i need advice!!

[irishinvader]

hey everyone, (this is my first thread just an fyi)

so i'm 18 soon to be 19, at college and for all of you college kids or recent grads out there, you know it's finals time. and that is the problem right now, timing. i met this guy who is not only fucking GORGEOUS but he is also hilarious and a deep thinker, he's a great guy all in all. the problem is that him and i are both busy with finals and i came SO CLOSE to asking him out and then i chickened out. there are some very good reasons though. first, no one, except for one girl who no one else knows, knows that i am bi but i'm not even sure if i am. confusing i know. two, i have no idea if he likes me at all like that. three, if he said no, all of his friends, who are my friends would find out about it and i would cause a great fiasco for no reason. and four, if he said yes, the timing is still crap! i wouldn't see him for a month, right after going out on a date and i don't think that is a good idea. ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

like i kinda said before, i'm still trying to figure out who i am as an individual, whether i am straight, bi or gay although i really don't think i am gay. if something happens between us and it becomes serious, i'm nervous about telling people only because i am not 100% sure about my sexuality. i am very much attracted to men, but only certain types and could never imagine myself in a relationship although this guy is very unique and it might be more than a physical attraction, but i am also very attracted to women and have been in love once with a girl. i'm with almost everyone when i say that i don't like the labels but in order to tell people, i need some something to explain my thoughts and feelings. and i don't want to tell people i am bi and start drama if i am only physically attracted to some men. i would consider that being a sexually open person, tell me if you think i'm wrong though.

honestly, i don't know what i'm expecting anyone to say. i'm probably going to hear, "you have to wait and maybe talk to him while your not going to see him" or "sorry, but i don't even know what you said!" which would be ok because it is 2 in the morning and i'm not sure if what i said makes sense. but maybe, just maybe, someone has a piece of advice that would really open my mind to something new. don't hesitate to ask any questions because all i want is some sort of guidance from people who have been in my situation before.

 

[bluepheonix]

Ok, first question, do you know if he's gay/bi himself, or are you going from the urge that you want to ask him out, theres nothing wrong with either way but it might change how you approach it. Also are you already friends with him or is he someone you've noticed from afar?

As for your identity question, I get that you don't like labels but in many ways they help you to feel more secure in yourself because they help breakdown the imposed expectation of what you are. You have two options as far as I see it, you can tell people your bi, and work through any 'drama' that comes along with it, or you can just date whoever you feel attracted to and let others work it out for themselves, again advantages and disadvantages for both.

I get the feeling your somewhat apprehensive about the whole liking guys side of things, what would you say you feel about that. At the end of the day, if your only physically attracted to some men, your still attracted to men, thats not a bad thing, and it certainly doesnt make you a 'sexually open person,' it just means you're attracted to different people, a completely neutral character trait, you still control how you act and how you approach relationships to people you're attracted to.

 

[neoachilles]

I know where you're coming from, Irish. I'm bi myself, and there are times when I don't know what the hell I want. I'm only a couple of years older than you are, and still trying to define myself. But it's alright--the way I see it, my happily ever after may easily lie with either a man or a woman. Either way is fine for me. Don't worry so much about labeling yourself, just go where your heart takes you.

Now, about your situation, yeah, I'm going to advise you to wait a little. With all the stress of finals, and going home for the holidays, now may not be the best time to try to start something, especially if you're not sure that he's into you.

Since you're not out, and you're worried about being outed before you're ready, I say hold off on things. Over the holidays, keep in touch with him, you know, e-mailing or texting when you have the chance. Put a couple feelers out there, to see where things stand between the two of you. Nothing serious, just see if he might be interested. If he is, fantastic--set up something for when vacation is over. On the other hand, if he's not into you, you could ask him to be discrete, because you're not ready to have the world know your business.

No matter the outcome, have no fear. You are at a point in your life where the world is nothing but possibilities waiting to be realized. If things don't pan out the way you would want them to, rest assured, there will be other opportunities. I hope that helps you some.

 

[KaraBulut]

like i kinda said before, i'm still trying to figure out who i am as an individual, whether i am straight, bi or gay although i really don't think i am gay. if something happens between us and it becomes serious, i'm nervous about telling people only because i am not 100% sure about my sexuality. i am very much attracted to men, but only certain types and could never imagine myself in a relationship although this guy is very unique and it might be more than a physical attraction, but i am also very attracted to women and have been in love once with a girl.

It's a little unfair to involve another person in your confusion- whether they are male or female.

This might be a good time for you to do a little thinking about yourself and what you want- before you do anything.

 

[irishinvader]

thanks for the advice everyone! to answer a couple of your questions.

blue pheonix, he is openly gay and single. i met him rather recently, within the past couple of weeks, but he is friends with some of my friends. all i've done is hang out with him in larger groups and talk online.

moltenrock, i really don't think i am gay but if i was i wouldn't have a problem with it. the thing i don't want to do is go out with a guy, tell everyone i am gay, and find out along the way that it's not me. but you do bring up a very good point with the timing is never great, thanks.

neoachilles, one of the things i am greatly worried about is this not being where my heart takes me but where my penis does. he is the first person to date that i know is gay, single and that i find attractive and i don't know whether i like him BECAUSE of that or whether i like him because he is a great person and just happens to be gay and available. i have some friends who are very very very attractive but i don't have any feelings for them and they are adamantly straight. i'm trying to determine the causation for it all because being with a guy is something that i have wanted for a long time and never had the opportunity to; however, it was only sexually and this guy is more than that.

karabulut, you bring up a realllly good point that i hadn't thought of either. thanks

thanks everyone! this has given me a lot to think about and i'm very glad i posted this thread. but if anyone else has an opinion please let me know! thanks again so much <3

p.s. why don't they have a heart emoticon? i find that kinda odd

 

[Lube]

As someone else said, there's never a "good time" for a relationship. Life is messy. Just go for it.

Your bigger issue is your identity.

If ever there is a time that it's OK to experiment sexually, it's college-age years! So what are you so afraid of? You don't have to "come out" as gay--just say you're experimenting. Because that's exactly what you're doing.

But I can almost guarantee that you're gay.

One more thing to think about: Do you ever hear str8 guys argue about which women are cute?

Of course you do. Likewise, gay guys argue about who they think is hot. Gay guys do not think all guys are hot. So just because you don't think all guys are hot, does not make you not gay.

It took me a while to figure out that I like Bears (and cubs and otters and wolves and...), i.e., hairy guys (facial hair especially). It doesn't mean I'm not gay 'cause I don't like smooth guys. Far from it! LOL

 

[KaraBulut]

p.s. why don't they have a heart emoticon? i find that kinda odd

This one works just as well: