I think coming out is (kinda) overrated.

[Ryuusei Boy]

First of all, I know what some of you may be thinking. I'm not even completely out, how could I know if being out is overrated? Well, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I told my mom I like guys some time ago, and I think I'll tell my father, brother and close friends some day, but even then, I don't think I'll ever be completely out, as in "hi, neighbor/classmate/co-worker! this is my boyfriend".

Being out is accepting yourself.
I don't think it is. It is telling other people about your sexuality. I don't think all out gay guys are totally self-accepting, so I don't see how not telling everyone your gay makes you not self-accepting. I accept myself, and I love myself, that's why I'd rather avoid conflicts with homophobes. Accepting people are ignorant is important too.

Being out is a liberating experience.
Maybe I did it wrong? When I told my mother I liked guys I didn't feel liberated at all. She's been awesome about it, our relationship is exactly the same. Which makes me wonder, was it really necessary? I talked about this with a psychologist. She told me it was ok to tell whoever I want to, but that I shouldn't feel obligated to do it. It's also ok to keep some things to yourself if it makes you feel better.

Being out is being yourself.
I'm myself. I do exactly what I want to do. My family/friends know I'm not interested in a girlfriend - that's practically coming out anyway. I even date guys. How am I not being myself?. People already think my music/eating habits/favorite films/hobbies/etc. are weird - I don't try to please anyone.

Basically, I think not telling every single person you know is just a way of avoiding conflicts and uncomfortable situations. I don't think it means you don't love yourself - in fact, I think protecting yourself is loving yourself

End of rant.

 

[Seasoned]

Coming out is a process, not an event and it will mean different things to different people. Since most societies are heterosexist everyone is assumed to be straight. That can be a huge burden for some gays and it is said that there is a higher rate of suicide among gay youth.

Coming out may mean different things to different people. Everyone has a right to decide for themselves what they need to do to feel comfortable. There are degrees of being out. Each of us determines who we tell or when we tell. Some of us do it with words, some with behavior.

The real impact of coming out for me was not having people make wrong assumptions and knowing that I was loved and liked for my overall qualities. The benefit of coming out is felt when we have positive results replacing the fear of someone finding out. I believe that living in fear and living a lie takes a toll on my mental health; others may feel differently.

I am grateful that I am able to live openly while others can't. I appreciate the sacrifice others made in the past to have made my path easier. It was liberating for me to face my fears regarding coming out and realize a positive outcome for myself.

 

[trikky]

I agree with a lot of your points. I think the term "coming out" can be on many levels. I think the most important level is coming out to yourself in that you accept yourself and no longer feel anxious about having someone discover your sexuality, or that the fear of discovery will stop you from living your life the way you want to. That for me is the most important part. The telling others then becomes an extention of that because you have decided that you are comfortable living as a gay man.

Everyone is different. Some guys want to be totally out and let everyone know and live very openly as a gay man. That's fine if that suits you. Some guys want to tell those close, friends and family and some colleagues at work. But don't think it is necessary to tell every person you ever meet. That is fine too if it doesn't compromise you in living the way you want to IMO.


PS like the new look.

 

[G-Lexington]

Coming out isn't "telling everybody your sexuality" so much as it is not lying about your sexuality. Specifically, not caring who knows. This can, and often does, involve telling people, either directly ("Mom, I'm gay") or indirectly ("This is my boyfriend").

Those close to me obviously know. But there are periphery people in my life - co-workers I don't see much, people on my block I don't chat with often, the guy who fixes my car - who may or may not know. I haven't found the need to flag them down and tell them. But then again, if we do start interacting more, it'll presumably come up. And I'm not going to actively - or even passively - avoid the topic. Or perhaps they've seen or heard something from a distance such that they already know. Either way, I don't care.

And THAT is what being out is.

THAT's the accepting part - accepting it as something that doesn't need to be hidden.
THAT's the liberating feeling - the removal of worrying about what people think.
THAT's the "being yourself" part - not having to choose words carefully so people "don't start wondering".

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I would agree with you... at least to the point where it seems unnecessary since straight people don't have to "come out".

But on the other hand, how do you expect that things will change? Until gay people start saying, "I am gay and I expect to be treated the same as straight people and I expect to have the same rights as everyone else", nothing will change.

 

[Audio Tech]

I'll echo Lex's comments since it saves me the writing. It's different for everyone.

"I" HAD to accept myself, because I couldn't before.

"I" HAD to tell my family, because of various reasons and expectations on their part.

"I" told only my closest friends, because I got tired of the "Girlfriend" discussions.

Yes, It was liberating for me. Those that are close to me now finally leave me alone to live my own life. (Not their expectations of what it should be)
And they still love me.

Lex couldn't have said it better.

 

[CudDULL]

I think that might be the case for you OP but for everyone it has a different impact in their life. If thats how you view coming out then you are not being positive in my opinion, of course which isn't fact.

I'm glad I no longer have to hide myself from the world. I feel liberated because whether people love me or hate me, I'm happy with myself and freedom I have now. I would never surrender to anyone else's view on how I should live. I would surely take discrimination and hatred just so I can show who I am, thats what I do everyday. It doesn't bother me what others will think of me. I can deal with those ignorant people because I'm my own worst enemy and nothing they say or do will stop me from being happy or gay. Plus why would I put so much worth on those who judge me? I got this in the bag, I live for those uncomfortable situations because its a reality check for those who think that homosexuals can be oppressed/bullied into disappearing or hiding again.

Thats just my take on how I deal with my coming out and living a new true life regardless of the consequences.

 

[bokan800]

Like what other people said, it depends on the person.

Personally for me, coming out wasnt a big deal as well. I think its because my family and friends already had an idea...and to be honest, I wasnt that low key anyways with my personality and sexuality.

When I finally came out, it was just a big duh moment for everybody.

But I can understand how someone who lives in a homophobic environment would feel about telling somebody about their "secret". That it can be liberating, even though sometimes it doesnt have a nice ending.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

I think I agree about it being different for everyone. I just don't see how my family knowing about it would make me feel better about myself, lol. No one demands anything from me, and I know people who love me don't love me because they think I like girls.

PS like the new look.

That really cute guy in my avatar is Ninomiya Kazunari, Japanese singer

 

[trikky]

haha ryuusei boy. I thought you had grown out your hair! He is really cute.

 

[Lube]

Being out is accepting yourself.
I don't think it is. It is telling other people about your sexuality. I don't think all out gay guys are totally self-accepting, so I don't see how not telling everyone your gay makes you not self-accepting. I accept myself, and I love myself, that's why I'd rather avoid conflicts with homophobes. Accepting people are ignorant is important too.

No, not all out guys are totally self-accepting. But not being honest about yourself is definitely not self-accepting. Same thing with conflict avoidance.

Being out is a liberating experience.
Maybe I did it wrong? When I told my mother I liked guys I didn't feel liberated at all. She's been awesome about it, our relationship is exactly the same. Which makes me wonder, was it really necessary? I talked about this with a psychologist. She told me it was ok to tell whoever I want to, but that I shouldn't feel obligated to do it. It's also ok to keep some things to yourself if it makes you feel better.

It's not necessary to say it to your friends & family if they already know (and it sounds like they figured it out already). So you are out to them, whether you realized it or not.

Being out is being yourself.
I'm myself. I do exactly what I want to do. My family/friends know I'm not interested in a girlfriend - that's practically coming out anyway. I even date guys. How am I not being myself?. People already think my music/eating habits/favorite films/hobbies/etc. are weird - I don't try to please anyone.

Again, you are already out, then, if they know. Do you talk about your boyfriends/dates? Do you talk about the kind of guy you're looking for, when Aunt Helen asks if you've found your special person? Why not?

Basically, I think not telling every single person you know is just a way of avoiding conflicts and uncomfortable situations. I don't think it means you don't love yourself - in fact, I think protecting yourself is loving yourself

End of rant.

You have little to protect if everybody figured it out already. Conflict avoidance is not a long-term life plan. It involves secrets and secrets built on secrets and then when a friend you're with at the mall sees you meet your bf and you have to come up with a lie about who he is.... Oh, so much unnecessary drama!

Just get it over with. It sounds like most people know, anyway. No biggie.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

No, not all out guys are totally self-accepting. But not being honest about yourself is definitely not self-accepting. Same thing with conflict avoidance.

I see being gay as being muslim in a christian village. You don't need everyone to tell you you're "wrong", or even attempting to harm you because your beliefs are different.

It's not necessary to say it to your friends & family if they already know (and it sounds like they figured it out already). So you are out to them, whether you realized it or not.

Again, you are already out, then, if they know. Do you talk about your boyfriends/dates? Do you talk about the kind of guy you're looking for, when Aunt Helen asks if you've found your special person? Why not?

Well, no, I never talk about dating guys. I know it's hard to believe, but people around me don't get a clue. My friends sometimes ask me if I think a determined girl is hot, and my father told me not too long ago "I hope you have better taste in women than your brother" I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but my friends even think they know what's my type of girl.

 

[TX-Beau]

I see being gay as being muslim in a christian village. You don't need everyone to tell you you're "wrong", or even attempting to harm you because your beliefs are different.

Which contradicts all that stuff you tossed out above. You're in the closet because you're afraid of what others are going to say. Afraid of what they're going to do, what they will think about you. You're letting them set the terms for your life. There's no way around that, it's what you're doing. Plus, you let them do this because ultimately you're not comfortable with yourself.

And before you go off, all of us who've been through it, know exactly how you feel. We've been there. We've lived it. So maybe you might consider that we know what we're talking about. You don't have to come out, but you don't have to make justifications either.

You can certainly live your life afraid of how other people are going to react, no one can make you come out. But at least understand, that in here, where no one knows who you are, where we pretty much all understand what the closet is - where most of us have used all the lies, and all the justifications, that we're going to call it what it is.

Well, no, I never talk about dating guys. I know it's hard to believe, but people around me don't get a clue. My friends sometimes ask me if I think a determined girl is hot, and my father told me not too long ago "I hope you have better taste in women than your brother" I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but my friends even think they know what's my type of girl.

Lies of omission are still lies. Lies of commission are still lies. You let other people think you're straight. That's deception. Plain and simple, it's deception no matter what you choose to call it.

It's your life and if you want to live it that way so be it. No one in here has a vested interest in you coming out, but you also might consider that maybe we're able to give you some advice and insight into how to make your life better than it is, on a subject all the straight people you're deceiving have no chance of understanding.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

I don't think anyone is setting the terms for my life. They just don't know everything I do. Rather than not accepting myself, I just prefer avoiding unnecessary conflicts, I always tend to do that (not only when it comes to my sexuality). Why do you think it makes such a big difference if your aunt knows who you have sex with? To me it seems pretty irrelevant. I love my friends/family regardless of their sex life, I don't care who they sleep with, and I don't need to know.

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't think anyone is setting the terms for my life. They just don't know everything I do. Rather than not accepting myself, I just prefer avoiding unnecessary conflicts, I always tend to do that (not only when it comes to my sexuality). Why do you think it makes such a big difference if your aunt knows who you have sex with? To me it seems pretty irrelevant. I love my friends/family regardless of their sex life, I don't care who they sleep with, and I don't need to know.

Well, my aunts don’t know who I have sex with as a general rule. But they do know I’m gay. You’re trying to conflate the two in order to make the argument that sexuality is some kind of private thing – which it isn’t. Sexuality is extremely public, from the pictures of kids on your office desk, to the bikini girls in beer commercials. Sexuality is everywhere you look, on display, broadcasted, in every part of your life. So the question becomes - why does your sexuality have to be private? And indeed, your sexuality isn't private, you just let people believe it's something it's not.

Why does your family “need” to know, because they don’t know you if they don’t know.

It seems odd that you love your friends and family so much that you deceive them about who you really are.

And following that logic further – why do we need to know? We’re just a bunch of strangers on and internet chat board. We don’t know you, we don’t know your friends/family – we certainly don’t care about you like they do. So why is it that you’re in here discussing this shit with us, when even your family doesn’t need to know?

In the end, it’s all about you, how comfortable you are with yourself. You can say all the above till the stars fall and it won’t make any kind of real difference to me or anyone in here. We’re not the ones you’re really arguing with anyway. That’s the conversation you’re having with yourself.

Your life, your choice, your consequences.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Ok, I don't think I have many arguments left It's just that I personally don't see what's so bad about keeping it to myself. I'm not dating girls or anything, I'm just not open about one part of my life. This way is easier for me, and I feel more confortable this way.

 

[TX-Beau]

Look, no matter how different the circumstances surrounding coming out are for all of us, two things are pretty constant, First, that the only person who kept us in the closet was ourselves, and that eventually we all came out in order to build an honest foundation for our lives.

I don’t think any of us can ever realize the peace of mind and happiness we deserve, unless we can live our lives, openly, honestly, just like everyone else – and the only people keeping us from that would be ourselves.

For some guys, it’s easier than for others; and for some guys, the reactions are easier than they are for others. But in the end, it’s about honesty, with ourselves, and the people we care about, and the freedom that gives us.

You may not be at the point where you’re comfortable enough to come out. That’s fine. Most of us have been there. But that doesn’t mean that coming out is overrated; it means that you haven’t reached the point where the balance between honesty and fear has tipped towards honesty yet.

It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong or bad about you, it’s just a thing – and when you do get there, we’ll still be here to talk you off the ledge.