I still can't find the balls to do anything

[Southern Boy]

I've posted here a couple of times explaining my situation as being a total coward towards my feelings regarding guys. I've always thought that with age I'd eventually just sort of find things out for myself but it only gets worse.
Just a synopsis: I'm 22 now, extremely straight acting and if I can say this without sounding like a complete arrogant asshole really attractive. I have sex with girls and have girlfriends often but on more than one occassion i've fantasized about guys when I've been with a girl. I consider myself equally attracted to girls and guys but I would really like to hook up with a guy. There's just one problem, I have been completely terrified of having anyone find out that I've even gone to the point of rejecting advances from friends, etc.

When I would have friends sleep over when I was younger and they would cuddle up next to me (or even now if for some reason I'm sharing a bed with a guy) I'll move away or even sleep somewhere else. I've even had a friend one time make a complete drunken pass at me (he started rubbing my inner thigh and scooted closer to me when we were playing with his dog) and got up to leave. I'm a total coward when it comes to this.
I know that most people would just tell me to do it already and go with whatever happens, but I am completely terrified. Growing up in Alabama probably has everything to do with this.

I need help. I don't think that the internet is a safe way to meet people to have sex with and I can't go to any gay clubs here because I know a lot of people (from work, etc.) that frequent them. My only alternative would be to go to Atlanta or someplace but even then I don't have anyone to go with. Do I just need to wait until the next drunken pass at me, chug eight beers and say fuck it or should I drive up to some other city and go out to some bars?

*after reading this it sounds like I'm just trying to find a guy to have sex with, which is partly true, but I'd also like to find a friend like me. Someone that I could talk to about this sort of crap.

 

[Eagle653]

You're really curious about it, but you're so uncomfortable with the idea that you're going through extraordinary lengths not to do it (for fear of being outed or recognized).

This drive/need is not going to go away, so you might want to think about how you're going to satisfy it. If Atlanta is a safe and manageable commute, then begin there. It's got a huge gay community that you can get lost in.

There are two ways to approach it in Atlanta: One would be to slowly integrate yourself into the gay community through clubs, social organizations, etc. over a few months.

Second, if that doesn't interest you, or the timetable is more urgent, then you can go to a gay bathhouse in Atlanta. There's no internet mystery--it's all right there and you make an on-the-spot decision of who to get it on with.

Frankly, I'd recommend the first approach. The second approach is too brash (even for me LOL) and as uncomfortable and nervous as you are with this, you could be filled with all sorts of remorse and worry about diseases and all that. (In other words, your mind could run away with you).

So, slow down and jump into this more strategically and I think you'll have a better, more richer, experience. At least, I hope so.

Good luck! You aren't alone in this, that's for sure. Let us know what happens and how you're doing.

 

[ilikelmao]

I agree with Averageguy. If you're truly bi - that is fine, but I think if you are uncomfortable with the opportunities that present themselves in Alabama, then by all means take a trip to Atlanta, go out to one or two of the bars there and I'm sure you will find someone like you that will want to spend time with you. Be yourself, relax, and set your mind to having fun with someone like yourself. It is bound to happen if you are open to it and are open to meeting someone new. Life is short and you should discover what makes you who you are. Enjoy yourself in Atlanta whenever you choose to go. Be sure to play it safe as well.

 

[Blueboy369]

Dude,
Everyone bumps into people they know at gay clubs but guess what? They are gay too! It's no big deal. If you bump into someone you say hello and act as if your meeting a friend there. No need to come out just because your at a gay club. Truth be told, There are plenty of straight people that go to gay clubs. There are many straight couples that prefer gay clubs because they think no one will hit on them so they feel comfortable. Do some research. Find out the night that interests you the most (College night) and go! Go to the bar, have a beer. Relax. Soon you will meet a whole new circle of friends. Always play safe so you wont worry about catching anything. Go to the next "gay night" and let us know how it went!

 

[Yuki Sohma]

Hi Southern Boy..........

Please be patient with your feelings..........enjoying one's sexuality, although sometimes challenging, should also be a pleasurable experience above all else..........roll with what you feel comfortable with and you will enjoy the moment..........although I have experienced that just stepping out (within safe limits) helped me define & uncover my personal comfort zones..........always, always play safe..........

 

[rareboy]

I think you have some sorting out to do before you start looking for some hot guy to fuck, because until you get a grip on your almost visceral aversion to gay bodily and emotional intimacy, you will wreak havoc out there.

Obviously, acting super straight and having the ability to fuck girls is very important to you. Why do you think that a guy would be better?

I would suggest that if it is only about hard body sex, go to a bathhouse in a big city and get your rocks off there.

 

[954dude]

You're over thinking this and you're uncomfortable with your sexuality. In my opinion, it seems you care too much about what people think. Bisexuals are attracted to both genders.

Women and men are attractive and have sexual organs. Acting "straight" means nothing. You shouldn't have to go away from Alabama to meet a guy.

Accept how you feel and get on with it. Stop living in fear or else you'll be even more frustrated as years go by.

 

[G-Lexington]

You do need to think this out to at least one more step out.

You're scared of taking a step. Why?
Because you're scared of someone finding out. Why?
Because...you grew up in Alabama?

That's a bit of a stretch. As you know, there are plenty of gays in Alabama. So why?

Because...you're still not sure if it's "right"?
Because...you're worried about losing a specific (homophobic?) friend if he ever finds out?
Because...actually commiting the act makes it somehow "real", and for now, you can still play the straight card?

I think there's an answer in there somewhere.

Lex

 

[954dude]

You do need to think this out to at least one more step out.

You're scared of taking a step. Why?
Because you're scared of someone finding out. Why?
Because...you grew up in Alabama?

That's a bit of a stretch. As you know, there are plenty of gays in Alabama. So why?

Because...you're still not sure if it's "right"?
Because...you're worried about losing a specific (homophobic?) friend if he ever finds out?
Because...actually commiting the act makes it somehow "real", and for now, you can still play the straight card?

I think there's an answer in there somewhere.

Lex

Everything you said just made sense. Really, the answer is here. Scared, afraid, worried. It doesn't have to be that way.

 

[Southern Boy]

You do need to think this out to at least one more step out.

You're scared of taking a step. Why?
Because you're scared of someone finding out. Why?
Because...you grew up in Alabama?

That's a bit of a stretch. As you know, there are plenty of gays in Alabama. So why?

Because...you're still not sure if it's "right"?
Because...you're worried about losing a specific (homophobic?) friend if he ever finds out?
Because...actually commiting the act makes it somehow "real", and for now, you can still play the straight card?

I think there's an answer in there somewhere.

Lex

All of that makes a lot of sense. I do sometimes wonder if it is "right", I am scared of being found out because I probably would lose a good chunk of my friends (who are very homophobic) but I think I could still do it on the side and still be myself. I enjoy the time I spend with girls and I know I'm going to get married one day but before that happens I'd like to experiment around a little, just to see what it's like. I just wish society was more open and understanding about being curious.

 

[billybob109]

You can explore as much as you want and these feelings are natural. But it will be really hard for people to accept you and if they dont then you probably are better off without them. Also im sure it must be hard for one to live in a southern town like that and be gay. If i were u i would get out and explore your life!

 

[rareboy]

I just wish society was more open and understanding about being curious.

I just wish that closet bisexuals and homos were a little more open and understanding about being curious. It sure might mean that the heavy liftin' got shared around a bit more. But as long as the 'straight' guys just think it is some kind of hobby, devoid of emotional consequence, it will always be hard for homos in Alabam to come out and let their freak flag fly.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I am scared of being found out because I probably would lose a good chunk of my friends (who are very homophobic) but I think I could still do it on the side and still be myself.

Still be "yourself"? Meaning what, exactly? The straight guy? The guy who likes college football and beer? Dude, I'm 38. I'm round in the gut, dress in T-shirts and jeans 24/7, have season tickets to a contact sport, listen to rock music, and belch like a trucker. Oh, and I like to have sex with guys. That's "myself". That's who I am.

I don't hide any of this stuff from anybody, because I'm not interested in people who can't accept me for who I am. Yeah, I don't go into detail of my sexual escapades with my mother, and I don't bore my non-sport-loving friends with sports talk. But they know what I'm all about. And I know what they're all about. Because we're friends, you know? And as friends, we can relax and be ourselves and talk about whatever. Including the latest trip to the doctor, and why we lost our job, and who we want to fuck. If your friends can't handle you wanting to experiment with guys, you need to ask yourself whether they're actually your friends.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

In reread the OP's first post, you say two different things-

1. I would really like to hook up with a guy

2. after reading this it sounds like I'm just trying to find a guy to have sex with, which is partly true, but I'd also like to find a friend like me. Someone that I could talk to about this sort of crap[

What's unclear is whether you're wanting to go back to that feeling of closeness to another guy that you felt when you were younger or whether this is about just getting off with a guy.

Sorry, but I don't think a trip to a bathhouse is going to answer the questions you have - it's just going to make you either more confused or more panicky.

Given your history, it would seem that you might want to start with just finding a friend like you that you can talk with.

I suspect the rest will fall into place after that.

 

[Riverrick]

Actually, I think a bathouse in a big city is a good idea. It would be anonymous and emotionally safe.

Let him have sex with a guy first and see if he likes it. He's a long way from identifying as gay and coming out.

Walk your walk the way that works for you.

 

[PlayingwithChance]

Actually, I think a bathouse in a big city is a good idea. It would be anonymous and emotionally safe.

Let him have sex with a guy first and see if he likes it. He's a long way from identifying as gay and coming out.

Walk your walk the way that works for you.

Absolutely not!

It's not just sex that he needs. It's understanding.

To the OP:

I think you need to find your answers, and we can never do that unless we try to step outside our comfort zone, even slightly.

I recently went through a lot of turmoil over wondering what was out there, and I was so afraid that everything would fall apart. I was afraid too, even if the situation wasn't exactly like yours.

I know it is difficult, but you cannot go on the rest of your life always hiding, always wondering, never knowing.

It is difficult, and we'll all be here to support you every step of the way, but it is absolutely your decision in the end.

My advice would be one of the following:

- If you're close with any of those friends who have made advances, and you like them... ask them out? It could never hurt, just make sure you explain that this is new to you and you would like them to respect your need for discretion and privacy.

- Go to a gay bar, meet someone, but don't go just for sex. Go out, do something, get to know other gay/bi/questioning/whatever men. Enjoy it, and don't be so nervous. If you run into anyone you know, your world isn't going to end. It's not like they'll announce it to the world.

Life will only give you so much as you're willing to take. So take it, because trust me, life is a gift... and there's so much to discover and enjoy out there. The more you wait, the more you will regret it later on, just as I have come to regret sitting on my ass for so long in fear.

 

[Southern Boy]

Thanks for all of the advice.
I think I'll eventually make it to Atlanta to go hang out, or at least check it out. Its ironic but I never actually thought of asking one of my friends who have made a pass at me to go with me, I might try that out. I couldn't see myself going to a bathhouse though. Something about it seems extremely sketchy.
I just think if I end up going to a gay bar or something I would freak out and feel extremely paranoid, but thats apparently the safest way to meet normal guys so I'll just have to get over that. I'll keep you updated if I actually get the courage to drive there.

 

[G-Lexington]

Go. But have realistic expectations.

Chances are good that, in your current state of mind, you'll get a drink, sit down, and start sending out that scared-shitless, please-don't-notice-me vibe. And people are going to pick up on that. Then, when nobody comes to talk to you, you may get the idea that gays are stuck-up and think they're too good for you or whatever else.

Don't fall into that.

If you go, go with an open mind. That you're gonna experience something new. Make a promise to yourself to go talk to at least three people there. Find some solos (they're there), or couples who seem friendly, and go introduce yourself. All you need to say is, "Hi, I'm Fred" and shake hands. Then start making some small talk - "I'm in from out of town." "This place is nice." "Is the music always this loud?" Whatever. Chat a bit. If you feel comfortable, keep talking. If not, say "Well, good to meet you" and move on.

Us gays are a lot like normal people.

Lex

 

[DonDon]

Southern Boy, I remember the first time I went to a gay bar. I had no clue I was gay. I was raised Catholic and the idea of being gay was so far from who I thought I was I wouldn't even entertain the idea. I went to a gay bar with some friends and I remember asking them if the gay people would be all mad at me for going to their bar. LOL! I had a great time, became better friends with the gay people in my life and finally was able to accept that I'm gay.

The only advice I can really give to you is to enjoy what you enjoy without thinking about the labels. Figure out what you enjoy first before worrying about what to call yourself or how it fits in with your life. How can you tell anyone you're gay, bi, or straight if you've never really explored it.

I will tell you one thing, regarding friends. When I finally came out as gay, most of my friends were straight. And I was so worried that they would no longer accept me or treat me differently. After I told them three very interesting things happened. The first one, most of them accepted me. Second, they all knew already. And third, the few who didn't accept me as being gay turned out to not be very good friends in the first place. Anyone who expects you to behave a certain way around them that is different than you would naturally behave is not someone you should respect enough to consider a friend. Friends should be more interested in their friends' well being then their own neuroses, and someone like that is not looking out for your best interest.

And one last thing. If you go out of your way to prove to your friends that you're not gay, and your gay friends are making advances at you, I'd take a guess they pretty much know something is up with you. And if they haven't beat you up or been avoiding you so far, I'd guess they are pretty much okay with it.

Good luck.

 

[iamthesean]

hey,
i had a hard time coming out/dealing with my curiosity as well...my first step was talking to other guys online (just talking, nothing about meeting etc...just talking about being gay)...i was never the stereotypical gay guy, had tons (TONS) of girlfriends, and wasn't sure...still not really, I tell people if they must label me at all, they might as well say i'm bi.

Anyway, i'd say get to talking to people online, here is a good start, but just someone to talk things through with always helps...at some point, maybe get up the courage to talk to one of your friends about it...someone you trust dearly, and won't tell anyone else...and when you're ready, and if you have a really good supportive friend, THEY can go to a gay bar with you, and you can just explore.

I'm sure lots of people have offered, but I'd gladly be your homo-pen-pal lol, being so far away, the chances of me knowing ANYONE you do are slim to nil, and even then, what reason would i have to share?

good luck bud!