I so regret coming out to him...

[hanzosword]

This is probably gonna be a long one. I think I talked about my overbearing cousin on here a while back but I have to vent about him again lol. I don't come off as gay to anyone and everybody assumes I'm into women but with my 3rd cousin, you can pretty much tell he's gay because he's kind of feminine. I never knew he and his brothers existed until the summer before my Freshmen year in high school and he was going to the 8th grade. They had just moved to town and I met them at a family reunion.

He was always an extremely opinionated and overbearing person and I couldn't stand him much at first, but he started to loosen up at some point and became cooler. I knew he was gay from the first time I saw him but even though I wasn't sure of my sexuality, I never mentioned my knowing abotu him or treated him any differently because of it. Whenever he talked about girls I didn't believe him but I never said a word lol. Fast forward to 2011: My sister and I went to his graduation from law school and stayed at his apartment for a few days. I had already found his gay porn by accident a few times in the past but this time it was in full view on his playstation 3 with the other movies that I was trying to watch. I had to click away so my sister wouldn't see because I wasn't sure if she knew about him.

After that trip I texted him and told him he should hide his porn better and then I told him about me. I must have been feeling desperate or something because I never told anybody else. We never spoke about sex and to me he wasn't a sexual person at all, but immediately after I told him he started talking non-stop about gay sex and even sending me pictures of guys he fooled around with. It made me super uncomfortable but I tried to go with the flow at first.

Since then he's hounded me a few times about not having sex with anybody in my small town. Just yesterday out of the blue he texts me and asks me some sexual question. I told him I'm not answering that and I don't wanna talk about that stuff with him. The thought of him doing that stuff disgusts me and he is pissing me off. He is really getting off on knowing I like guys now and he is practically begging me to stay a whole week with him at his place. I'm sure he's attracted to me and hopes something will happen between us. I'm not opposed to incest but I'm not into him that way at all and he has a boyfriend last I heard. He came out to his dad and brothers too and they accept him.

He's tried to find my online profiles and everything. I blocked him on one of them because that shit is personal to me. I didn't tell him I'm gay so he could pry into everything I like sexually. He is grossing me the hell out and I really regret telling him.

 

[Benvolio]

A third cousin is not usually very close. Is it feasible to avoid him? I think you have to be careful. If you annoy him too much, he may out you.

 

[Ganoderma]

Hi hanzosword,

You are totally right that you don't want to give him an answer to any random sexual question and I tend to think that you should try to avoid / ignore him as much as possible. No good idea to spend much time together with him when you have the idea that he wants to have sex with you.

Well, you are 29, so what's the deal when it will become obvious that you are not interested in girls? Any idea how many girls in your surroundings will have thought about why you are not married and about the reason why you don't seem to be interested in girls? So I have some doubts if anyone around you is still convinced that you are 'straight, single and still looking around for a nice girlfriend'. Any idea what would happen if your 3th cousin would tell other people that you are gay? How open is he (besides having told his dad and his brothers that he is gay)?

I tend to think that he has opened the door of your closet. So did you tell him you like guys and girls as well?

Take care & good luck in this tough situation. Feel free to react.

 

[Durango95]

Dude, families are always the worst to deal with when coming out. It was a disaster for me. I know what it feels like to be outed without your knowing. It isn't fun. I eventually had to leave my hometown because of it.

You told him for some kind of reason. I don't exactly know what that would be. You may should spend some time thinking about why you did this potentially injurious thing to yourself. Did you do it as an impetus for you to move on the whole "coming out" thing?

If you aren't "readable" as it were it is much easier to go years without detection. I mean some guys, especially those with gayface, just cannot escape the inevitable outing. It doesn't make any difference if you don't date girls or any of that. The "normalcy bias" people usually experience concerning gay guys pretty much insures you have very little to worry about.

Only you can figure out to proceed. I mean the you can't unring this bell. It is what it is. This is an object lesson for you. Think long and hard before confiding in someone else in the future, about anything really but especially this. You are still relatively young. You have to know people nowadays have a whole completely different concept of privacy. If I were you, I'd be mindful of that reality.

 

[racer2438]

Tread lightly and dont piss him off. As others said you can't unring the bell you rung...

Either spend some time and set the record str8 that ur new or unsure and it a personal issue for you now and you not comfortable discussing your life just yet. But if you do want to talk, ask him if you could talk with him later on when ur more ready and u don't do stuff with family that it's crossing the line for u. There by planting the seed in his head that ur NOT going to mess with him.

and hopefully he does not out u out at some point when ur not ready to come. And keep ur secrets to ur self until ur sure he won't tell anyone.

 

[jaysizzles]

it sounds to me like he wants to be friends. When I was younger, my guy friends and I used to talk about sex/our sex lives all the time...never felt like they or I were prying, more like just talk sharing and bragging to a certain extent. I'm getting the impression you are not out...(everyone assumes you are into women) is that the case? Probably the reason why you are so closed to discussing your sex life and why you get annoyed when he shares sexual stuff with you. It's good to have a confidant and someone that has common interests as you...you can even ask him to keep your secret if you are really not ready or comfortable to come out. Honestly, I think you should go visit him...ask him to hook you up with some of his friends. Seems you need to get laid...lol. If it seems he wants to get busy with you, you can politely put him off with the family thing as an excuse.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't allow yourself to be blackmailed. You came out to him because you needed to come out to someone. Once you come out you are no longer in total control and that can be a good thing. It seems you have a decision to make. Do you want to take the chance he'll out you to those who are important in your life or would you rather they hear it from you directly?