I need help with a relationship issue... :(

[Volleyboy21]

Haven't posted in forever, been busy with a new boyfriend, new job, etc etc. ...Anyways..

Title really says it all. I'm completely stumped on what to do, and I love the guy I'm with more than anything. I'm looking for advice, be as honest as you can please.

My back story (abridged version):

• Twenty-two years old.
• Recently out.
• Have had two serious relationships prior to this one, one gay; one straight.
• Love this man more than anything, like I've stated earlier.

I've been seeing this guy for 14 months, I'll call him Tim for ease of drawing you a picture. Tim and I met playing a recreational sport in the city I live in, and were instantly drawn together. When we met, he was getting out of a two year relationship. We hung out, got to know each other, became friends, became more than friends, I fell in love, so did he. Honestly, Tim had commitment issues, we've been together for 14 months, and we're not official or anything -- but that's okay, because when I'm with him, I'm estatic; He's the man I love, and will love for the rest of my life.

Months and months had gone by, I thought everything was going GREAT until last week, he told me that he just "doesn't care", about our relationship. He's said that work comes first, etc etc. BUT, he says he still loves me.

I took offense to what he said, probably said a few things I shouldn't have -- but I was like, absolutely CRUSHED by what he said. We got over it, worked through it -- continued being in our relationship, figuring what had happened was a tiny bump in the path.

Tonight, he started saying the same stuff. We talked for an hour in my car. I asked him questions like, "Why do you feel that way?", "What can we do to fix this relationship?" -- and all I got in response was "Do what you want.", "I don't know if there's anything that can be done."

He claims he still loves me -- I believe him. He claims he doesn't care, but I know it's not true because he calls me everyday to talk/tell me he loves me, he takes me out to eat, we see each other everyday, and he sleeps over just about every night. If you didn't care about someone, you wouldn't do relationship-like things with them, or honestly -- keep them in your life.

The relationship Tim was in before he met me was HIGHLY sexual, basically built around sex. They lived nearly 1 1/2 hours away from each other, so they'd see one another MAYBE once a week. In MY eyes, at least, a relationship should not be BUILT around something like sex -- that SCREAMS unhealthy to me. Didn't seem like a genuine relationship to me.

Now, Tim and I have sex on occasion. It's not really on the forefront of our minds because we see each other all of the time, and would honestly rather just cuddle up and watch a movie, or go for a walk outside. He has said before that this is the closest thing to a 'real relationship' that he'd had. A functional, healthy boyfriend-boyfriend gay relationship.

So, in my head, since I VERY OFTEN over analyze things -- I think he's trying to push me away by saying he doesn't care, because he's scared of having a REAL relationship. Which, is confusing in itself. But, it makes sense in my head.

I've been tearing myself apart since he said what he did, and I don't know how to approach the situation to even START making it better, and I'm coming to JUB because I have a feeling you guys will have some great advice.

I love this guy more than anything, and I'd be willing to do anything for him.

I just need some help.


-Volleyboy21

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, first off, there is no such thing as a “real” relationship; there is only the relationship you have.

The really odd thing you said is that you’ve been “together” for 14 months and you’re not “official” what do you mean by that? Not monogamous, not dating?

If you’re not “official” in some way in his head, it might not be surprising that he’s not taking you seriously.

Have you had the “official,” conversation with him?

 

[Volleyboy21]

OK, first off, there is no such thing as a “real” relationship; there is only the relationship you have.

The really odd thing you said is that you’ve been “together” for 14 months and you’re not “official” what do you mean by that? Not monogamous, not dating?

If you’re not “official” in some way in his head, it might not be surprising that he’s not taking you seriously.

Have you ha the “official,” conversation with him?

I guess I explained it poorly, we're completely monogamous, just don't have a 'title' so to speak. We're not boyfriends, but we act like we are.

We've had the talk about it, and he simply says he isn't ready.

But, like I said earlier, I'm very very happy being together.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, so he's not your boyfriend?

Sugar, after 14 months, you need a clarification. Has he at least, explicitly agreed to be monogamous?

I'm going to have to leave you there for now, it's very late where I am an I have to get up.

 

[Volleyboy21]

OK, so he's not your boyfriend?

Sugar, after 14 months, you need a clarification. Has he at least, explicitly agreed to be monogamous?

I'm going to have to leave you there for now, it's very late where I am an I have to get up.

. Yes, we're completely monogamous.

 

[CHUCK905]

I also have to go to bed (alone). But briefly you seem to have the perfect storm of one who is commitment-phobic and the other who wants/needs a title.

I'm a little confused by your post, it seems that you have a pretty good relationship but all you're missing is the BF title. He seems to have the perfect relationship but doesn't want to admit that he's in one.

Maybe you should relax about the BF title and he might come around to admitting that he has one. That's the best I can do at 5 AM. Sorry.

 

[asu1117]

How can you be monogamous but not be boyfriends? That doesn't make sense to me..

 

[CHUCK905]

One last thing, if he was just coming out of a bad 2-year relationship when you met, that may explain his being gun shy about calling what have a relationship.

 

[Volleyboy21]

But, he says he does not care, and that is the main issue that is bothering me. Just recently he started taking on this attitude about our relationship.

 

[Volleyboy21]

Well, the whole issue is that I don't want to lose him.

I don't understand how he can love me, but not care about our relationship at the same time. It seems that his views completely counteract eachother.

 

[TX-Beau]

Usually the guys who come in here have the opposite problem, they're buying wedding rings after the first daate and wondering why the other guy ran.

Well obviously he's not running, and he does care, you're monogamous, he agreed to that, you're "together," he agreed to that, if I'm getting this right all he didn't agree to do was accept the nomenclature.

It's kind of an odd hang up - I'll grant you, but if you have everything but the name, ask yourself why that's important to you, then you have to decide.

 

[slnattak]

I think your problem is this:

It's obvious you two really care about one another. That's great. But at the same time, human beings just aren't naturally monogamous. We just aren't. That's why husbands with wives in the suburbs can love their wives dearly but still love jacking off to porn every night. A different girl for the day depending on their mood. They tell themselves it's not cheating because there's no actual physical contact, but they still need different people for their own sexual needs.

And that's why having random hook ups is thrilling but heartless- and having a long-term, committed relationship is heartful- but not thrilling.

Most people hate having to choose between their heart and their (other) head. Most of us want somebody to care about our hearts, as well as experience the intense rush you can only get from smaller encounters. Most of us want to have that ideal in one person, but we always end up falling short. "Okay we clearly just wanted to fuck each other's brains out there. Is that so bad?"

So you both are making each other guilty to stay with each other. Open relationships work for a lot of people, if you set some ground rules and can be empathetic to others.

You just have to understand that, human beings aren't really wired for monogamy- all of that is mostly culturally dependent. That doesn't mean you won't find soulmates or special someones whom you will want to share your life with, and be sexually passionate with. But even when you find all that, you will still want to fuck some whore in a hotel room once in awhile, just cuz you're a guy and just because it's your animal instincts, and it only makes you a 'bad person' if you use that as an excuse to be cruel. But being sexual doesn't make you cruel. Being cruel makes you cruel.

So you have to get on the same page sexually here, or it's not going to work. Like Dan Savage says, in his realism yet uncouthness, is that sex is always the defining factor in a relationship no matter what anybody really tells themselves- the reason you're having trouble has to be sexual in nature. Perhaps a 3rd person will naturally ignite some of the flames in your relationship and make you realize your bond even more with that person. You just have to get on the same page, so talk to your guy about what you both want and what both will turn you on - so you'll stay with each other.

 

[altlover85]

Well, the whole issue is that I don't want to lose him.

I don't understand how he can love me, but not care about our relationship at the same time. It seems that his views completely counteract eachother.

He could love you, but not be in love with you. Although, I don't necessarily think that's the case.

I think he has some commitment issues. However, if he says he doesn't care about things and you've tried reaching out, I would say it's time to either move on or make peace with the fact that at this moment he doesn't care about the relationship.