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I put myself in a position...need advice

T

terry61_99

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Hey guys I need your advice even though I think I know what I have to do. Well, let me fill you guys in on whats happened so far. But first a little backround on me: I am 49, single and very much in the closet. I have never told anyone I am bi except the few guys I have been with. I am totaly masculine acting.
Now heres the mess I put myself in.....I am a manager and about 2 months ago I hired this much younger guy who is totaly hot in everyway. (And no, I didn't hire him because he was hot....he is very talented and has a lot of skills and is very smart.) As time has gone on we have become friends and have found out that we have tons of thing in common and we have a great time when we hang out together. He just moved here from another state and is single....says he left his girlfriend in the other state as he moved here with his mom. He told me he and his girlfriend tried to stay together even they were so far apart but finally decided to not talk to each other anymore because of the distance between them. He hasn't dated anyone here and talks very little about girls but does say a girl would have to be very amazing for him to go with her.
Now here is the problem....he always smiles at me when he sees me, every morning he comes straight to me and says good morning and talks, each night before he leaves he shakes my hand and says good night. This last friday he shook my hand and then gave me a hug. He asked me friday as we were walking together at work if I wanted to hold hands with him....I told him not in public but what I meant was just not at work. When we went to a movie together halfway thru the movie he leaned up against me and just stayed there for a long time. We went to lunch the other day and he had his hand on the rail behind us and I put my hand on the rail against his and he kept his hand there and smiled at me. He also asked me friday when he is going to see my house.
My question thru all of this is should I tell him I am bi and attracted to him? He is just what I have dreamed for but I am afraid that maybe I am reading too much into this and he is not interested in me other than being a friend. I know I am his boss, and that makes this harder. Thanks for reading all this and I welcome any advice or comments...all I ask is that you be cool. thanks guys!!!
 
If you come out to him there you are likely to come out to everyone else at work. Being his boss means you are susceptible to sexual harassment charges if things should go wrong. What are you chances of finding a job elsewhere?
 
I think my chances of finding another job are pretty good, I may be buying my own business in the fall anyway. Believe me I have thought about how things could go wrong and I could loose my job and this friendship, but on the otherhand I believe true love doesn't come around everyday and I don't want to blow the chance that this is the guy for me....the guy I have been waiting for most of my life. I like this guy so much that I would come out of the closet for him! Thanks so much for your coments!!
 
He's probably into guys and knows you are too. You may be "very much in the closet" but there's a sixth sense that inevitably outs you to other gays.
 
Sounds to me like he is already giving you some pretty unsubtle hints. So show him your house. There there will be no "public" displays and if something should occur then so be it. You will have the privacy to act on things should the opportunity arise. And it sounds like it might. BUT the fact that you are his boss could lead to trouble down the road. BE VERY CAREFUL. Had a similar thing happen to me, as the boss, and unfortunatly the other guy, while sympathetic, was not interested and VERY straight. We are still friends though and he gets upset if I won't hug him when we greet and part. VERY upset. Go figure.
 
You're going to have to choose between your job and this guy. If not before you have sex with hm, then afterwards. And at that point, the choice may be made for you.

Lex
 
The real problem here is your loneliness and the fact that you've lived your life in the closet.

Along comes a guy who might be interested in you but who is your employee.

Whatever this may be, you cannot be his manager, his friend and his lover. And in your loneliness, you're putting the cart before the horse. How can you possibly be considering something like this when the two of you can't seem to be honest about things with each other?

It seems a bit premature to be planning a major life change without having a discussion with this guy. It is inappropriate for a manager to have this kind of contact with an employee. You need to put the brakes on this now. If the two of you have a discussion and decide that you want to see each other, then either he needs to transfer to a different manager or one of you needs to change employers.

But all of this is contingent upon the two of you having an honest talk. Honesty and full-disclosure seems to be absent from this "relationship" at the moment.
 
Well, this has train wreck written all over it.

Does he stand a chance at promotion by playing you?

It isn't a good idea that you're trying to be intimate friends with one of your workers. It is okay for a group of you to socialize but as soon as it is one person singled out, you can be pretty sure it will all go pear shaped eventually.

You're in so deep at the moment that i can't even think of a good way to extricate yourselves.

I think that a talk is essential. It has to centre around the potential issues at the workplace from you two enjoying each other's company outside of working hours. You need to both realize that it may be disastrous for staff morale.

The hand holding etc. is not normal behaviour for a boss and employee.

I'm sorry that you have reached this stage in your life and suddenly find that you are infatuated in this way.
 
Well, what exactly are you after? If you want to date this guy you’re both going to have to talk to each other. If he doesn’t know you’re gay, and you never tell him – you’re requiring that he read your mind. Never assume you know what’s going on in someone else’s head. You don’t. You won’t unless he tells you – and he won’t know what’s gong on in your head unless you tell him.

Expecting everything to fall into place without you ever having to take risks is a fantasy we all had when we were in the closet. But really, if you can’t discuss it upfront, why do you think those issues are going to go away if you manage to fuck him. Not to mention trying to date him.

A lot of time in here guys come post with exactly your problem, they want a guy who may or may not be straight, they’re in the closet – have no intention of coming out, and they have no idea how to proceed. If you won’t come out, any relationship you might have is already doomed. Hiding your partner isn’t a relationship. It’s putting him in a box and refusing to share your life with him. That never works. Sooner or later, it ends badly.

You’ve been in the closet for a long time. I don’t know why, only you do, but what it looks like you’re going through here is what a lot of us went through; in the closet when we were a lot younger, that’s grasping at any chance – regardless of any mitigating factors; because we’re terrified that nothing else will ever come along, because what came along, came along so rarely – because we were in the closet. It’s a self defeating loop. If no one knows you’re available, no one asks you out.

This brings us to the major problem here. You’re his boss, and while I’m sure that there are guys out there who think this isn’t a problem, maybe including you, it is. It’s not ethical to sleep with or date your subordinates. As a manager what would you say if one of your colleagues started dating one of his subordinates? I find it hard to believe that you’d give them your blessing and walk away.

Office relationships like that affect the whole office, not just the two of you – you must understand that as well – and when it comes out, and it always does, what are you going to tell the people you have to answer to before they fire you both

You say that you don’t think that true love comes around all that often, but you don’t even know if this guy is gay. We’re all very good at seeing what we want to believe. We can’t tell you if this guy is gay or interested, all we have is your perspective, and you’ve jumped from maybe interested to true love without any of the intervening steps. That doesn’t bode well.

What you have is an infatuation. If you had spent some time dating a lot of guys you’d recognize it. It will remain an infatuation until you have something more to go on than your own interest, and hope and speculation about him – and there’s only one way to resolve that. You have to take a risk. Don’t put it all on him.

In fact I’d say don’t put anything on him. If you really want to pursue this, sort out your ethical problems first.
 
Well, first of all I want to thank all of you for being so very cool and taking the time to offer me your insight and advice!! You guys are really awsome!!!! Second, I think all of you have made some really valid points and I will think this whole thing thru before I act on it. I know my being in the closet has limited my chances of finding someone, but until I find someone I don't see a reason to rock the boat I'm in. Catch 22 right? God I wish I knew what I should do. And maybe its true I am seeing things a certain way because of my situation. Please keep coming with the advice guys!!! Also, have any of you been in the situation? If so, what did you do?
 
I am really glad I posted here, you guys are great!!! Nice to know I have company too and I'm not the only one who has this happen to them!! I am still hoping to hear from more guys....love hearing your experiances!!
 
He asked you if you wanted to hold hands with him? Was that not a big enough clue that he's attracted to you? What two straight guys hold hands when they walk?
 
Good point, I only wish he would just ask me out! Next weekend he and I are spending the whole day together....I think that will be my chance to find out his true feelings. I just keep telling myself not to twist his actions to mean what I want them to mean, the other part of me is calling myself an ass for not acting on all his coments and actions. Today we were talking about a tight fit on something he was working on and he started talking about needing lube! When I mentioned you can;t have enough lube he agreed and said he always uses lube and loves using alot of it (K Y ) Then as I was helping him find something to lube what he was working on I put some of it on my finger to see how slick it was and he started using what I had on my finger to lube up the part he needed to lube up. Again...am I reading too much into this? HELP!!!
 
Oh just get it over with.

Go out.

Tell him you're a homo.

Ask him if this matters to him.

Tell him that being his boss means that you shouldn't fuck.

If he wants to anyway, then go ahead and do it.

And then live with it. Own it. Make the best of it.

Just don't sit around for the next five years of the remainder of your time on earth playing 'is he; isn't he'.
 
O.K.! This Guy "seems" to be "into" You! Then again ... is that truly the case? You're his Boss! Is it possible he may have other motivations for being a major "brown nose"?? And, just curious, exactly how Young is he? Is he truly aware of what he is doing to You ... as an individual, v.s., a Manager?? Where do His interests lie? It's quite sorry that your "working" relationship may be undermining a "possible" personal relationship! #-o

My story, and I'll try to keep this short ...

Hot, CUTE, Young, "Fun", Guy at work. I'm his "nominal" manager, in that I outrank him, and there's 20yr. between us. He's very Personable, ultra "warm" and Friendly, even Touchy/Huggy! But, he's like that with Everyone! Two of his younger brothers also worked there, and, they're both the same way! They're simply Incredible Guys!! ..|

So ... I convince "Mikey" to go with me for a week's vacation trip to New Orleans, where neither of us have been before. It's his first trip "out of state", AND his first time on a plane! He's just turned 21! We'll be sharing a room, but with separate beds, which I could have arranged "otherwise", but that's not the point! Oh! Did I mention he likes to get drunk?? :-<

Long story short ... Our week together proved to me that he was entirely Str8! Upon our return, I decided it was in HIS best interest that I back off, stop trying to "corrupt" this Fantastic Guy, and let him go on to live His LIFE to the best of His own desires! ](*,)

I arranged to have him transferred to a shift that was the exact opposite of mine. And, despite some of his later suggestions, that we "get together" for some other occasions, outside of work, I used our differing schedules as a "convenient" excuse not to do it. [-X

I would like to think I took the "High Road" with "Mikey". I KNOW that if I'd reacted to my own desires that His Life would be different, now, than it is! And, since he is no longer working in "The Kingdom", I finally let him know what all was going on "Then". And, guess what? We're STILL friends! (!w!)

My point is, I think, are You willing to put this Guy's own interests in front of Yours? Is your current situation truly what You think it is, or are You, possibly, "twisting" it to be what You would Want it to be? :confused:

Yeah! You need to have a "Chat" with Him! Be Honest, Open, and completely "Up Front"! Explain what You're feeling, and see if He's feeling the same way. But, also, You need to be able to accept the possibility that all is not what it appears to be, for Him! :cool:

Whatever that case might turn out to be, I'm wishing Both of you the Best! (group)

And, yeah! ... Most Sincerely ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!! :kiss:(*8*)
Chaz ;)
 
I have a feeling scones might be in order here. I'm gonna have to step up my exercise regimen.

Lex
 
Well, since the next chapter can't be written until after the weekend, there's time to bake more than scones.
 
LOL, you guys are funny!!! Just wanted to share with you guys something my friend (my employee) said today. We were talking and he brought up a conversation he and I had over a month and 1/2 ago about us going on vacation together and that we should start planning it soon. Am I dense or are the signs all pointing to him being attracted to me? I gave him this weekend off (it is his turn actually) and he told me to call him since we wouldn't see each other at work. He actually said " call me if you think about me this weekend" and you all know I will be thinking about him! I can't wait till next weekend!!!
 
Well, Terry ...

Given what you're saying, and what I'm hearing, I think it's time to book that vacation, and "accidentally" make it a "single" room! (!) (!w!)

I'd also suggest that you make it quite clear that, "What happens on Vacation, STAYS on Vacation!", and once you get there, you "Casually" explain that you ALWAYS sleep naked, and hope he doesn't mind! :badgrin: ..|

And, yeah! Give him a call this weekend! (group)

Of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!! :kiss:(*8*)
Chaz :luv:

(Most of our Regrets come from the things we DIDN'T Do! #-o)
 
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