I need some advice

[dude410]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a complicated situation about my feelings and I reach an end point and I have no idea what to do next (or to get out this situation).

So, I think it helps if I start from the beginning. I'm a guy in early 20's and I never have any sexual/romantic relation with anyone (with this point I'm totally fine). I always thought of myself as an heterosexual person even if I don't feel the need that other guys have to run after girls. Only recently I've been confronted with my sexual orientation because I don't feel any kind of atraction from the ideal atractive man that society idealize (pretty guy with abs and hairless). As a normal young man, I watch porn movies and 2-3 years ago I found that I'm attrated to bear men. So far, no problem because I never had a crush in any man, until recently.

Even if I know for a while that I'm attrated to men I'm still in the closet to myself (I'm tring to leave the denying fase). It's easy to control yourself if you don't have strong feeling for anyone. But everything chance when does feeling came aboard. There's a friend of mine (probably my best friend) that I know for 3 years and I start to have feelings from him in the last 4 months. In the first month I was really happy but then I came back to reality. I'm trying to forget him (because nothing can happen between us) but it's really hard and I thing I'm going to explode. I'm very rational and I always assume that love is something superficial and easy to control but I couldn't be more wrong. I really feel a physical and an emotional attraction over him.

The reason I'm writing here is because I have no ideia what to do to move forward, and I think that my body is reacting negatively to this impasse (I'm with stomach problems for 3 months I think that's because the anxiety and tension that this situation is giving me).

So... What should I do? Let the time do it's work? Should I see a psychologist? Should I talk to him? I'm thinking to much over this and stick of not having a clue what to do.

 

[spooky]

You're a young man with the world before you, so do give it a try.
Its honestly the only thing that can really inform you about what is and what isn't.
You'll make mistakes and sometimes feel confused so long as you know what feels good and what feels right...
Its a experience, good or bad it will build up your awareness of you and the world around you... the good thing about that is if you learn from your experiences, then you'll know whether your surroundings are conducive to allowing you to be who you want to be or not.

Its that simple unless of course the environment and people around you aren't forgiving... I know how that feels. With that I would say seek out good people to surround yourself with, who will support and encourage you.

Best of luck on what you decide to do.

 

[dude410]

Thanks for the reply and the encouraging words.

But the thing is: I have no idea what to do to get out this situations. I'm trying to forget him but I can't and there's always a little part of me that preserve hope (I'm not 100% sure about is sexuality).

 

[Seasoned]

Your mind and body are finally reacting to your pent up horniness, would be my guess. If a person is not asexual then it is natural to want and pursue sex. Since you're in the closet and since no one has come on to you that you find desirable you've developed an attraction to someone close and safe. This happens to a lot of people and then wishful thinking sets in and wishful thinking. If you add masturbatory fantasy into the mix, the senario can become intense overwhelming.

The way out of it is to come out to your friend, or, if you're confused, let him know that.

Even if you think he's struggling, which might just be wishful thinking, it's best to take the risk first. Even if his sexuality is gay or bi, you're further along in your process and it's causing stress.

Friends are our first place to look for support and empathy.

 

[dude410]

Thank you so much for the reply. I think your description fits well in my case. I'll have to spend more time with my own thoughts to earn enough courage to tell him that I have feelings for him. I'm pretty sure that he won't judge me but I don't think that I'm stable emotionally enough to expose this situation and ask him for help.

Thank again for the words, it means a lot.

 

[TX-Beau]

No no, DON'T tell him you have feelings for him, tell him you're gay. He won't thank you for making your feelings his responsibility.

 

[KaraBulut]

...my body is reacting negatively to this impasse (I'm with stomach problems for 3 months I think that's because the anxiety and tension that this situation is giving me).

So... What should I do? Let the time do it's work? Should I see a psychologist? Should I talk to him? I'm thinking to much over this and stick of not having a clue what to do.

The issue isn't the attraction to the friend. It's your issue and until you deal with your sexual orientation, you will continue to be attracted to guys who are unavailable.

Working with a therapist is a good start.

 

[dude410]

No no, DON'T tell him you have feelings for him, tell him you're gay. He won't thank you for making your feelings his responsibility.

If, eventually, I talk to him about this I don't pretend to hide the fact that I have feelings for him. I don't pretend to make my feelings his responsibility but the only reason I see to tell him about my sexuality is tell him all the truth.

The issue isn't the attraction to the friend. It's your issue and until you deal with your sexual orientation, you will continue to be attracted to guys who are unavailable.

Working with a therapist is a good start.

I don't understand your statement. Are you saying that I'm attracted to unavailable men because I'm not comfortable with my sexuality?
And yes, I probably will see a therapist soon. I think it's the best solution.

Thank you for the replies.

 

[TX-Beau]

You are attracted to unavailable men because you are in the closet and that is all you ever associate with.

It's also possible you are attracted to men whom you have no possibility of getting precisely because you know there is no possibility and therefore no danger of actually having to do something "gay."

Both are common things for guys in the closet.

Telling this guy you "have feelings" for him is not something noble or honest, it's an imposition, you are NOT dating him. What exactly is he supposed to do with that information?

You will make him awkward, possibly make him run, and then where are you? If you tell him you "have feelings," or indeed when you tell anyone that, you are indeed making that person responsible, it's the nature of the beast, it's usually inappropriate, and almost always backfires.

Save that for someone you've actually been dating.

 

[dude410]

It's also possible you are attracted to men whom you have no possibility of getting precisely because you know there is no possibility and therefore no danger of actually having to do something "gay."

Both are common things for guys in the closet.

I won't argue you on that point because this is quite recently to me and don't have any experience at all in this matter. I just want to add that I never feel this way for any other person (at least until now).

You will make him awkward, possibly make him run, and then where are you? If you tell him you "have feelings," or indeed when you tell anyone that, you are indeed making that person responsible, it's the nature of the beast, it's usually inappropriate, and almost always backfires.

That's why I probably won't tell him. I don't really want to give him the responsibility of my problems.

 

[KaraBulut]

I don't understand your statement. Are you saying that I'm attracted to unavailable men because I'm not comfortable with my sexuality?
And yes, I probably will see a therapist soon. I think it's the best solution.

You are attracted to unavailable men because you are in the closet and that is all you ever associate with.

It's also possible you are attracted to men whom you have no possibility of getting precisely because you know there is no possibility and therefore no danger of actually having to do something "gay."

Both are common things for guys in the closet.

Being attracted to unavailable guys is something of a rite of passage for gay men. It's going to happen because the overwhelming percentage of men aren't gay.

But the difference is that out gay men who are available and are dating other gay men are much quicker to look at a straight guy and say, "He's straight, move on" and not hang on to unrequited crushes.

It's another reason that being out makes living a lot easier.

 

[dude410]

Thanks, now I get it. But as I said, this is recent for me, it will take me awhile to understand and clarify my thoughts.

 

[Rolyo85]

I recommend diving off the cliff. Worked marvelous for me. Just say "fuck it", put it on your Facebook and tell everyone. You'll be amazed how quickly you'll figure things out. The closet is poison, and it warps your experience as a gay man.

 

[bankside]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a complicated situation about my feelings and I reach an end point and I have no idea what to do next (or to get out this situation).

So, I think it helps if I start from the beginning. I'm a guy in early 20's and I never have any sexual/romantic relation with anyone (with this point I'm totally fine). I always thought of myself as an heterosexual person even if I don't feel the need that other guys have to run after girls. Only recently I've been confronted with my sexual orientation because I don't feel any kind of atraction from the ideal atractive man that society idealize (pretty guy with abs and hairless). As a normal young man, I watch porn movies and 2-3 years ago I found that I'm attrated to bear men. So far, no problem because I never had a crush in any man, until recently.

Even if I know for a while that I'm attrated to men I'm still in the closet to myself (I'm tring to leave the denying fase). It's easy to control yourself if you don't have strong feeling for anyone. But everything chance when does feeling came aboard. There's a friend of mine (probably my best friend) that I know for 3 years and I start to have feelings from him in the last 4 months. In the first month I was really happy but then I came back to reality. I'm trying to forget him (because nothing can happen between us) but it's really hard and I thing I'm going to explode. I'm very rational and I always assume that love is something superficial and easy to control but I couldn't be more wrong. I really feel a physical and an emotional attraction over him.

The reason I'm writing here is because I have no ideia what to do to move forward, and I think that my body is reacting negatively to this impasse (I'm with stomach problems for 3 months I think that's because the anxiety and tension that this situation is giving me).

So... What should I do? Let the time do it's work? Should I see a psychologist? Should I talk to him? I'm thinking to much over this and stick of not having a clue what to do.

Within all those feelings, is a genuine happiness you would feel if he met the girl of his dreams. When your feelings are true, you don't really need anything in return. If you know he will never be able to be with you physically or romantically, let yourself think about the happiness you'd feel for him when he moves on to the next chapter of his life with a woman. If you truly care about him, that feeling will outshine the disappointment you might feel because you're not The One, and you will have found your place as his friend.

 

[dude410]

I recommend diving off the cliff. Worked marvelous for me. Just say "fuck it", put it on your Facebook and tell everyone. You'll be amazed how quickly you'll figure things out. The closet is poison, and it warps your experience as a gay man.

For now, I can't tell it to anyone. I need to feel 100% confident of myself or I'll break down. I'm not ready for hold homophobic comments. And, even when I feel totally fine with this, I will not shout my sexual orientation to everyone, I hate to be the focus of attention. I'll simply not hide it.

 

[Rolyo85]

There's no shouting involved in having some information on your facebook profile.

Also, depending on where you live, there might not be ANY homophobic stuff. Plus, it only tells you things about whoever is saying it, not about you.