I. Need. Help

[Conflicted]

She's not cool with it, it scares her I think. For the reason that she can't "compete" with a guy. I think the thought of me engaged in homosexual activity disturbs her.

Yes, I daydream all the time about playing in a band and other stuff. What is always the most pleasant thought is impressing girls. Having them desire me, thinking that I am great. I never get that thought about guys and if I force myself too, it just seems weird and uncomfortable. Having guys jealous is a different story, hehe.

I feel very anxious and weird when reading threats here. I saw one post that said something like basic rule of thumb is if you're here then you're not straight! This just says, that's it. I'm a gay/bi and just in denial and feel that terrible feeling of having to reprogram myself to take on the gay identity. It's not cool, in my head and to my emotional state.

This just after somebody told me "NO, you're NOT gay it's the OCD".

Every damn attempt I made to get back to my old self, the one who was on the mission to be super stud among the women is contradicted by voices.

I say, I just need to get back to the old me. Start taking care of myself more, stay focus, ignore the intrusive thoughts and do what I want. Start wearing the clothes that makes me feel good and attractive to girls ...but that contradicting voice always is there. "NO, that's not the old you...that's the fake you". "No, you're just being fake to cover up who and what you are".

I wanted to tell my GF how badly I wanted to hug and feel her and a voice told me "you're just a fag boy looking for acceptance from mommy"!!!??? I TELL my GF what these voices are saying and she just feels like complete shit. This is destroying everything. I honestly feel if she was here with me where I can hold, kiss, touch and feel her - it would just kill all these thoughts and would be ten times more powerful then any of this.

I wonder if this is just abstinence of women in my life. For a straight 25 year old, I've sure as hell had little experiences with girls and never had many close relationships with them. Even though I desired them and every move I made was based on them, I still felt like I was in a world away from them.

I read recently about a guy who had social anxiety disorder. From an early age he was accused of being gay, which in turn made him fear and question if he was for years. He didn't think he was desirable towards women, which only fueled it. I related to this alot. Even though I always kept up a "tough" image, I was always fearful of being attacked for people thinking I am gay. (I wear a leather jacket and strech denim...I like METAL DAMMIT). All this fear of people thinking I am gay, while I am following girls around a store and trying to get them to notice me like a stalking weirdo...

The major thing that makes me seriously doubt me being gay/bi is my doubt as to weather or not I could actually have sex with a man face to face. To feel his hands on me and his hairy body....to smell him. I really think I would feel like I was being molested. It's a very uncomfortable thought....

Me and my GF also discussed the possibility of Dopamine and the arousal part of all of this, along with the guilt and fear. She think it's the guilt, the drama, the fear and anxiety that makes it compulsive...

Sometimes I think the only way to free this is to TRY it, just go for it. Aside from the thought I'd most likely kill myself after, I know it would ruin everything. To do what I fear isn't such a grand idea. She told me to shut up and just do it, or shut up...but advised me she thought it would only make things much worse.

Most of the shit I am stressing about is shit that I wouldn't, had I just not seen it. Like the forum post of "everyone here is not straight" or whatever. If I didn't see that, it wouldn't haunt me now for the entire day to the point where I can't concentrate on anything. If I never had this compulsive need to "check" and "learn", I would of never viewed emptyclosets and be stressing over that...same thing with the craigslist ad.

 

[G-Lexington]

Lemme handle this little bit first.

>>>I feel very anxious and weird when reading threats here. I saw one post that said something like basic rule of thumb is if you're here then you're not straight! This just says, that's it.

Two factors are at play here. First off, there's the "as for I so for everyone" thought process. You know people who, if you say "I've got a headache", say "Oh, put toothpaste on your temples - that's what works for me"? Same thing. They thought they were straight, they did some nosing around, they realized they were gay, they see other straight guys coming here, and they tell them, "Oh, you're just gay, admit it". Because that's what happened to them, so it must be for all else concerned.

The other is...well, it's tough to describe, but think of the generic straight guy obsession with lesbians, and you've got a vague idea what's going on. To some, seducing a gay guy into bed is fine and good, but seducing a STRAIGHT guy into bed is even better. It indicates that they're SO alluring that NOBODY is safe from their charms. And so some will say "The only difference between a straight guy and a bisexual is a six-pack." It's lame, but as all the "broke straight guys" ads attest, it's a common fantasy. One I don't share, but there you be.

OK, back to you.

What I honestly think might be going on isn't a question of sexuality but more a question of worth. These voices in your head don't seem very interested in "you living the real you". They seem mainly interested in keeping you down. They're less saying "You're not truly heterosexual" than they're saying "You suck, you're worthless."

Think about it. You've admitted that you still have some residual "gay equals bad" feelings around. And most of your "off" sexual fantasies seem to involve you being humiliated, doing things you think are "bad", being submissive to a "real man" with a "Real Cock". In short, they're putting you in a position where you can be the bad, unworthy guy you may secretly think you are.

And I sort of understand that. You say you were "on the mission to be super stud among the women". And let's face it - in your current position, you're a bit away from that goal. Chances are you never in fact WILL be a super stud among the women, but then again, almost nobody ever gets to do that.

Lower your sights. You'll probably never be the sex god. But maybe you'll be able to make this girl happy. And frankly, isn't that enough?

You might not feel like you're cut out for the task. Inadequate, untrained. But it's a journey you can make together. And don't worry about your dick size. A guy with a four-incher who is committed to getting his partner off will be a MUCH better lover than a guy with a nine-incher who doesn't give a flying fuck. This from experience, sir.

Lex

 

[Conflicted]

Well, I know longer really have fantasies. I watch porn, that's it. But it's mainly focused on anything I consider "not normal". What I find dirty, nasty...perverse. Often group sex..

A lot of them involves me being a porn guy, haha.

So that's the theme, not really being submissive. When I am with a girl, like her. I do feel like a super stud to her, which feels good.

I think the biggest themes here is be feeling "wanted", but mainly girls but I guess guys also. Not in a sexual way or romantic way, but just guy friends. With girls, I desire their affection. There was also a sense of "Liberation", living without any boundaries......in cyber sex I've often portrayed myself as a "no limits" kind of perv, though sex with other guys was always a focus. I am a rebel at heart, but I think this means I must feel some sense of repression/oppression in my life. Fuck, I don't drive! I don't work and I felt women hate me, so I've never gotten laid. So I DONNOT think it's repressed homosexuality.

I think all of this has manifested in my compulsive masturbation. Erotic intelligence so they call it.

Now what scares me the most is not really the fear of watching gay porn or enjoying it, but the idea that it signifies a true desire for men and lack of that for women. That I might actually be growing into a gay (really bi) man and that this whole identity I've had was a big shame.

BUT I don't that's the case. I've done these things in the past, it cause only "minor" guilt and whatever, but never really bothered me...because I NEVER really questioned my sexuality or even thought about it later. I've even expressed some pretty homophobic thoughts in my own head and word (sorry, hehe). I can honestly say that I don't think it wasn't due to repressed feelings of cleansing of guilt either.

Bottomline is what I've done and doing is now causing upset and conflict, so I need to stop. Doing anything this compulsive is not good, especially when fantasies is invading reality.

Hopefully, in a year or a few months, I wouldn't remember going through this period. But I feel everytime I go to move on, it's going to come back. Or if I start becoming comfortable with gay/bi thoughts, it will mean...well, I am comfortable with it, thus I am.

 

[KaraBulut]

Conflicted:

I'm going to return to something that I said earlier about problems and issues and how they build up when they are not addressed.

There's a lot of energy in your life that is being directed into places that are doing very little to make your life better- things like compulsions, anxiety, impulsiveness, insecurity.

This is all energy that could be spent in more constructive areas in your life- like really dealing with your issues in therapy. I just think there's a limited amount that we can do in a forum beyond helping you to get help for yourself and supporting you in that process.

You are capable of dealing with all of these things. You're a bright guy. You see the issues. You just may need a little help from a therapist who is trained in these things.

Like a cat on linoleum, you're going in a lot of directions but not making much progress here. As I once explained it to a friend of mine- "I have no doubt you can get your shit together but right now, you need to see a professional who can at least help you get all your shit into the same room 'cause it's just all over the place right now"

If you are evaluated and determined to have OCD, medication may be the thing that helps you get your shit into the same room so that you can get it together... make sense?

We do care and we do want to help you. Do you have the means to find a therapist to work with on these issues?

 

[Conflicted]

No means to get a therapist. I need the help of my parents. Both are depressed people with their own issues and refuse the idea of medication and therapy...they're the kind who refuse to pay attention to problems. When I tell my dad I have severe mental issues, he laughs and tell me to "stop being a nut". Like I'm putting on an act.

They're useless.

I am also afraid I will find a therapist who will just hand me coming out books and tell me the same shit I've read on countless forums and websites. Unless he has electros that could that can pull the "gay, straight or bi" question right from my heart and soul, I don't trust them.

From what I've observed, there seems to be only ONE therapist who is pushing the notion that straight men CAN in fact engage in such behavior, while not being gay or bisexual. That is stems from something else, rather than they true innate sexual orientation. As I said, in early stages of "sexual discovery" the idea of gay sex disgusted and confused me when I contemplated it....it wasn't until life started going haywire that I began masturbating and showing interest in it. I remember being repulsed by the hairiness of men.


All I want, is to be a straight man without any conflicts and to get rid of the compulsive behavior. I just want to forget all about it.

Now, if I really, really felt I was gay, I'd deal with it ...especially at this point. But it just doesn't seem right to me. Not being gay, but not right as in not matching up with who I am. As a gay man told me, I'd feel it in every fiber of myself...I don't and the idea of dying to find "that girl" for all these years...only to realize now is that I want another man is a crazy thought to me. Gay porn and one anonymous encounter (one that took a toll on my mental state) aside - I REALLY never felt attraction or desire for men! Dammit, I'd have crushes on women that caused me to cry at night, so I sure as hell know what attraction means. When I did that one act, it really seem to me to be a last resort sort of act. Like "well, I'll never have a woman and they don't care for me nor do anyone else, so I might as well do it and try to enjoy it". Like I used the "WOW!, sinful, dirty, sleazy, nasty, secretive, unreal" element to give me that extra push. It wasn't a matter of "OH MY GOD, I desire a HOT man.." though I confess the fact it was a man added to those sentiments. I told myself things to get more into it, and at the time..I guess I did. I ask myself if I would of done it if women were just as much gloryhole hounds as men....I'm pretty damn sure I'd go to their booth instead.

Now over a year later, it's like "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO! WHAT WAS I THINKING! EEEEWWW"

I think between that time and now, something happened to me where I did realize I do have self worth and I can be the person I want to be...so now I guess I feel shame and guilt for doing something totally contradicting to myself.

I told one person and they laughed and said "you're sounding as if they raped you", and in a way it does.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>> Unless he has electros that could that can pull the "gay, straight or bi" question right from my heart and soul, I don't trust them.

But you trust us?

The only thing we can offer you that a therapist can not is a bit of personal insight. Your situation doesn't seem to match anything we went through, and so now we're down to simply offering suggestions. We can empathize a bit, but we're certainly not going to be any better at this than a therapist. You know, someone who does this sort of thing for a living.

>>>All I want, is to be a straight man without any conflicts and to get rid of the compulsive behavior. I just want to forget all about it.

Won't ever happen, sir. Life doesn't begin when your problems end. Life ENDS when your probelms end. Life IS problems. Or, more specifically, how you handle your problems. Everybody out there has shit they're dealing with - the only difference is how well they're dealing with it.

And I get it. You're not really gay. You can write several more treatises, maybe turn in a paper if you'd like, but as Kara pointed out, none of this is GETTING you anywhere.

The problem is defined.

You can spend many more posts adding data to the pile, tossing in afew more theories, and looking for additional feedback. But that won't get the problem solved.

The problem is defined.

Now go work on solving it.

Lex

 

[hanshansen]

One side of me will not allow me to feel better or seek peace. Because I am afraid once I am "OK" with what I do, I will be gay/bisexual.

I think you need to ask yourself why this is such a massively important question for you.

You won't get over your obsessive thoughts until it becomes less important. One you become 'OK' with what you do, you won't be any more/less gay/bisexual than you are now, but you'll be able to focus your energy on other issues.

I'm not a therapist, but I'll just say this: your thought processes remind me very much of my own until about a year ago. For at least a decade (I'm in my late 20s) the question 'am I gay', 'how gay am I' basically defined my life. I was obsessed with the way I looked, the way I walked, I was afraid that I couldn't perform with girls, I wondered if my interests and hobbies were normal. It was hell. Sometimes I could barely get out of the house. It screwed up my ability to form relationships, it meant I underperformed at university. I feel like I lost 10 years. I never ever want to go back there.

I guess what changed for me some time in 2007 was that my priorities changed: I realised that the question 'how gay am I' was not really that relevant to answering the more important question 'what should I do to be a good and happy person', and might even be obstructive.

And since then I've discovered that I can make friends, that my interests and hobbies don't weird people out, that a lot of people like me, that some (girls and guys) even find me attractive. For what it's worth, I no longer feel this 'mental block' with girls that I was always trying to break through in the past. Life is just a lot better.