I need your help, Do gay men act feminine on purpose?

[happytrail 007]

There's some guy who apparently is new to atheism. I read somewhere that he said he's not homophobe but he hates gay men who act feminine, he said he hates the "faggotness" and he believes that they do that on purpose to feel fabulous. I talked to him and I tried to explain to him that they don't as far as I know. He insisted that they do this intentionally.The reason I'm trying to talk it through with him is I believe that he's able to understand because he's not a bigot. But first I have to understand myself; is he right? Since I have developed a bad ass gaydar I noticed that all gay men I know move, act, sound, and laugh differently no matter how masculine they are even the way they move their fingers, flex their heels, etc but it's more in a childish way than a feminine way. But anyway like I said I don't know much and he's waiting and I really really wanna do something even if it's about one person.

Could you help me? providing me with some links would be awesome. Please don't get me wrong I hope my English wasn't confusing.

 

[GregKII]

I sometimes catch myself doing feminine mannerisms myself and I try to stop it. I don't quite think that those who act feminine do it on purpose--although some are a a bit over the top. Everyone is different. Some people are more feminine than others, but we can't quite separate it into two clean cut categories.

 

[Rolyo85]

Being feminine is equal parts nature and culture. Can't really separate the intentional and the unintentional.

 

[G-Lexington]

Short answer - kind of.

In order to explain it to straight guys, I usually compare it to something they CAN relate to - sports and sports fans. Most sports fans ARE sports fans. They don't pretend to like football or baseball or whatever. They actually DO enjoy their sports of choice. They actually DO love going to games, and cheering them on. They actually do spontaneously leap out of their seats and cheer when their team makes that big score, and get angry and upset when the other team does the same. They don't think "Well, the sports-fan thing to do in this situation is to stand up and cheer, so I will do that." They just...do it. So, on that basic level, they're not "acting like sports fans" on purpose.

That said, some sports fans ramp it up. They buy and wear team jerseys. They paint their faces or chests for the home games. They come up with complex cheers to do with their fellow fans. This sort of thing would probably fall under "acting like sports fans" on purpose. But they're not pushing against their nature to do it. They're taking something that IS innate - the basic sports fan behavior - and then getting together with fellow fans of the same team, and sort of taking it to the next level. And, one would assume, enjoying the hell out of it. Some people might find it somewhat obnoxious, but others just recognize it as "people enjoying what they enjoy".

To me - that's precisely what it's like with effeminacy in gay guys. There's some innate effeminacy in gay men, ranging from hardly any to quite a bit. It might manifest itself in simple ways like crossing their legs when they sit, or a higher-pitched voice, or a bit of a "sashay" in the walk, or "active hands" when they talk. Most of the things at this level aren't forced behaviors. They don't sit at home and speak with deep voices when nobody's around, or walk with a heavy step when nobody can see them. It's just how they are.

And yes, some people ramp it up. They dress more flamboyantly. They get together with their friends and gossip, calling each other "girl". And I think these are somewhat more like affectations. Mind you, they're EASY ones, because they're already sort of on that path. Exactly like it's easier for a sports fan to decide to start painting his face than it would a non-fan to do so. It's just people with a commonality sort of reveling in it. And why not?

Lex

 

[Taz]

I find since I came out I seem to have more feminine mannerisms. Whether I adopted them from hanging around other gay guys, or just stopped being bothered to hide them I'm unsure of. Either way they occur without my thinking and it doesnt bother me.

 

[xbuzzerx]

I find since I came out I seem to have more feminine mannerisms. Whether I adopted them from hanging around other gay guys, or just stopped being bothered to hide them I'm unsure of. Either way they occur without my thinking and it doesnt bother me.

Tagging onto this thought, I think people very frequently get way too caught up with "nature" or "oh it's just inborn" to explain too much sometimes... and forget that psychology and mindset are huge.

I act differently when I'm dealing with a customer than I do when I'm dealing with a coworker. I act differently when I'm babysitting than when I'm around people who are older than me. And I have seen nearly ALL straight men act differently around women than they do around men... and I've seen gay men do the same when they're around gay men.

 

[Beachguyj]

No...................

 

[White Eagle]

In my experience I would have to say no they do not do it on purpose.
I lived in the next block of this family. I remember knowing them since I was 5. I am older than the boy and he acted feminine since he was able to walk and talk. After I grew up I worked downtown San Antonio Tx and leaving work one day I wanted to find a gay bar. Walking to my car I noticed a bar that I had been told it was gay. I jaywalked to it and when I got in, there was my feminine friend. Still acting feminine. He hadn't changed. His sister was born when I was 5 and her Mother, my Mother and the Aunt who lived across talked about me marrying her when we grew up. Well when I got out of the Navy, the girl and I became close friends and she turned 18 I asked her to marry me. She declined and that stopped the arranged marriage. When I got my computer and finally went on Facebook I found the brother and through him I found her. She has had this girl partner since she was 16 and still in school. So the brother was feminine and the sister butch. One other brother became str8. Not by choice I may add.
So, no, I have to say anyone who is feminine or butch do not put it on. They are born that way. I hope this helps.
Oh, yeah, welcome to the forum.

 

[Scealle]

I don't think so. As far as I know some people are naturally that way? I still love winter/ figure skating before as much before or after I came out to my friends and they don't really notice much difference.

 

[White Eagle]

I think Lex hit it pretty well. A good comparison.
Now xbuzzerx, bro, I think we may have our first disagreement. Sorry.

 

[xbuzzerx]

I think Lex hit it pretty well. A good comparison.
Now xbuzzerx, bro, I think we may have our first disagreement. Sorry.

That's okay. My post was not in any way meant to disclaim anything natural. I just meant that we emphasize it too strongly sometimes to explain most if not all of behaviors that are often easily qualified by context and mindset as well.

 

[JohnnyAnger]

I think up until recently maybe characters were played to extremes in the gay community purely because we were outside the norm. While a lot of masculine butch characters were not spotted by straight guys (they probably just saw them as some mad alpha) they did spot those who were out there effeminate. I think as time has gone on we have need less to play on these characters though

 

[eastofeden]

Ah...he would love my feminine side (or maybe not)...my feminine side kicks ass (literally)...unfortunately...it is not intentional...it is instinctive.

My feminine side is a lot like Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

As for your friend....how would he know if someone else did anything intentionally? Is he an expert on gay men? Perhaps he is gay himself and uncomfortable with his own feminine side and since HE knows how to hide it everyone else should as well? (just a hunch)

 

[blackbeltninja]

There's some guy who apparently is new to atheism. I read somewhere that he said he's not homophobe but he hates gay men who act feminine, he said he hates the "faggotness" and he believes that they do that on purpose to feel fabulous. I talked to him and I tried to explain to him that they don't as far as I know. He insisted that they do this intentionally.The reason I'm trying to talk it through with him is I believe that he's able to understand because he's not a bigot. But first I have to understand myself; is he right? Since I have developed a bad ass gaydar I noticed that all gay men I know move, act, sound, and laugh differently no matter how masculine they are even the way they move their fingers, flex their heels, etc but it's more in a childish way than a feminine way. But anyway like I said I don't know much and he's waiting and I really really wanna do something even if it's about one person.

Could you help me? providing me with some links would be awesome. Please don't get me wrong I hope my English wasn't confusing.

I'm a little lost as to what his atheism has to do with all this.

-d-

 

[jensu846]

Short answer - kind of.

In order to explain it to straight guys, I usually compare it to something they CAN relate to - sports and sports fans. Most sports fans ARE sports fans. They don't pretend to like football or baseball or whatever. They actually DO enjoy their sports of choice. They actually DO love going to games, and cheering them on. They actually do spontaneously leap out of their seats and cheer when their team makes that big score, and get angry and upset when the other team does the same. They don't think "Well, the sports-fan thing to do in this situation is to stand up and cheer, so I will do that." They just...do it. So, on that basic level, they're not "acting like sports fans" on purpose.

That said, some sports fans ramp it up. They buy and wear team jerseys. They paint their faces or chests for the home games. They come up with complex cheers to do with their fellow fans. This sort of thing would probably fall under "acting like sports fans" on purpose. But they're not pushing against their nature to do it. They're taking something that IS innate - the basic sports fan behavior - and then getting together with fellow fans of the same team, and sort of taking it to the next level. And, one would assume, enjoying the hell out of it. Some people might find it somewhat obnoxious, but others just recognize it as "people enjoying what they enjoy".

To me - that's precisely what it's like with effeminacy in gay guys. There's some innate effeminacy in gay men, ranging from hardly any to quite a bit. It might manifest itself in simple ways like crossing their legs when they sit, or a higher-pitched voice, or a bit of a "sashay" in the walk, or "active hands" when they talk. Most of the things at this level aren't forced behaviors. They don't sit at home and speak with deep voices when nobody's around, or walk with a heavy step when nobody can see them. It's just how they are.

And yes, some people ramp it up. They dress more flamboyantly. They get together with their friends and gossip, calling each other "girl". And I think these are somewhat more like affectations. Mind you, they're EASY ones, because they're already sort of on that path. Exactly like it's easier for a sports fan to decide to start painting his face than it would a non-fan to do so. It's just people with a commonality sort of reveling in it. And why not?

Lex

that is a great analogy!! wow.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

He obviously missed last week's great, straight acting debate.

...here we go again...

 

[ronboy]

Meh..., about a year ago, I got criticized in this very forum for asking the very same question.....

 

[rareboy]

We act the way we act. I have had some feminine traits that as time has worn on, have become dulled by lack of use.

BTW. Your friend is an ignorant douchebag. He should work on that.

 

[FPNY]

I'm totally butch except for when I imitate Babs in the Hello Dolly scene where she walks down the stairs into the restaurant.

 

[G-Lexington]

BTW. Your friend is an ignorant douchebag. He should work on that.

The best way he can work on that is by getting educated. And who better to educate him than us?

Lex