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I see some other men who are having trouble coming out and finding a Lover

G

GayCuriousSub

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Of Course, A lot of men want to be free spirits. I have no problem with that, and totally empathize. We only live Once, and we're only
young once. so, go for it lads

Me? I'd kind of like to settle down with another man, and be lovers for life.

Question for Men with more experience...........................are online personals a complete waste of time? Or does it depend which site a person tries?

Thanks! I truly need advice, help, encouragement and probably a pacifier while I'm in my crib, WISHING the hell I had a hot gay sex life
 
No, they're not a waste of time. Yes, it depends on the site.
What I notice is that so many men talk about what they like to do, without ever mentioning who they are inside. Such as, "I'm usually an upbeat kind of guy, warm, big-hearted, affectionate..." They talk about their outside. The interesting thing is, guys who are emotionally available comb the ads looking for a profile that "speaks" to them. Talking ONLY about your hobbies doesn't always catch the right guys. If you want closeness and intimacy, then make your profile one that talks about that. I usually mention how much I loved my mother (and was loved back) and one or two things she taught me ("Give because you want to, not because you expect to get something in return." I've noticed the guys who respond to me mention that they liked reading that, that they also loved their mothers. So, my profile speaks to something they can relate to. Yours should, too.

If you just want companionship, feel free to say that, a little about who you are inside, and what you enjoy doing with your time. Just make sure your profile speaks to what you have inside of you, because once you meet the person, they'll see who you are, and if you left out certain things (your temperament is on the cold side, you have a temper (which I wouldn't imagine anyone seeing that on a first date. Well, for me, at least, that'd be a deal breaker), etc., there won't be a chance to entice them. I think the expression, "Make a good first impression" is true, but the impression should be one that's authentically YOU.

And whether you are a "catch" or not depends on who is looking at you. Some people see the things about you that make you someone they want to know. But if someone is superficial, they'll miss what makes you special, because they're only looking for the "surface" things (great body, good looks) that dazzle so many guys - until they get to know the person and realize that that person's "outside" is all they have to offer. For some, that'll be enough...for a while.
Just SHOW YOURSELF.
 
McBrion, Thanks for those kind words. It was very kind. As for showing myself, I need an income (I have no Job) I need upgrades
to my excellent but OLD Olympic Camera, and or a better cell phone. (mine has no camera)
 
GayCuriousSub said:
As for showing myself, I need an income (I have no Job) I need upgrades
to my excellent but OLD Olympic Camera, and or a better cell phone. (mine has no camera)
Click to expand...
I think mcbrion meant to reveal the inner you, rather than the external (and somewhat superficial) appearance by "show yourself". You don't need a camera or income for that, simply words about who you are, really: kind of like an extension of what you are revealing on JUB about yourself.

However, I know how difficult it is to be authentic, because most are looking for a very specific type and tend to reject the self-confessed rough diamonds for the perfect stones, so we try to downplay those attributes that we think will put someone off. For someone like me, there would be nothing to say if I downplayed my "negative" attributes.
 
darian said:
I think mcbrion meant to reveal the inner you, rather than the external (and somewhat superficial) appearance by "show yourself". You don't need a camera or income for that, simply words about who you are, really: kind of like an extension of what you are revealing on JUB about yourself.

However, I know how difficult it is to be authentic, because most are looking for a very specific type and tend to reject the self-confessed rough diamonds for the perfect stones, so we try to downplay those attributes that we think will put someone off. For someone like me, there would be nothing to say if I downplayed my "negative" attributes.
Click to expand...

May I inquire how the ability to clearly explain in 2 or 3 sentences what another's two or three paragraphs stated is not a positive attribute? It's difficult to condense McBrion's eloquency and yet you managed - right before ya went and booted yourself in the butt.

Perhaps people would get farther if they quit selling themselves short...
 
luckynumbah7 said:
May I inquire how the ability to clearly explain in 2 or 3 sentences what another's two or three paragraphs stated is not a positive attribute?
Click to expand...

I'm usually criticised for being too verbose.

Perhaps people would get farther if they quit selling themselves short...
Click to expand...
That's something else I am usually criticised for, however my own attitude is that people pandering to others by only telling them what they want to hear, in order to be accepted, loved or whatever is ultimately unproductive: my earlier years were fruitlessly spent trying to be what others wanted, but being non-genuine and feeling like a fraud and dancing to someone else's tune but failing anyway.

It's difficult being an authentic, genuine person because it is not very attractive to reveal "negative" aspects in an age where fantasy expectations rule and anything less is deemed unworthy. If one wants to be accepted, one has to distort the truth and be non-genuine, because perceived negative aspects carry more weight than positive (for biological survival).

Accounting has assets and liabilities that are held in balance, yet we don't like to hear about liabilities (ie perceived "negative" aspects) in real life.

I guess I bridle at "selling myself" when the buyer has unrealistic expectations about all positive qualities and no negative ones allowed: I should sell myself, if being genuine, were it not for the focus only on perceived positive characteristics.

Yes, I have some talents, but I also have many negatively perceived attributes that often piss people off, because the negative tends to outweigh the positive (in their eyes).
 
I feel as if I need a Man to do the Vulcan Mind Meld...................if you'd rather give it a miss, I totally understand.

It seems as if I feel the pain of this entire world. In Fact, I KNOW I do. Who Doesn't? It's in all of our faces every day, including
the less of a literary genius, Terry Pratchett. don't know about anyone else, but that was a huge shock to me.
 
GSB: I just saw the thread again, and Darian got it right about "show yourself." I should have said, "Express YOUR SELF."
 
And, as for the problems in being "authentic, read this, and then decide if you'd rather feed the "false" you or the "real" you:

Wise Old Man.jpg
 
So I've meaning to comment on that too. I strongly disagree with the statement that we are living in a world ruled by fantastical expectations. I don't know why you think that. I have a whole backlog of stories of people being in relationships full of negative traits that if anything were put up with for longer than they should've been.

It's a problem if you aren't being yourself in a relationship and it's stressful. But I don't think swinging the opposite direction and laying out all your baggage in one go is much better either. I think there's a reasonable assumption that most people already have that their partner will have baggage. But you also don't want that to be the only thing they have to look at either. And it takes processing to decide if they're going to be capable of dealing with it. And I think there also needs to be some recognition that you're going to work on your problems too.

I guess my thing is, I can accept the negative traits someone might have--And I did, I went out with someone I knew was insecure and gave them a chance to open up a bit--but I can't enter a relationship to be someone's savior. They have to demonstrate to me that we can work together and build each other up. And if I'm being weighed at the get-go with numerous problems that are being given the spotlight it is going to take the attention away from that. It's not about pretending you don't have negative qualities. It's about building a space you're willing to enter together and maintaining that space.
 
darian said:
I think mcbrion meant to reveal the inner you, rather than the external (and somewhat superficial) appearance by "show yourself". You don't need a camera or income for that, simply words about who you are, really: kind of like an extension of what you are revealing on JUB about yourself.

However, I know how difficult it is to be authentic, because most are looking for a very specific type and tend to reject the self-confessed rough diamonds for the perfect stones, so we try to downplay those attributes that we think will put someone off. For someone like me, there would be nothing to say if I downplayed my "negative" attributes.
Click to expand...

there were so many kind and insightful comments, it's possible I was too drunk to comprehend most of them at the time......................I still am. would any of you wonderful guys recommend a good online gay dating site, I will be eternally grateful. for now, I'm gonna gamble on my own intuition! it's usually fucked up and I look in all the wrong places
 
Best of luck to you. I will be in a similar boat when my divorce is finalized and my closeted self can come out into the light of day.
 
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