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I really don't know what to do...

I

Icarus89

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Hi, I'm really confused as to what I'm gonna do in a sense that whether I should ever come out to my family or not. Please here me out

I was born in a Christian family and I have 3 elder brothers. Being a christian, I have my virtues and morals, and I'm brought up to be a decent person. My life is near perfect. I have a comfortable home, lots of gadgets, great grades, loving family, good friends, etc. The only "flaw" is my homosexuality.

So after hiding my secret for 9 years, I came out to my elder bro, he thought I was joking for a while of course, but later, as an awesome elder bro, he talked with me about it for a few hours. He said he still loves me and his view of me barely changed. I'm happy but also embarrassed that I finally let it out. Thing is, I don't know if I can ever com out to my parents or my other brothers.

I love my parents abundantly and I'm really close to them. Same for my brothers. I know that if I tell my parents, they'll still love me and probably try and change me. It's just that... I don't want to break their hearts, ever. They are the best parents I could ever ask for and I can't bear seeing them heart-broken. To further complicate things, I have a girlfriend[which I like but am not sexually attracted to]. So it's almost like they KNOW I'm not gay... So if I tell them, it'll be a big shock too. Moreover, my dad's a pastor so if rumors spread, his reputation will be destroyed.

Argh, I really don't know what to do! I feel like I'm gonna hide this secret from my parents my whole life but at the same time I feel like they should know. It's really pulling me down, seeing my brothers living the same "perfect" life as me just without the dilemma and fear of rejection.
 
well i heard the religious quote " the truth will set you free" and yeah tell the truth and you will be free ...
 
sorry to hear about your situation. but you got to come out, everything else is a lie. your parents might need some time to adjust, but if they really love you, if they are deserving of the love you obviously have for them, theyll get over it and accept you for who you are and always have been. dont worry about your fathers career, he can handle himself. and stop holding on to that idea of a "perfect" life. your life is obviously not perfect, its messy and complicated like everybody elses life, and holding on to that idea of perfection isnt helping at all, its holding you back.

break up with your "girlfriend", youre using her and its not fair.

those closeted 9 years lead me to believe youre in your 20es, so really, your parents cant make you do anything. the thought of "changing you" might cross their minds, but you have to stop that at its roots. its impossible, not to mention sick and fucked up.

(oh, and just as an aside, you dont have to be christian, or even religious, to have morals and be a good person.)

good luck
 
Just come out to them.

And get over the idea that being a Homo is a flaw.
 
Welcome to JUB! :wave:

You may be putting the cart before the horse here. In fact, you may have jumped the gun a bit in coming out to your brother already. Because the first thing you need to work on isn't letting your family know, but in becoming comfortable with your own sexuality. And everything about your post indicates that you're not. From the use of the word "flaw", to the fact that you have a girlfriend, to your insistence that your family has no idea. So I think that's where you need to focus your energies for the time being.

First off, break up with your girlfriend. Or at least, redefine your relationship so it's clear that you're simply friends. No hand-holding, no head-on-the-shoulder moments, nothing at all like that. By keeping her attached to you in a "girlfriend" mode, you're keeping her from possibly finding somebody who WILL be interested in being her boyfriend. Not just in a "I care about you" way, but also (eventually) sexually as well. And that simply isn't fair.

Next, start focusing on yourself. Start getting comfortable in being gay. If you don't have any gay friends - and I'm guessing you don't - JUB here can perhaps be a poor substitute. Get to know some of us. Post in some threads. Interact. Become more comfortable in your skin. Because, as rareboy put it very succinctly in another thread, being gay isn't a curse - it's a blessing. And once you grow to realize that, your coming out will be much simpler. You'll come out because you feel confident in who and what you are, not out of some sense of duty.

Lex
 
I'll just add that trying to live someone else's life is what got you into the closet, starting to live your own life is what will get you out. You'll never be happy living your life on their terms.

In the end, it doesn't matter who has issues, and who's a hater, because you'll come out for yourself. When you're ready, the idea of hiding will simply feel intolerable.


I'm going to reiterate this because it's really important - gay men who date women are both selfish and deceptive. You need to stop. If you care about her at all, then you care about her happiness, and she'll never find that with you. You know that, it's not OK to let her think she has something she doesn't, that's lying. End it sooner rather than later and let her have the same chance at happiness you want for yourself. You can be in the closet and not drag someone into it with you. She won't thank you for that when she finds out, and they always do.
 
Thanks for the replies. Actually, me and my gf is really recent so I kinda told her we're not going to any higher lvl than "Friends". Oh yeah, one of the posters mentioned about how not only Christians has moral values, yeah. Actually, many christians are weirder than non Christians. Thanks again for the replies.
 
Icarus89 said:
Thanks for the replies. Actually, me and my gf is really recent so I kinda told her we're not going to any higher lvl than "Friends". Oh yeah, one of the posters mentioned about how not only Christians has moral values, yeah. Actually, many christians are weirder than non Christians. Thanks again for the replies.
Click to expand...

i believe most true believers are mentally weak and non believers/skeptics are mentally strong.
 
I don't have much to add, since you've been given such great advice by multiple people.

I'll just reiterate that you need to love yourself first and foremost. I don't care how wonderful your parents are, you can't live your life for them. Believe me, I did that for over 40 years and in retrospect it was horrible.
 
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