I need to be okay with bottoming

[carpates]

What made you bottom for the other guys before?

I think you are having an issue with "role" in the relationship. This is because you are associating the act of bottoming with a certain role you want to avoid. The way you bottom does not have to be like how you see it in porn.

I may be reaching here, but i am going to go ahead and guess that you are young, like 20 years old? You have a quiet and reserved personality? You noted that "fuck me deeper" and comments like that make you feel uncomfortable. Do you moan while having sex?

Dude, your selfish(i don't mean that in a judgmental sort of way). You've been the top and you like shoving it in but when someone puts it inside you, you feel like you are being used.......did you feel as if you were using your partners when you put it inside them?

but this could be a deeper issue, maybe from a societal standpoint, are you 'out'? and what kind of community did you grow up in? a small town somewhere? where are you from? sorry i may sound nosey but these things may be important in regards to your situation.

Lemme see how many of these i can answer.

The guys i've bottomed for before..2 of them were boyfriends (the second one of them i barely even got it in me) then the third guy was a friend, i wanted to try it though, we tried to play around with a Dildo first, which made me like instantly soft, and it was still uncomfortable

Yes i am young..younger than what you guessed, actually. However, my personality is not quiet and reserved at all. It's more like nice, straightforward, and guarded. No i do not moan having sex, but i do when i am cumming

Okay, one last time: I DO NOT LOOK DOWN UPON BOTTOMS. I don't think they are inferior, lesser, or anything like that. I don't even really think of that. All i know is that's how it makes me feel

I'm not too out, i am not comfortable with people knowing, but i'm pretty comfortable with my orientation overall. I don't feel bad after i cum with a guy or anything like that. I was brought out in pretty decent conditions. Not too small a town, was well known throughout high school, not for any bad reason. Sexually, everyone sort of knew me as "i though he was gay? i thought he was straight? who cares, he's a cool guy" It's central florida btw, whatever relevance that is

 

[bankside]

Why do you think it doesn't make other men feel that way? including those you've been with?

 

[carpates]

Because i've talked to them before and all they say is that they just enjoy it (like some of the other guys in this thread). Like right now, i'm talking to a friend i used to have sex with. He said he's mostly like me, he just enjoys bottoming as well..i wish i could be like that

 

[TX-Beau]

Which doesn't answer his question, why can't you? Straight men don't look down on women, but that doesn't mean they aren't sexist, or misogynistic to some degree, and if that's the archetype in your head, this is all about misogyny, and the way you define masculinity or betray it.

Plus if you're very young, you're going to be extremely neurotic about this stuff, because you haven't lived long enough to define who you really are as a man yet.

 

[Kyanimal]

I'm not all that sure carpates problem is as much about "the image" as some of us are homing in on.

He has tried it, and has not found the pleasure in it that many of us have.

That's entirely understandable. I wasn't all that thrilled with it, when I first began trying it, either. And, like carpates, I was trying it in hopes of finding/experiencing what others were enjoying with such enthusiasm.

My epiphany "came" when a skilled top found my prostate, and WOW!! Seemed like "Animal" couldn't stop shooting, and no one was touching "Him"!! I swear I saw Stars, and all kinds of other things!!

Once I knew what that felt like, I found I could angle/twist/push myself onto the top in such a way to insure that "HIT" again!!

It does take being able to completely relax, and totally give yourself over to the sensations coursing through your body! Butt, there are also ways to control/assist the top in giving you that sheer JOY of getting FUCKED!

It takes communication, patience, and practice, Practice, PRACTICE!! And, LOTS of Lube!!

I sincerely wish for you, carpates, that you can realize/reach that Plateau. I promise, there is NOTHING like it!

It's also important to ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[carpates]

Which doesn't answer his question, why can't you? Straight men don't look down on women, but that doesn't mean they aren't sexist, or misogynistic to some degree, and if that's the archetype in your head, this is all about misogyny, and the way you define masculinity or betray it.

Plus if you're very young, you're going to be extremely neurotic about this stuff, because you haven't lived long enough to define who you really are as a man yet.

You're right, this could be because of my definition of masculinity. You take a look around and tell me who always seems to be the 'bottom in the relationship'? Now, which one tends to be at least slightly more feminine? Oh, look at that, it's the same person. I don't believe that's misogynistic, i think that's being factual and observant

 

[bankside]

Well I actually think it's falling for a baseless stereotype that limits people from enjoying something good, but I know there are lots of people who live what seem to be happy lives that way.

To me, a masculine guy in a relationship with another guy is one who can fuck and get fucked, and who isn't shy about liking either.

So you don't look down on bottoming men, but you do think they're taking a vacation from masculinity or something...See that's the part I don't get. If I thought that about my guy, it would wilt my boner and I would not be fucking him, or vice versa...

This is not just about physical comfort, but also what you think it means about a person.

On the other hand, is sex just like a craving for food? Maybe you've tried spaghetti but you just don't like the taste. Maybe you want to stick with stew. I know some people say if you like it you like it, if you don't you don't.

But as you point out sexual expression is pretty important to a relationship.

 

[Greendragon]

"You're right, this could be because of my definition of masculinity. You take a look around and tell me who always seems to be the 'bottom in the relationship'? Now, which one tends to be at least slightly more feminine? "

Really? I'm curious as to how you know this? Do you go up to gay couples and ask which of them gets fucked??? How many have you surveyed?

I'd guess the majority of couples don't stay in the same roles all the time. And thinking about some of the guys I've fucked, a lot of them have been very masculine, believe me.

As for "Sometimes you can't change how your body works."

Don't be defeatist! You can do a lot of things with the right attitude. Anyway, the goal here is to become comfortable with bottoming, not for it to become his new favourite activity.

 

[carpates]

Let's be realistic here. I'm not talking about theoretical, i'm talking about realistic. Look at a gay couple and the more feminine one, even if just SLIGHTLY more feminine (talking about the majority of the time, it is rare but possible that both are equally masculine or feminine) is almost always the 'bottom'

 

[mbamike]

In answering your OP, buy yourself a medium-sized buttplug, then wear it a little each day until you can wear it comfortably for about two hours. This will train your ass to accept cock and diminish that need-to-poop feeling when you are penetrated. Practicing with a Dildo afterwards is good too. This will inform you if you need to douche or not before hooking up.

As far as bottoms being submissive, that is bullshit. I am a masculine guy and have been told I am an aggressive bottom too. That is a polite way of saying I am dominating. So, tops and bottoms can both be dominate.

When having sex with a guy, I try to give and take. However, I don't mine barking orders if the need arise.

 

[bankside]

Okay, if you need to be okay with bottoming and bottoms are supposedly feminine? then practice being feminine?

 

[BlackAdam13]

Why do you need to be okay with bottoming? It sounds to me like, for whatever reason, it just isn't in your make up. All you're doing is causing yourself unnecessary stress by fretting over your nature. What's the rush?

Despite being probably the world's worst bottom ever and generally deriving no pleasure from the experience, I have been able to bottom for guys that I've had a deep connection with (there have only been two) and actually enjoy it. For me, it was a matter of seeing the man I loved enjoying himself. It is possible but you can't rush things and you have to be totally honest with your partner about the situation. Communication and empathy are key, at least in my limited experience.

If you and your partner trust one another and are honest about your needs, then this is something that you can and will be able to work through together over time. There can be no unwelcome pressure from your mate, just as you can't put unrealistic pressure on yourself to perform (which it seems you are doing now).

I'm sorry for being long-winded, I tend to be when I write.

TL;DR - It can and will happen for you with the right person if you both are patient and honest with each other. I'm living proof of that. If you're like me, you'll never be a guy who actively seeks to be a bottom. But you'll eventually come to a place where whatever hang ups you had about bottoming won't be an issue if it's something you really want to share with your man.

 

[Kyanimal]

O.K. I'm a bit confused ...

First this was an "image" thing, then (I thought) a physical thing, and now we're back to the image thing ...

I've tried to give you some better perspectives about the physical part, hoping it might help you enjoy the experience more than you have. So ... now ...

Is this about what you think of yourself? OR ... is it more about what you expect others will think of you? Just whose opinion is it that you're uncomfortable with?

What you choose to do with your body is not going to change your degree of femininity nor masculinity. That's fairly well set by now. You are still going to be who you are after you've "done the deed". There is not going to be a flaming "IBF" (I've Been Fucked) sign appearing on your forehead!

If it's about what your partner is going to think ... well ... he should be exceedingly grateful, and perhaps admire you even more, that you're considerate enough to be versatile for/with him. If anything, it will add to the fun things that you do together.

It will NOT automatically give him any "Power Points" over you! Your relationship should not be a battle of "Oneupmanship", but rather a mutual sharing of/with each other.

Basically, and this might sound rough, but "Get Over Yourself!" Seriously! Sounds like you're standing in your own way to happiness!

Of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[carpates]

Okay, if you need to be okay with bottoming and bottoms are supposedly feminine? then practice being feminine?

I'm gunna go ahead and assume you aren't being serious there

O.K. I'm a bit confused ...

First this was an "image" thing, then (I thought) a physical thing, and now we're back to the image thing ...

I've tried to give you some better perspectives about the physical part, hoping it might help you enjoy the experience more than you have. So ... now ...

Is this about what you think of yourself? OR ... is it more about what you expect others will think of you? Just whose opinion is it that you're uncomfortable with?

It really is both an image and physical thing, but mostly an image/mental thing. I do completely realize that i basically need to get the fuck over it, but i don't respond well to that type of command, even if self induced (aren't we all that way..). However
i have decided that i am going to overcome this issue, but it's just proving to be harder than expected. Which is why i'm trying to seek help and guidance

 

[bankside]

I'm gunna go ahead and assume you aren't being serious there

well you gotta give me something to work with, is all i'm saying....

 

[Kyanimal]

Introspection is not always the easiest thing to do. All of us seem to fall prey to preconceived notions.

That said ... It's often important to try to take an objective step, or two, away from ourselves, and attempt a good look at what we're thinking, why we might be looking at things the ways we do, and be able to call, "Bullshit!", when we see it.

The questions are easier than Honest answers, and sometimes Logic simply doesn't "take" (at first)! If you look at it long enough though, sometimes the "Light" will simply CLICK! "ON".

SO ... Why DO you think the way you do? Sounds like all the "Social Dogma Kool-Aid" that ALL of us have been force-fed since we were first able to understand language.

However, each of us DO have the Power of Free Will. We are free to reach our own decisions and conclusions. We are quite capable of directing our own lives. The sway of what others might think of us is only as strong as we allow it to be.

It really does boil down to "Mind over Matter". If you don't Mind, it doesn't Matter!

Take a close look at what you think it takes to be a "Man". My interpretation of a "Man" is someone who creates his own thoughts/points of view from what he observes/experiences. A "Man" is someone who has the strength to OWN Himself, no matter what that might be. A "Man" is also someone who is flexible enough to change/adapt his views under differing circumstances/information. A "Man" is someone who can take an objective look at himself, and take Pride in what he sees, no matter what others might think. A "Man" stands for himself, and those that are close to him. And I could go on, and on ...

Take a good look at my "siggy", and give it some thought.

Of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[rareboy]

If you think that bottoming somehow puts you in an inferior position in a sexual relationship, then we're all wasting our time here.

Including you.

We do sexual things because they are enjoyable...not because it is some cross to bear or task to check off a list.

I think the right guy could change your mind about all of this...you just still haven't met him.

 

[RDaniel]

I think I'm extremely young (and new to this site ;]) to be giving out advice but from what I read it looks like you constantly think yourself as inferior when you bottom. And, you keep causing yourself to get stressed over this and as well all know stress in the bed is not good.

This is different from what you feel but it might help...
Now when my boyfriend and I started to have anal sex (he was the bottom) I knew that it wasn't causing any pleasure what so ever. I told him to try to relax but he kept telling me how it didn't feel good and caused pain.

So, thats when we started experimenting with dildos but no avail there either. I kept telling him that as long as keeps thinking that its not be good for him. With this said he finally started to relax the few times we tried again. And, little by little he liked it.

TL;DR- as long as you think about being "inferior" the more stress you just put yourself in. Of course, he had a completely different problem then you but in the end it was a mental thing.

 

[handyman76]

Being a bottom doesn't make you submissive, unless you submit. If you do it because you want to, it's not submitting. Ditto for being effeminate. If you're masculine, that's not gonna change just because you let someone top you. If you're effeminate, avoiding being a bottom ain't gonna fix that. You have to know who you are to begin with. You have to have confidence in yourself, or you're stuck.

That being said, love is about both giving and taking. If your bottoming is something that's important to both of you, then this might be the case where you give. On the other hand, after thinking about all the advice you've gotten in this thread, if it's really important to you not to bottom, then maybe your BF should be the one to give.

 

[carpates]

I kept telling him that as long as keeps thinking that its not be good for him.

I think you accidentally a few words. And i'm curious..just how old are you?