I need some advice about a friend...

[Zhiqua]

Let me just start by saying that I love this site although only lurked as a guest for a few months. Been reading and looking at several things and I enjoy my time here. I am only just 18, and haven't had much of a sex life yet. Still trying out new things even though I've known I was gay since I was about 11. I am fully open to it and am not in the closet whatsoever (which apparently is quite rare to come out so early).

I'm here posting because I need some well rounded advice. Ground rules: I'll just mention that in this post I won't be using any real names. I have a friend, well really really good friend, we'll call him Adam. I've known him since my first day of high school. I had seen him standing on his own at the bus stop waiting for the schoolbus and decided I'd go up to him and see what he's all about. Fast-forward several years and he begins Sixth Form while I was in my last year of High School (he is two years older than me). I had started to develop feelings for him too, since around the second year I knew him, but this was also the time I began to fully realise I was gay also.

Fast forward again. The Royal Wedding on 29th April 2011. They held a part at my local village's recreation ground and I met up with Adam again. That evening we stayed out with a group of our friends till really late just talking and chatting away into the night. The next day, Adam came out with us again, and this continued for many many evenings. In fact, Adam still to this day sees me every evening.

While our group of friends always changed slightly, me and Adam were always part of it and were always together. We call ourselves brothers. And he is like a brother to me. We support each other, we go visit my Dad's house together. We go out places together. We do EVERYTHING together.

So what's this got to do with anything? A few months after we started hanging out, and I told Adam that I was gay, he started to question himself. He even told me once that he was bisexual, or thought he was. For a few months he would always be chatting on his phone to his friend (who is male) on the other side of the country and they'd always be very close and quite loved up on the phone. And then one night, Adam decided to get close with me. It freaked him out.

Since then, we've grown closer many times, but after we get too close he pulls himself away again, or distracts himself with other things. We've had sex together many times but he won't admit to himself or anyone else that he has gay feelings. He says he's not gay, he just likes gay sex? It's really starting to play with my head.

I'm constantly paranoid that he's doing or saying things behind my back. I've talked to him about it but I don't know where we both stand. Friends? Brothers? Lovers? It's a really crazy thing. I just wish he would just come out and say it. What are your thoughts?

,Zhiqua

P.S. Sorry for the essay!

 

[BiMike]

In my view you are certainly in a difficult situation your friend may be Bi and probably has interest in sexual relations with another guy but he is not gay. In his eyes you are certainly not his lover, more of a close friend, almost a brotherly situation. Which is why he freaks out after the occasions when he has had some sexual activity with you. On your part you would love to be able to consider him as your lover but this is very unlikely to happen as far as your friend is concerned.
If your friendship is to continue it must be like a brotherly relationship with no sexual activities between you and your friend. The problem with this situation is that your friend is seeking some sexual relations with other guys to satisfy his BI tendancies. In my view you have got to accept this if you want to maintain your close friendship together. Being gay no doubt you are looking long term with having a relationship with another guy so this is where you should be looking for sexual relationships. Must admit you are in a very difficult situation at this time in youir life but is the problem of gay guys getting deeply involved with other guys who have no intention of following a gay life together. Best of luck in what ever you decide to do.

 

[Rolyo85]

Whether he's bi or completely gay, is irrelevant. What he is first and foremost, is in denial. He is not ok with his sexuality, and is making dumb psycho-crap like "not gay, just like guys" (there's no such distinction). You should cease any romantic/sexual interaction with him, forget any such feelings you have, and offer yourself exclusively as a friend and emotional/psychological support.

 

[Zhiqua]

Did I also forget to mention that I love him too? And I don't mean some kind of crush or whatever. I love every atom that makes him, his personality, his looks, his imperfections..

It won't be easy for me to just move on from him.

 

[sixthson]

Did I also forget to mention that I love him too? And I don't mean some kind of crush or whatever. I love every atom that makes him, his personality, his looks, his imperfections..

It won't be easy for me to just move on from him.

Contrary to what you may have heard, love is not always enough. Especially if it's one-sided.
Until he chooses to be honest with himself and you, you might want to guard your heart.

 

[Scealle]

He could be bi. But I think it's probably not a good choice to fall for someone who is very uncomfortable about his sexuality. It could potentially get really messy for both sides. It's going to take time.

I have a similar experience falling from a guy from back when I was a teen (about 15). For years I suspected he's bi or gay and we stayed really close. Chatted, texted and all that but I eventually learned that it probably wouldn't work out the way I wanted to so I learn to let go. I finally managed to cease all my feelings for him last year.

 

[Rolyo85]

Did I also forget to mention that I love him too? And I don't mean some kind of crush or whatever. I love every atom that makes him, his personality, his looks, his imperfections..

It won't be easy for me to just move on from him.

What helps is to use a different word. "Love" is something that is built between TWO people and shared. Call what you feel infatuation, wanting... Because whatever it is, he isn't ready for it and doesn't want it, and you don't want to waste years on something like that. You've been lucky to come out of your closet early. Don't go into somebody else's. NOTHING and NOBODY is worth that.

 

[Zhiqua]

You make it sound easy to let go.

 

[Rolyo85]

You make it sound easy to let go.

No, I don't. I make it sound simple, and it is. Doesn't mean it's easy. But knowing what to do is an important first step.

 

[Seasoned]

If I were you I'd look at it this way. It's up to him to define his sexuality and to determine how he expresses it. Too many of us have the notion that our best bud, should he come out, is going to fall for us like we did for him. That is so common in life and on this forum. Just because two people are close and just because they've played around doesn't mean both are of a like mind when it comes to pairing up. Often we have to watch our best friend who is also our romantic interest fall for someone else right under our nose. This happens in the straight world all the time. Books and movies describe it often. There is an unintelligible spark that needs to be present in both people and it's something that can't be forced. It appears that he doesn't have it in regards to you.

You have some choices. You can continue to try and seduce him on occasion, which will cause you to continue to long for him, or you can shift to a close brother relationship and set your sexual and romantic sights elsewhere. I'm guessing you're afraid that if you let go he'll end up falling for another guy, but all that's going to do is drag out your realization that to him you're his best friend/brother and not his boyfriend/partner.

You deserve to get back what you're ready to give.

It's difficult to go through this process, but it doesn't necessarily mean seeing him less. It means thinking differently about him. Best wishes to you.