both MMORPGs I was playing from my hard drive. I doubt I'll play them again any soon (if ever), because they are huge downloads, and I have also deleted characters and gave belongings away. Added a couple of my favorite friends from the games to MSN so I could keep in touch. I am decided that I will not play games again.

To fill the time I was using to game, I have signed up to a nearby gym. My brother works out there, so tomorrow I am going with him and start my training routine. I feel like changing what I don't like will be slightly easier than simply trying to accept it - plus, exercising may help socialize and improve the state of my depression.

Body hair isn't a huge issue like body shape is, in fact I like it on other guys, just not so much on myself. I have some chest hair which I don't like much, but with a better body shape and maybe with someone who enjoys it, I may keep. Otherwise I might as well wax it out, because it has caused me to be embarassed enough to not take my shirt out at times...

Next week I resume my college classes, and I will do every remaining subject to make sure I graduate in June.

I will consider returning to therapy, and coming out as well, but one step each a time. I think that in order to come out well, I'm better wait my self confidence to build up at least a little. I'd be devastated if my family didn't accept it too well (we are catholic, but not really that serious about it). I plan to at least graduate first then let them know.

Leaving my parent's home is another subject I can think of later. Cannot do it at the moment, so again one step at a time.

Well, it's been a day full of new things for me. It's sure refreshing to start feeling some relief. I feel more motivated and with hopes to change in a nearby future.

Thankyou guys, again your insights have helped me a lot on the road to acceptance and recover of my self worth. I'll keep posting to update on any good news, or possible 'withdrawals' so you can help kick me back on track again, please!

 

[Fishstix]

Awesome! I look forward to seeing you progress whether it's a few days, weeks or months from now. Little by little is the way to go. It might turn out to only be a small difference but any type of progression is good.