I moved here, and then he dumped me...

[Lamb23]

Hello, everyone. First post, but I have been on this site for a long time. So here it goes.

I recently moved 8 hours away from home so that I could be with my boyfriend. I even changed schools to make it happen. We met online, and then we began to communicate through texting and the phone. He came to visit several times over the summer, and I went to see him just as often. We started an actual relationship back in June. I thought everything was going great. He was my first actual boyfriend, and I fell hard for him, thinking the feelings were mutual. Immediately after I moved, he seemed different. Distant. After a week of questioning myself and wondering what I was doing wrong, he finally admitted that I wasn't crazy. He said there was a guy from his past. He said he never got over him, and he thought that he would once I moved here. The real piss-off is that the "other" guy left the country, and won't be returning any time soon. I don't really know how to get past all of this. I am in university, so at least I have that to keep me busy. But I feel betrayed and don't really know how I will trust anyone new who comes along. And what if I don't get over him just like he didn't get over the other guy? Will my next boyfriend be in the same boat that I am right now? And how awkward will it be when I see my ex out in public? Advice, please!!

 

[altlover85]

I wouldn't worry about not getting over him. In time you will see him for the jerk he is. As far as handling your ex in public, I would be polite, but otherwise I wouldn't give him the time of day.

 

[texan_slant]

All I can say is this -

NEVER move FOR somebody else; always do it for YOURSELF;

Next time, pose the question to yourself with regards to whether or not you'd be making the same move if you were single.

With regards to your questions, you will never know the answers. Trusting again, and getting over someone, comes with time.

If you run into the same issues with someone, you just have to tell yourself that you have to brush yourself off, get up on your feet, and move on. If it didn't work, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

[greyhorse]

If you really loved the guy you may never get over those feelings and from that viewpoint best to distance yrself from him.

Unfortuneately I always seem to fall in love with the new guy in my life and it always hurts and is annoying and frustrating when the relationship ends and I have to always question myself as to why.
But being older and wiser I know I just have to get on with life as it comes at me.
Hoping you find your soulmate at least. Cheers, G

 

[hylas]

sucks to be in your situation... but while your ex may be a jerk, you also acted foolishly, and i think there are a couple of things you can learn from this.

NEVER move FOR somebody else; always do it for YOURSELF;

this, for starters.

also, dont start a relationship as a long-distance relationship. and dont build your relationship on telecomunication. im not one of those people who decry phone/text-messages/skype/chat/facebook and such, but they should enrich your relationship, not be the foundation you build upon.


getting over an ex is always sucky and awkward, but well, itll happen if you let it. we are not completely helpless in face of our own feelings, even if it sometimes feels that way. it may take some time, but the only people who never get over somebody have issues that run deeper. if you are a healthy person, then all you need is a little patience and faith, and the willingness to let go, and itll turn out alright.

 

[rareboy]

also, dont start a relationship as a long-distance relationship. and dont build your relationship on telecomunication. im not one of those people who decry phone/text-messages/skype/chat/facebook and such, but they should enrich your relationship, not be the foundation you build upon.

I am one of those people who believe that virtual reality has fucked up a lot of potential relationships.

You just went way too far, way too fast and hopefully in the future you'll put more effort into establishing a really sound relationship with someone before you rearrange your life to suit them.

So, hopefully you've learned from this and will continue to have a great year at school. If you liked your original school better, then return there next semester or next year.

Best of luck.

 

[aijalon18]

I dont think it's always bad to move for somebody. I think it is a horrible idea to move when you are in college and switch schools for somebody. That is completely different and just wrong, wrong, wrong.

And I'm sorry but I dont think your ex is a total villain. You did something extreme foolish. But hopefully you learned something and will make better choices from now on.

And forget about how awkward it'll be when you see him. Life is awkward moments. it's not gonan kill you running into him. It is your job to be mature and move on. You have to build a good life for yourself in this new city/town. The world doesnt stop b/c you got dumped.

 

[altlover85]

I think moving for someone with the right reasonsand after having a sound relationship is okay. However, it is definitely helpful to ask "would I make the same move if I was single?" and "what has my bf shown me that would make it logical for me to move", as well as "why am I moving for him and not vice-versa?".

The first question is important for your happiness. The second question and third questions evaluate your relationship. If you are comfortable with those answers you might want to move.

There are tons of other questions to ask yourself before you make a move too. Those are just the ones off the top of my head.

Changing schools is a different thing than changing cities because it affects your future in a different way. You have to find a similar program, make new friends, work on relationships with new professors, and evaluate internship opportunities at your new school. You also have to get used to a new city.

Good luck and I hope you've learned something from this.

 

[Lamb23]

Thanks for the replies. Moving here was actually beneficial to my education because the university is better. I know I moved for the wrong reasons, but it isn't my fault that I fell so fast. And like I said before, we spent a lot of time together over the summer. More than enough time for him to come clean. But it's done, and I'm sure not going to open myself so quickly next time. Thanks again!

 

[TX-Beau]

So you started dating in June saw him sporadically over the summer, then made a huge personal sacrifice in September?

Do you see the problem there? Lesson learned, time to move on, or move back.

 

[altlover85]

I know I moved for the wrong reasons, but it isn't my fault that I fell so fast.

You need to take ownership of the fact that you fell for this guy so fast and evaluate why you did that. I know it can be easy to fall for someone, but that doesn't mean you didn't have agency in the situation. You want to make sure you learn something about yourself from this experience.

 

[backpacker]

From what you wrote, I don't get the feeling that your ex knew how he was going to feel before you moved. I think he knew he wasn't over the old guy, but probably thought pursuing you was the right way to move on.

As many visits as you had over the summer, they were just that, visits. You don't really get to know people until you see them on a daily basis for a long period of time. During your visits you were both excited to see each other and it was easy for everything to go well.

The dynamic totally changed once you moved there and for whatever reason it wasn't working for him. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either one of you. I think it really hit him hard that this move was going to finally put an end to hope for his ex and it was something he just wasn't ready for. If you take the attitude that he didn't do this intentionally, then it will be easier for you to move on. In fact, if he was lying to anyone, it was probably to himself. I get the feeling that he really didn't want to hurt you, which is why he didn't say anything until you asked.

It sucks that you made such a big change in your life, but that's how life goes sometimes. At least it's a better school, so there is something positive. Next time you will take things a little slower and get to know the other person better before making such a big move. Think of it like learning to ride a bike; you still have your relationship training wheels on. I would recommend limiting your romantic relationships to those that are local.

As far as how to handle things when you see your ex out in public, I would say hi and ask him how things are going. I get the feeling that once you guys get over the break up, you two could be friends.

By the way, I don't mean to discount how much this is hurting you. I know the breakup with your first love is extremely hard. I'm just trying to provide some prospective that hopefully will make things a little easier to deal with. I think you are more a victim of bad timing then anything. At least you didn't pick a total jerk that had been cheating on you the whole time. I wish you all the best.

 

[slnattak]

I'm sorry that happened. *hug*

You will heal it will just take time.

 

[hylas]

but it isn't my fault that I fell so fast.

you need to take responsibility for your behaviour if you want to avoid things like this in the future.