I need family advice.

[Soulis]

I have a father who is an ignorant homophobic bigot, he uses religion (he's not religious) to justify his ignorance, his family is religious and they have the same attitude he does. So, my problem is that I thought it wouldn't bother me not coming out to them and all that's done is make me feel anxious. Knowing how they are, how do I navigate this situation, how do I come out to these people in a way that will help them understand that the only choice in this matter is whether or not I come out to them? In other words, people of faith don't realize that having an interest in members of the same sex is not a choice. Any advice would greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[Soulis]

... would be greatly appreciated*

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

I come from a devout Catholic family myself, and still attend Mass "religiously" (no pun intended) because I want to. I came out as being bisexual when I was 17, on my b-day in front of all my family and assembled friends. Lol, most thought I was just joking around and just being silly me. Days and even weeks later, I assured them that I was indeed bi.

To this day, mom firmly believes that I am merely just going through a phase and will "come to my senses." Alas, I digress, I came out as being totally gay when I was 22, and for over a year, my step-father didn't talk to me, and mom only when she had to. I'm sure she felt like she did something wrong, despite my assurances to the contrary.

I cannot advise you one way or the other, as each family is different. When I was attending university out in San Diego, I met homeless teenagers that were literally kicked out of their family homes because of being gay. Mine tolerated me and are still just coming to accept. Only you can gauge what would be appropriate.

Sometimes, some things are best left to yourself (e.g. being a Republican in a house / family of Democrats for example). I believe that we come out, we come out for ourselves, not for family or friends. I came out for shock value firmly believing that I was bi with more of a leaning towards girls ... thankfully, I got to taste some more delicious cock before committing myself to that nasty snatch. lol

I urge you to tread lightly and trust your instinct.

 

[Lube]

I have a father who is an ignorant homophobic bigot, he uses religion (he's not religious) to justify his ignorance, his family is religious and they have the same attitude he does. So, my problem is that I thought it wouldn't bother me not coming out to them and all that's done is make me feel anxious. Knowing how they are, how do I navigate this situation, how do I come out to these people in a way that will help them understand that the only choice in this matter is whether or not I come out to them? In other words, people of faith don't realize that having an interest in members of the same sex is not a choice. Any advice would greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

It basically comes down to financial independence.

You don't come out in order to change people. You come out to just be who you are--you do it for you.

 

[Theit10101]

It basically comes down to financial independence.

You don't come out in order to change people. You come out to just be who you are--you do it for you.

I love your quote but what if you are afraid of the consequences? I always said I was going to wait until college to come out but I realized I still live at home. I think I wont fully be able to come out until I move out which will prob be a couple of years from now. I'm dying inside but the thoughts of future consequences are killing me faster.

 

[Soulis]

It basically comes down to financial independence.

You don't come out in order to change people. You come out to just be who you are--you do it for you.

I wanted make something clear here, I'm not coming out in hopes of changing the minds of my family members. It's more of a, "Hey just a heads up in case I bring a man home some time to meet the family." kind of thing.

Who knows, this feeling of insecurity tied to my family, it's really the only thing holding me back from being me, and I feel that the only way to get rid of the insecurity is to confront it and get it off my chest.

Is there a better way that I'm not thinking of to lose this fear?

As far as financial independence goes it's a non-issue.

Thanks for all the replies by the way! I appreciate the time.

-B

 

[rareboy]

Well, the first thing to do is to get religion on your side so that you can present intelligent counter arguments to a couple of Bible verses.

Remember that the judeo-christian God and Christ had absolutely nothing to say about homos. But the same guys that did some chattering, supposedly on their behalf, also had a lot to say about things that your parents and family likely do wrong every day as well.

It is quite possible that your homophobe father will convert once he knows his own son loves dick. A lot of them have.

It is his job to love his children unconditionally. If he can't do that, you haven't lost much.

 

[KaraBulut]

So, my problem is that I thought it wouldn't bother me not coming out to them and all that's done is make me feel anxious. Knowing how they are, how do I navigate this situation, how do I come out to these people in a way that will help them understand that the only choice in this matter is whether or not I come out to them?

In your first post, you talked about your family's bigotry and homophobia.

The first question for you- what kind of future relationship do you want with your family?

 

[Lube]

I love your quote but what if you are afraid of the consequences? I always said I was going to wait until college to come out but I realized I still live at home. I think I wont fully be able to come out until I move out which will prob be a couple of years from now. I'm dying inside but the thoughts of future consequences are killing me faster.

Well, it's financial independence--or balls!

It really depends on what you think your parents will do. Typically, it's not nearly as severe as guys think.

But, I won't deny that even today sometimes bad things happen and guys get thrown out or worse.

What kind of credibility do you give your parents?

 

[Lube]

I wanted make something clear here, I'm not coming out in hopes of changing the minds of my family members. It's more of a, "Hey just a heads up in case I bring a man home some time to meet the family." kind of thing.

Who knows, this feeling of insecurity tied to my family, it's really the only thing holding me back from being me, and I feel that the only way to get rid of the insecurity is to confront it and get it off my chest.

Is there a better way that I'm not thinking of to lose this fear?

As far as financial independence goes it's a non-issue.

Thanks for all the replies by the way! I appreciate the time.

-B

You're welcome!

So you're saying you are financially independent? Then what's stopping you? They might not like you (probably only for a while)--so what? As an adult, you find out lots of people won't like you (hey, look at my reputation on JUB! ).

So what? You have to state what you believe. You have to like yourself.

And living openly as a gay man--regardless of what other people think--it's the best display of truly liking and loving yourself.

 

[G-Lexington]

Why would you want to bring somebody home to meet these people? Yeah, they're related to you, but as things stand right now, they're going to be openly hostile. So just don't. Date who you want, and if your father starts getting curious as to whether you're dating, you can tell him "you've made it pretty clear you wouldn't be happy with who I'm dating, so I've chosen not to involve you in that part of my life".

Lex

 

[Soulis]

You're welcome!

So you're saying you are financially independent? Then what's stopping you? They might not like you (probably only for a while)--so what? As an adult, you find out lots of people won't like you (hey, look at my reputation on JUB! ).

So what? You have to state what you believe. You have to like yourself.

And living openly as a gay man--regardless of what other people think--it's the best display of truly liking and loving yourself.

Yes, I'm financially independent. What's stopping me really is their religious beliefs and the fallout from it I'm sure will ensue. I have a new update however, I came out to my mom and my sister on my mom's side of the family and they were totally understanding and they both emphasized that they will love me no matter what. What I'm thinking is that since I have one side of my family with me perhaps I should disregard the other irrational side.

 

[Soulis]

Why would you want to bring somebody home to meet these people? Yeah, they're related to you, but as things stand right now, they're going to be openly hostile. So just don't. Date who you want, and if your father starts getting curious as to whether you're dating, you can tell him "you've made it pretty clear you wouldn't be happy with who I'm dating, so I've chosen not to involve you in that part of my life".

Lex

You know sometimes I wonder why the hell I would even want to bring someone into the dragon's lair, but you know what, these people, my family should accept me for who I am and not who they think I should be. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

 

[Soulis]

In your first post, you talked about your family's bigotry and homophobia.

The first question for you- what kind of future relationship do you want with your family?

I want to have the same relationship that I have with them now, I just don't want there to be any issues when I do find a partner and attend a family gathering. haha. My hope has always been that they will see things differently once they find out that one of their own is gay.

 

[Soulis]

Well, the first thing to do is to get religion on your side so that you can present intelligent counter arguments to a couple of Bible verses.

Remember that the judeo-christian God and Christ had absolutely nothing to say about homos. But the same guys that did some chattering, supposedly on their behalf, also had a lot to say about things that your parents and family likely do wrong every day as well.

It is quite possible that your homophobe father will convert once he knows his own son loves dick. A lot of them have.

It is his job to love his children unconditionally. If he can't do that, you haven't lost much.

I'm glad you brought this up. I've read the Book of Moron, the Old and New Testaments and the Qur'an. With that said, I've tried this tactic and to no avail their ace in hole is this, "I have faith in what I believe." There's no way to counter faith it seems. It's their trump card for every argument. If you ask me it's a cop-out.

Yes I agree and not only should he love me unconditionally like my mother and sister do, so should the rest of my family.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>You know sometimes I wonder why the hell I would even want to bring someone into the dragon's lair, but you know what, these people, my family should accept me for who I am and not who they think I should be. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

That's totally fine if you want to confront them on it. But I'd make sure to do it long before you decide to bring a boyfriend home. There's no reason to make him face the slings and arrows because you put off coming out to the family. If you're gonna do it, do it beforehand.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

But I'd make sure to do it long before you decide to bring a boyfriend home. There's no reason to make him face the slings and arrows because you put off coming out to the family. If you're gonna do it, do it beforehand.

^QFT

It would be unfair to everyone to put a boyfriend in the middle of your family drama.

Either settle this beforehand or stay closeted as far as your family is concerned.

 

[rareboy]

If you can't counter what they believe than you just may have to accept that your relationship with them may be minimal and not very productive.

But why would you hold yourself hostage to this. While you may feel a real sense of loss, there are other people out there that can be as close, if not closer than blood relations. They can be your new family.