I need some advice

[coolyo06]

I am sorry this is so long, I have tried to cut back the story. There is a lot to say and I have been holding it in and dealing with this for a long time. I want to try and be as objective here as possible because I want to get honest feedback and see if I am crazy or what I should do in this situation.

About a year and a half ago, the company I work for hired a college kid (now 21) to be our summer intern. He was sweet, cute, and just really a lot of fun to work with. About a month into his internship, we had to take a trip together. He requested we stay in the same hotel room rather than getting separate rooms as would be the usual practice. We grew really close on that trip and have been best friends since then. At the end of that summer (2010), he decided he wanted to break up with his college girlfriend and stay working for the company as an intern and not go back to the college that was three hours away. He said one of the main reasons was because of me. Once I realized he was going to stay, I started falling for him hard and am now madly in love with him.

In September of 2010, he came over to my place to watch a football game. He took the remote from me and we had a play fight where we were basically cuddling. I ended up kissing him on the check when he was laying across my lap because it really felt like there was a connection there (after months of this play fighting stuff). There was no reaction from him. I asked since he was still laying in my lap that meant he liked the kiss and he said no he didn't but I was "holding him down" so he couldn't get up (I wasn't). The next night he spent the night at my place and does so 2-3 weekends a month to this day.

There is a lot of stuff that goes on between us. He likes to play wrestle, tap me in the junk, and he loves it when I give him massages. Sometimes when I am massaging him, I will snuggle up with him and hold his hand. He usually acts like he is asleep and when I try and talk to him about it, he says he doesn't know what I am talking about.

I have been pushing him recently to try and talk about things, because there has been a lot more of the massaging (and these are full body massages - not just the shoulders) and other contact. He says he doesn't want to talk about it and that its awkward and then gets mad. He often gets really violent with me and is very abusive (more often than not I have bruises on my arms, chests, and stomach), so I try to be gentle in approaching the subject. and usually just end up dropping it.

I have been asking him recently, mainly by text, if he just doesn't want to talk about it, or if he isn't ready to talk about it yet or if the reason he doesn't want to talk about it is because he doesn't want to admit this about himself. He has responsed yes to these questions on countless occasions and tells me to drop it. Since I have been pushing it though, he pulls away when I try and hold his hand and then sometimes moves away when I start massaging him. And now he say he likes this girl and wants to ask her out and is visiting her this weekend.

Thinking about him being with someone else makes me sick. Last night I tried to talk to him about it and ended up giving him a massage for about an hour. He says he wants me to keep massaging him because he likes it, keep buying him things (I have spent thousands of dollars on him, doing all kinds of things - including taking him to a World Series game), paying for all his food when we go out, etc. but he doesn't like guys and wants to date this girl. He said he had no idea when I was asking him if he didn't want to talk about it and if he was not ready to admit it yet and he said yes , that he was saying yes to a question about his sexuality.

I feel like by pushing the issue, I have made him close up and drive him to want to date this girl.

Am I crazy? Is there anyway he could be straight? How could a straight guy (that knows I am gay and in love with him) enjoy getting the full body massages and want to keep getting them, and all the other contact we have? Is it possible that he was really napping all those times when I was holding his hand and he didn't realize I was holding his hand even though he sometimes would talk to me (he says he can hold a conversation while sleeping)? Is it possible that he had no idea what I was talking about when I asked him if he didn't want to admit it yet and he would tell me to drop it?

I feel like I am crazy and just imagining all this and I think thats what he wants me to do because he isn't ready to admit he is gay or bi. All this has sent me into major depression. I am trying not to let it break me, but I love him and feel like we are meant to be together.

Should I push the issue when that seems to make him close up more? Should I let him figure all this out on his own? I think he is the type that (if I am right and he is into me) that would marry a girl that he didn't love, just to be "normal". Of course, he may be bi.

Anyway - any thoughts on whether I am imagining things and if not, how I should proceed?

Thanks

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I think you should proceed with caution and great deal of restraint. I'm not liking the part about him becoming violent. In essence you seem to be paying him to frustrate you. It really doesn't matter what his sexual orientation is and by pushing the issue you could be tearing down defenses he needs at the moment. I think any abrupt action by you could cause him to get angry, but I'd use the new girl as an excuse to begin separating. You deserve full time attention from someone who would be glad to call you his boyfriend.

 

[coolyo06]

Seasoned,

Thank you for your kind words. One thing I left out of this is that I had a very difficult upbringing in some ways. I was abused and certainly suffer from a lot of confidence issues. One of the things that has been most disappointing is that he is the only person I have really ever opened up to about it and he calls me names and continues to be violent, knowing how much it upsets me with my past issues. I think some of his violence issues stems from not being able to handle his feelings.

I have tried several times to tell him we need to stop bring friends and he freaks out and calls me names and threatens to ruin my reputation at work with false accusations. Its hard too because as much as part of me would like to do that, I love him and love our weekends together. When things are good they are amazing, when they are bad- they're bad.

Overall you're right though and I need to hear that more.

 

[Rolyo85]

Ok, take a step back. No, wait, take TEN steps back.

Basically what is happening here is that some aggressive closet case is abusing you physically, mentally and FINANCIALLY, and you are not only letting him, but also "madly in love" with him? Wake up, man, seriously. I know it's typical for people with low self esteem or people who have been abused in their past to turn a blind eye to such things, but COME ON! It's not ok, it's not normal, and it is damaging you further.

Like Seasoned said, it matters not one bit what his sexual orientation is. Yes, he is likely gay. But he is not a decent person, and I PROMISE you there is nothing you can say at this point that would make anyone on this forum think otherwise.

What you need to do is talk to your boss/supervisor/whatever and clearly explain the situation. Be honest, don't hide anything, but tell him/her about the threats about ruining your career. After that is done, tell the kid to FUCK THE HELL OFF away from your life, eat shit and die in agony, and then proceed to find an actually good guy who you could be in an equal relationship with.

Because right now you are humiliating yourself by letting him use you, AND you are asking the wrong questions, when the only question is why haven't you still filed a restraining order against this abusive psycho...

 

[looseliam]

YOu need do get this person out of your life. He is toxic for you.

Stop trying to figure him out. Stop the fantasy that's going on in your head. Stop the codependency. Stop him.

Change your locks. Change you phone numbers. Let him know in front of a third person that from now on, any interaction at work will be strictly business-related. Let your bosses know that you won't be going on trips with him again.

Then, move on.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are a lot of red flags here. A lot.

The main problem here is this is a relationship that really doesn't have any kind of healthy future. There's no outcome that would lead to a future that is healthy for you. And it's not really a "relationship"- it's a gay guy who wants a relationship with a confused, opportunistic guy who wants all the benefits of a relationship until he finds a new girlfriend (in his mind, a "real" relationship).

This boy's confusion and opportunistic behavior has you locked into a situation that is preventing you from moving forward in your life. You shouldn't have to worry about physical abuse, being taken advantage of financially or having your reputation ruined.

By continuing this dysfunctional friendship, you're wasting time that could be spent in a healthy relationship with an adult who is your equal and who can provide the things this kid cannot.

 

[mc7777]

coolya06,

The act of violence against you should be the biggest indicator your relationship isn't what you think or want it to be. Your desire for him is toxic. Sure there is "good," and bad moments, but the whole dynamic of the social exchange between you to is off. You do so much, and he does so little, and uses violence and blackmail influence to get his way. The situation and relationship is unsustainable in its entirety unless he changes, which I doubt, and HE is the only person that can change HIM (so don't try to change him.)

If I may refer you to read up The Cycle of Violence in domestic situations and relationship social exchange.

I know I am a new poster on here, but I have experience in this. Plus its always easier to see stuff in everyone else's issues than our own, so don't feel so bad, as we all do it (me), and need outside perspectives with variety of opinions.

You seem like a nice guy, who hasn't allowed himself to be defined by his abused past, and understands the value of being a good friend/boyfriend/lover in a relationship. There are plenty of guys out there looking for just that. Just think if you were to wake up next to someone who will not abuse or try to negatively influence you. Someone who wants to be with you, values you, what you bring, and asks themselves what they can do for you, the person they love.

Also do you think he would actually talk to your boss or work? Wouldn't he be worried of "guilt by association?" He is the closeted individual, so if he wants to play that soil your reputation game, play it back in a rightful manner. Tell your boss about what is going on and what he may try. (Or do like I did once when someone told me they wanted to bring me down to someone, put a recorder in your pocket, and get them to talk about it! Let them know then you have it recorded on audio after you secured the audio, and tell them if they do, you will pursue blackmail legal issues with them as it involves your employment and can cost you financially. ONLY do this sort of thing if you have to, to get out of this potentially volatile situation.)

I wish you good luck!!

 

[coolyo06]

Thank you all for your words. As much as it sucks, I need to hear it. I need to find the strength to move on and let myself be happy again. Before I started spending every weekend with him, I was really active in a lot of activities, went out with a lot of different friends and was happy. That has all gone away from this guy and yet I don't know why I continue to let him get to me. I guess I kind of saw a part of him in me (shy, struggling with some personal issues, etc) and I thought I could help him. I recently finished law school and am starting a great career, so I don't feel like I am a dumb person, but I really feel like an idiot for allowing myself to get in this situation.

Again, thank you all for telling me the things that I need to hear right now.

 

[ezwriter]

It sounds to me like he really is straight, or 98-99% straight.

A lot of straight guys long for a certain level of non-sexual closeness, both physical and emotional, that society says they can't get from other males. They get it from their fathers when they're very young, then at a certain age it usually stops abruptly, which can leave a certain void. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard similar to yours, in which a young, attractive straight guy lets himself be spooned, caressed, massaged, etc. by his gay friend, but doesn't want it to go any further than that. You are fulfilling a need he has, that he doesn't know is there and doesn't understand. This probably made him a little confused about his sexuality and his feelings toward you. He needed that emotional and physical closeness with another male that you provided, and it was very fulfilling for him to have it, but he eventually realized it wasn't sexual. His hitting you and bruising you is his way of warning you not to cross that boundary, and it a weird way it's also a form of reciprocation (women friends hug and kiss each other, straight men friends punch each other because it's the only way society allows them to touch each other.)

It's possible that he really does care about you, maybe even loves you, but not in a romantic or sexual way at all , and there is no way you're ever going to change that.

It's also possible that he's just using you for the thousands of dollars you're spending on him, and is deliberately leading you on to keep the gravy train running.

At best, he loves you as a friend, and you're madly in love with him. At worst, he's a user and an abuser, and you're madly in love with him. Either way, it's a dead end, and you need to remove yourself from the situation and go through the unbearable heartache that's ahead, so you can come out on the other side stronger and wiser.

I suggest finding a good counselor to talk it all out with. And, if possible, find another job where you won't have to see him every day...or find HIM another job. I once had a friend who was in this horrible, dysfunctional, on-and-off relationship with a guy he worked with, and after they finally broke up for good, it took him YEARS to get beyond it, because he was forced to see him every day.