I think a straight guy likes me...?

[dralockhart]

I recently started a master's program (last fall) and became fairly close with a straight-identifying classmate of mine who's taken. Thing is, he's started acting weird around me. In the early days, he seemed nervous to even talk to me but I passed it off as him being shy. But then he started visiting me in my cubicle every day and staying for a long time. Then I noticed he'd mirror my body language (folding arms, crossing legs, scratching head right after i did) during class. Then I noticed the staring--and my friends did, too. Whenever I'd catch him, he'd jerk his head away. A friend said that one time when he was talking to her he turned his head about thirty times during the conversation to look at me. At the bar, a friend poured some shots into him and soon his arm was across the back of my chair like a nervous teen at the movie theater.

He keeps making excuses to see me, talk to me, text with me but the problem is he's started bringing the woman around lately because he got in trouble after staying out too late one night. I always thought he was more into me than I was into him, but seeing the two of them together hurt so bad.

Anyone ever experience a situation like this? Any advice? Should I stick it out? Should I try to tear him out of my life like a band-aid to avoid further hurt? We're both in our late 20s and that seems a bit old to be having a sexual orientation crisis in 2015. But I do truly care about him.

 

[KaraBulut]

I...became fairly close with a straight-identifying classmate of mine who's taken.

...then he started visiting me in my cubicle every day and staying for a long time... he'd mirror my body language (folding arms, crossing legs, scratching head right after i did) during class. Then I noticed the staring--and my friends did, too...a friend poured some shots into him and soon his arm was across the back of my chair like a nervous teen at the movie theater.

He keeps making excuses to see me, talk to me, text with me...

... I do truly care about him.

Is this about his feelings for you? Or your feelings for him? Or both?

 

[dralockhart]

Definitely both. I'm out and a well-adjusted gay dude, so I have no trouble voicing how I feel about him, I just don't know how to handle where he is, since he's not out and he's also not single. Do I let it go or do I tell him how I feel?

 

[KaraBulut]

Definitely both. I'm out and a well-adjusted gay dude, so I have no trouble voicing how I feel about him, I just don't know how to handle where he is, since he's not out and he's also not single. Do I let it go or do I tell him how I feel?

It's an important piece of information.

If the attention were completely unwanted, you should have a talk with him about how he seems to want something more than just a work relationship.

Since the situation is that you are attracted to him and you feel that he is attracted to you (even if it's just a "bromance" and non-sexual), it makes it more complicated. It's particularly complicated in that you have a work relationship that might be uncomfortable if too much information is revealed on either part.

Probably the first thing for you to give some thought to is whether you can be friends with him outside of work without your attraction getting in the way.

If you can't separate your attraction from the friendship, you're better off putting the brakes on the siutation.

If you feel like it's possible to be friends without any emotional complications, then the two of you should grab drinks or coffee one evening after work and have a talk. While it's not necessary to say "I have the hots for you", you can subtly discuss the fact that the two of you seem to get along well and enjoy each others' company. It might be that setting aside some "friend" time might stop the interruptions at work and the staring.

It's hard to know what exactly he's feeling. The goal is not necessarily to make him talk about it or make him uncomfortable. The goal is to get rid of the weirdness of the situation and give him the opportunity to talk if he's ready to talk about it.

 

[dralockhart]

That is some amazing, thoughtful advice. Thank you. Since the end of last semester, he's been taking a lot of care to keep in touch with me more outside of the usual school setting, so i think the opportunity to do just what you suggest will arise.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

At this point I think it's highly likely you could be misreading his signals. He could be into you... he could be just being friendly. While suspect, I wouldn't assume anything about his motives just yet.

 

[dralockhart]

Maybe that's true. I've just never been ogled by a straight guy before. And he has a weird thing about touching, so it feels weird that he's always touching me when he's got a bubble between everyone else and him.

 

[JimLahey]

I always put a warning up when I see straight friend problems. Mainly becuase I had the same problem. I really thought this straight guy was in to me, he was very touchy feely, talked to me more so than anyone else, invited me over constantly after school, heck we even moved in together. I once even saw a couple gay porn sites on his laptop. I wasn't exactly out at the time, but eventually I did after several years of knowing this guy. Shortly after I finally told my friend how I felt about him, and wanted to know if he felt the same. Well I get let down hard, mainly because I had been building it up inside my head for so long. It was disappointing to say the least. Good news is that we're still friends, and it was only awkward for a short time. So my advice is either just move on if he says he's straight, or just come out and ask him, rip the band-aid off so to speak.

 

[Seasoned]

You're out and well adjusted. I'd just spit it out. This has been going on long enough.

 

[dralockhart]

You're out and well adjusted. I'd just spit it out. This has been going on long enough.

You're right. I'm so conflicted over this. I like the guy, but I'm also angry/confused/sad about him. I think I could be friends with him, but he'd have to stop touching me and staring at me because sends me weird mixed signals and effs with my head. That's the other thing: I don't like that he has all the power in the situation. As long as he's "straight," he can just spin all this as being friendly. If I were to stare at him or touch him in the same way, it'd be construed an entirely different way. There's a power imbalance here that I feel like he's exploiting, whether he's conscious of it or not.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi dralockhart,

Good you have made this posting over here and good to read that you are an open and out gay guy. I agree with the other posters that you should indeed spit it out with him. I tend to think that arranging soon a serious talk with him (KaraBulut gave some good points) is the only good option.

I have no idea about his response and I would also like to tell you that it will be totally up to him to disclose anything about his feelings (or whatever) towards you / towards guys (in general). So just tell him your concerns and see how he is reacting. Right now you feel annoyed and you just have told us (posting #10) that you feel sad (and even angry) about it.

I would like to wish you good luck!

Please continue with asking questions when something might not be clear.

 

[Telstra]

Maybe just ask him directly,
"do you want to have adult fun with me?"

 

[dralockhart]

Maybe just ask him directly,
"do you want to have adult fun with me?"

If I had the balls I would, haha. Semester's back in session and he's back to do the staring thing. Stares about me for ten seconds or so and then looks away. I don't know why he doesn't get that I have peripheral vision... I caught him in the middle of it and it took him by such surprise that he actually jumped out of his chair and then pretend like he was just adjusting his position. Guy has no game, but it's kind of adorkable.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Girl just fuck him already.


LOL JK, but I mean you're both about to turn 30, I'm pretty sure you guys are mature enough to just talk about it upfront so there aren't any misunderstandings in the future.