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Hello everyone, I'm new here. I'm happy that I found this site. I don't know where else to turn to about my problems that I've been having lately. I've been going through a tough time with myself. I have been feeling worse for about a year now. Let me start off by saying that I am a homosexual. I've accepted that back when I was about 13 years old. I had a really hard time accepting it. I always knew I was different, just like most LGBT. I went to a bad school in Chicago. I was bullied at times, hit, etc. I really didn't tell my parents about it. I didn't want them to think I was soft or that I couldn't defend myself. My family has this belief, that if someone hits you, you need to hit them back. Well back then, when I was younger. I didn't have the courage to fight all those kids off. I was quite and kept to myself a lot. I often hung around girls during lunch time lol. I tried hanging around boys but they were always mean to me. Calling me a faggot, gay, etc. Girls didn't really do that much.
I didn't go outside much, we also lived in a bad neighborhood. I never liked the "thug life". I really don't like being around mean and ghetto people. And honestly, I was surrounded by it. Usually after school, I would stay home, play videogames, go surf the web, etc. My mother was everything to me. I love her even still to this day. I lived in a apartment with my sister and mother. My sister and I are alike. We even look like twins. She's three years older than me. My father and mother split up when I was younger, I want to say I was about seven years old. Honest to God, I don't remember him being around much when I lived with my mother. Only time I really remember him being around when I was that age is when my other half-sisters and brothers would spend the weekend at our house. I think he used to work nights a lot. And him and my mother would argue a lot and he would leave. (My mother is a drinker) The memories that always pops in my head all the time is when they would physically fist fight. A lot of times in front of my sister and I. The last time was when they finally split. I saw them fighting, my mother was on the ground trying to fight back while my father was trying to hit her. Then they went upstairs and started fighting again. My sister and I were too scared to call the police.
Moving a bit further, after they broke up, things started to change. Almost about a year later my father got engaged to my step-mom now Dawn. He announced it to everyone at a Christmas party at my Grandma's house. I don't remember ever meeting her until that day. I was p*****. I couldn't exactly figure out why I was upset, but I was. My sister and I spend the night over their house, and soon enough it became every weekend we would go over his house. I love Dawn now. She said when I meet her, we were in the car and I asked her a bunch of questions about who she was lol. I swear I don't remember that. Dawn is such a sweet person. But she is NOT my mother. My father, sisters, and other family members would often refer to her as my mother, and that kind of upset me. I feel like no one can replace my mother. Can't even come close. During this time I saw more of my dad but only one the weekends. We would often go out to the movies, dinner, etc. I think he was putting on a front for my step-mother, because eventually, all the s*** stopped. We still went over their home on the weekend, but we rarely went anywhere, we just stayed in the house. Or my siblings would go to the park or something like that.
My father and I never had a one-on-one connection. I feel like he was just an authority figure in my life, rather than my father. When I was younger, back in grammar school, sometimes I would get really upset and write either in a diary or in a sheet of paper, writing so viciously about myself and I wanted to **** myself. This happened about three times in my grammar school days. My mother would always talk to me about it and try to make me feel better about it. And it worked. She would call my father and tell him to talk to me about it. I just remember him yelling at me. Telling me that I should be lucky for what I have. Oh one time, I will never forget this, he told me, "go ahead and **** yourself, I have life insurance on you!". When he talks or yells at me, I often just stand there, not saying much. Hoping for the conversation to be over with. I think this has caused me to distance myself from him, and never open up to him. I think he does try to help but he doesn't know how to communicate with a child. I think he forgot the fact that I was child, his child. Or maybe he's just angry, and doesn't understand why I feel like that. He has a deep voice, so that always scared me when he's angry.
After my father remarried my mother took a turn for the worse. I was still getting bullied in school and I got into my first fight. I was in the 6th grade. My mother finally realized that this "hood life" isn't for me, and she asked my father if he would let me move in with him and Dawn. I really wanted to at the time, because they lived in the suburbs. It was so much nicer, safe, quiet, etc. She also knew that they had better schools, so she went ahead and let me move out there. One of my older brothers moved in with me. I was kind of excited honestly. Moving in with your Dad seems like the best. I thought it would be awesome.
It was...okay. My brother moved out a couple months after school started. He didn't like living in the suburbs. Too many white people he says lol. Most of his friends lived in the city and whatnot. My father and I still didn't develop a relationship. It was more of, I tell you what to do, and you should just do it.
I don't want to bore you'll too much so I'll speed up the story. Oh remember when I said my mother took a turn for the worse. I forgot to explain that. It's important. She became a heavy alcoholic. She quit her job, moved in with my grandmother. That didn't work out. They argue all the time. She meet this man name Dee, who is my step-father today. Now she lives with him, they are both alcoholics. She recently caught him smoking hole. Not a good situation at all. He supports her with the little money that he has. But he is very verbally abusive toward her. I've never heard someone be so mean to a person. He can be very harsh. I'm surprised that he's never hit her. I hate seeing my mother go through this. I wish I could just take her out of it. But I'm a struggling college student myself. Her and I rarely talk now. After I moved with my Dad, it seem like she didn't mind me being away, same with my sister. It seemed like she wanted to be a distant friend rather than a mother. She's lost a LOT of weight because she drinks all day and doesn't eat properly. I feel like my mother died. She's still alive but she's now going to medical problems because of her drinking. I feel so helpless with her. I feel like I should be there helping her. But I don't know how. I can't call her often because she doesn't have a phone. She can't afford it. We still have a close relationship. But only time I see her is when I have to drive to the city. I've been discourage to see her because a lot of times she'll be drunk. And I HATE that. When I lived with her she would often get drunk and start s***. Sometimes, I used to wish my Dad would just appear and take us. But I knew there was no point in calling him because, that wold either start a big mess or he wasn't able to pick us up because he's working or whatever.
Anyway, I'm so sorry for this long post but I think it's necessary. During high school, I didn't have many friends. I always felt so much more mature than most kids. And at times I felt out of place. I loved my classes. I didn't really study much because I wanted to just play video games and go on the internet. Sometimes the internet is one of my best friends honestly. It has helped me a lot in many situations. Living with my father and step-mother, I often felted ignored. I stay in my room all the time. I just feels weird hanging out with them. My Dad wants me to be around them more but it really just feels awkward. I hate that I feel that way. But I can't help it. I started doing gymnastics in high school. I loved it. It being super important to me. I even created a YouTube channel dedicated to gymnastics. I was good at it too. I became more physically fit. And I was kind of hot lol. My parents never came to my meets. I invited them to come and watch me but it never happened. My step-mom came to one of my meet. I was excited when she came, I was also nervous lol. I was happy that she came. My father on the other hand didn't come. My step-mom said he felt sick. I understood at the time. But when I came home after the meet. I'd seen him on the couch, watching TV and laughing. Nothing was ******* wrong with him. I was extremely hurt. I wanted to cry but I didn't. Crying never came natural to me. I felt as though he didn't care about me. Later that year he did come to one of my meets, and after that I never wanted him to come to another one again. After the meet was over we had a medal ceremony. I won a medal on parallel bars! YAY me! He was rushing me to get out of there so he could go home. I couldn't just leave during the metal ceremony, it's disrespectful because my teammates still had to get their medals.
During my high school years is when I started messing around with men. Like most noobies. I downloaded apps like Grindr and Jack'd. Most of them want sex of course. I had to learn the hard way that these men only want sex from me. I kept being sexually active up until about 5 months ago. I completely stopping talking to those men on those sites. I feel as if I deserve more than just a hookup. I'm 21 now and I want a real relationship. Haven't had any luck with that lol. But right now, I just want to focus on school and get good grades. But lately I think I've sunk into a bad depression. I feel unmotivated to do a lot of things. Hang out with friends, work out, etc. I feel like my memory is off too. Like it's harder to remember things all of a sudden. I looked up "depressive realism", I think I suffer from this. I've been really realistic with myself, my family, and friends. I've been realizing that I have no one to really talk to about my problem. No one is willing to listen to me. I always listen to all of my friends and family. But no one has taken the time to say, "Hey, how are you doing?" I'm always the one to say that. I had one best friend. He's gay also. His name is Josh. When I try to talk to him, he seems uninterested in what I'm saying. Then he'll quickly move on to what's going on in his life. Like, I don't have any feeling at all. I don't think he purposely does it. I think he's just like that. I've been looking back at my life, and I've realized that it's not as good as I thought. It's kind of bad. But I do feel really bad complaining. Because there are so many people who are in a worse situation than me.
About a month ago, I thought about just ending it again. It wasn't a serious thought. I was thinking about what would it be like if I did end it. I thought no one would really care. Only my sister really. Her and I are really alike and we're close. But she's going through a lot of s*** herself. I feel really bad for her. I wish I could help her. But there's not much I can do. =( I thought about seeing a someone. But I don't have health insurance. My parents don't cover me on their insurance. Yeah, great parents right. It's not my step-mom's responsibility to cover me. But it is my father's. When I asked him about covering me. He just doesn't seem to really care about it. He asked me what's wrong but I just said I needed it for my trip to Costa Rica this summer that I want to attend for school. I don't I feel as if he doesn't love me. I think he just doesn't want to be known as a deadbeat father (His father was a deadbeat). How can you really love someone if you almost never talk to them? I don't know if I love him or not.
Does anyone have any advice for me to move on and live a better life? It's really effecting me, especially for school. I can't concentrate and can't really memorize much anymore. And my mind is running all the time. But it's always been like that for me. I've never been able to tell my brain to shut up lol.
But I won't rant any longer. This post is already too long. I appreciate whoever reads this. It does mean a lot to me. =)
Also one more question I just thought of. How do you build up the confidence to accept who you are and come out? I feel like if I come out, I'll feel better. But honestly, being judge hurts me a LOT. I know it's pathetic. But I can't help it. I want to be happy and have a good life. But now it seems impossible.
I didn't go outside much, we also lived in a bad neighborhood. I never liked the "thug life". I really don't like being around mean and ghetto people. And honestly, I was surrounded by it. Usually after school, I would stay home, play videogames, go surf the web, etc. My mother was everything to me. I love her even still to this day. I lived in a apartment with my sister and mother. My sister and I are alike. We even look like twins. She's three years older than me. My father and mother split up when I was younger, I want to say I was about seven years old. Honest to God, I don't remember him being around much when I lived with my mother. Only time I really remember him being around when I was that age is when my other half-sisters and brothers would spend the weekend at our house. I think he used to work nights a lot. And him and my mother would argue a lot and he would leave. (My mother is a drinker) The memories that always pops in my head all the time is when they would physically fist fight. A lot of times in front of my sister and I. The last time was when they finally split. I saw them fighting, my mother was on the ground trying to fight back while my father was trying to hit her. Then they went upstairs and started fighting again. My sister and I were too scared to call the police.
Moving a bit further, after they broke up, things started to change. Almost about a year later my father got engaged to my step-mom now Dawn. He announced it to everyone at a Christmas party at my Grandma's house. I don't remember ever meeting her until that day. I was p*****. I couldn't exactly figure out why I was upset, but I was. My sister and I spend the night over their house, and soon enough it became every weekend we would go over his house. I love Dawn now. She said when I meet her, we were in the car and I asked her a bunch of questions about who she was lol. I swear I don't remember that. Dawn is such a sweet person. But she is NOT my mother. My father, sisters, and other family members would often refer to her as my mother, and that kind of upset me. I feel like no one can replace my mother. Can't even come close. During this time I saw more of my dad but only one the weekends. We would often go out to the movies, dinner, etc. I think he was putting on a front for my step-mother, because eventually, all the s*** stopped. We still went over their home on the weekend, but we rarely went anywhere, we just stayed in the house. Or my siblings would go to the park or something like that.
My father and I never had a one-on-one connection. I feel like he was just an authority figure in my life, rather than my father. When I was younger, back in grammar school, sometimes I would get really upset and write either in a diary or in a sheet of paper, writing so viciously about myself and I wanted to **** myself. This happened about three times in my grammar school days. My mother would always talk to me about it and try to make me feel better about it. And it worked. She would call my father and tell him to talk to me about it. I just remember him yelling at me. Telling me that I should be lucky for what I have. Oh one time, I will never forget this, he told me, "go ahead and **** yourself, I have life insurance on you!". When he talks or yells at me, I often just stand there, not saying much. Hoping for the conversation to be over with. I think this has caused me to distance myself from him, and never open up to him. I think he does try to help but he doesn't know how to communicate with a child. I think he forgot the fact that I was child, his child. Or maybe he's just angry, and doesn't understand why I feel like that. He has a deep voice, so that always scared me when he's angry.
After my father remarried my mother took a turn for the worse. I was still getting bullied in school and I got into my first fight. I was in the 6th grade. My mother finally realized that this "hood life" isn't for me, and she asked my father if he would let me move in with him and Dawn. I really wanted to at the time, because they lived in the suburbs. It was so much nicer, safe, quiet, etc. She also knew that they had better schools, so she went ahead and let me move out there. One of my older brothers moved in with me. I was kind of excited honestly. Moving in with your Dad seems like the best. I thought it would be awesome.
It was...okay. My brother moved out a couple months after school started. He didn't like living in the suburbs. Too many white people he says lol. Most of his friends lived in the city and whatnot. My father and I still didn't develop a relationship. It was more of, I tell you what to do, and you should just do it.
I don't want to bore you'll too much so I'll speed up the story. Oh remember when I said my mother took a turn for the worse. I forgot to explain that. It's important. She became a heavy alcoholic. She quit her job, moved in with my grandmother. That didn't work out. They argue all the time. She meet this man name Dee, who is my step-father today. Now she lives with him, they are both alcoholics. She recently caught him smoking hole. Not a good situation at all. He supports her with the little money that he has. But he is very verbally abusive toward her. I've never heard someone be so mean to a person. He can be very harsh. I'm surprised that he's never hit her. I hate seeing my mother go through this. I wish I could just take her out of it. But I'm a struggling college student myself. Her and I rarely talk now. After I moved with my Dad, it seem like she didn't mind me being away, same with my sister. It seemed like she wanted to be a distant friend rather than a mother. She's lost a LOT of weight because she drinks all day and doesn't eat properly. I feel like my mother died. She's still alive but she's now going to medical problems because of her drinking. I feel so helpless with her. I feel like I should be there helping her. But I don't know how. I can't call her often because she doesn't have a phone. She can't afford it. We still have a close relationship. But only time I see her is when I have to drive to the city. I've been discourage to see her because a lot of times she'll be drunk. And I HATE that. When I lived with her she would often get drunk and start s***. Sometimes, I used to wish my Dad would just appear and take us. But I knew there was no point in calling him because, that wold either start a big mess or he wasn't able to pick us up because he's working or whatever.
Anyway, I'm so sorry for this long post but I think it's necessary. During high school, I didn't have many friends. I always felt so much more mature than most kids. And at times I felt out of place. I loved my classes. I didn't really study much because I wanted to just play video games and go on the internet. Sometimes the internet is one of my best friends honestly. It has helped me a lot in many situations. Living with my father and step-mother, I often felted ignored. I stay in my room all the time. I just feels weird hanging out with them. My Dad wants me to be around them more but it really just feels awkward. I hate that I feel that way. But I can't help it. I started doing gymnastics in high school. I loved it. It being super important to me. I even created a YouTube channel dedicated to gymnastics. I was good at it too. I became more physically fit. And I was kind of hot lol. My parents never came to my meets. I invited them to come and watch me but it never happened. My step-mom came to one of my meet. I was excited when she came, I was also nervous lol. I was happy that she came. My father on the other hand didn't come. My step-mom said he felt sick. I understood at the time. But when I came home after the meet. I'd seen him on the couch, watching TV and laughing. Nothing was ******* wrong with him. I was extremely hurt. I wanted to cry but I didn't. Crying never came natural to me. I felt as though he didn't care about me. Later that year he did come to one of my meets, and after that I never wanted him to come to another one again. After the meet was over we had a medal ceremony. I won a medal on parallel bars! YAY me! He was rushing me to get out of there so he could go home. I couldn't just leave during the metal ceremony, it's disrespectful because my teammates still had to get their medals.
During my high school years is when I started messing around with men. Like most noobies. I downloaded apps like Grindr and Jack'd. Most of them want sex of course. I had to learn the hard way that these men only want sex from me. I kept being sexually active up until about 5 months ago. I completely stopping talking to those men on those sites. I feel as if I deserve more than just a hookup. I'm 21 now and I want a real relationship. Haven't had any luck with that lol. But right now, I just want to focus on school and get good grades. But lately I think I've sunk into a bad depression. I feel unmotivated to do a lot of things. Hang out with friends, work out, etc. I feel like my memory is off too. Like it's harder to remember things all of a sudden. I looked up "depressive realism", I think I suffer from this. I've been really realistic with myself, my family, and friends. I've been realizing that I have no one to really talk to about my problem. No one is willing to listen to me. I always listen to all of my friends and family. But no one has taken the time to say, "Hey, how are you doing?" I'm always the one to say that. I had one best friend. He's gay also. His name is Josh. When I try to talk to him, he seems uninterested in what I'm saying. Then he'll quickly move on to what's going on in his life. Like, I don't have any feeling at all. I don't think he purposely does it. I think he's just like that. I've been looking back at my life, and I've realized that it's not as good as I thought. It's kind of bad. But I do feel really bad complaining. Because there are so many people who are in a worse situation than me.
About a month ago, I thought about just ending it again. It wasn't a serious thought. I was thinking about what would it be like if I did end it. I thought no one would really care. Only my sister really. Her and I are really alike and we're close. But she's going through a lot of s*** herself. I feel really bad for her. I wish I could help her. But there's not much I can do. =( I thought about seeing a someone. But I don't have health insurance. My parents don't cover me on their insurance. Yeah, great parents right. It's not my step-mom's responsibility to cover me. But it is my father's. When I asked him about covering me. He just doesn't seem to really care about it. He asked me what's wrong but I just said I needed it for my trip to Costa Rica this summer that I want to attend for school. I don't I feel as if he doesn't love me. I think he just doesn't want to be known as a deadbeat father (His father was a deadbeat). How can you really love someone if you almost never talk to them? I don't know if I love him or not.
Does anyone have any advice for me to move on and live a better life? It's really effecting me, especially for school. I can't concentrate and can't really memorize much anymore. And my mind is running all the time. But it's always been like that for me. I've never been able to tell my brain to shut up lol.
But I won't rant any longer. This post is already too long. I appreciate whoever reads this. It does mean a lot to me. =)
Also one more question I just thought of. How do you build up the confidence to accept who you are and come out? I feel like if I come out, I'll feel better. But honestly, being judge hurts me a LOT. I know it's pathetic. But I can't help it. I want to be happy and have a good life. But now it seems impossible.
