I think I’m developing a crush on a former HS student (now in his 20s), but know it’s so wrong.

[JRandell69]

I have been there before. And now all I have to say is....Why waste your time having coffee and hanging out with him and playing games? Just be open and tell him what you want. If he rejects you just remember, it is his loss not yours. Move on to someone else. At least that’s how I feel about it.

 

[mcbrion]

If a (psychology) therapist wants to becomes friends with a former patient, it's the custom to let a year or two pass before socializing. You've had quite a few more than that, but I second Hard Up's suggestion. Any relationship that's any good starts with being someone's friend even if you know you want more. Just be his friend - if he is open to that - and let things develop naturally. People seem to need to force something to "happen," instead of just LETTING it happen. If he only enjoys you as a friend, you'll know that. But if you cannot simply BE friends, without ulterior motive then you're not really fulfilling the basis of any good relationship: putting the well-being of the other person at the forefront of your association. Desire should not - in my opinion - come ahead of goodwill towards others. And goodwill is not selfish. It is a giving thing. Can you give without expecting a "return" on your interest in him? Only you know the answer to that.

 

[ipexx]

I don't see why this would be an issue. He's a *former* student from years ago, and he's an adult now.

 

[Mikeychamp1]

Thought I’d give you guys an update. I will be hanging out with him for the first time this weekend. I got tickets to a concert I was supposed to go to with a friend, but my friend had to cancel over circumstances beyond his control. I know my crush is a fan of who we are seeing, so I just decided to say “fuck it” and ask him since I got an extra ticket. He said he wanted to, but was saving up on something else and didn’t want to spend too much money. I told him not to worry about it, and he agreed to go. We are going to get food first beforehand. Will see what happens, and I’ll just go with the flow.

 

[LatinCoffee]

I would not do it. It may look / appear that you may have groomed him as a kid to like you. I see it everyday in the newspaper. Where a teacher or school police offiicer( male and female) is / has been discharge and are beening investagated for becoming involved with a current or former student. There are three in my area now who have been discharged from school. And they are checking into their past ( reactions) with former and currents students.

I agree.

 

[Mikeychamp1]

We hung out and he was chill. We jokingly acknowledged about me drinking in front of him and I first told him I apologized if it’s awkward, and he said he couldn’t care less and wanted to disregard that student/teacher relationship we used to have. He also now knows my orientation and was cool with it, but didn’t get into the conversation of dating other people. At the end we hugged and both of us wanted to hang out again. No sexual tension last night, but I think we just needed to talk and catch up as friends first. Can’t force it.

 

[bankside]

Men can always have men they look up to as mentors. Don’t take that away from him. Unless he makes it very obvious to you that mentorship is not what he’s looking for from you, leave it alone. If he’s the one banging on that door then by all means open it, but only then.

 

[Mikeychamp1]

I decided to make the move last night and asked to take him out to dinner. He said that would be crossing the line for him and only wants to be friends. I told him I appreciated his honesty and he still wants to get together for platonic hangouts.

This stings, but I know I’m going to have to move on from it. I will need some time to heal. Thank you all for listening.

 

[DOTDcollegeguy]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was a very interesting read and I admired how you went through it with openness, honesty, and sincerity. Sorry about the hurt but you will definitely be okay. And who knows, maybe this guy just needs time to process everything and will come back to you later. Take care Mikeychamp1!

 

[seven2go]

I decided to make the move last night and asked to take him out to dinner. He said that would be crossing the line for him and only wants to be friends.
This stings, but I know I’m going to have to move on from it. I will need some time to heal. Thank you all for listening.

I just caught up with your thread.
Too bad it didn't pan out the way you wanted but now you know at least.
And you have to admit it was a new experience so it's not a total loss.......

 

[Mikeychamp1]

Thanks guys! I thought I’d share an update. Since I made the move and he rejected me, we talked online occasionally. I’m not currently dating anyone but had a couple of hookups.

Eventually to ease any tension a couple of days ago, I mentioned to him I was still a bit concerned about having tried to cross a line but I needed to let it out. He said he was happy I said something and not to stress about anything.

Afterwards, I told him perhaps we can get together sometime over the summer to catch up and he said he’d love that and that “we will get to know each other more over time.” As nice as that sounds, I’m taking it with a grain of salt. Could this mean he may potentially be interested at some point or is he just saying that to be nice? Either way, I’m going to leave the ball in his court.

 

[seven2go]

I told him perhaps we can get together sometime over the summer to catch up and he said he’d love that and that “we will get to know each other more over time.”

It's hard to say if he meant it or if it's simply a graceful way out........
Then again maybe he's just buying time while making a decision.
Then again again he didn't slam the door in your face so there's that.......

 

[Mikeychamp1]

It's hard to say if he meant it or if it's simply a graceful way out........
Then again maybe he's just buying time while making a decision.
Then again again he didn't slam the door in your face so there's that.......

Yea I don’t think I want to play that indecisiveness game and am putting him to the side. He knows what I’ve wanted out of it, so he can initiate if he wants to. It’s a two way street.

 

[Mikeychamp1]

It’s been a while since I updated. He wanted to catch up over the summer, but when I asked him to meet up a couple of times he told me he was very busy and didn’t suggest a rain check. Knowing what he does for a living and that he has a lot of close friends around his age, I understand he has his priorities, but I wanted to know where we stand.

I then got it out of him that he needs the time to shift the relationship from what it used to be (as teacher/student) to something else. Although he said he likes that we’re building up this new rapport so far with messaging. Maybe it’s bullshit, maybe it’s not. Part of me thinks if he was really into me, he’d put in more effort. On the other hand, as I never had a former teacher try to get to know me or hang out with me right after graduating college, I probably would have found it a bit weird, too. Especially as I never thought about being with them in a more intimate setting.

I’ll be happy to hear any advice as to what I should do at this point. I’m thinking of cutting back on talking to him, but not sure

 

[KaraBulut]

...I’ll be happy to hear any advice as to what I should do at this point. I’m thinking of cutting back on talking to him, but not sure

At this point, you should do what is best for you: move on.

 

[mcbrion]

You've gone from having guilty feelings about being attracted to a former student, to then hanging out with him.
Then you tell him you're gay, and he's cool with it. So, no stress about you being gay.
THEN you decide to "go for it," - even though he's given you absolutely NO SIGN he's interested in you in "that way" and all of a sudden you're speculating that "he just needs more time."
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? The guy wants to be friends, and - despite your exhortations to just take it as it comes - it becomes clear that you want to ignore that he's straight and suddenly it's this:
"I then got it out of him that he needs the time to shift the relationship from what it used to be (as teacher/student) to something else. Although he said he likes that we’re building up this new rapport so far with messaging. Maybe it’s bullshit, maybe it’s not. Part of me thinks if he was really into me, he’d put in more effort."
HE'S NOT INTO YOU. HE NEVER WAS. You're simply someone who was a part of his adolescence and now he's seeing you on a more equal playing field.

Except it's not, since you don't listen to what you're told.

You have boundary issues. When someone says "NO," you don't push or try to manipulate them or the situation. You don't start speculating about "...if he was really into me, he'd put in more effort." WHAT?!?!? He sees you as a social acquaintance. Not a close friend, but someone he keeps in touch with. He's been entirely consistent about the boundaries. You? You just want to push those boundaries out of the way, all because you can't accept that someone isn't available to you in a sexual way. If he were a woman, and you were interested, you wouldn't push it, because with #METOO, you'd be concerned about harassment. But since it's only a gay man, (and we're all men here, right??) you feel that respecting someone's DISinterest is a road too far to travel.

Grow up. Leave it alone. And leave HIM alone, because your interest in him is not about him and simply having him in your life, it's about YOU and your desires for him. That's nothing more than selfishness. He doesn't need a secret predator in his life; he just wants (maybe) a friend. And every time you post, you're showing you can't just be a friend. Let him walk out of your spider's web, or you'll do something to alienate him, and then you WILL be nothing more than "that gay guy who kept trying to get into my pants. Oh, and he used to be my teacher, too!"

And if that IS all that you are, he neither needs or deserves someone who is looking at him as someone who'd be into you "if only he put the time in." (Right.) The proverbial Wolf in sheep's clothing.

THAT'S the reputation you want to build???

 

[Mikeychamp1]

You've gone from having guilty feelings about being attracted to a former student, to then hanging out with him.
Then you tell him you're gay, and he's cool with it. So, no stress about you being gay.
THEN you decide to "go for it," - even though he's given you absolutely NO SIGN he's interested in you in "that way" and all of a sudden you're speculating that "he just needs more time."
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? The guy wants to be friends, and - despite your exhortations to just take it as it comes - it becomes clear that you want to ignore that he's straight and suddenly it's this:
"I then got it out of him that he needs the time to shift the relationship from what it used to be (as teacher/student) to something else. Although he said he likes that we’re building up this new rapport so far with messaging. Maybe it’s bullshit, maybe it’s not. Part of me thinks if he was really into me, he’d put in more effort."
HE'S NOT INTO YOU. HE NEVER WAS. You're simply someone who was a part of his adolescence and now he's seeing you on a more equal playing field.

Except it's not, since you don't listen to what you're told.

You have boundary issues. When someone says "NO," you don't push or try to manipulate them or the situation. You don't start speculating about "...if he was really into me, he'd put in more effort." WHAT?!?!? He sees you as a social acquaintance. Not a close friend, but someone he keeps in touch with. He's been entirely consistent about the boundaries. You? You just want to push those boundaries out of the way, all because you can't accept that someone isn't available to you in a sexual way. If he were a woman, and you were interested, you wouldn't push it, because with #METOO, you'd be concerned about harassment. But since it's only a gay man, (and we're all men here, right??) you feel that respecting someone's DISinterest is a road too far to travel.

Grow up. Leave it alone. And leave HIM alone, because your interest in him is not about him and simply having him in your life, it's about YOU and your desires for him. That's nothing more than selfishness. He doesn't need a secret predator in his life; he just wants (maybe) a friend. And every time you post, you're showing you can't just be a friend. Let him walk out of your spider's web, or you'll do something to alienate him, and then you WILL be nothing more than "that gay guy who kept trying to get into my pants. Oh, and he used to be my teacher, too!"

And if that IS all that you are, he neither needs or deserves someone who is looking at him as someone who'd be into you "if only he put the time in." (Right.) The proverbial Wolf in sheep's clothing.

THAT'S the reputation you want to build???

Well I apparently have some issues I need to personally deal with. I’ll just accept the repercussions at this point and move on as if he’s dead to me now, nothing else I can do.

 

[SeaCore]

Well I apparently have some issues I need to personally deal with. I’ll just accept the repercussions at this point and move on as if he’s dead to me now, nothing else I can do.

That seems a bit odd. I think taking a step back and processing is an excellent thing to do. But moving on as if this guy is dead to you seems like a strange headspace to enter.
Maybe it's just odd phrasing?

Mcbrion has a good point and from what you've said in the thread I think mcbrion is right. Though I think it's important to acknowledge that... --This is not an uncommon issue gay and bisexual people face, where they have a crush, the crush wants some kind of non-romantic and non-sexual relationship, and the person crushing has a hard time accepting the relationship as not being more. And I suspect that it's in no small part because for so long... --Gay and bi people had to rely on subtly and signals to convey interest and because they want the other person to be interested they become fixated on looking for signals hoping for reciprocation; and that takes over. What ever journey you need to take, know that there are people who have been there and who are there that you can try to reach out to for guidance.

I'm really glad people like mcbrion will point stuff like this out because it is a really bad headspace to get into and has a high chance of becoming bad for all parties involved.

 

[Mikeychamp1]

That seems a bit odd. I think taking a step back and processing is an excellent thing to do. But moving on as if this guy is dead to you seems like a strange headspace to enter.
Maybe it's just odd phrasing?

Mcbrion has a good point and from what you've said in the thread I think mcbrion is right. Though I think it's important to acknowledge that... --This is not an uncommon issue gay and bisexual people face, where they have a crush, the crush wants some kind of non-romantic and non-sexual relationship, and the person crushing has a hard time accepting the relationship as not being more. And I suspect that it's in no small part because for so long... --Gay and bi people had to rely on subtly and signals to convey interest and because they want the other person to be interested they become fixated on looking for signals hoping for reciprocation; and that takes over. What ever journey you need to take, know that there are people who have been there and who are there that you can try to reach out to for guidance.

I'm really glad people like mcbrion will point stuff like this out because it is a really bad headspace to get into and has a high chance of becoming bad for all parties involved.

It’s definitely more odd phrasing. I was given the impression that he shouldn’t be part of my life anymore if I can’t accept the fact that he’s zero percent interested. A hiatus is definitely what I need, and if I never hear from him again so be it. I need to work on meeting other people who may be attracted to me, and to stop being fixated on this guy. I need to stop overanalyzing every little thing hoping there could potentially be interest, when in reality there isn’t.

 

[KaraBulut]

It’s definitely more odd phrasing. I was given the impression that he shouldn’t be part of my life anymore if I can’t accept the fact that he’s zero percent interested. A hiatus is definitely what I need, and if I never hear from him again so be it. I need to work on meeting other people who may be attracted to me, and to stop being fixated on this guy. I need to stop overanalyzing every little thing hoping there could potentially be interest, when in reality there isn’t.

If you go back to some of the early posts in the thread, before you met him, we were concerned that there was something obsessive about this situation. It wasn't a "I want to find out how he's doing". It was more a "For now it’s a silly infatuation, but I can’t stop thinking about taking that risk."

That was worrisome.

So, here we are, 6 months later and it still comes across as an obsession and he's done nothing to encourage an ongoing relationship between the two of you.

At this point, we're worried about the situation. Either you need to put distance between the two of you until you get your head together or you need to think about seeing a professional counselor to help you work through this so that you can move on. Continuing in this manner- especially as an educator- isn't healthy for you or your career.