I need some advice...

[Aaron]

Sorry in advance for the length.

During the first week of April I was at a conference in a nearby city (about a 3 hour drive). We roomed in military accommodations, two to a room, and my roommate was a guy named Justin. He is my age (two days younger) and my roommate and him have known each other for a long time. When I first saw him I thought he was really cute, but knew he was straight, and having had hopeless crushes on straight guys before, I ignored it.

The conference was great and we have since become really good friends. We have a lot in common, super compatible senses of humour, and are both really into politics and have the best debates about it. With common friends in both cities, we have hung out a few weekends because we each travel in between regularly.

Then on Tuesday, I got a random text about midnight from him saying he had a crush on me. OK, practical joke, I thought; I am completely out, and I figured he was just playing games. So I called bullshit, but it has since become obvious that he is gay... he still is attracted to girls, but says he is more attracted to men and he is running with gay. He came out because of me, in that he said he was so impressed and almost jealous with how comfortable I am with myself that it encouraged him to do it.

Anyway, we have since established that we both feel the same way about each other. He is remarkably collected and calm for someone who has been out of the closet for a few days. He said that he has some thinking to do and needs to figure himself out before he gets involved with anyone, which is what I wanted to hear (I know better than to get involved with guy who is just days out of the closet). But regardless, there is this mutual attraction there now.

We spoke last night for almost five hours. He has lots of questions about being gay, having never been with a guy before, and we talked a lot about how to come out to his mom, but again, is really collected and common-sense about everything. Our personalities mesh really well, and I am attracted to him. I also know that *if* anything develops, he needs time and I have no problem leaving the ball in his court.

But I am.... apprehensive. I don't know what to think about the potential of a relationship with someone who has just come out, and also maintains an attraction to women. It also doesn't help that he lives 3 hours away, either. He is leaving at the end of June for two months. I know I am attracted to him, and I know his personality is the kind with which I mesh really well... but I can't help thinking that anything we try will be doomed from the start. Is that crazy? Regardless, I value his friendship and I enjoy having him in my life in any capacity.

Thoughts?

 

[Eagle653]

You're in a tricky situation, but you know that. Reading between the lines...you really want him, but your rational/logical side is holding you back because that side says "be careful" "go slow" and "he's volatile" until he's out more and gets some experience. All of which is a self-protection mechanism on your part.

All of this is well and good, but your "I want him" side is going to constantly be at odds with your rational/logical side until you reconcile the two sides.

There are a couple of ways to do this. One would be to let the rational/logical side win, tell him good luck, you love him as a friend, and hope he finds his true love.

Another way would be to take a risk, but doing so with both eyes wide open and knowing that you might come to regret it. If you don't regret it, you will have gotten the biggest prize of all. In other words, is the chance of having a relationship worth more than the chance he may do something hurtful like feel he needs to experience the "candy store" or decide he now likes women more? If the answer is yes, then go after him with all you've got...bracing yourself for possible let-down, but determined to win him over. If the answer is no, then cut your loses and move on.

As a personal aside, I was in the position of your newly-out friend when I met my partner 14 years ago. He was my inspiration to come out and be honest with myself and everyone around me. I will love him forever for being my hero in that respect. Yes, he took a gigantic risk getting involved with me because he was light-years ahead of me in being out and experienced in male-male sex etc. But, he brought me out, let me find my own way, we experienced my "candy store phase" together and I finally settled down into a normal human being again--at his side forever.

I mention that only as 1 anecdote to all the don't-get-involved-in-the-newly-out messages. Of course there's a risk in doing so, but there's a risk in getting involved with ANYONE, initially. If you risk the hurt, you may win the prize. You can't win a game if you don't play it.

Good luck to you. You sound like a smart guy with a lot of common sense. Keep in touch with us and let us know what happens.

 

[Aaron]

What a great response, Eagle. Thanks!

You've pegged me! I am a really rational and logical person. Big decisions get analyzed and taken apart.

I know he needs his candy store phase (awesome term by the way), and I've pretty much decided that if anything does develop, it won't really be until after the summer at the earliest, because even if he doesn't go out and take a sample, as it were, this summer, he needs to get comfortable in his own skin before he can be comfortable with someone else. I've always been uneasy with the concept of getting into a relationship with a man who maintains an attraction to women, as well. But I also believe that denying yourself the opportunity for a meaningful connection with another person is doing yourself a disservice.

I know that nothing will happen right away, and just helping him out and being there when he needs me is the best thing to do right now. But I want him bad hahaha

This isn't the typical "newly out" situation in the sense that he knows where he stands. He says he has known since about age 14, so after nine years, he knows where his attractions lie. In that sense, he is assertive about his sexuality and understands his attraction fairly well. It's the application of that attraction where he becomes the emotional equivalent of a 15 year old virgin schoolgirl who just got asked out by her first crush.

I've always said that a sense of humour, confidence, and a strong awareness of and interest in the world around you are the things that I look for in other men, and now that I have that in front of me, that side of me is telling me that I shouldn't dismiss it so quickly.

I do expect that if he makes the first move (because I'm resolved to let him do so), I will be sure to tell him how I feel, because his friendship has become so important to me in such a short period of time (less than two months) that I know it something I would be heartbroken to lose. And the rational side of me says I should be cautious at the very least. But the emotional side says I should go for it, because we are a personality match, attracted to each other, and, to paraphrase a recent movie, he has an ass that makes me wanna dry hump.

Regardless, right now the best thing I can do is keep building our friendship without pushing another agenda.

Thanks again. Keep the responses coming!

 

[moschj]

He's going away for a couple of monhts - right? Stay in touch and see where he is when he gets back. Don't be too pushy while he's out of town. Let him explore, but discreetly let him know you care.

 

[andyspete]

The cap is off. There's no way you're not going to pursue something with him at some point. He's already gotten in your head. Do you know how difficult it is to get someone out of your head once they're in there? And if he gets in your heart, oh my.

If I'm wrong and you do choose not to pursue him, the day will come when you'll regret it. Either way you may end up with regret. Choose which regret you'd rather have. I'm guessing you'd rather regret loving and losing than never loving at all. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

 

[rareboy]

I think there's too much analysis and not enough passion.

You'd fuck him but you don't really love him.

Not from what I read.

Let that guide you.

 

[Aaron]

I think there's too much analysis and not enough passion.

You'd fuck him but you don't really love him.

Not from what I read.

Let that guide you.

Oh, there is passion. The analysis is more noticeable because that's how I write, and I tend to be the kind of person who rationalizes everything (Max Weber would have a field day with me).

I don't love him; I've only known him for two months. But there is more here than a desire for sex, that I am sure of.

 

[cityboi]

It would be good for your friend if he spent some time among many other openly gay men. That could be in the lounge at your gay community center, gay restaurants and bars as well as your gay beach. He'd feel more comfortable in his skin. At any time before you two agree to get into a relationship you might suggest just being fuck buddies for starters. That way there wouldn't be all of the strings attached as in a relationship and he could still explore sex with other men.

 

[backpacker]

I say go with it, but be aware that he may not be ready to be in a relationship. Note I say "may not", because he could be ready. The thing is, right now is your opportunity. He will probably won't be available later. You need to take the opportunity when it presents itself.

Talk to him up front. Tell him that you are concerned that he is just coming out and may not be ready for a relationship. If you move forward, he should know that he can come to you and say he made a mistake. Let him know that you would rather have him tell you and remain friends, then have a messy break up. Good luck!

 

[rareboy]

You didn't read what I wrote.

There is too much analysis and not enough passion.

 

[Aaron]

*sigh*

Without going into too much detail as the hour is late, we hung out some more, and the ball was left firmly in his court. We continue to become better friends, and speak often. And he tells me everything... including what his first time was like, with a guy who he has apparently hit it off with. They both are working together for the summer.

Oh well. I suppose you can't win them all. I know it's not a done deal yet (I worked for the same organization for many years, and have never seen a camp fling continue past the end of a contract), but I'm inclined to write it off now to avoid postponing the ultimate disappointment.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thanks for the update.

Something tells me this isn't the final chapter.

But the next time you have the chance to act upon this, then do so. Sometimes life is too short for analysis-paralysis.

 

[NineOfClubs]

This only bring to mind homilies such as "he who hesitates is lost".

Or "strike while the iron is hot".

All silly stuff, I know, but it's usually worked for me.