I need advice on being more assertive & aggressive in the bedroom

[rl3311]

Hey wassup my JUB family I need some much needed advice on being more assertive & aggressive in the bedroom my partner of 13 years has express to me that he wants me to
be more assertive when it comes to sex in the bedroom I have never initiate sex before
not even in my past relationship all my other relationship the guys initiate sex or let me know they wanted to mess around, this problem has cause us not to have what little sex we did have regularly.

I'm not a aggressive person so I'm not sure how to start without it feeling awkward or fake
or phony. We are a unique couple and our sex life is the same way we only have oral sex whether sucking cock and licking ass that all we have ever done no penetration we have try but its never work out we brought some dildos and lube to practice with but we both was not mentally ready for that. I'm not sure what I can do or how to start so please any and advice and opinion I'm open to just please don't be mean or rude.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't worry about meanness or rudeness on this forum.

I think the most difficult thing for you will be thinking and planning while not horny because you may judge yourself and possibly feel scared or silly. What some prep landing can do is give you some ideas of things to try while you are being passionate. You have your 13 year history to fallback on so its ok if you experiment and find something to be not to your liking or silly or stupid or laughable.

The fact that you're already licking butt will help with dildo play. Having lube and a reasonable size dildo (or a series of sizes) out of sight but within reach while going down on him could be a good start. Avoiding his cock and balls while spending time kissing, licking and teasing his butt long enough to tease him into wanting more is the perfect time to start with a finger, then fingers and finally the dildo(s). While kissing, licking and fingering tell him how sexy his ass is and how much it turns you on making him squirm. Telling him to grab his ankles and spread his legs wider or to get on his knees and spread his cheeks or any other commands puts you in charge. Having him unable to see exactly what you are doing to him can also be a big turn on for him.

Just a couple of ideas--have fun and don't judge him or yourself.

 

[kallipolis]

Avoid being aggressive in, or out of the bedroom....unless, you are a practitioner of a martial art...to be used in self defence.

Never feel obliged to imitate the activitities of those actors employed making pornographic films. Fitting into a stereotype is for those who lack sufficient mental inspiration to fulfil their sexual fantasies. Try bringing to life your mental imagery of what ever you feel would satisfy you, and your partner. You know your partner better than anyone on this site.

After thirteen years with your partner it would seem to me that both of you should be doing whatever comes naturally.

 

[badbug]

Howdy,

I sometimes have this same issue, aswell as its opposite. Lets just say i have a somewhat unique psychological profile, but i really relate to "without it feeling fake and phony".


Whether i am forcing myself to be less assertive or more assertive, whenever i am aware i am thinking and not acting i do get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that i am somehow being dishonest. It's silly but it can be startling. People don't like doing things outside their comfort zone, especially when it comes to personal identity which a lot of us have wrapped up in our sexual identities.


The clear difference here, is you want to be more assertive right? Like you are searching for ways to be? So there's nothing wrong with wanting to learn a new skill, and that's all this is. Don't let the idea of the fact it's happening in the bedroom make it any different than if it was happening on the basketball court or the football field.


"Fake it til you make it" That's basically it. Look at it like you are playing a character, you're you after drinking some more assertive potion! and go about it. It will probably feel silly, but dammit you are an actor, sir! Do it for the theatre!

Really though, think of what you believe a more assertive person would be doing, and emulate that.


I once asked a person advice about how they are so assertive in bed, and their answer was: "i just do what i want, i don't ask"


So it will feel awkward and fake at first, it's your job to push through that, taking it seriously that you are playing a role and are no longer you, you are a new version of yourself...believe in the new version. Give yourself a little time frame, 20 minutes or 30 minutes, where you are the character....it'll probably feel like work, because it is. You are practising. Like anything, you'll get better at it if you keep at it.


Give it a try. Give yourself a little speech in the mirror before sexy time and go at it. It will feel fake and phony, be ok with that and commit to the character.

Keep us updated. : )

 

[KaraBulut]

...partner of 13 years has express to me that he wants me to be more assertive when it comes to sex ...

Has your partner been more specific about what he means by "being more assertive"? Does he mean that he wants you to initiate sex more? Does he mean that he wants you to be more open to new things?

Or is this more about the emotional side of things- where he is looking for assurance that you find him attractive and want to have sex with him?

 

[bankside]

Hey wassup my JUB family I need some much needed advice on being more assertive & aggressive in the bedroom my partner of 13 years has express to me that he wants me to
be more assertive when it comes to sex in the bedroom I have never initiate sex before
not even in my past relationship all my other relationship the guys initiate sex or let me know they wanted to mess around, this problem has cause us not to have what little sex we did have regularly.

I'm not a aggressive person so I'm not sure how to start without it feeling awkward or fake
or phony. We are a unique couple and our sex life is the same way we only have oral sex whether sucking cock and licking ass that all we have ever done no penetration we have try but its never work out we brought some dildos and lube to practice with but we both was not mentally ready for that. I'm not sure what I can do or how to start so please any and advice and opinion I'm open to just please don't be mean or rude.

He might not need you to be an aggressive person, but he probably needs to know you are a horny person. Start initiating sex.

 

[badbug]

hey, where's the update?

I gave you some free "you can only get this type of advice from a psycho" gold there, i want to know if you tried to use it?

 

[rl3311]

Has your partner been more specific about what he means by "being more assertive"? Does he mean that he wants you to initiate sex more? Does he mean that he wants you to be more open to new things?

Or is this more about the emotional side of things- where he is looking for assurance that you find him attractive and want to have sex with him?

Yes he wanted me to be more assertive and initiate sex more in the bedroom, I use to do that a lot and got cheated I would suck his dick until he cums and then he wouldn't do anything to me and I have discuss it with him and it would lead to a argument because his response would be oh your a man you know once you cum ''that it'' you don't really want to do anything after you bust a nut and I get that, but I feel like this if I suck your cock first thing in the morning you could return the favor later on in the day hell I'll take you licking my ass for a while which he knows I love, so it been a ongoing issue and for that reason I had stop initiating partly because of the sucking of his cock and he doesn't want to do anything to me afterwards I will admit I shut down and just started watching more porn and getting my self off.

 

[rl3311]

hey, where's the update?

I gave you some free "you can only get this type of advice from a psycho" gold there, i want to know if you tried to use it?

Hi Badbug

Thank you for your advise I haven't try anything yet I've just been trying to read all the feedback before I decide how to proceed. Trust me I will be posting updates I know I can't be the only one with bedroom issue and maybe my issue mite help someone else out.

 

[rl3311]

Update

My partner and I have a mutual close gay friend stayed with us over the weekend who my partner had discuss our bedroom issues with (I wasn't around) Our friend said we need to come up with a fantasy/ sex jar with two different colors of paper and we should both fill the jar with idea and sexual act that we want done or try. If the jar is displayed on the Dresser then that mean someone want to get into something this could at least help us get started he also suggest that we pull out the dildos and try them but those Dildo are so big and we are both so tight I don't want to hurt or injure him and I know he feels the same way. I did suck his dick a few days ago because he turn me on being aggressive coming out of the bathroom hard a rock telling he knows I want to suck it which I did I love sucking dick its my specialty. I'm getting the courage to do something bold I want to take a shower go down stairs naked and lay back in the chair pull my legs back to my chest take both hands and open my cheeks showing my tight hole and tell him to come lick my ass what do you guys think?

 

[badbug]

Yeah.

There is an old, ancient, saying: "strike your iron when it is glowing hot"


Do it. Be bold, and don't take no for an answer.