I need advice (about guilt, grandparent etc. ...)

[wikke1]

Hi everyone

I've posted a few times before.
I'm already 27, and I just came ut to close friends and my parents en siblings 2 months ago.

All reacted very positively. With my friends, I can "talk about it". With parents, I could too, I think. In any case: they were very supportive and don't treat me differently.

The first few weeks after coming out, I felt really good. Super relieved. I don't have to tell you that.

Now, some weeks down the road, it's strange, but I can't seem to "shed the guilt". For some reason I feel guilty (still, I guess it's because I have been for years and years) towards my parents. Maybe even more so, now that they've reacted so positively.

Especially with my dad (he is a great guy, I just never had a good relationship with him, probably because ofthe closet for 15 years), I just feel so "guilty". Like "I should be happy he still wants me". I feel like such little baby who needs constant reassurance ...

I should probably talk to my dad about this, but he's not much of a talker ...?



Another thing is: when coming out to my parents, I've asked them not to tell anyone else (yet). They've been very respectfull. But now, I kind of regret saying this. Because it only seems to inflict more guilt feelings inside me. Feeling like I'm asking them to "lie" for me ...

One of the dilemma's I'm currently having is telling my grandparents. Both my parents (and i too) have a good relationship with my grandparents. I only have one grandmother and one grandad left. I've never been in a relationship, and I've alway thought: "I'm not going to come out to my grandparents as long as I don't have realtionship. My straight cousins don't do it?" But now I'm not so sure anymore. It would be (I think) really hard and painfull for them, but in a way, they would only "really get to know me" ... ?

Any thougths?? Really I appreciate all replies a lot, so I'm hoping for a lot of them

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Coming out is a process that you need to take at your own pace. If you want your parents to lie and/or not tell anyone, then that's fine. It's your privacy and your business; no one else's. Considering your parents took it well, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Especially about feeling guilty. You parents seem to be understanding, so they should understand that it's tough and why you were closeted. What's important now is that you are finally able to be open, and you can move forward in the relationship.

As for your grandparents, I'm in the same boat. They don't know, and I've told my parents not to tell them, or any of my cousins. This is because they all live very far from me and I don't see them on the regular or even talk with them much on Facebook. So I don't see the need to bring it up unless I'm in a relationship. Again, it's your personal business, you handle it in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. Your feelings are entirely understandable, just don't be so hard on yourself

Btw congratulations on coming out!

 

[bw92116]

Guilty of doing what?

As far as your grandparents, if they are of a generation which was generally homophobic, it's probably better to just let it go, rather than tell them and create any bad feelings. If they ask you specifically if you are gay, then of course, tell them yes. But if they don't ask, they may not be ready, and they may never be ready. So for them I would just let it go and just love them, that's all they really want at their age. They will appreciate your love and your attention, and cherish you for that. Your private sex life will be completely irrelevant.

 

[Rolyo85]

The guilt is internalized homophobia. On some subconscious level you still think it's somehow "wrong" to be gay, and therefore have guilt about it. Try to analyze yourself and get to the bottom of why you think that, what makes you have these feelings. Once you do, you'll be able to fight back. I don't think it's likely that someone will have a more specific advice on this issue.

As for the grandparents, I am sorry for the way this is going to sound, but how long do they have? Are they in their mid 60s? Or are they in their late 70s or 80s? Because here's the thing - unlike your parents who you are by necessity extremely close to for a long time (possibly always, if you have a good relationship with them), the grandparents are people who still care a great deal about you, but aren't really a big part of your life. And at this stage of our lives, the "grandparents" generation is usually homophobic. If you think yours would be different, and/or if they are relatively younger, then by all means - fire away. But if they don't have THAT much longer, what good could come of ruining their feelings for you at the end of their lives?

Since this fall I only have one grandmother left, and I will never tell her I'm gay. I have no shame, no guilt whatsoever, and I'd be outraged at the very suggestion that I should hide my sexuality from anyone. But I think the grandparents can be an exception. If all you will cause is emotional damage to an old person, what's the point?

 

[wikke1]

The guilt is internalized homophobia. On some subconscious level you still think it's somehow "wrong" to be gay, and therefore have guilt about it. Try to analyze yourself and get to the bottom of why you think that, what makes you have these feelings. Once you do, you'll be able to fight back. I don't think it's likely that someone will have a more specific advice on this issue.

As for the grandparents, I am sorry for the way this is going to sound, but how long do they have? Are they in their mid 60s? Or are they in their late 70s or 80s? Because here's the thing - unlike your parents who you are by necessity extremely close to for a long time (possibly always, if you have a good relationship with them), the grandparents are people who still care a great deal about you, but aren't really a big part of your life. And at this stage of our lives, the "grandparents" generation is usually homophobic. If you think yours would be different, and/or if they are relatively younger, then by all means - fire away. But if they don't have THAT much longer, what good could come of ruining their feelings for you at the end of their lives?

Since this fall I only have one grandmother left, and I will never tell her I'm gay. I have no shame, no guilt whatsoever, and I'd be outraged at the very suggestion that I should hide my sexuality from anyone. But I think the grandparents can be an exception. If all you will cause is emotional damage to an old person, what's the point?

Thanks everyone, for your advice.

You're most definetly right about the internalised homophobia. I'm aware of it since the very beginning of my coming out, but it's really hard to get rid off. Instead of the feeling of "empowerment" in the first few weeks, I now feel insecure and guilty. But I won't dwell on that. I mean, I know I have to work on myself and where these feeling come from.

As to grandparents: I (used to) agree with what you say.
However, when talking about it with some friends, I found myself saying that otoh, "I want to tell my grandparents. Since I feel like my grandparents who just passed away last year, never really knew me".
I agree with the fact that "they're old, leave them in peace", but otoh, "they're old, they've have their great happily married live with 20 something grandchildren. Why shouldn't I share that one of them is gay? And let them know, even at their age, that we're part of reality too"
And, just as important, I feel that it could be important for my mom. She mentioned that she doesn't want my grandparents to find out "through the grapevine" (sic?). I feel like maybe she wants a good talk about it all with her dad and her siblings, who arn't aware right now. You see...?

Well, I'm a bit of a "thinker" and "worry-er", as you've noticed

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Wikke1,

Thanks for posting this update and great to hear that your parents and siblings are co-opertive and are supporting you.

I can imagine very well that you had asked your parents (and siblings) not to tell 'others' that you are gay. But that was some months ago, and likely at a moment that you were not yet very sure how they would react.

But I tend to think that right now the situation is changing, and in a positive way. I mean, your close relatives are aware that Wikke1 is gay, and nothing really has changed into their behaviour towards you. I tend to think that this might mean that right now is't less important that no one else knows 'the truth' about you.

People in a more wider circle (including other relatives) will wonder why you don't have a girlfriend (are not yet married). And this does not mean that you should tell anyone straightforward, but keep on hiding that you are gay is also not a very good way.

How good is the relationship between your parents and your grandparents? I tend to think that your parents might also discuss this kind of items (so telling them that you are gay, so will not get married with a girl) with them, giving that they have a good relationship with them.

Be aware that it is right now 2012. I think you are living in the US, and there is often news on TV (etc.) about a variety of gay items (eg same sex marriage, the end of DADT in the army, and so on). Are your grandparents relifundi's? How good is your contact with your grandparents?

So maybe your mom should tell her parent that her beloved son (=Wikke1) recently has told her that he is a gay, and that she and her husband (and your siblings etc.) are fine with that, are supporting you (etc.). How about this idea? Ofcourse, you can also tell her, or even both of you together?

I fully agree with you that it is important to tell your grandparents that you are gay, especially when you have a good relationship with them, and when they know quite alot about you. Being gay is a key item of your personality, and there is also nothing wrong with being gay.
Besides that, I am around 100% sure that both of your grandparents will wonder why you still don't have a girlfriend / plans to get marrried (and so on). Well, telling them that you are gay (and hopefully soon get a boyfriend, and that this means that you won't introduce a girlfriend to them, but -hopefully- soon a boyfriend) is just a matter of being honest to them, and telling something to them which is right now important.

Anyway, I would like to wish you good luck. Do you have some gay friends in your real life (or straight friends) with whom you can discuss this kind of feelings?

Take care & best wishes

 

[KaraBulut]

Now, some weeks down the road, it's strange, but I can't seem to "shed the guilt". For some reason I feel guilty (still, I guess it's because I have been for years and years) towards my parents. Maybe even more so, now that they've reacted so positively.

Especially with my dad (he is a great guy, I just never had a good relationship with him, probably because ofthe closet for 15 years), I just feel so "guilty". Like "I should be happy he still wants me". I feel like such little baby who needs constant reassurance ...

I should probably talk to my dad about this, but he's not much of a talker ...?

While coming out is primarily a selfish act, one of the by-products is that it enables you to have the option of a closer, more honest relationship with your family.

With this closet issue out of the way, you have the opportunity to change the relationship with your father. If you want a closer relationship with him, tell him. Very few fathers would ever give up the opportunity to have a closer relationship with their sons.

Guilt serves little purpose if you're looking at events in your past. You can only change the present and to a limited extent, the future.

 

[Rolyo85]

20 grandchildren?! Wow, that's... prolific.

Well, in that case, and especially if the info will get to them, it's best you told them, and asap. In my situation my grandma has nowhere to hear it from, and she only has me and my sister in terms of grandchildren, so...

 

[Seasoned]

Ask your mom if she means you ought to tell your grandparents. While you control your coming out, you'll know her thoughts and feelings.

I never agree that gay acceptance is generational. We have allies in all age catagories. I hope your grandparents are in that catagory.

 

[Deandbn]

Geez Bud, what exactly is it that you want to tell your grandparents. I dont think that they would want to know the gory details of your sexuality anyway. Do they tell you who they sleep with. No, nd do they want to know who you sleep with, No.

So...
If one day you get yourself a boyfriend, just introduce him as a friend, and i am sure your grandparents will accept him graciously as such.

Dude you are worrying about things that may never happen, and if they did, well you still got nothing to feel guilty about. Why? because you have not done anything wrong, thats why.

 

[wikke1]

Ask your mom if she means you ought to tell your grandparents. While you control your coming out, you'll know her thoughts and feelings.

I never agree that gay acceptance is generational. We have allies in all age catagories. I hope your grandparents are in that catagory.

For those interested, I have a little update.

In (I think) May 2012, my mum told her father, my granddad (I wasn't there with them, and she had asked me first).
Apparently, he reacted very nice. He said he haid a suspition for a few years, and that he had prayed that I would come out of the closet and learn to love myself.
He then told my aunts/uncles (which I'm fine with, makes it a lot easier). The next family gathering, I had an aunt "congratulating" me, and some other uncles/aunts giving me subtle signals that they were fine with it.

Now for my dad's mother, my grandmother. My dad had told my mum (not me) that he didn't want to tell her. He wanted me to take responsability and tell her if and when I felt ready.
Now my grandma lives +/- 100 miles away, so it's not like I meet her every day. Well, coincidence had it, that for my job, I had to be near her house, and I asked her if I could stay at her house for one night. This was last week. So I gathered my courage and told her. She was very supportive yet very surprised. "She never would have guessed". But she said all the things I wanted to hear. (I can accept it; It is not your "choice"; Your happiness is the most important; ...) And then, she stuffed me with food, as grandma's do. I also asked her if she would tell my 5 aunts. That way, it would make family meetings more easy on me.
Apparently, she did, because the past week I've been getting text messages and postcards from nieces and nephews (whom I would never expect it from).
My aunt sent me a card with the following text, which I'll try to translate (will loose all poetry value though ):

There's a time for everything

A time to speak passionately
And a time to be all ears
A time to taste the silence
And a time to celebrate life to the fullest

A time to fight with tenacity
And a time to tenderly embrace
A time to be very cloes to one and other
And a time to only "wait and know"

A time to be captivated by your wildest dreams
And a time to come back home to reality
A time to look for nothing but firm ground
And a time to sail away with confidence
(based on"Ecclesistes" - the Bible)




Keep in mind both sides of the family are VERY Catholic, and both my grandparents are over 80y/o.
So I'm glad to agree that acceptance is not generational.

WHat a lucky bastard I am, right

 

[Rickrock]

Right, you are a lucky guy. Thank God for some families.

- - - Updated - - -

P.S. Thanks for sharing.