Hey there guys. This is my first post on here. I just feel like I need to blog about how I feel right now and I just need some responses, advices, and/or feedback. Thank you so much.
So I was dating this one guy for about a year, and I love him so much. Recently, he ended things between us via text, excuse me for my bad language, but that is a bitch move. I'm really upset at him and I feel that I really really hate him so much.
We first talked on October 31, 2008, when I posted up an ad on Craigslist. It was one of those urges that I had and fantasies, I guess. I just wanted to do something with a guy. By posting an ad up, I got some responses. Then, I got a response from him. I'll call him Jay, which is not his real name, lol. He's is 26 and I'm 19. I got his picture in that email, and he seemed like a pretty decent looking guy. We started talking from there, emailing each other first, then exchanged numbers and AIM screennames. In December 2008, we started texting each other everyday and calling each other. Every time I walked home from school, I would call him to talk to him for 30 minutes. I felt like there was a "bond" between us, and I really liked that. This continued on and on until April 2009, when we decided to meet up for the first time at Starbucks. We talked and talked, and I really liked him. I guess this is love at first sight? But we didn't do anything until he picked me up from I had a retreat on the weekend at UCLA. He took me back to the valley (where I live), and he booked a motel room. But I was pretty shy and nervous that I told him that I wasn't ready. So he canceled the room, and then we just did stuff in the car. It was such a great experience and I loved it. It was my first time kissing and making out with a guy. So then, I really liked and I guess I fell for him. Ever since then, we would go to the motel to have sex and he would pay for it because I don't work. I only get to see him once every month, and if I was lucky I get to see him twice a month. Well, from there on, we were "fuck buddies." He was my first, and he guided me all the way through my first experience. He was the only person that I had sex with. He told me since the beginning that he wasn't looking for anything serious and no relationships. But both of us started putting emotions into this whole thing, and we started to like each other. We were there for each other all the time. That was a big mistake I guess. Ever since I got to college, I saw him more. I got to see him at least every week.
At times he would push me away and tell me that we are not going out and he told me to back off, which really hurt me a lot. Then, he would try to pull me back and tell me I love you. I didn't know what was going on. Why did he have to put me on this crazy rollercoaster. He knows that I love him, but I didn't know if he really love me or not. I was just so confused by his actions and his words. In September, I told him that I love him and he told me that we cannot be together. I was really upset at him and he didn't explain to me why. But NOW, I understand all this. He's just not ready. But we still kept talking and doing stuff with each other. I couldn't let go of him easily. I really love this guy. We decided to take breaks from each other. I tried to but I kept coming back. We tried to separate for a month, but I couldn't help it but to come back to him after two days. This happened to so many times. On December 31, we decided to go to a club but he bullshit so many reasons to not go with me on this day. (One, he got an offer to go to Vegas for the New Years Eve weekend, which he canceled. Two, he was worried about me on NYE night driving back home.) It turns out that he didn't go anywhere, and he wouldn't go to Rage with me. But then, he told me some truths that should have been told a long time ago. He said that he didn't know that we were going to get this "close." So he told me he had two jobs, and that was why he couldn't talk to me at certain times. He said that this we irrelevant compared to the second truth. The second truth was that he had a boyfriend before he talked to me. Before he met me. I just got really really furious, upset, and sad at him. I cried all night. I hated him so much. I didn't want to see him anymore but I still loved him. He lied to me. He lies to me about the smallest things. Why did I chose to be with him when he lied to me? Why did I continue on with this? I feel so stupid. Pathetic for the most part.
He decided to go to Vegas for the weekend, but he told me, at least he didn't lie about that. But I just didn't want to talk, and I avoided texting or talking to him for those two days. He said he really missed me and asked what was wrong, but I made a bunch of excuses that I didn't have my phone with me. I just didn't feel like talking at all. He messaged me telling me that he was going home and that he couldn't sleep because he was thinking about me all the time. He was worried about me, so he didn't stay for a third day like he said. After that, we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, him telling me that he loved me and that he thought he lost me and that I would never talk him again. So after that, I fell deeper and deeper, falling for him. Then, I felt that something was right between us and that I needed to dump him because I also felt that he cheated on me. I wouldn't know because he's a liar. Even til now I wouldn't know. After I dumped him, I missed him so much that I asked him to come back. It took him a week to rethink about this situation, and he said no and that we couldn't. He said that he was in denial whether he knew it or not. He said that I was right, we were boyfriends. That night, January 22 was the night of Rage's Gameboi's 7th Anniversary. I asked him to go with me and he agreed to take me out. His ex (Peter), on that night, invited him to go, but he turned down his offer of course. However, Peter didn't give in, he kept texting Jay that whole night. I could tell that he was furious at Jay for going out with me. The next day, Peter messaged me on my AIM. He knew who I was and I obviously knew who he was. I didn't really know him, but why did he have to talk to me? Why would Jay's ex try to contact me? What did I ever do to him? Peter tried to break my heart by telling me that they were still going out. What a jerk! I told Jay about this and he was mad at Peter, so he told me that he would stop talking to Peter and that things will end between them. I believed him.
So, we tried being friends, or least I tried to. This whole month was full of crap. It was just awkward, things weren't going anywhere. We talked but it was just awkward. I guess he and I just wanted to end things there. But I wanted to be celebrate Valentine's Day and I asked him to be my Valentine, and he agreed. But we didn't get to do anything with each other. He canceled on me last Friday to go to Battle of the Bands instead of the beach with me. From there, it got really bad and messy, we got in a huge argument, and he ended things on text. I wanted to end things as well, but I didn't realize that it ended and it got to that point. I was in shock for the most part. I really wanted him back and started to beg him, but he said no. We couldn't kept this going further. I really love him, but I really hate him at this point. I really really HATE him. Why did he have to do this for me? He told me that he just wasn't ready for another relationship. He doesn't know what he wants in life. He's not out yet, and neither am I. He just doesn't know what he wants. And he feels so bad to put me through this hell by playing games with my heart. He's done playing with my heart. He doesn't want to break my heart any longer. So all in all, I was dumped. For the past two days, I could not and cannot get my mind off of him. I even dreamt about him! And after I saw him, I woke up. I lost my sleep :/ I hate him so much, but I know in my heart that I still love him. I decided yesterday to see him one last time. We said everything we wanted to say and he still wanted to be friends with me in the future, like two months from now or whenever I am over him. But I don't know if that can be the case anymore. I know that this was shady, but I checked his phone and saw that he was still talking to his ex. At that point, I knew he was a liar. And I cannot deal with anymore of his lies. No more. I'm done.
Can ex's be friends? Or even get together in the future? I don't know. I mean, if I had the chance to go back, I would want to, but I don't know if I could go through all this once more.
Friday night, I went to a club to get my mind off of this dilemma. But it reminded me of him: the first time he took me, the way we grinded on each other, we made out, he was my dance partner... I envied the couples at the club because I had no one to dance with. But I didn't let that stop me, one of my friends came with me, and we had FUN
I'm thinking about going again this Friday to Rage. And I'm also thinking about making my own "single" sticker, lol.
But anyways, thanks for taking your time to read this. I just really need to "blog" my feelings out. I would appreciate it if I got some responses and feedbacks from you guys. I want to move on and get over him. Any ideas?
So I was dating this one guy for about a year, and I love him so much. Recently, he ended things between us via text, excuse me for my bad language, but that is a bitch move. I'm really upset at him and I feel that I really really hate him so much.
We first talked on October 31, 2008, when I posted up an ad on Craigslist. It was one of those urges that I had and fantasies, I guess. I just wanted to do something with a guy. By posting an ad up, I got some responses. Then, I got a response from him. I'll call him Jay, which is not his real name, lol. He's is 26 and I'm 19. I got his picture in that email, and he seemed like a pretty decent looking guy. We started talking from there, emailing each other first, then exchanged numbers and AIM screennames. In December 2008, we started texting each other everyday and calling each other. Every time I walked home from school, I would call him to talk to him for 30 minutes. I felt like there was a "bond" between us, and I really liked that. This continued on and on until April 2009, when we decided to meet up for the first time at Starbucks. We talked and talked, and I really liked him. I guess this is love at first sight? But we didn't do anything until he picked me up from I had a retreat on the weekend at UCLA. He took me back to the valley (where I live), and he booked a motel room. But I was pretty shy and nervous that I told him that I wasn't ready. So he canceled the room, and then we just did stuff in the car. It was such a great experience and I loved it. It was my first time kissing and making out with a guy. So then, I really liked and I guess I fell for him. Ever since then, we would go to the motel to have sex and he would pay for it because I don't work. I only get to see him once every month, and if I was lucky I get to see him twice a month. Well, from there on, we were "fuck buddies." He was my first, and he guided me all the way through my first experience. He was the only person that I had sex with. He told me since the beginning that he wasn't looking for anything serious and no relationships. But both of us started putting emotions into this whole thing, and we started to like each other. We were there for each other all the time. That was a big mistake I guess. Ever since I got to college, I saw him more. I got to see him at least every week.
At times he would push me away and tell me that we are not going out and he told me to back off, which really hurt me a lot. Then, he would try to pull me back and tell me I love you. I didn't know what was going on. Why did he have to put me on this crazy rollercoaster. He knows that I love him, but I didn't know if he really love me or not. I was just so confused by his actions and his words. In September, I told him that I love him and he told me that we cannot be together. I was really upset at him and he didn't explain to me why. But NOW, I understand all this. He's just not ready. But we still kept talking and doing stuff with each other. I couldn't let go of him easily. I really love this guy. We decided to take breaks from each other. I tried to but I kept coming back. We tried to separate for a month, but I couldn't help it but to come back to him after two days. This happened to so many times. On December 31, we decided to go to a club but he bullshit so many reasons to not go with me on this day. (One, he got an offer to go to Vegas for the New Years Eve weekend, which he canceled. Two, he was worried about me on NYE night driving back home.) It turns out that he didn't go anywhere, and he wouldn't go to Rage with me. But then, he told me some truths that should have been told a long time ago. He said that he didn't know that we were going to get this "close." So he told me he had two jobs, and that was why he couldn't talk to me at certain times. He said that this we irrelevant compared to the second truth. The second truth was that he had a boyfriend before he talked to me. Before he met me. I just got really really furious, upset, and sad at him. I cried all night. I hated him so much. I didn't want to see him anymore but I still loved him. He lied to me. He lies to me about the smallest things. Why did I chose to be with him when he lied to me? Why did I continue on with this? I feel so stupid. Pathetic for the most part.
He decided to go to Vegas for the weekend, but he told me, at least he didn't lie about that. But I just didn't want to talk, and I avoided texting or talking to him for those two days. He said he really missed me and asked what was wrong, but I made a bunch of excuses that I didn't have my phone with me. I just didn't feel like talking at all. He messaged me telling me that he was going home and that he couldn't sleep because he was thinking about me all the time. He was worried about me, so he didn't stay for a third day like he said. After that, we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, him telling me that he loved me and that he thought he lost me and that I would never talk him again. So after that, I fell deeper and deeper, falling for him. Then, I felt that something was right between us and that I needed to dump him because I also felt that he cheated on me. I wouldn't know because he's a liar. Even til now I wouldn't know. After I dumped him, I missed him so much that I asked him to come back. It took him a week to rethink about this situation, and he said no and that we couldn't. He said that he was in denial whether he knew it or not. He said that I was right, we were boyfriends. That night, January 22 was the night of Rage's Gameboi's 7th Anniversary. I asked him to go with me and he agreed to take me out. His ex (Peter), on that night, invited him to go, but he turned down his offer of course. However, Peter didn't give in, he kept texting Jay that whole night. I could tell that he was furious at Jay for going out with me. The next day, Peter messaged me on my AIM. He knew who I was and I obviously knew who he was. I didn't really know him, but why did he have to talk to me? Why would Jay's ex try to contact me? What did I ever do to him? Peter tried to break my heart by telling me that they were still going out. What a jerk! I told Jay about this and he was mad at Peter, so he told me that he would stop talking to Peter and that things will end between them. I believed him.
So, we tried being friends, or least I tried to. This whole month was full of crap. It was just awkward, things weren't going anywhere. We talked but it was just awkward. I guess he and I just wanted to end things there. But I wanted to be celebrate Valentine's Day and I asked him to be my Valentine, and he agreed. But we didn't get to do anything with each other. He canceled on me last Friday to go to Battle of the Bands instead of the beach with me. From there, it got really bad and messy, we got in a huge argument, and he ended things on text. I wanted to end things as well, but I didn't realize that it ended and it got to that point. I was in shock for the most part. I really wanted him back and started to beg him, but he said no. We couldn't kept this going further. I really love him, but I really hate him at this point. I really really HATE him. Why did he have to do this for me? He told me that he just wasn't ready for another relationship. He doesn't know what he wants in life. He's not out yet, and neither am I. He just doesn't know what he wants. And he feels so bad to put me through this hell by playing games with my heart. He's done playing with my heart. He doesn't want to break my heart any longer. So all in all, I was dumped. For the past two days, I could not and cannot get my mind off of him. I even dreamt about him! And after I saw him, I woke up. I lost my sleep :/ I hate him so much, but I know in my heart that I still love him. I decided yesterday to see him one last time. We said everything we wanted to say and he still wanted to be friends with me in the future, like two months from now or whenever I am over him. But I don't know if that can be the case anymore. I know that this was shady, but I checked his phone and saw that he was still talking to his ex. At that point, I knew he was a liar. And I cannot deal with anymore of his lies. No more. I'm done.
Can ex's be friends? Or even get together in the future? I don't know. I mean, if I had the chance to go back, I would want to, but I don't know if I could go through all this once more.
Friday night, I went to a club to get my mind off of this dilemma. But it reminded me of him: the first time he took me, the way we grinded on each other, we made out, he was my dance partner... I envied the couples at the club because I had no one to dance with. But I didn't let that stop me, one of my friends came with me, and we had FUN
I'm thinking about going again this Friday to Rage. And I'm also thinking about making my own "single" sticker, lol. But anyways, thanks for taking your time to read this. I just really need to "blog" my feelings out. I would appreciate it if I got some responses and feedbacks from you guys. I want to move on and get over him. Any ideas?
Just hang in there, little brother. Time does heal it, but it needs your help.