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I need help

8

8tomtoms8

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Why are you afraid to form friendships or relationships with other gay men. I don't understand that.
 
I notice you told your straight friends "via a private web forum." Talk to them in the flesh and ask them to set you up with a date: I know Santa Cruz, plenty of gays / bis there!

Also, San Francisco is in easy reach: go to some weekend happy hour there in the Castro and make yourself talk to people. Yea, scary even for gay guys with lots of experience, but there are plenty of people who'll readily talk to a 21 year old. . . .
 
Welcome to JUB! From what you have written I think you have a fear of the unknown. First, don't feel like your sexuality has to define your entire life. The reality is that most gay guys are "straight acting", whatever that means. I think being around this forum for a while will help to realize that many gay guys are just like you. Once you get a little comfortable on the forum, then I recommend that you join some gay groups. I'm sure that given where you live, there is probably a gay group for about any interest you may have. Good luck!
 
Gay men are after all - men.

If you make friends with other guys because you go to school with them or because you are hitting the gym together or because you admire each other playstations, whatever and you do not fear them, you should not fear gay dudes either.

Very few of them bite, and even those, who do, do so, only if asked...

So, discard the fear and embrace the opportunity to meet up new people.

Some dudes will be disappointing. Some guys will only want to get into your pants. Some guys will only talk fashion. But many dudes out there are genuinely nice and kind human beings, who are as much looking forward to making friends as you are.

Lighten up. Go out and make friends. Connect via the net. Network everywhere.

And after a while, all will be just fine. Once you conquer the fear, all will be different.

SC
 
Talking with other gay guys really helped me become more comfortable with the whole issue of being gay. I have found that straight people can't really relate even if they want to. You probably just need to find a guy or two to hang out with. Don't try for a relationship at this point. That puts way too much pressure on everybody. Bi people can also be a big help. One of my best friends is a Bi girl. She is married to a great guy and we are all good friends.
I have met some great guys on the local gay chat lines. I think the thing to remember is there are lots of gay people out there. You're certainly not alone.
 
Welcome to JUB, Xer! (Is it evil, or is it xeromem?)

Most of us felt alone when we first realized we were gay. It does take some time to find other gays to talk to. These forums are an excellent place to at least have contact with other homosexuals. Snoop around, read some threads, post if you like. You'll quickly learn (hopefully) that us gays come in all shapes, sizes and flavors. And you'll see that we're all gay, but we're not ONLY gay. :)

Again, welcome. :)

Lex
 
You've made a good start by coming out but you DO need to start talking about being gay and you need to talk to other gay guys. Get comfortable with the fact that you are gay and get comfortable with being around other gay guys. It's hard at first but gets easier. You will be surprised at what a little support and actually knowing other guys with the same feelings as you will do for making you more comfortable with your sexuality. You are also lucky that you live in an area where it should be realitively easy to meet other gay guys.
 
I only talk about being gay to people who I KNOW are gay or bi. That really does prevent an embarrassing situation from occuring. The last thing you need is someone making fun of you or putting you down for being gay. The workplace probably isn't the best place to discuss one's sexual preference.
 
Directness, I imagine. But if you're not ready, we're all here and gay/bi :)

You can (and already did) talk to us.
 
The way I know who's gay is where I discovered them. This site is great. Straight homophobes don't hang out on gay sites like this or on gay chat lines. I don't do bars but gay bars are another good example. I'm not big on judging someone on the way he looks, acts, etc. I'd hope people wouldn't do this to me as well. Good luck.
 
I am terrible at telling if someone is gay or bi.
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Me too!After all these years I still don't have it figured out. I am sure many people are in this same boat. Some people are easy to read but others (like myself) are very difficult. I have always thought that was part of my problem meeting guys (no one realizes that I am gay). I fit in the "straight acting" category just like you. The best chance of meeting guys is going to a place or event where you know there are going to be other gay guys around. Other possiblilties might include the gay section of a local book store. If you find a guy checking ou the books ask him if he could recomend one for you to read. That would make a good "ice breaker". Having someone to talk to that has already been through what you are dealing with is probably the greatest help you can get.
 
It's a gradual process, and you aren't alone. Other gay guys have to go through the same thoughts, problems with relationships and identity crisis. This is common ground, a bridge between you :)

Coming out isn't the end. This is a bit annoying I know, but it's also good! You still have all the world and yourself to explore.

Remember, now, you are truly yourself. People want to know you! It just seemed they didn't so much before, because you couldn't truly know or love yourself.
 
The first gay person that I talked to was a friend from a club I was in. He was openly gay, so it was pretty easy to come out to him. He's been a great friend.

Surely, where you are, there are some openly gay men.
 
Generally speaking, I don't go out "searching for gays". I just get to know people. If they're gay, great - I can talk about "gay stuff" with them. If not, that's cool, too. Maybe I can discuss politics, or music, or whatever with them. Just keep your options open - there's a lot of cool people out there, believe it or not.

Lex
 
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