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I Need Advice....

R

rmfnb24

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Please don't be judgmental of my situation. I've been with my fiance now for nearly four years.

At the start of the relationship he would jerk off on his own. Then it went from porn to caming to pic exchanges to texting an old hook up buddy in secret. Needless to say I found out about all of this. So I told him he could not jerk off alone anymore. That lasted about 3 years. Now he's gone back to getting back to "having the option to get off". He tells me he has not done anything solo. But when we go weeks without doing anything and the day we do the lube bottle was moved I started to wonder - its now been bugging me non stop for two days. My question is how do I get over this. Please help and I need real advice please and I need someone to understand where I am coming from so I know I am not crazy.

Thank you -
Rob
 
He cheated. You are trying to control his sexual behavior, thinking that it will control the cheating.

You have the right concern but it's about the wrong behavior.

Underneath this is the fact that you don't trust him to remain faithful. You would be better off confronting the cheating issue and defining what "cheating" and "faithful" means to the two of you.

Let him beat off in private and define what is acceptable in his private sex life away from you. For some couples, that means fantasies are okay. For other couples, that means watching porn is okay. For some couples, it goes as far as "you can have one-night stands or we can have 3-ways together". The key is to get rid of the lying and the cheating and to define what "trust" means in your relationship.
 
rmfnb24 said:
But when we go weeks without doing anything and the day we do the lube bottle was moved I started to wonder - its now been bugging me non stop for two days. My question is how do I get over this. Please help and I need real advice please and I need someone to understand where I am coming from so I know I am not crazy.

Thank you -
Rob
Click to expand...

From this do you mean neither of you have done anything sexually for weeks alone ? You must both have a very low sex drive and I am not surprised your partner finds a need to jerk off !
 
Open up a line of communication with him regarding your concern. That's going to be tough given your past demand. Attempting to control a loved one because of fear or "knowing" what is best for him is co-dependency. He'll be afraid or reluctant to admit what he's been doing so you'll need to assure him that it's safe to do so meaning no going crazy or being punitive.

I've been with my husband for 30 years and we are both committed to making our relationship and ourselves healthy and sane. To do that we've gone to couple's counseling several times and sometimes for long periods of time when issues arise that we've haven't been able to fix on our own.
 
To stop this behavior, suck him off every morning and have sex with him before going to bed and during lunch or in between. You are not giving him enough sex.
 
It is perfectly ok for him to masterbate. His interaction with other people is really the problem. You cant stop him from jerking off. I totally understand that it bothers you when he texts and cams with other people, I would consider that cheating also, but give the guy a break. Our bodies are our own. You should both be able to masterbate to porn just like every other human being with a cell phone does (male and female). You really cant control what other people do, just how you react to it. Let the guy have his porn, as long as it doesn't involve other people.
 
rmfnb24 said:
Please don't be judgmental of my situation. I've been with my fiance now for nearly four years.

At the start of the relationship he would jerk off on his own. Then it went from porn to caming to pic exchanges to texting an old hook up buddy in secret. Needless to say I found out about all of this. So I told him he could not jerk off alone anymore. That lasted about 3 years. Now he's gone back to getting back to "having the option to get off". He tells me he has not done anything solo. But when we go weeks without doing anything and the day we do the lube bottle was moved I started to wonder - its now been bugging me non stop for two days. My question is how do I get over this. Please help and I need real advice please and I need someone to understand where I am coming from so I know I am not crazy.

Thank you -
Rob
Click to expand...

You don't trust him. That shows with how you've had incredibly puritanical and controlling "rules" for him for 3 years. You need better communication and you need to trust each other. I would suggest counseling but if you can't get that, have a sit down where you put everything on the table. Tell him everything that you feel and let him know he should do the same and that you will not judge him or react negatively in any way.

I think that's the only way for your relationship to recover.
 
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