I need your opinion!

[Swmr2009]

Hey guys, here's a little background on my situation.

I've been out for about five years now, since 2007. I came out of the closet when I started dating my boyfriend of the time, Evan. He and I dated for about 3 years, and needless to say I fell hard for the guy. About a year and a half into the relationship, we moved in together, and lived together for the next year and a half. Things were going great from what I saw, we did everything together, said we loved each other, had sex regularly (great sex, might I add). One day Evan didn't come home from work. It was late and I was worried, I tried calling him and texting him and calling his work and I never heard anything. He never replied, work said he wasn't there. I let it go, thinking maybe he needed some space, maybe he needed time to think or something. So like I said, a few days went by and I tried calling his family. He was out to them and they knew me, so I didnt think it was a big deal, but I couldn't reach them either. Every time I attempted to call it was sent to voicemail.

Two weeks later, I'm picking up pizza and my phone rings, and it's Evan. He refused to tell me where he was, where he had been, where he was going, or why he disappeared. The only thing he would tell me was that he wanted our relationship to end. He told me, and I quote, "you're a heartless bi**h, that will die alone". He never came home again and never gave me anymore of an explanation why.

SO this is where I need opinions. It's been two years since Evan left, and for the past two years I've attempted to compare every man I've been with two him, and needless to say it always ends my relationships. What do I do now? I can't seem to just move on, and he refuses to talk to me about anything...

 

[swerve]

I cannot even FATHOM what he has put you through...

Sorry -- because of that, I have very little in advice that I can add...

YIGHTZ!!!

I WILL give you a HUG though...

There are MANY NICE guys OUT there...

 

[eastofeden]

Wow...that was bizarre. May I ask...did you have any idea at all what he was talking about when he said you were a heartless bitch who would die alone? The reason I ask...the picture you painted is rather rosy so it seems out of character and kind of bizarre. Were there events/indicators leading up to this event?

The reason I asked the above is because you are asking about moving on and I helped alot of gay guys move on when I was a bartender..but I will warn you because alot of people don't like my kind of advice and I am not at all trying to be cruel. This is the same advice I used myself though when I needed to move on so I know it works.

I think it is really important for people who are victimized (real or imagined) in their relationships to own their part in it. Victims rarely acknowledge their role in any relationship or situation and some go on to live their entire lives with a victim mentality. It is essential to see a situation clearly for what it is and own up to your role so you can leave it behind where it belongs. In your case...that might require you understanding what he meant when he said those things to you.

Moving on from a situation requires processing what happened IMO. Owning your role will give you that freedom you need to move on. That has been my experience. I wish you luck.

 

[Seasoned]

I think you ought to be comparing every man you meet to him but for the opposite reason that you are now doing. Unless a person is in imminent danger no decent human being would leave a relationship the way he did. I don't understand why your disbelief hasn't turned to anger. Without going through that stage you're not going to be able to get past this. It seems you're stuck in the bargaining stage of the grieving process.

http://www.m.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-grief

Best wishes to you.

 

[Swmr2009]

It's not that I don't accept my part of the failing of our relationship, its just that I'm not sure what I did. I would be perfectly willing to accept it and move on if I knew what actually happened. I don't know what caused him to react the way he did, and I was concerned over it at first, but I'm to the point that I just want to move on from the whole situation completely.

 

[Rolyo85]

Some times there is nothing you did. I am not usually a fan of this approach, but there ARE cases where the guy is just unstable, lashes out at the wrong thing and does something absurd. And if you've been honest about finding out what YOU did to cause it, yet found nothing, you should just move on.

 

[rareboy]

I also would be comparing other men with him but only to make sure that they didn't fit the profile of some hysterical uncommunicative nutcase who flipped out and probably left you for another guy, but wanted it all to be your fault.

I hope you burned his stuff.

 

[Grey_Sky]

This is strange... one year and a half together and there's no one else (besides him and his family) you could turn to and ask why he acted that way? No common friends to whom he might have talked about it?

 

[eastofeden]

It's not that I don't accept my part of the failing of our relationship, its just that I'm not sure what I did. I would be perfectly willing to accept it and move on if I knew what actually happened. I don't know what caused him to react the way he did, and I was concerned over it at first, but I'm to the point that I just want to move on from the whole situation completely.

I don't necessarily think it is something you 'did'. The thing is...you have this guy on a pedestal and he probably doesn't belong there and never did. If you are comparing everyone else to him...you have idealized him and again he probably doesn't deserve it and never did.

Taking responsibility for your part in it can be as simple as recognizing things that you overlooked. For instance...the most common one....if the guy is lying and cheating on someone else but tells you he loves you...alot of people overlook the obvious thing and pretend ...the guy is a liar and you knew it from the beginning. So...when the same thing happens to you...you need to take responsibility for ignoring something that you knew versus wondering what happened.

..or if he tortures animals....don't ignore that because the guy is 'really cute'...

How did he treat other people in his life?

...so instead of wondering what you did wrong as in a specific action...think instead about any signs he could have given you that you didn't pay attention to. I think you need to take him off of a pedestal and if you really can't think of anything I can give you one thing just from reading this little bit. I think it was rareboy who said it...you do not want to compare anyone to him...you need to take a good look at him and what he did and smash that pedestal that you have built. It really could be that simple. Maybe he is a sociopath and just he has no conscience?.

 

[Swmr2009]

From what I knew, which I thought I knew well, he treated others well. He had no drinking or drug problems, and of the mutual friends we had, all of them have refused to talk to me about the situation, they just say they would rather stay out of it. But a little update on the situation: I have no seen him since the break up, and the oddest thing is he came up to ME. And he acted like nothing in the world was wrong. He was joking around and kidding just like we were the best of friends. I told him to fuck off and walked away.

No I didn't burn his stuff, the only stuff I had of his were furniture shit, most of which I gave back to him. There was one lamp however that I took my anger out on.

When he and I first met, I don't ever remember there anything being wrong with him. I did my best to get to know him thoroughly before we even considered being in a relationship. I don't recall overlooking anything. But, as someone pointed out, I have and had him on a pedestal, so I wouldn't know if I did or not. I guess my main issue with the entire situation isn't that he left me. I don't honestly care about the reason he had or if he was cheating or anything, it boils down to me wanting to move on, and not being able to.