I really screwed up and I'll regret this forever. Now what?

[altlover85]

Do you have something against love?

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Wel478 gave great advice.

You have made a human mistake. Fortunately, you are taking responsibility for it, and accept all the consequences that will happen. That's the mature response of a growing adult. When you're 31, you most likely will not be making these kinds of mistakes. As a 19 year-old fresh out of high school, this isn't uncommon.

Ultimately, this is a learning experience, and you'll find that life is full of relationships and experiences that are both fun, exciting, and full of heartache.

 

[lilman]

lilman, I'm doing just that. Thank you. =*[

no problem i hope things work out okay for you!

 

[joel76]

Our relationship had its issues and we've worked them out (or so I thought). I was sure everything was resolved but it seems as if the problems may not have been resolved completely.

I can't say that I'm too comfortable with discussing our personal relationship issues on a public forum but I'd really like to talk to him about possible conflicts in our relationship and ways to possibly resolve them further.

It's hard for me to say that this happened because of unresolved relationship issues because a part of me feels like that would be blaming him for what I did; I don't want to do that. I just want to get this all figured out between us. Aside from just a couple setbacks, the relationship has been great. I think that if we can really fix these problems, things will be okay. I just hope it's not to late.

He texted me a few times late last night and after releasing some frustration, he said we'll work on it. I'm terrified about how things may play out. I just hope we can fix what went wrong. Cheating is definitely uncharacteristic of me but I did it. I've been in this committed relationship for a year and a half and I hope we'll be able to fix it. Thanks again for all the replies and private messages; I really do appreciate each and every one.

 

[altlover85]

Wel makes some great points. Also, if there is going to be a break and there isn't going to be any sex, making a commitment to monogamy is probably not realistic.

 

[rareboy]

OMG

You were away for one fucking day and your 'hormones' got the better of you?'. sorry sunshine.

Your problem goes much deeper than raging hormones.

The first day there???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck was going through your head? You know. The big one you think with?

I think you need to tell your bf that you are not emotionally mature enough to be in any kind of relationship. Period. Let him leave this with his dignity intact. And then you can hook-up with anyone who comes along without thinking that you have this kind of safety net relationship to help you avoid commitment.

The only thing worse than an unfaithful slut is one with runny mascara the morning after when the guilt sets in.

But mark my words. If you couldn't even go one day without fucking around, you're never going to make it through the term. So why bother pretending?

 

[slnattak]

He's 19. Many people don't know how to grow up well into their 30s (and beyond and sometimes ,never) and we expect people as young as you....nah. Impossible. My mom has socks older than you haha.

You need to forget about 'love' junior ,and find out what makes YOU happy first, darlin. It's what you'll read in all gay self-help books and it's just so true. If somebody isn't going to like your life and what makes you happy, how are they yours anyway? You gotta make yourself happy first. If helping others is what makes you happy, then be a counselor of sorts.

And other gay boys will put you through silly hoops and games and fiery hoops to jump through, because they don't know what they want either. If they can't handle you at your worst how do they deserve you at your best? We have to just be ourselves and remind us what makes us happy, and try to find somebody from there.

At 19 I knew I wasn't ready to handle 'love' , so I just stayed to myself. Still do mostly. I was mature enough to realize how immature I was. A relationship is a huge deal with me, it's something I don't play around with, just to 'have' and something that looks good for external society. It sounds like you want to be in love just because it's nice....without actually being in love. Common syndrome. In love with love. But you don't even know what you actually love yet. How could you? You're so young!

 

[joel76]

The only thing worse than an unfaithful slut is one with runny mascara the morning after when the guilt sets in.

As I've said before, there have been issues in our relationship which I thought we were worked out but they might actually not be. And I don't want to just hook-up with any and every guy that comes my way; I pretty much deserve all the harshness and bitter words but if there's one thing I'm not, it's a slut.

I don't think there's ever going to be a way to "justify" what I did. But what happened two nights ago was a first for me and it's definitely going to be a last.

And no, I'm not as mature as I will be when I'm 30. That said, I don't get to see my boyfriend very often but we didn't just "play house" for a year and a half.

I'm not defending what I've done and I really didn't want to have to write a post defending my character but I won't let anyone call me a slut and get away with it. Don't wait for good guys to screw up just so you could go on an all out self-righteous brawl about how evil and disgusting people are, just because they've screwed up; I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you. That's all I have to say about this.

I'm not like other guys my age. I know what I want and I know when I've messed up. I messed up really bad; it's the worst thing I've ever done. I'm trying to fix it.

----

Well478, I don't get to see my boyfriend very often, even when I'm at home. And we've had are issues which we've worked/working on. Like I said, I don't feel comfortable sharing my relationship issues on a public forum. Still, I feel as if this is no excuse for what I did.

I've had to overcome a lot of personal issues for someone my age and my boyfriend was there throughout all of it. What I did is not fair to him and again, I'm genuinely sorry. I'm considering all the advice you guys have given but at the same time, I'll try my best to fix the relationship. A lot has been invested into the relationship by both me and my partner. If there's any chance of us being able to fix it, I'm gonna take it. It's worth a shot.

 

[Georgiadude]

OMG

You were away for one fucking day and your 'hormones' got the better of you?'. sorry sunshine.

Your problem goes much deeper than raging hormones.

The first day there???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck was going through your head? You know. The big one you think with?

I think you need to tell your bf that you are not emotionally mature enough to be in any kind of relationship. Period. Let him leave this with his dignity intact. And then you can hook-up with anyone who comes along without thinking that you have this kind of safety net relationship to help you avoid commitment.

The only thing worse than an unfaithful slut is one with runny mascara the morning after when the guilt sets in.

But mark my words. If you couldn't even go one day without fucking around, you're never going to make it through the term. So why bother pretending?

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You stepped out the very first day!?!?!?!? Then try and say "hormones". Lame. How the hell are you going to make it the rest of the year much less 3 or 4 more. I understand your 19 but that's not an excuse. Your old enough to have big boy relationships, your old enough to take responsibility for your actions. Not come up with some lame ass excuse. My bf. is 19. If he did something like this I'd leave him so fast his head would spin. Obviously your relationship didn't mean much to you. If it had you wouldn't have done what you did the first night away. Obviously there was something missing. Only you know what you were looking for. Only you know why you did what you did. Only you know what is lacking in your relationship. Those are the things you need to figure out. All the begging for forgiveness and working on the relationship isn't going to fix the root cause of why you cheated. How is he ever going to trust you again? I wouldn't. You have a lot more than your relationship to work on. I don't think your mature enough to have a long term monogamous relationship.

Steven.

 

[Fucker29]

How easy it is to point fingers and judge. People screw up, nobody's perfect. Everyone's made terrible mistakes during their lifetime. The only thing one can do to make amends is to learn from the mistake.
He's admitted his mistake and he's taking responsability for his actions. Considering what I've seen out there, for 19yo, he's being much more mature and grown up than a LOT of guys in their fucking 30s and 40s so spare me the inane age blathering y'all have been preaching.

 

[joel76]

So good luck fixing the relationship. But trust your instincts. Trust your gut. Don't feel ashamed just because you're horny. It doesn't make you a bad person. But don't lie to the person you're with. You can't have it both ways.

I just don't understand what I lied about. I've been completely honest with him from the start. I didn't wait at all to come clean because like I said, I try my best to be an honest person. And yes, I am horny a lot but in the 18 months of my life that I've been with him, not once have I done anything like this.

The thing is he doesnt seem to be learning from his mistake...

With all due respect, what haven't I learned? Maybe I'm missing it because I don't understand. It seems as if many of you just want the relationship to end.

What else am I doing wrong?

 

[Georgiadude]

admitting ones mistakes and taking responsibility are great and show maturity. I'm glad he's able to see what he did is wrong. What's missing is the WHY? Why did he step out THE FIRST NIGHT HE WAS AWAY????? It wasn't hormones either. I don't know but I'd be willing to bet he and his bf. took care of the hormones shortly before he left. He needs to take a long hard look into the why. So far he hasn't given a clear explanation. If he want's to keep it private, fine. However we can only comment on the information we are given. So far he has said they have had "issues" and it was "hormones." Neither of which go to the root cause of what happened. As I said. Only he knows why he did what he did the first night away. I could buy into the hormones if there had been some time since he had last seen his bf. but there hadn't.

My advice to the op remains the same. Take a long hard look at yourself. What was lacking in the relationship that you needed to cheat the first night away? Be honest with yourself. Don't make excuses or talk yourself into believing something you know isn't true.

Steven.

 

[TX-Beau]

You're refusing to consider that perhaps this wasn't random, that you aren't as committed to this guy as you want to be, and that maybe it's better to let him go while you figure it out.

Plus, if you actually knew that you were never going to do this again, telling your boyfriend was a pretty selfish thing to do. What did it achieve, but to fuck up his life so you could relieve your own guilt.

If you really wanted to be "honest," well, try telling him why you cheated, or even telling yourself.

Then you come in here looking for what? You say over and over how horrible you were, and how badly you erred, what are you expecting us to do? Absolve you again?

You wouldn't have cheated if you have been thinking about your boyfriend and relationship in the first place.

You wouldn't have cheated if you had made a strong commitment you intended to live by.

Is it any wonder people in here are a little leery of your claims of undying love? You say one thing and do another, and those of us old enough to have been through this a few times, recognize that pattern.

You don't need to be in this relationship. This guy helped you through some shit you won't talk about, and now you feel obligated and grateful, fine and dandy, and maybe you do love him on some level. But that isn't going to make this relationship work.

That's not what relationships are about. You aren't there yet, not with this guy, probably not in general. There's nothing wrong with that, there's nothing wrong with wanting out, the only thing that's wrong is fucking with someone else's head (and that could be either the cheating, or the telling him, or both), because you can't admit you want out.

What you're doing wrong is trying to prolong the drama. Let him go, walk away, be his friend, then go do what the fuck ever, without fucking with someone else's head.

I met my boyfriend when I was 19, I didn't commit to him for fifteen years, why? Because neither of us were ready.

 

[Fucker29]

The thing is he doesnt seem to be learning from his mistake...

He's just made the mistake. It doesn't necessarily happen overnight.

 

[TX-Beau]

Not to derail, but I'm curious about your relationship prior to committing. Did you guys start out as friends? Did you you have a casual relationship? Were you guys on and off again? Open to seeing other people? Just wondering because it could help illustrate your point to the OP a little better.

All of the above. We started off casual sex, then tried to be monogamous, yo-yo'd around each other, dated other guys, snapped back, bounced apart - repeat - it was only when we'd both grown up enough, and played around enough, and hit the same place at the same time, that things started to work.

Why? At the beginning, I still had issues about being gay, then we both weren't really ready for commitment, or understood how to make that work. Then he was ready, but I wasn't done with my party boy life, then he was dating someone esle, etc.

Life and circumstance. But I don't think that either of us ever gave up on the other. I know he was always there in the back of my mind. Turns out that I've never met anyone else who's as compatible with me as he is.

I didn't expect things to happen like that, they just did, the bond he and I have never snapped, in fact it got stronger the older we got. I know it's real, and I know I love him, because we've been through all of that, and it's still there. I suspect we needed to go through all that history to get us to where we are.

Love, I think, the real kind, the lasting kind, you only get when you really know somebody, the good and bad, and the pros still outweigh the cons. I love him, and I absolutely trust him, because I know him, I know what he's going to do, and how he's going to react, I've seen him with other guys, with me, by himself, being a total slut, a workaholic, occasionally an asshole, and I still know I want him.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's hard for me to say that this happened because of unresolved relationship issues because a part of me feels like that would be blaming him for what I did; I don't want to do that. I just want to get this all figured out between us. Aside from just a couple setbacks, the relationship has been great. I think that if we can really fix these problems, things will be okay. I just hope it's not to late.

Our relationship had its issues and we've worked them out (or so I thought). I was sure everything was resolved but it seems as if the problems may not have been resolved completely.

I just hope we can fix what went wrong. Cheating is definitely uncharacteristic of me but I did it. I've been in this committed relationship for a year and a half and I hope we'll be able to fix it.

One of the reasons that you've gotten the visceral response that you've gotten here is that your thread started with a very idyllic description of a wonderful guy and a wonderful relationship and how you did him wrong.

With the subsequent posts, it's become clearer that it is a relationship that has its faults like any other.

But the main reason you're getting some of the responses you're getting is that there's a feeling that you sabotaged a perfectly good relationship. And there doesn't seem to be a logical explanation. And there's a feeling that unless you unravel why you did this, you'll do it again.

And for some people posting in this thread, the issue of cheating hits very close to home- whether they were the cheater or the cheated upon...

 

[Seasoned]

Wow. It seems like you are taking a beating from most of the responses to your post. The guys have been very self righteous. You did nothing abnormal.

It sounds like you were 17 when you met your bf and that he and the relationship helped you make decisions which led you out of the house and into college. This kind of relationship is tough because of the mentoring quality to it. Even if nothing's been said, you have gratitude issues and he has expectations of your dependency.

Think about your hook up. Wasn't there something about two equals that made it nice?

Even if he doesn't want it your bf has some power over you by the nature of the role he's played in your life. The no sex for 6 months is clearly meant to be a punishment and I'd be curious to know what he's going to be doing those 6 months.

You are young and it sounds like you haven't had control over much of your life, but, now that you are living independently, you make all kinds of decisions. You know why you chose hooking up. I, for one, am glad you did. College is the place for all kinds of learning. Use this time to learn about yourself and others. If college is done right your value and belief system will be challenged and modified. Good luck to you. You're no devil.

 

[rareboy]

You did nothing abnormal.

Of course he did. He hooked up with someone the first day away from the bf.

Although, in fairness, it really does sound as though there may not be as deep a commitment between the two as the first post implied.

I think it is still best, though, for the games to stop; for the OP and the BF to just call it quits while they're both ahead.