I screwed up

[CoolcuteFranzarg]

For those who read my last post, I'm still in love with my ex. He left me after I abused him and cheated on him. I wrote that post in hoping that he would read it, but I dont think he goes on this site.
Anyway, I live in a small community, and my (former) best friend spread the story (albeit the true story) about how I treated my ex. Now no one in clubs want to talk to me, let alone dance with me, because there is also this rumor that I got barebacked by a positive guy (sadly, another true story of my life as a slut). My life has become really pathetic because the only guys I can get to talk to me are on online. It's sad that dlist and other sites are the only places I can get guys to talk to me, but even online I find myself lying to them about who I am. I'm an arrogant, abusive, drunk, druggie, slutty, piece of shit, but I pretend that I am a nice easygoing cool person. My only redeeming quality is my looks, and I used to think that was all I needed to get by in life.
The saddest thing is that, my ex (who really was the most wonderful human being I had ever met, who I now realise I didnt deserve and treated badly) was the only person who loved me for all of my flaws. He even told me that he doesnt love me in spite of them, but he loves me as a whole. I was just remembering that the other day when I was watching a show and they said that your true love is the person who loves all of you, not just aspects of you. I remember being so safe with him, feeling protected and loved. He loved me more than my mother (who is very distant to me because of the gay thing).
Anyway, my problem is that I finally saw my ex the other night. He was happy and surrounded by hunky men, all of whom looked like they adored him as they laughed at his witty jokes and eyed his amazing body. Well, I asked to talk to my ex privately, and he agreed (as manly as he is, he was always compassionate and understanding). He told me that he was really hurt by what I did. All he had ever asked me for was to be faithful to him (as he was to me). He said very calmly that he couldnt ever consider a relationship with me again because of all the lies I told and the fact that I cheated on him, and that he couldnt forgive my treatment of him.
I told him that I still loved him, and asked if he still loved me. He turned to me, sadness in his eyes, and said, "I'm sorry, you broke my heart." He patted my hand and left me there, I think it hurt him to much to even look at me.
God, I feel like shit. It had been months since we split, and it still hurts him to look at me. Of all the guys out there, I know I'm not even half as deserving as the other guys are.
You guys, he treated me so well. He was also fucking rich. If you were to get to know him, he is exactly what prince charming is. And I had him... and I lost him.
What I want is a chance to get him back. I dont really have any other options or prospects except online dating (which is just my made-up self online). I feel like I'll never find anyone like him again or even if I do, it will take a loooong time.
I was too stupid at the time to realize just how good I had it.
I want to know if anyone else lost "the one" and somehow gained him back.

 

[KennyD]

Take it from someone whose been there ... Let it be ! If you keep trying to get back with him, you will end up being charged with STALKING and go to prison ....
Ya' live in a small town ... the best thing you can do is TRY to find a way to Move somewhere else and make a clean and new start ....
Good Luck !

 

[CoolcuteFranzarg]

I kinda have been stalking him. I even used to access his email address and read his mail and send fake emails by him. As for moving away, not an option. I dont work, I dont plan on working. The only money I get was from him and my father, and now only my dad pays for things. So now I moved back in with my parents and I go to community college (which they pay for) and just kinda hang out all day.

 

[CoolcuteFranzarg]

Listen,I know I fucked up. I DONT deserve any sympathy, trust me, after all the shit I did.... (did i mention, I killed my ex's dog? [yeah, on purpose])
ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS: if someone else fucked up this much, if they were ever able to get back with the one great guy they lost?

 

[looseliam]

Well first of all, it's time to let it go and learn from your mistakes.

Secondly, the harming of dogs and such is indicative of far greater problems. It is my suggestion that you seek a counselor with whom to discuss these issues.

 

[CoolcuteFranzarg]

I have many more problems, and the thing was, he was the only guy who loved me enough to help me through them. I was making so much progress with him, but I slipped and cheated on him and he said the cheating and everything else I did was too much for him to forgive and he just left me. He didnt yell, he didnt didnt hit me (after all the times i hit him), he just quietly left, and that hurt the worst.
However, my point was, and still is, if anyone ELSE fucked up their relationship with the "impossible guy" and somehow managed to win him back?

 

[looseliam]

He's made it clear there is no chance for reconciliation.

The sooner you accept the fact that you two will not be together again, the sooner the healing will start.

 

[theFallenGod]

You realized you made a mistake... and he realized he had made a mistake.

Like it or not... he's not coming back....

You lived off of him and have made no effort to make it on your own. You abused him physically and emotionally. You lied to him and cheated on him. And you killed his dog.

Anyone one of these things would be an instant deal breaker but all of them?

You should be grateful you had him for as long as you did.

He's moved on. He was man enough to tell you to your face and now you should move on because you could wait 1000 years and he won't ever come back. Not after what you put him through.

And no one I know has ever fucked their relationship that bad and gotten back with the person. That only happens on Jerry Springer.

 

[texan_slant]

Take this advice - fix yourself before sharing your life with someone. You'll be a better person for it. You say that you recognize all of your flaws, however, you'd be a man of integrity if you chose to do something about it - the choice is your's.

 

[StlKj]

You didn't lose anyone. You pissed him away. You boldly state on here that you won't go to a psychiatrist because you don't ever plan on changing. Abusing your boyfriend is hitting him; throwing him down the stairs amounts to attempted murder. Forget hoping you're lucky enough for a second chance--you're lucky your boyfriend was a loving doormat who didn't die. You're lucky you're not sitting in jail or prison. You're on a path that's going to lead to you killing someone because you're too selfish--even now, you're only on here to figure out how to get him back. You don't love him; you need him.

Get some anger management counseling, stay away from alcohol, stop putting yourself and others at risk and get a plant. You're far too dangerous right now to be trusted with anything else that lives, much less a human being.

And as far as sympathy is concerned? It's good that you don't want any, because you don't deserve any until you step up and seriously change your ways. You didn't get this way over night, and you won't change over night, even if you try.

And if you love him even a little bit, stay away from him. He deserves to be happy, and that means being as far away from you as possible. If you can let him go, you'll have taken the first step toward being a better human being.

 

[orem244]

1. Get tested for HIV
2. Stay away from clubs for a while
3. Seek counseling, regardless of whether or not you think you need it.

 

[xterranx]

I'm just going to say the truth:

You don't have a chance with him, and you fucked it up for yourself. Chances are, if you went back with him, you will abuse him again. It's a good thing he hasn't end up like most people who've been abused.

If you don't seek counseling/therapy, then don't seek out people. Actually, to be honest, I'd rather you never seek out people. I wouldn't want someone to suffer just like your ex.

 

[robdrake]

I am sorry. The only way to win him back is totally change yourself to a whole new person.

 

[CoolcuteFranzarg]

You realized you made a mistake... and he realized he had made a mistake.

Yeah, I made mistakes. My best friend used to say that the only mistake my ex made was loving me. The thing is, I'm not going to change. I'm too stubborn and arrogant. And no, I actually dont deserve love, but i still want it. My ex was my psychologist in a way (he was a studying to be a psychiatrist and was helping me and counseling me). But yeah, I pissed it all away. The problem is that it takes me a long time after something happens to actually start to appreciate what i had. sucks. So, I guess its back to Dlist.com to find people to talk to who dont know about me, so i can lie to them just to have people to talk to. Sucks that my life's come to this, but it will blow over eventually. On a bright note: I have been chatting to some guys in New York, New Jersery and Florida and my dad might send me there this winter, so maybe I will meet some guys there to hook up with.

 

[G-Lexington]

You fucked this guy over, and now he's with some nicer guys who most likely won't. There's really no reason for him to come back to you. It's over. Let go of that last bit of hope of "getting it back together".

So you've found yourself alone and ostracized. Instead of starting to build new relationships based on lies, why not use the time constructively? Instead of lying about what you are, why not start rebuilding yourself?

Take an honest (and possibly brutal) look at yourself. What are your negative traits? Why do you lie? Why did you cheat? What lessons (besides "don't cheat") can you take away from this experience?

Give it a lot of thought - what makes a good acquaintance? A good friend? A good lover? Where are your weak spots? Do you have problems listening? Do you forget to consider their feelings? Build a mental image of yourself being a good acquaintance, a good friend, a good boyfriend. And then, aim for them. Try to BE that good acquaintance to your neighbors and co-workers. As you rebuild friendships, try to BE that good friend.

As you go online and start meeting people, be honest. You don't have to introduce yourself like "Hi! I cheated on my last boyfriend and ruined my life!" But be true to it. "Hi. My last relationship ended pretty badly, and it was totally my fault. I still feel bad about it, but I'm trying to move on."

And do just that.

Lex

 

[xterranx]

Yeah, I made mistakes. My best friend used to say that the only mistake my ex made was loving me. The thing is, I'm not going to change. I'm too stubborn and arrogant. And no, I actually dont deserve love, but i still want it. My ex was my psychologist in a way (he was a studying to be a psychiatrist and was helping me and counseling me). But yeah, I pissed it all away. The problem is that it takes me a long time after something happens to actually start to appreciate what i had. sucks. So, I guess its back to Dlist.com to find people to talk to who dont know about me, so i can lie to them just to have people to talk to. Sucks that my life's come to this, but it will blow over eventually. On a bright note: I have been chatting to some guys in New York, New Jersery and Florida and my dad might send me there this winter, so maybe I will meet some guys there to hook up with.

Why are you posting all this if you're not planning to change? (rhetorical question) I can already tell you're just going to go back to abusing your next boyfriend, simply because "you're not going to change".

You're rather sociopathic. You're not even posting all this for help; you just want the attention, the responses, the glorification of your actions. Hah, why didn't I see this in the beginning. -fail as a Psych major-

BTW, psychiatrists don't make real psychological evaluations, thanks.

 

[thewiz]

Your lead is "I screwed up" is an understatement.

First, an earlier post identified you by several names, since this is no flame, I will not go further except to say that you are an opportunist who is not interested in changing, who because of your own actions will have no opportunity to undue the hurts (both physical and psychological) that you have inflicted.

You stated quite succinctly that you will not change. Well, if you will not change, then I feel sorry for anyone who would get close to you. It seems like you are not all that interested in rekindling a relationship with your ex; you said it in a later post that you have offers from guys in the states and the support of your father to "move on." I didn't hear a lot of remorse in those comments and I would hope your ex remains strong in never taking you back.

So long as you will not address the devils that are inside of you, you are only bound to repeat the same mistakes of the past. No one can intervene until you, yourself, want to change and you have indicated no desire to do that.

 

[CoolcuteFranzarg]

Well, I, Francisco, am not going to change. And you're right, i dont have any remorse for what I did. But still I want my ex back. For as horribly as I treated him, he was the only person to ever show me any respect, not that I did anything to deserve it. Or all i need is another doormat, preferably another rich handsome one. But my dad doesnt know I'm going to hook up with guys, he basically hates the whole gay thing too, he is just sending me to the US for a work visa so I will work a few months there this winter, hopefully sleeping my way through the states. As for the devils inside of me, I know I have alot of issues, but without my Ex, i refuse to work through them. I kinda have to build relationships on lies, there is nothing really interesting about me otherwise. Like, I say I can play the guitar but I really strum only three cords and sing a few songs. The only way I can get people to get close to me is to pretend to be something I'm not, and I'm damn convicing (at least, at first). Hell, every guy I meet I swear that I'm a virgin. At least the guys online (who are my only real friends since I pissed everyone else off) dont know me well enough to know the truth. But this is who I am, my ex loved me as a whole, my flaws included. But as far as getting over him, i dont think its likely. Hell, I still havent gotten over a straight boy I was in love with when I was 15, and I love my ex much more than that. I just dont want to give up on something that I could have had. I'll just give my ex some time to get to know me as a friend again, then I'll make my moves again. All in good time and he'll be wanting me back. It will work out for everyone, or else I'll just keep chatting with guys on dlist until I find another guy to take care of me.

 

[boy0boy]

Hmm well I can only hope that this happens to all of your kind.


Because I am the guy that got away from a guy just like you. How foolish I was to think I was "in love." His only redeeming quality was not returning the feelings in anyway, or maybe me just being smart enough to let it go, because if he would have shown any sign, I would have fell harder.

So... as sad as I am for you, because all people make mistakes and need to be forgiven. You make your own way in this life, and man have you made some bad choices.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, cool, all I can say is your definiton of "love" is even more fucked up than most I've seen. If you're aware that you screwed this guy over, you're convinced that he'll come back to you, and you've got no plans to change your MO once you've got him back...sir, you don't love this guy. You may desire him, you may want him, but you don't love him. "Love" involves caring about the other person, and having his best interests at heart. You hope to get him back, and fully plan to fuck him over again. That hardly sounds like caring to me.

I have three hopes:

* your ex is wise enough to steer clear.
* you learn to look beyond your boundaries, and start trying to be a better person rather than accepting yourself (with a perverse pride) with being an unfeeling user.
* if the preceding doesn't happen, that the people who do fall under your magical spell are just as using as you are.

Lex