I Need Some Serious Help

[fenix87]

I'll try to be short (but if you need more information let me know).
I am currently separated from my husband and getting a divorce soon. When I met him, I was young and had had some sexual partners but no relationship. He was fifteen years older and had a couple of monogamous relationships. The relationship moved very fast, and we were married in less than three years. Within that time, we had a relationship with a few good times, but mostly he was jealous, controlling and liked to play mind games. There were also some instances of domestic violence. After being together for nearly seven years, I decided to leave him.
I moved to another part of the state and decided to start anew. I had plans to give myself some time and heal after so much pain. Now, I have met someone. He is also older, but very different from my husband. I really like him and I want to continue to see him, but I don't want things to go like before: too serious too fast.
How do I maintain a connection with this person but at the same time let him know that I want to keep it sort of casual?

 

[sixthson]

I think you do that by telling him what you told us. You have to be honest and upfront about everything. Tell him you need to move slowly and then not let it get too serious, too quickly. This is in your control, not his. Don't give him or anyone else that power.

Now, are you sure you are ready to enter into something new after all you have been through? Maybe you need to take a break for awhile? You aren't even divorced yet.

Remember, communication is key.

 

[fenix87]

I think you do that by telling him what you told us. You have to be honest and upfront about everything. Tell him you need to move slowly and then not let it get too serious, too quickly. This is in your control, not his. Don't give him or anyone else that power.

Now, are you sure you are ready to enter into something new after all you have been through? Maybe you need to take a break for awhile? You aren't even divorced yet.

Remember, communication is key.

Thank you! Yes exactly! I don't want to enter into another relationship but I do like this new guy a lot. We met for dinner once, and hung out with his friends the second time. I don't even want to call them "dates" because it scares me to think of myself as dating...

 

[tarallucci]

For the time being just keep seeing him as often as you wish and knowing him better. Enjoy the time with him but if everything is going great and he asks to move and live together or even get married, tell him there is no need to rush and that you are still tried from the previous relationship. You can love each other without getting married or living at the same place by the way, so there will be time for serious plans if it's working.

 

[KaraBulut]

Honesty is always the best policy.

Good luck.

 

[jaysizzles]

Thank you! Yes exactly! I don't want to enter into another relationship but I do like this new guy a lot. We met for dinner once, and hung out with his friends the second time. I don't even want to call them "dates" because it scares me to think of myself as dating...

It sounds like "dates" to me.

Nothing wrong with taking things slow and keeping it casual....just be prepared for the possibility that he may be looking for more, or for him dating other guys if you are not exclusive. (Do guys do casually exclusive?) Since you already like him "a lot", would his seeing others be an issue for you? Or, vice versa...would you seeing other guys be a problem for him? I'd say by your 3rd or 4th [STRIKE]"date"[/STRIKE] get together, you may want to have a chat with him on what each of you are looking for.

 

[fenix87]

It sounds like "dates" to me.

Nothing wrong with taking things slow and keeping it casual....just be prepared for the possibility that he may be looking for more, or for him dating other guys if you are not exclusive. (Do guys do casually exclusive?) Since you already like him "a lot", would his seeing others be an issue for you? Or, vice versa...would you seeing other guys be a problem for him? I'd say by your 3rd or 4th [STRIKE]"date"[/STRIKE] get together, you may want to have a chat with him on what each of you are looking for.

Lol thanks jaysizzles.

 

[Seasoned]

It may be too soon even for this. You may call it anything you like, but if he is the only guy you're seeing it's a relationship. It may be best to work on yourself and heal before seeing anyone on a regular basis. Even casual dating takes the focus off of you and distracts and deflects grief. It's best if you experience your feelings without attraction to another person offering "medication." This is the time you'd be bettered served by some alone time and time with family and friends.

 

[medic1]

I think you do that by telling him what you told us. You have to be honest and upfront about everything. Tell him you need to move slowly and then not let it get too serious, too quickly. This is in your control, not his. Don't give him or anyone else that power.

Now, are you sure you are ready to enter into something new after all you have been through? Maybe you need to take a break for awhile? You aren't even divorced yet.

Remember, communication is key.

Just this, sixthson's advice is excellent and gets straight to the heart of the matter. I wish you well, regards Adam...