I need to be okay with bottoming

[carpates]

I've got a major issue and i need some major help with it. Okay, as far back as i can remember, i have been a 'top' because that is what i am comfortable with and what is natural. But until about 2 months ago, i've been trying to challenge this as i have started dating a guy that i really really really am in love with. He identifies himself as top/versatile. I have come to the conclusion that, despite him saying it would be okay to just bottom for me on occasion, i know he would not be entirely happy with that type of sex. What i'm saying is that i want to learn to bottom and enjoy it. Not because i want to, but because i love my boyfriend.

Now on to the nature of bottoming with it. I have tried it a few times in the past and have never really been able to finish, and i have not been able to enjoy it. It really doesn't feel like i think it should (i clean, lube, relax, all that stuff). Another thing that i think is the main point of why i have trouble is the psychological point of it. I absolutely cannot STAND any sort of feelings of inferiority or desecration or any of that shit. I feel like any sort of bottoming is being submissive and i am having some major issues with that. Bf knows i'm having these issues too. I don't think i can even feel comfortable with being comfortable with a dick in my ass. It is obviously an insecurity.

Also, to add to the trouble, his dick is incredibly thick. He told he had an ex dump him because the ex could not take it (ex being a bottom). Especially since there have only been about 2 1/2 dicks in my ass before, this will be problematic without a doubt. I've heard that it's a good idea to use dildos and slowly increase their size.

Help guys, i really need it. I can't believe how in love i am with this guy and, for him, i would like to pursue a versatile relationship. Feel free to ask questions that pertain to this, i'm sure there are plenty of things that i left out. But i have to put an end to this problem

 

[carpates]

Btw, i'm not a complete newb, i had an account on here 3 years ago but i deleted it. I've been lurking ever since

 

[Kyanimal]

Several things cum to mind that might help by thinking about them, and keeping them in perspective ...

The most sensitive/sensual part of you, with the highest number/resolution of nerve endings, is your anus.

Your prostate gland, which secretes fluid for your sperm to swim in, is located right next to the lining of your rectum, and when stimulated from "inside" get's even more pleasurably excited.

Your sphincter is Very elastic, and can stretch to accommodate things more than you might ever imagine.

Though bottoming is often considered being "submissive", if you think of it as using your ass to get him off, and you get to be really good at that, with practice, the bottom can very much be the "dominant" one.

Knowing what it's like to be a good bottom also serves to make you a better top.

It takes a "REAL MAN" to thoroughly take a major boner up his butt!

Becoming truly versatile, in Everything involving Sex, 'opens up' more intimate possibilities to get closer to your Guy, physically AND emotionally.

There are likely more concepts, butt I hope these few might help you in your approach to this.

And, perhaps more important than anything else ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[TX-Beau]

Bottoms will tell you it feels like heaven, great for them, I have absolutely no hangups about bottoming - and I get absolutely no pleasure out of it. The ONLY reason I'll do it, is for my partner.

Otherwise it's just uncomfortable. No matter who's tried, how patient they've been, no matter the size of the cock, nothin.


Now if that's how you are, reconcile yourself to it, it's not going to change.

If however, you could enjoy it but won't let yourself, that's another problem entirely.

 

[Greendragon]

It comes down to whether you love him enough to challenge this insecurity about being 'submissive'. It is all in your head and I think you recognise this. Do you lose respect for your partner as a man after you top him?

If you can deal with this the physical part should follow. Maybe talk it over with a gay-friendly counsellor?

 

[MindBlast]

You might be able to turn this around by being 'on top' when you're bottoming. The whole term is sort of messed up.

You could have him lay on his back, and then sit on his dick. That way, YOU are in control of how much of it goes up you. YOU are in control of the pace as well. Plus you can kind of pin down his shoulders with your hands as sort of a sign that "I've got you here". It's a bit of a power play but it can be fun and might help you with your hangups.

Or even better, if you guys are willing to try some adventurous stuff, see if he'll agree to be tied up and you can spear yourself on his dick.

 

[makeurowndstny]

I believe that half of it is a trust issue. Back when I used to hook up I could never bottomed because it hurt and I got no pleasure from it, but when I did it with my boyfriends it felt amazing and it was all I wanted to do. It is definitely a psychological thing and a trust thing. Also, I am a very dominant person, but I still bottom... ride your boyfriend, be dominant.

 

[Seasoned]

I think it's a sexist mental block. We all have our preferences, but why would one guy's anus feel nothing while other's are jumping for more? Does he rim you? Does he finger you? How does that feel?

I think part of it is hanging around too many straight guys with the exit only mentality and the guys on the down low who still identify as straight because they don't take dick.

There are all kinds of ways to get that hole ready until you are climbing the ceiling. And unlike a thick dildo there is sponginess and give with a dick. I'd encourage a long training program, which keeps you in control. In actuality the bottom is in control. That top ain't getting off without him no matter how dominant he is.

 

[makeurowndstny]

That top ain't getting off without him no matter how dominant he is.

This is completely true.

What helped me bottom was to finger myself when masturbating as well as eventually getting a smaller vibrator (best is to get one about the size of your man's penis) and using it about once a week. It felt weird at first, but in the end it felt (and still feels) really good.

Finally, right before you have sex you need to make sure he fingers you or you finger yourself during foreplay and if possible have him rim you. Try riding him so you are in complete control.

 

[Scottyboi]

in regards to defeating this notion of bottoming being the 'passive' or 'womans' role, maybe your a power bottom? Try cowboy (you'd be on top while he inserts) and place yourself in a position of control. You can be dominant and still be the bottom (and as a top I love it cause it shows the guy really wants my cock ;D)

 

[bankside]

I absolutely cannot STAND any sort of feelings of inferiority or desecration or any of that shit. I feel like any sort of bottoming is being submissive and i am having some major issues with that. Bf knows i'm having these issues too. I don't think i can even feel comfortable with being comfortable with a dick in my ass. It is obviously an insecurity.
But i have to put an end to this problem

I think we've found the issue.

All the time you've been happy to fuck other guys, did you think they were inferior to you? Cause that kind of sounds messed up. I don't mean to dump on you...I think that's actually kind of a common fantasy. But it's never one that I understood, and if my BF came at me like that I wouldn't be able to fuck him because it would turn me off.

I love him. He impresses me. He's my equal. That's why I want to fuck him in the first place. And also why I want him in me.

I do have to ask that question though. Why could you fuck guys if you think they're inferior?

Anyway, as far as the physical part of making it happen, I think that's easier to figure out. It's just like training for any physical skill. Practice makes perfect. I'm longer than average. My guy is larger in all directions. He's easily as thick as my wrist. And your ass needs to get trained up in order to take it. That does not mean stretched out and a worn out nasty hole. It's really just another kind of fitness & flexibility.

Get a few dildos. A lot of lube. (I like standard KY.) And enjoy them when you're horny. Don't worry about your dick going down while you're concentrating on your ass. It will rise up when it's ready.

Be patient. This is something you can get good at over the next few weeks to a couple of months with regular practice. And an absolute rule: never put up with any burning, cramping, searing, tearing, or painful sensations. It's not required for good anal sex. If something doesn't feel right, ease up or stop completely. I suppose some people go for that if they have some kind of pain fetish, but in my mind it would definitely ruin it, and possibly cause injury.

Put a lubed up Dildo against your hole and apply pressure, but don't shove it in. Let your ass block it. Just keep applying gentle pressure. Maybe adjust the angle a bit. Eventually your ass will let things begin. The ass kind of has a mind of its own and you have to listen to it. If it only wants the head of the Dildo that's it for the day, nothing else you can do but shower up.

It might be like that the first few times, but it won't be long before you can get more in. At this stage, it felt okay, nothing wrong with it. It made me horny, but for fucking, not getting fucked. It just felt okay. My ass was getting used to it but still not totally relaxed.

Then one day I dunno, it just figured out what to do with it. Things relax and it just becomes more comfortable and natural than you can imagine. Its like if you've been out of shape and then finally one day you can touch your toes comfortably or even put your hands flat on the ground without bending your knees. Seems totally natural even if you couldn't do it just a week before.

If the ass could talk it would say this: "No. No. No. No thank you. Not now. Okay just a little bit. Maybe not actually. Maybe later, this is pointless... Okay fine. Okay....okay....okay.... Yeah, that's not bad! Yes! Deeper! Yeah! YES! Oh fuck! WOW. YES. OH FUCK. FUCK ME! WOW ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!! OMG I HAD NO IDEA! FUCK ME! DEEPER! HARDER!"

Yeah, it's that good.

What's the payoff for all this? You learn how your own body works. You learn the skill. And you get to have a good time enjoying the other half of sex you've been skipping.

You don't have to ever like it as much as fucking - to each his own. But it is a skill that you can learn and practice and get good at whether it is at the top of your list or not. And the sensations are pretty unique and pleasurable. At this point I couldn't imagine living without either side of the versatile equation.

I've been with my guy 13 years now, and he is large, and we are both versatile. If we're both pulling overtime for a few weeks and we only have time for a quick JO together, I can get out of practice and need to spend a couple of nights with a Dildo before he can go to town. But after 13 years, it works, everything works like it should. I've never had any crazy ass problems. It just calls for common sense. Don't do anything that hurts each other. Depending on the day I can't go all the way balls deep because it gives him a weird feeling so you just hold back a bit. Same thing if you're the one taking his dick.

Oh, one more thing, this might sound weird, because they always say to work up to it with different sized dildos.. That is true at first, pick an average to small sized Dildo But sometimes a slightly larger Dildo is actually easier to take. The idea is to get the muscles of the ass to relax. But if the Dildo is small enough, it can go in with the muscles still gripping down on it. That's not really the same thing: getting it all the way in is not the same as being totally relaxed.. With a slightly larger Dildo the muscle has to actually relax for it to work. When it is finally ready, you can feel it giving in. Did you ever notice that on top? Anyway, remember: lube and gentle steady pressure. Try a small to average sized Dildo and then one at least the size of your BF...

Good luck and enjoy

 

[carpates]

I very much appreciate everyone's support so far, more help is always welcome so keep em coming. Some of these i felt required a response:

If however, you could enjoy it but won't let yourself, that's another problem entirely.

I feel this could be a big part of it. I feel like maybe i could enjoy it, but i am not going to let myself. Like, if i play with my ass a bit when jerking off (not fingering) then it can feel pretty good

I think it's a sexist mental block. We all have our preferences, but why would one guy's anus feel nothing while other's are jumping for more? Does he rim you? Does he finger you? How does that feel?

Mental block is the best way i can think of to describe it. But i don't think it's a sexist one, really. Like i said earlier, i've played with my ass before, but if i have someone else do it (even people i've cared about in the past) i just..am not comfortable. It kinda makes me feel like i'm being used. And the 2 times i've been rimmed, it just tickled more than anything

I think we've found the issue.

All the time you've been happy to fuck other guys, did you think they were inferior to you? Cause that kind of sounds messed up.

Did i say at any point that i thought every guy i've topped was inferior? No. All i said was that it makes me feel inferior to bottom


EDIT: It is also worth mentioning that even some of the words in this threads even make me feel uncomfortable, like "boner up your butt", "sit on his dick", "FUCK ME HARDER DEEPER" yadda yadda, all that stuff. Not telling you to not use them, i don't care really, just trying to expound even further upon my problem. Ya know, to hopefully get to the bottom of it (hurr hurr, no pun intended). But really..even the idea of bottoming makes me feel uncomfortable. Just thinking about it..meh

 

[Scottyboi]

watch porn and picture yourself as the receiving partner?

When you say 'uncomfortable' do you mean like in a guilty way? Like you feel like you've done something wrong? Cause I can still remember feeling like that after giving myself a handy back when I first discovered gay porn. A part of me felt..disgusted and wrong for what I had just done. Same feeling I got when I gave a guy a hand job for the first time back in February.

After those two times I didn't get it again so I don't know how you'd solve it but just wondering if you feel guilty about it or what you mean by uncomfortable.

Would it make you uncomfortable if the bottom told you that he wanted "Your fat cock in my tight hole"? this being with you as the top

 

[carpates]

watch porn and picture yourself as the receiving partner?

When you say 'uncomfortable' do you mean like in a guilty way? Like you feel like you've done something wrong? Cause I can still remember feeling like that after giving myself a handy back when I first discovered gay porn. A part of me felt..disgusted and wrong for what I had just done. Same feeling I got when I gave a guy a hand job for the first time back in February.

After those two times I didn't get it again so I don't know how you'd solve it but just wondering if you feel guilty about it or what you mean by uncomfortable.

Would it make you uncomfortable if the bottom told you that he wanted "Your fat cock in my tight hole"? this being with you as the top

Not in a guilty way. I'm not uncomfortable with gay sex or anything like that..i mean, fuck, i love it, obviously. Just very uncomfortable with bottoming.

And i do have trouble picturing myself as receiving when watching porn. But i really don't think porn would help me though, considering that in 99.9% of gay porn, a very important aspect of it is the top being toppy and the bottom being bottomy, if you get it. Kinda unrealistic.

Now if a bottom said that to me, i wouldn't be uncomfortable per se..the only problem i personally would have with it is that's just an awful campy, cliche thing to say. Obviously, i would not be okay with that being said to me (aka "You want my fat cock in your tight hole?")

 

[bankside]

Did i say at any point that i thought every guy i've topped was inferior? No. All i said was that it makes me feel inferior to bottom

You said this:

I absolutely cannot STAND any sort of feelings of inferiority or desecration or any of that shit. I feel like any sort of bottoming is being submissive

Any sort of bottoming. Including the guys who have bottomed for you. You think they're being submissive by bottoming. Bottoming means something completely different to me, which is possibly why I enjoy it as much as topping.

 

[carpates]

I am not trying to argue here, but 'submissive' is not synonymous with 'inferior'

 

[bankside]

Okay. I just didn't get why you put it all together like that unless you thought they were tied together. Anyway, I don' t want to derail the topic so...

 

[AsianDream]

Also, to add to the trouble, his dick is incredibly thick. He told he had an ex dump him because the ex could not take it (ex being a bottom). Especially since there have only been about 2 1/2 dicks in my ass before, this will be problematic without a doubt. I've heard that it's a good idea to use dildos and slowly increase their size.

Definitely practice with dildos - increasing in size - and make sure you cum each time you fuck yourself. It definitely worked for me when I first started (my BF gave me the dildos).

Maybe one way to overcome the "submissive" feeling is for him to rim you first while you squat over him or sit on his face - and then you go on top to be fucked (also puts you in control of how fast you're penetrated etc)

 

[makeurowndstny]

One thing you can also try is fuck him first before letting him get you ready and then fuck you. Tell him when you want to be fucked. That way you are adding more to the dominant side of things. But dildos and vibrators worked wonderfully for me. (Its now to the point that I can't touch myself while bottoming or its almost an instant orgasm.) Just make sure you cum while using them.

 

[FirstPlace]

What made you bottom for the other guys before?

I think you are having an issue with "role" in the relationship. This is because you are associating the act of bottoming with a certain role you want to avoid. The way you bottom does not have to be like how you see it in porn.

I may be reaching here, but i am going to go ahead and guess that you are young, like 20 years old? You have a quiet and reserved personality? You noted that "fuck me deeper" and comments like that make you feel uncomfortable. Do you moan while having sex?

Dude, your selfish(i don't mean that in a judgmental sort of way). You've been the top and you like shoving it in but when someone puts it inside you, you feel like you are being used.......did you feel as if you were using your partners when you put it inside them?

but this could be a deeper issue, maybe from a societal standpoint, are you 'out'? and what kind of community did you grow up in? a small town somewhere? where are you from? sorry i may sound nosey but these things may be important in regards to your situation.